It's been over half a year since I've come to post because I was trying to find some way to discover what the first dream I had posted was trying to convey to me, what battle I was fighting. It's been over half a year and I have not had one good satisfying dream, they have all been horrid and manipulative and painful. I've kept dream journals as long as I could remember. Even the ones that seem to be just random nonsense I have been jotting down.
I'm at wits end and I should have realized sooner that from your response from my first post that I am not alone in this struggle and possibly need everyone that can help me as I am falling deeper into this feeling of hopelessness. My life isn't total bliss but it could always be worse, but then, I have my dreams. The mental anguish they have been causing me has accumulated into something so bothersome that I can't contain it inside anymore and I am looking for help. Of course I won't post every dream I have had for the previous months but I am hoping to have some help and insight to the ones that have been repeating and the most painful. To the point where I wake up in tears.
I will start with the one I had last night as it has been going on for a long long time and it really leaves a lasting impact.
I am sitting alone in a extremely well lit room. There's just me and the chair. The walls have been painted white and are blinding to look at so my eyes fixated on the floor. It has white tile flooring with black specs scattered throughout. As I continue to stare at the floor I feel the urge to get up. I slowly stand from the chair and go to put it against the wall and it isn't there but I knew I was sitting on something because I felt it press against my back. As I look around for a door I glance at the floor again and my reflection is staring back up at me but not in the same stance I am in I wave my hand above the floor and no response from my reflection and as I am waving my hand I see it flicker as if it were fading or phasing away. I grip my left arm with my right arm and in doing so my right arm begins to be coated with this black oily substance and it crawls up along to my shoulder and stops, it flows back and forth like a wave just inches from my neck and I'm afraid to look at it. I then change moods, I'm now getting depressed and as I grow sadder my left arm gets coated in this thick and oily substance, my footsteps leave globs of it behind outlining my shoe's prints.
I reach for the door to leave and the substance hardens around my arms, I can't move my fingers or my shoulders or arms. I try maneuvering my solidified hands to turn the knob but the knob breaks. As the knob breaks the walls around me fall down. There's a crowd watching in awe. As I look around at the crowd I notice I am behind the bars of a cage. Almost all of the crowd begins laughing and at the laughter the substance covers my legs and forces me to ball up. The oil covers my face yet I could breathe, when it peels back from my face the crowd is gone but I am in another room. There's a bed that has been recently made, a small desk with a lamp, a large and tall mirror, my reflection looking back at me smiling. I throw a tantrum at the mirror, swearing it up and down and trying to break it. I thought nothing was funny and it shouldn't be smiling. Then I noticed on the other side of the mirror was my room. My reflection continued to smile and sat down in the chair, doing nothing. I looked around the room and the walls were made of a solid brick, no door and no window, aside from the eerie mirror. Wherever my reflection went, I saw it. I saw what it was doing and I grew madder and madder at it and I didn't know why. I just kept swearing but I couldn't even hear myself.
This went on for quite some time. Then a door opened behind me. Down the hallway were tons of doors leading into what I assume to be similar rooms. I ran the length of the hallway which seemed to be endless in one direction. However, the other end of the hallway had two identical mirrors almost symmetrically placed on the wall. I couldn't see my reflection at all. I just saw the hallway behind me. Then these weird mirrors were somewhat transparent and I saw my other self from the previous room. I grew furious and slammed on the wall as this clone or whatever it was continued on with my life and as it enraged me I could do nothing about it. I heard a door creak open behind me and down the hallway as far as I could see there was a door ajar, with a pinkish light coming from it. Compelled, I walked towards it, upon reaching the room I looked inside and there was another me on a similar bed from my first room. Although this room was different, the walls were a bright pink. The clone on the bed wouldn't look at me and just kept mumbling. I can't remember exactly what it said but it frightened me. It looked up at me with eyes that belonged in a doll and not in a man. It opened it's mouth to speak to me and pointed to it's own mirror/window. I looked out the window and the version of me outside of it this time was just standing there, in open nothing. I turned to look at the doll-eyed clone and left the room as I couldn't learn anything from it.
Then I was trapped in the hallway for hours trying to find an exit and when I had given up I walked back into my first room and closed the door. The black oily substance that had gripped me before was now covering my mirror/window. I tried to scrape it off and when I caught a glimpse of my own reflection I looked nothing like myself. I had scales for skin, my eyes were cold and sharp, the way I looked frightened myself and I looked at my arms which were now covered in scales. Almost lizard-like. I screamed and dug into my own arms trying to tear off the scales and couldn't. When I had given up the oily substance crept off the mirror and out the door, shutting it behind.
All I could do was stare out the mirror at what I thought was me and I grew angrier and angrier until I saw it cry. When it closed the door to it's room on the other side of this mirror it cried and cried and the transparent lizard-like reflection haunted me in the mirror with cold anger in my eyes. I woke up in tears and the feeling has been haunting me all day.
I know this dream may sound confusing but this is the best way I could think of describing it, I'm sure I'm leaving something out that may be relevant but I'm unsure of what it could be.
I'd appreciate any help and if you'd like to hear any of the other dreams/nightmares please let me know as I grow weary of going to sleep.
With hope and faith,