Thank you for the feedback, it is much appreciated.
I recently posted the entry below on Facebook, to show that difficulties can be grown beyond. It was written on March 8th 1977. It has been a very long journey but all is well now. So keep on Opening to Life in any way you can.
I CAN'T SUCCEED AT LOVE
“I can’t succeed at love, and yet I can’t stop wanting women. I couldn’t even be a bloody homosexual. What can I do? Look at me, I’m a fucking wreck. Look - women - at what you have done to me. Look. Come on, really look. I’ll show you. What a mess. I tried and tried to love. How can I after what has been done to me? There is so much pain. I just don’t know how to do it. I just don’t know what to do. It’s no good. I’ll give up. What’s the point?”
I was crying at the frustration of the years of trying to learn love, yet I still can’t love my wife. I still don’t fancy making love to her body. I then suppose, when it comes to it, any woman would be more attractive to me. My inner feelings from past memories just keep getting in the way, even after these years of trying to sort out my problems, I still can’t consistently love a woman physically. Emotionally is okay.
I remember I had started experiencing this bit about women by saying, “Don’t get near me. Go away. I’d sooner have a wank. I don’t want you near me. Much better to masturbate.”
“I’ll give in.”
I lay quietly feelings defeated and crushed by repeated failure. I said to Elaine how Ashram used to frighten me. There was so many people who had given up because there were just too many difficulties in the way of ever being able to succeed at basic life functions such as loving and being loved.
Then with a great cry, and tears, I shouted out, “I don’t want to give in. I want to go on. I want to go on living and loving. I’m not going to give in. Life is love. Life is love, and I’m going on even if it kills me. I love you Life. I love you so much. I’m not much good at it, but I’m going to carry on loving and living. I’m often frightened, but I love you even so. Sometimes it hurts but I love in pain.”
In all this I felt a great depth of feeling. It was a huge wave. A wave of Life in me - Life and Love.
“But it is so painful sometimes.”
I felt I was life itself crying with the pain, trials and difficulties of living. Crying with all the sensitivity of the gentle easily torn tissues of our body. I was the body weeping. I was an animal roaring in pain. My body contorted as the roars of pain came out of me. I looked at my hand. “I am Life. The pain and the wonder will never go away. Life and love will always be full of pain and wonder. But I want to go on.”
Now I lay quietly for a while, but I could feel vibrating energy flowing through me, causing me to tremble. my wife started to cry. It was as if I were life speaking.
I eventually wrote
http://dreamhawk.com/relationship-sex/learning-to-love/ on January 2016
Tony