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« on: October 03, 2016, 08:19:10 AM »
My first aspiration as a child was to be an author and illustrator. I was writing stories in 1st grade. I enjoyed drawing and I think I even showed some promise there. My twin also loved to draw and I guess it bothered him that I liked it too because I later found out that he would rip up my drawings and I remember one time in particular when he relished in the fact that my mother poked fun at one of my drawings (maybe to make him feel better, i don't know). He relayed it to me rather quickly. That hurt. I also remember starting a journal and my mother poking fun at it. My mother is a highly positive and encouraging person, 99.99% of the time actually and I'm sure she meant nothing by it at the time but it stung. I took it as an insult and maybe that's the pattern I need to stop. Allowing slights to make me repeatedly put the things I enjoy away. I was labeled the outgoing more physically aggressive twin and he was labeled the artsy, sensitive one and I think we both fell in to those respective tracks. Even up in to high school it seemed to please him that he was seen by peers as more intelligent, more gifted artistically, and he was sure to remind me of those instances. I don't think I ever went out of my way to hurt him is the thing. Where he almost seemed malicious about it.
Also, from an early age I developed an affinity for black culture, black people. Of course this is an odd thing to discuss openly anywhere these days it seems, even with my fiance. In first grade I made a friend who has the same surname as you actually. We would race to the playground everyday and it was usually a tie. In those days, the NBA seemed to be at it's height of popularity, the Chicago Bulls had three peated and you had mega stars in several markets across the country and my father loved to watch the Bulls I remember. I think maybe this is one of the reasons I pursued basketball so aggressively. In my mind black people could do everything at the highest level: sing, dance, inspire. But, that was rural Tennessee in the early 90s and it still wasn't very accepted to have black friends much less love interests. And I didn't foresee that I would be with a black woman and have twins. My parents did take my brother and I on a senior trip to the West Indies in St. Lucia. She(my mom) had a half-brother(mixed) there that she had just found out about and she wanted to meet him. He ended up coming to the states to live with us for a while. Anyways, I met a girl there who I was awestruck with. She was 16 and I had just about to turn 18. She was a sprinter and you could tell it. She had a beautifully sculpted body. She had the most unique voice too. It was raspy and rhythmic. I've never been kissed better by anyone before or since. My fiance seems to find it awkward. Initially, we would kiss often, but rarely ever now. I never imagined i'd be with someone who didn't enjoy it. I think she reminds me of my father in a way. She works very hard like he did and she doesn't sugar coat anything. I think she keeps me grounded. I mean she seems to be well-grounded in reality. Haha, i used to tell her I didn't like white girls cause it seemed all they wanted was to be pampered. My family is known for having money here. And you know what she says about that? "What makes you think I don't want the same thing?" How's that for a harsh reality. I mean it's understandable that anyone would want to live comfortably, but at the same time it leaves me feeling like an investment. I think I've paid off fairly well so far. When we met I was working 70-80 hours a week and kept her fed well throughout her pregnancy and it was my credit that allowed us to purchase a house and nice car. The passion I've expected should be in a relationship isn't there. It all seems so calculated. Well, I better get a little sleep. I started out meaning to talk about the parallels between our parents but ended up going in a different direction.
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