Memory

I just finished reading the article 'Opening to the Spirit'. I've enjoyed each one of your articles so far. I can't believe there is so much enlightenment to be found from this one source. What I found very compelling in the article is the idea that we can't know who we truly are until we begin to access our subconscious memories. I feel that I am wandering from one day to the next, that I'm not really living. I wish I knew who I was fundamentally. Do I need to access my early childhood. I believe I am in fact losing myself in my unconsciousness. My past seems a blur, my future a fog.

Emotionally, I feel very isolated. I fear this is due to a lack of empathy. I want to make a connection with someone that I can be sure of, to be able to think of someone and know that we are in complete harmony. I want that mutual feeling of harmony. I have that with no one. Perhaps the demons in our lives are those thoughts that cause us to withdrawal, to doubt, to be afraid, to be jealous, etc., to have those feelings that cause confusion and blindness.

I hadn't mentioned that I'm a twin. I believe there was a time when we had that connection. Though I remember we fought almost everyday as well. Something I still have trouble overlooking is how he unapologetically pursued a girl I was dating. Though we fought almost everyday I don't believe I ever came to punches with him over this. Atleast not explicitly. What hurt me the most was the feeling that he must've considered my love inferior to his. He always was able to maintain lasting friendships and he really never had any shortage of suitors. I just realized something. He's paying the price. That girl haunts him to this very day. Don't be mistaken, I am not gratified by this. It just appears to be how the situation has balanced itself out. He still obsesses over her but its something that saddens me. I wish I could help him move on, just like my mom. She raised 9 children. I'm the last living at home. Seven of those children are boys, she's lost 5 of them to marriage and a daughter to a girlfriend. My mom is in such opposition to the majority of her children's mates that she has isolated herself as well.

I was one of those children who never wanted to grow up. I believe I understood early on the natural freedoms of being a child. I also believe that children are highly in tune with their spirituality, with themselves. They have not yet mastered the practice of self-suppression.

The interaction I have with my father is still governed by my early memories of him. My mother- I have no desire to interact with. I think its because she saddens me. I believe this is in part due to her inability to reconcile with her troubled childhood.