30th October 2011 - Coex Session
Alone in the house, I decided to have a coex session.
As I expected, I found it easy to let go and allow my body to get on with moving in whatever way it wanted. The urge to walk in place was huge and so I allowed this to happen as my eyes closed and my breathing slowed.
I found myself doing some strange movements with my right arm: my right hand moved towards my stomach, wrist twisting so that my fingertips were pointing towards the ceiling. My right hand, followed by my forearm then moved up my chest like a plant growing within me. It was as if my right arm was miming a stem growing from my stomach up through my oesophagus and out of my mouth.
Perhaps this movement was me just playing out the seed exercise, but I didn’t get caught up in the analysis of what this meant or where it had come from. I just allowed it to take place.
Then as my other arm joined it above my head, so that my arms were now stretching out like branches of a tree my legs also pushed out to the side to try and mirror what my arms were doing.
As I began to do the splits, my poor flexibility compromised the movement and my knees bent forward so that I fell forward into a kneeling position, legs spread. I began to bounce up and down and realised that I felt like a woman having sex. This felt weird but incredibly sexual. It felt good. My right hand moved to my imaginary clitoris and my perineum and rubbed. It felt intensely sexual but I wasn’t displaying outward signs of arousal. Without any further warning I needed to walk again, so I stood up and began to walk on the spot.
With eyes closed, I felt myself bend over to the left and this caused me to start walking in anti-clockwise circles. My right hand began hitting my lower back forming a 4/4 beat in time with my steps. My voice began forming low gruff noises that gradually formed a chant. I felt like a deranged American Indian performing some kind of ritual, chanting a bizarre emotive mantra.
This began to get louder and more forceful. The increase in volume was mirrored by an increase in the force with which my right hand was thumping my lower back until I was pounding myself in a craze.
Then, abruptly I stopped walking and hitting myself but the chant continued as if it had a life of its own within me. I felt slightly frightened now.
My arms now reached above my head as if pulling something down towards me in anger. Yes, the fear was replaced by anger. Pulling it into my heart, fists clenched tight hugging this into my chest in rage. And the rage consumed me and the chanting became louder. Each time I pulled down from above, I engaged more of myself in the action until I was jumping in the air as I reached up to to whatever it was I was clasping at and then landing heavily on my feet, squatting down to my haunches and pulling down with all my might, growling the mantra out like a snarling dog.
I did this until I felt as if I was on the verge of losing control - I was exhausted by now, my right shoulder sore from hitting my back, and I lay down on my bed, breathing hard and bewildered at everything that had just happened.
I wonder what would have happened if I had completely lost control?