Patie – Obviously you are scared of failing due to many past experiences. It seems that your fear contributes to it happening again. Our unconscious mind is a real mischief maker sometimes. It is like consciously saying, “I am going to succeed”, but within our fear is saying, “Help me, I am a failure!” And it is always the fear which wins.
But you can do something that will help with your work and your relationship. It is a rather long reply, but I need to give you an example. It is quoted from my book Instant Dream Book.
“In her book, Creative Dreaming, Patricia Garfield quotes the story of Margherita, wife of the Italian writer Giovanni Guareschi. Margherita suffered a period of deep depression during which Giovanni discovered a simple way of helping her. Margherita told him of her disturbed dreams in which she wandered endlessly alone through streets and felt imprisoned by feelings of unhappiness, desire and fear.
In response to this Giovanni suggested, much to her annoyance, that in her dream she get herself a bicycle - she did not know how to drive a car.
After only a few days Margherita actually began to dream of using a bicycle and told Giovanni that her dreams were in fact made easier by it, and she awoke less tired. However, after only a week of success she fell once more into her deep depression because she had a puncture, and had again to walk. Giovanni, in his urgent attempt to help her, told her to mend the puncture in sonic way. Margherita said this was not possible as she was completely alone in her dreams and did not know how to mend a puncture. So (Giovanni took her into their garage and taught her how to remove the tyre and mend the puncture. He helped her to practice this until she could literally do it blindfold. In this way it had become a new habit.
It took three nights of dreaming before Margherita excitedly woke to tell she had successfully mended her puncture. Her new happiness and sense of independence, real in her waking life as well as in her dream life, lasted for several months. So much dependence had grown out of her dream success, that when her next problem arose she was cast down not only in her dream but also in her waking life. While riding a mountain road in her dream, she had slipped and fallen into a steep gully, where she lay injured. Giovanni tried once more to help her, studying books on rock climbing. Margherita felt, after attempting to use these techniques, that she was too weak and injured. So Giovanni pressed her to call him in her dreams . . . call him again and again to come and help her. ‘Don’t stop calling me’ he pleaded, ‘who knows, I may hear you.’
That very night while away from home he felt sure he could feel Margherita calling him. Hurrying home he found her calmly getting a meal ready. On asking her what had happened she told him she had slept and dreamt again of being in the ravine. This time she had called him continually, and at last he had appeared, thrown a rope to her and pulled her out of the ravine. Margherita’s summary was, ‘I am not worried any more. I now know that if I am ever in danger and I call to you, you will hear me and come.’
Just as a dream can deeply influence our waking life by its fear or pleasure, so our waking activities and imaginations deeply influence our dream life.”
Obviously you cannot picture riding a bicycle, but you can practise, while awake, finding a way to succeed. It may take time, and it may face you with the feelings that hold you back, but it will work if you do it for some period of time daily until you can see the results in your life.