Tony, I remember reading something you wrote that I can't find right now and want to hear more about.
What I remember, is you coming to the realization that it wasn't trauma in your body or this or that or the other that kept you from being able to love, it was your judgments.
That has stuck with me, and tonight especially while caught in a heated family exchange where I seemingly lost all ability to stay present and communicate using 'feeling' language. I watched family members play out an ongoing argument that seems so very well rehearsed (and apparently is something that they do every single night), and it was so far out of my usual experience that when I wasn't adding fuel to the fire by trying to be reasonable and rational, all I could do was check in with my body, and sit there, slack-jawed, thinking, "This is insanity. Insanity. Insanity. Insanity."
I thought of what you wrote, and wondered if I was paralyzed by my judgment of how insane the whole situation was and tried to find what you wrote and glean any insight if possible about how to change the judgments.