Last night I did LifeStream session (at least my interpretation of what it is).
First, I did the arm circles, moved and stretched, yawned, then laid down and after running through a mental list of “what to fix?” I asked my body what it needs to express/release most in that moment.
Immediately, my pelvis began rocking, my head shaking back and forth as if to say, “NO!”. I was surprised at how quickly my body took over and how easy it was.
For nearly an hour, I laid on the floor while my pelvis rocked and bumped in different ways, my chest popping and rising. I asked what would help my breathing be more easy and free, and long, humming tones erupted from my body, I was making sounds I had never heard myself make before. I was slightly startled to feel some of the vibration resonating in my pelvis. I made gurgling sounds, and more and more long, humming, tones. Several times all of the breath squeezed out of my lungs which was really uncomfortable, but I trusted it and eventually the breath would always suck back in on it’s own.
At some point, I felt as if a baby were birthing between my legs, seeming stuck there for all eternity. I sobbed, thinking of the death of my infant son, begging Life, “Can this be over? Can this please be over now? (tears come to my eyes as I type this). Can this be over now?” again and again, dozens of times. I felt the deep sorrow and pain once again of that experience and the aftermath. Then, still crying, I began repeating, “Precious, precious, precious, precious, precious, my baby my baby my baby.”
At some point, the pain was intense and just so familiar, in despair I cried out, “Do I really have to live through this one more time to release this? Can it be gentle? Can it be gentle?” Again and again, I cried out, “Can it be gentle instead? What other possibilities are there?” Through the tears, laughter bubbled up, and after a time of tears and laughter, I felt the session was complete. I felt very tired and beat up.
After which I dreamed:
I am lying in bed, I am pregnant and I know the baby is coming. I am not in pain, I simply know it’s time and I call out to my sister, “The baby’s coming! Get here now! She’s coming!” Even while I’m saying this, the baby is born. I am in a bed, under blankets, and I reach down for the baby I know is a girl. There has been no pain with the delivery.
I put her to my breast, and she puts her lips to me to nurse, but then my sister lifts her out of my hold and puts the baby to HER breast. I feel sad, conflicted, yet somehow it seems to make weird sense….for some reason now, the baby is to go to my niece, who is on her way (in waking life she is pregnant), and my sister is nursing the baby because her milk is more like my niece’s milk. I am not sure how I feel about it, perhaps deep down I go along with it and pass the baby along because I think it’s best and that they are going to be better for the baby than me (tearing up as I write this so touching something yes). I feel sorrow, I really want to nurse the baby (reflecting a sense of loss in waking life that I didn’t nurse my children – 1st one I didn’t know anything about anything about mothering, and 2nd one passed just after birth, I had nothing to dry up my milk and it was extremely physically and emotionally painful to be so full of milk with no baby to feed.)
It’s so intensely emotional to even type all of this out…it has been over 23 years since my son passed and I wonder if it’s even possible to just not have it hurt anymore.