My Needs As a Premature Baby

by Tony Crisp

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Day Night

I was born two months early prior to the formation of intensive care units and antibiotics. The doctor – it was a home birth – pronounced me dead, threw my body to one side on the bed, and said, “Let’s look after the mother.”

At that time childbirth was surrounded by very different attitudes than exist today. The shadow of enormous mortality still fell over mothers and babies, and it influenced doctors. So the doctor was implying all of this. He was telling my mother and grandmother a straightforward and accepted truth of the times - ‘Why attempt to give life to this premature and tiny baby? It will be difficult to rear, more prone to illness, and it will be harder for it to cope with life. It isn’t breathing at the moment, so forget it and try again for a healthy baby.’

My grandmother took no notice of this, carried my jaundiced body away and started me breathing by dipping my tiny form in hot and cold water.

We are all the sum total of what we experience and what we make of that experience. I slowly learned the truth of that as I was gradually confronted by the influences left deep in my being by my premature birth. For one thing, as an adult I felt as if it was a continuous struggle just to exist. I know life sometimes is a struggle, but the power of this feeling seemed to dominate me more than others. Also, I have a more than average tendency toward introspection. But other more pressing problems led me to undertake years of intensive and deep psychotherapy. During those years I arrived at a form of remembrance enabling me to experience life from the perspective of my newborn self. These remembrances sometimes arose accompanied by emotional pain, and sometimes by a sense of wonder. I discovered that to be a baby is an extraordinarily rich and wonderful experience, even though sometimes fraught with misery because of circumstances, and I cannot help but wish to share something of what I found. I do this hoping it will help mothers of undersized miracles like myself to understand something of their baby’s world.

Words from the baby I was

Speaking as the tiny premature babe I once was, you have to understand that I cannot think I can only feel. But I feel intensely. I feel without any of the filters given by the concerns adults have about how others will judge or respond to their behaviour. Also, I have no focused sense of myself as an individual being. Without language I cannot say or think, “Me”, “I” or “You”. However, my feelings handle all these equations of relationship. And my feelings are not haphazard. They have been finely tuned by millions of years of survival. So I know without thinking exactly what I need. In the same way I know my response to what is happening. Being here is not a good feeling. It is difficult to breathe, difficult to take in what I need. If I had the power of self-reflection and the words to express what I feel, I would say that I do not feel ready to be here. Everything is a struggle, as if I do not have the right equipment, as if I am not suited to this environment. I should be back in the water where I do not have to breathe or take in food.

Because I feel so vulnerable, everything frightens me. Everything seems dangerous. Even the birds I can hear singing scare me. I don’t want to be here. I want to crawl back into the egg.

Looking back on those remembered baby feelings, I can see those powerful early feeling responses to life outside the womb built a foundation from which my personal inclinations in later life developed. So, without attempting to describe my baby view of life directly, let me summarise as follows.

The premature baby is unprepared for life outside the womb. It really does want to crawl back to the place where it doesn’t have to struggle to exist. So it can be given great comfort by producing as much as possible a quiet undemanding environment. Flesh to flesh would be perfect.

Every baby has a major instinctive directive. Namely, to intimately bond with its mother. This directive has arisen because for millions of years if this bond were not established the child would die. There would be no milk to feed upon, and it might be abandonment. Everything in the baby struggles against that possibility. Some of its earliest crying is an attempt to make sure this bond is secure. It needs to know it is wanted as desperately as it wants its mother. This is its safeguard against death. It has no rational mind to think otherwise.

Your baby is not an unfeeling lump of flesh, and should not be treated as such. Until recent times no anaesthetic was given during some operations because babies were seen as without feelings or sensation.

I know from personal experience, because my own mother was young and frightened at producing such a vulnerable baby, that it is not always easy to feel confident and warmly loving if you are the mother of a premature child. But this is what your baby needs. If you recognise that you cannot give it the warmth and confidence it so desperately needs, the situation can be saved by someone else giving the baby that sort of warm love. In my own case, my grandmother was the delivering angel who helped me face my own fears and sense of dying.

Because your baby is so tiny, it doesn’t mean she or he will not become a usefully contributing member of society. But it’s unusual beginnings may give it a different perspective on life and relationships than someone born full term. This difference can be the source of great creativity. So enable your child to explore its own experience, even if that experience was an early struggle in life. Such struggles are not crosses but sources of unusual strength.

Life is precious, and I feel grateful love to my grandmother for securing me in this lifetime. Pass on to your own child the sense that life is a wonder, and that its own unique experience is a treasure to be explored.

See: http://www.dreamhawk.com/prem.htm

See also: http://www.dreamhawk.com/prem.htm#Newborn

Trailed By A Cherub

Elisabeth Hallett






Quite a few people these days maintain they've been 'touched by an angel.' Others have an equally mysterious sense of being trailed by a cherub! Susan Clarke, for example, describes it this way: "During the months before my son was conceived, I could almost 'see' this little male cherub floating above my head, laughing."

In a previous column, Steven and his wife described Steven's initial vision of a beautiful toddler, a vision that was followed by a series of contacts with the same charming child. "He seemed to be continually tapping us on our shoulders, reminding us of his presence," said Miriam. This kind of gentle persistence is apparent in many accounts of communication before conception. In many cases, the communicating presence is perceived as a baby or very young child, often manifesting a definite personality. It's not surprising therefore that some people refer to their visitor as "a cherub."

One woman speaks of the visits she received as a "courting relationship." Trilby writes, "I most emphatically had an experience of contact with my little darling before he was conceived. In short, I just perceived a presence near me (with the awareness centered at my third eye) that always caused me to look slightly upward. As I paid more attention to the presence I began to apprehend it as a small flame, similar to what one sees off a lit candle. This 'courting' relationship went on for several months before I conceived. During those months I felt as if I were being tailed, and every now and then I'd be aware that somebody was trying to get my attention. It all felt very romantic."

While some people have visual impressions, for others the communication comes in a different form. In Sarah Hinze's book Coming From the Light, a mother writes, "My experience with the unborn is very simple. We had five children, plus one miscarriage, and were trying, at this point, not to have another baby. But in quiet moments, I would hear a small, almost audible voice say, 'My name is James, and I'm ready to be born.'"

A Hovering Presence

Becky began to correspond with me while pregnant with her first child. She described in detail her experience of a pre-conception presence. "In November of last year I began to be aware of a little spirit presence hovering around me," she wrote. "At first the awareness was dim, then it became so noticeable that I felt it whirring above my right shoulder." Her story continues:

"A month or so after the dawning of this contact, I began to talk about it with people close to me. Several related that this was a common experience for women about to become pregnant. When I heard this, my inner eyes widened. For a while around this time, my little baby spirit seemed to have wandered away. I wondered if I should have kept its presence a secret. After the turn of the year, the spirit reappeared, this time hovering in front of my left hip."

Now Becky gained a visual sense of a baby. "She looked to be about six months old, dark blue eyes and dark brown hair, clearly an animated little girl. I tried to have dialogues with her in my imagination from time to time. She seemed to be communicating to me that I should hurry, that she could not wait much longer, that I had to heal my wounds in order for her to have a safe home to dwell in." As Becky continued to postpone conception, the presence gradually grew smaller until it was only a dot, "still hovering but no longer communicating." A week after it disappeared, Becky discovered that she was pregnant.

Becky wrote when her daughter was a year old, "Since her birth, my sense of our pre-pregnancy communing is even more grounded, partly because of the perspective of hindsight and partly because she truly is the baby spirit who visited me, physically as well as personality-wise. I will never get over how magical it is, from the pre-beginning all the way through and beyond."

Playing Peek-a-Boo

Like the "laughing cherub" mentioned above, the visitor in the following story seems to express a playful, joyous spirit. Cambria Henderson writes, "I was busy in the kitchen, cleaning up after lunch for my three year old son, two year old daughter and one year old baby. It had been a hectic morning, but they were all quietly napping at the moment. Or so I thought!

"I heard the giggle behind me and supposed that my son was playing 'peek-a-boo' with me. I felt the glee, as my little one peeked around the corner, saw me, and then quickly withdrew before I could turn around. If he weren't so delighted with himself (and so cute!) I would have scolded him and sent him back to bed. But that happy little giggle had me completely charmed.

"I went busily about my work, cleaning the countertops, pretending not to hear. I suddenly caught a reflection of a sweet little face, in the mirror that was sitting on my counter. I turned quickly, hoping to surprise and delight him and then chase him back to his bed with hugs and tickles. However, I was the one to be surprised! As my little one turned to run down the hallway, I realized that he had taken all of his clothes off. All I could see was the bare backside of this precious child.

"I thought it strange, as I went after him, that when I turned the hall corner, I couldn't see him. I didn't think he could run quite that fast. I also noticed and thought it strange that my house suddenly became very quiet. I stopped in front of the door to the nursery, thinking I would play a trick on him. I decided I would sneak up on him. The burst of laughter from him, when I startled him, would tickle my heart forever.

"I plastered myself up against the wall and slowly started sneaking around the doorway, suppressing my own giggles. Suddenly, I stopped short. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. All three of my children were quietly napping in their beds. All three of them fully dressed! I stood in the doorway in amazement. Who was my little visitor? Where did he go? And why did he choose to visit me and be so playful? I didn't know. I didn't have any answers.

"Many years later, as my youngest child was playing a game of 'peek-a-boo' with me, after getting out of the tub, she turned and ran down the hallway, giggling with delight. She was so pleased with herself, being such a tease with mom. A feeling of deja-vu swept over me, and it all came rushing back. I suddenly realized that she had been my child visitor. I had had the incredible opportunity of sharing a sweet, loving moment with my child, five years prior to her birth."

A Grandmother's Story

Most pre-conception contacts are experienced by parents-to-be, but this is not always the case. Grandparents, siblings, other family members and friends may also sense a communicating presence. Sheila Berry enjoyed many visits from her grandsons, from a realm that seems to be simultaneously after death and before birth.

In October, 1994, Sheila's daughter-in-law gave birth prematurely to twin boys. "The smaller of the two boys had only half a heart and could not survive," Sheila explains. "Moreover, the twins were in a single amniotic sac, a very rare occurrence. Because of the single sac, attempts to take the smaller twin resulted in the loss of both babies." Sheila tried to deal with the loss by denying that the babies were real persons. But a year later, they became very real to her. During a group meditation at an A.R.E. conference (Association for Research and Enlightenment), Sheila suddenly felt her grandsons' presence --a lively, bubbling presence. She relates:

"They stayed with me through the end of the conference, and I kept 'hearing' them say, 'We have to get our mom a birthday gift.' After the conference concluded, my husband and I stopped at the A.R.E. Visitor Center and went into the book store. I said nothing to my husband, but let the twins guide me in finding a gift for their mother. Angel wind chimes? No. A poster? No, not quite right. A tape or CD? No. Then my husband approached, holding out a book he had found: 'Our Children Forever,' messages to parents from their children, discerned by the psychic George Anderson. Yes! And they were clear about the inscription, too: 'To our Mom, from your boys. Happy birthday. We love you.'

"Initially, I would feel the presence of both twins, but that gradually changed over the next year. It was as if the smaller twin stepped to the background; he had accomplished what he set out to do in that brief expression of spirit in flesh, and was content where he was. The larger twin, Taylor, began to 'come around' by himself. I would feel him around me from time to time in much the same way I had at the conference.

"When I learned in 1995 that my daughter-in-law was again pregnant, I understood why. But about three months into that pregnancy, when I once again felt Taylor's presence, there was a strong sense of sadness around him. I knew something was wrong and called my daughter-in-law. She confirmed what she had just learned, that the fetus she carried was too deformed to survive. 'Try again,' I told her, prodded by the soul who wanted to be her child. 'You'll have a healthy baby the next time.'

"In March of 1997, I suddenly felt his presence again. This time it was bubbly and vital, playful and almost teasing. I called my daughter-in-law. 'Are you pregnant,' I asked, and she said she thought so, but no one knew yet, not even my son. But her son knew. He came around to visit me less and less as the pregnancy progressed and he fitted himself to his new life. On October 13, 1997, exactly three years after his first try, Taylor was born to the parents he was determined to have."

Choice or Destiny?

These marvelous stories may lead us to conclude that the makeup of our families is a prearranged destiny. But is there evidence that choice also plays a part? In the next column, we'll look at experiences that suggest the possibilities of creative freedom and flexibility.

Please consider sharing your own stories of communication before conception, through future installments of this column. Contact me, Elisabeth Hallett, by email at soultrek@montana.com, or at P.O.Box 705, Hamilton, MT 59840.

Special thanks to Sarah Hinze for the story by Cambria Henderson; to Sheila Berry for A Grandmother's Story, and to Susan, Trilby, and Becky, contributors to Soul Trek: Meeting Our Children on the Way to Birth.

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Brief Book Review

Sarah Hinze: Coming From the Light: Spiritual Accounts of Life Before Life (Simon & Schuster, 1997).

It is often said that when the time is ripe for a new idea, it will occur to several people at once.

Unknown to each other, Sarah Hinze and I both gathered stories of pre-birth and pre-conception contacts over many years. Her book, initially published as Life Before Life, has been revised and reissued in a Pocket Books edition as Coming From the Light: Spiritual Accounts of Life Before Life (Simon & Schuster, 1997). The new edition is enhanced by an Afterword by Sarah's husband, psychologist Brent Hinze, Ph.D., in which he draws comparisons between near-death and pre-birth experiences and analyzes the aspects of a "typical" pre-birth contact.

Sarah's approach is deeply spiritual and reverent. She presents more than thirty inspiring personal stories from parents and adoptive parents, describing connections with their children before conception and during pregnancy (or the pre-adoption period). Sarah's own experiences are perhaps the most remarkable of all, told in the moving first chapter. It opens with the words, "My interest in life before life is very personal. Before each of our nine children was born, I sensed that he or she was preparing to come to earth."

Excerpts of this lovely book can be read online at Sarah's website.

INVITATION: Please join in exploring the mysteries of communication before conception. If you have had such an experience, please consider sharing it here! You can contact me by e-mail at soultrek@montana.com or by letter: Elisabeth Hallett, Box 705, Hamilton MT 59840.

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Purposeful Contact: The Mysterious Power of Children-To-Be Elisabeth Hallett

It was midwinter and pitch-dark when the Volkswagen skidded off the road into an icy river. Unable to fight her way to shore, C. was exhausted, ready to give up and surrender to the freezing water when suddenly a voice protested...

C. is a down-to earth, level-headed woman, and an old friend. The adventure she related to me happened three years before the birth of her first child, when she and her husband were driving home to Montana after a Christmas trip. In her own words:

"We were anxious to get to our cabin in the Swan Valley so we drove night and day. We stopped in Great Falls for gas and were warned not to cross Rogers Pass because there was wind and extreme cold. Being young, we went along anyway. After crossing the pass we stopped for a cheeseburger and fries -- it was about 9:00 P.M.

"As we started up the Swan Highway we encountered a snow packed highway. As we came around the corner, a large amount of snow blew off the bank above us causing a glare of snow and lights. I thought a car was coming toward us so I swerved, over-corrected, went into a spin and flipped over, and landed on our wheels in the Stillwater River.

"J. tried to paddle the car with the snow shovel but we were in a small whirlpool and just went around in circles. He climbed out the window into the river and got the spare tire out of the trunk for me to float on. He swam for shore and I tried to push off from the car on the tire. Unfortunately the tire was attached, so that I couldn't use it for flotation as it was going down with the car. By this time I was ready to give up, death seemed a treat (I thought I would see my mother again). J. hollered at me from shore and then seemed to disappear under the ice. I resigned myself to an easy death.

"Then I heard, 'But I haven't even been born yet!' This didn't seem relevant at that time, but a hand or force or whatever seemed to grab me by the collar of my jacket and much as a cat carries a kitten, propelled me to shore. Later, when we had broken into a cabin and were running out of energy, I woke up and seemed to hear the same admonition -- "I'm not born yet." We were rescued in the morning.

"Three years later my son was born. The first night I was home with him he woke in the night to be fed. As I nursed him I had a vision back into the past of my mother, grandmother and so on nursing their children, and I felt connected to this pattern or plan. Then I knew it was my son who had spoken the night of the accident."

This wonderful story illustrates one of the intriguing patterns in communications before conception: they often seem to have a definite purpose. In this experience, as in many others, the apparent purpose is to overcome an obstacle to conception. The untimely death of your intended mother would surely be a serious problem! But there are other roadblocks on the way to birth, and other stories that suggest the same amazing possibility--that children-to-be are somehow able to intervene and deal with obstacles to their own arrival.

In the story of Miriam and Steven, for example (see part I, this column), Miriam was not only emotionally opposed to motherhood, but had even undergone surgery to prevent it. It took a whole series of visionary and dream contacts with a very appealing little boy to overcome her resistance.

When people have lost a child, their grief and fear can become barriers to risking pregnancy again. Patricia and her husband were devastated when their first pregnancy ended with a stillborn baby girl. They were inclined to shut the door on parenthood forever -- and then, as Patricia says, "I met another child in my dreams. His name was Luka, and he said he would wait for us to welcome him into our lives."

But Patricia was not ready. She still had months of anger and sorrow to endure, and most of all, the fear of another loss. Yet the dream-child was persistent. He appeared again the following year, with the same message that he was waiting to be welcomed. "Why was this happening?" says Patricia. "How could I get this out of my mind?" She continues: "That autumn, I started to realize how depressed I really was. I was functioning in the outside world, but it was apparent in therapy that this sadness had a grip on me. I even thought about whether life was worth continuing. I had had so many losses in my life, and this was about all I could endure.

"Then, the vision to end all visions happened. I'll never forget it. I was taking a shower, alone, on a sunny Saturday afternoon. I heard this voice (There was no visual). I can't say the voice was loud, or startled me, or anything like that. But it spoke in no uncertain terms to me, and then vanished. He said that I was perfectly ripe to accept him into our lives, and that this was our last chance because he had to move on.

"I opened up like a lotus to the notion of having this child come into our lives. I felt a cloud lift. But I stood in the shower in slight disbelief. I didn't know what to do, but I felt lightness, love, hope, and happiness. I told my husband (as I had always done when I got these visions), and asked him if he would be interested in reconsidering our baby decision. When Peter said he wanted this baby, too, I can't tell you how elated I felt. Maybe I've never felt such joy. We made love once, and the rest, they say, is history. Luka was conceived that day."

Where does the parent-and-child bond begin? The editorial of the APPPAH Newsletter of Spring 1997 made an important point. "Considering what we know about the realities of life before birth," it proposes, "shouldn't we be setting the clock of parenting back from 'early' (birth to three) to 'very early' (conception to birth)?" Now, these stories of a presence even before conception have me wondering: Is it time to look even further back for the beginning of our connections with our children?

INVITATION: Please join in exploring the mysteries of communication before conception. If you have had such an experience, please consider sharing it here! You can contact me by e-mail at soultrek@montana.com or by letter: Elisabeth Hallett, Box 705, Hamilton MT 59840.

Books for Further Exploration

Conscious Conception, by Jeannine Parvati Baker and Frederick Baker, 1988 (Freestone Publishing Co & North Atlantic Books) was one of the first books to talk about parenthood as a relationship that begins in a spiritual dimension. Subtitled "Elemental Journey through the Labyrinth of Sexuality," this classic book really is like a labyrinth to explore! It's an unusual blend of earthiness and spirituality, with a wealth of interesting material from several contributors.

Through all the stories and articles runs the daring assumption that an unborn child is a conscious presence before conception. There are many examples of pre-conception communication, as felt by men as well as by women. For example, a father describes a reverie he experienced, some months before the conception of his child. While half-asleep, he found himself in a rose garden. "Just about the time I started thinking about leaving, I felt something move. It was more like a shift in energy than anything else. I looked over towards the fountain. Seated on a marble bench was a robed figure. It was smiling at me.

"I'm not one to go around seeing things, visions or otherwise. However, I was now very curious. So I asked the figure who it was. I started to repeat my question when I suddenly knew the answer. This being was waiting to come through us. The 'us' was my lover and I. This being would be our baby, our child. It was now making contact with us. It had decided to start with me."

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Interesting Links to Pregnancy and Parenting

Motherhood - lots of features about aspects of motherhood.

A Pregnancy Guide for Expectant Mothers.

{short description of image} - The safest way to birth now has a meeting place for all parents, professionals and community groups to gather, exchange information and offer support.

Pregnancy Resources

Everythinbg from 'Teen Pregnancy' to 'Baby Showers'.

Yahoo links to Pregnancy and Birth

Postpartum Depression

Obesity During Pregnancy

A Mother Who Tried to do Everything and Stressed out

Babyzone - Lots of intersting features such as baby names, nutrition, learning difficulties, breastfeeding, etc.

Adolescent Pregnancy

{short description of image} - American Pregnancy Organisation. Using natural herbs and vitamins during pregnancy.

Also on the same site - Pregnancy Symptoms – early signs of pregnancy and possible alternative explanations for the symptoms.

And - Pregnancy - everything related to pregnancy presented by the American Pregnancy Association.

Dictionary of Pregnancy, Parenting and Preconception

Healthy Pregnancy Planner

Pregnancy and Teens - Lots of links with helpful information. Everything from prevention to dealing with pregnancy.

Pregnancy and Parenting Features - Lots of top class features and guides.

Catholic Social Services (USA) - A support for mothers who are in crisis, homeless or general help.

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