I am in fact filled with anger towards society and culture and i call them stupid and ignorant and hateful of what they do not understand. and what angers me the mos is their closed mindedness and not wanting to understand.
I don’t hate them because they hate me, I am mad at them and filled with resentment towards them for not even wanting to grow evolve or reach any higher level because as selfish as that may sound, it leaves me and others like me feeling abandoned isolated and alone. I am aware that many of those closed minded people are very miserable and unhappy in their ways and that after reaching the conclusions I have reached throughout my life I am much happier and fulfilled than they are. Also I HAVE in fact learned how to use my brain in different ways than they do! but I am alone and I do not want to waste my time with mingling with them either so I am perceived as stuck up no fun serious all the time kinda gal, and they are not and that for me is what makes me hurt. Does that make any sense ? What else do you recommend I read ?
*****
***** - I had years of feeling angry, alone, misunderstood. But two dreams changed - slowly - the way I viewed my life. The first was I was in a prison cell with two other men. I felt it was in Spain somewhere. We ate, slept and defecated in the cell. I was standing at the bars of the cell, and had the impression I had been in the prison for years. I was shouting and cursing the people who had put me in the prison, full of hate and self pity.
One day as I stood raging at the bars I suddenly realised that my years of shouting had availed nothing. The only person who was upset by it was me. I was the victim of my own anger and turmoil. It was as if I had been haunted all my life by ghosts of anger and passion. I dropped the attitudes or ‘ghosts’ and was free of them. Years went by and one by one I recognised and dropped other habits of emotion and thought that had trapped and tortured me. I realised I could be totally free within myself.
One morning I woke and sat up on the mattress on the floor that was my bed. The last ghost of inner entrapment fell away. A fountain of joy opened in my body, pouring upwards through me. It was so intense I cried out. My cell mates called a warden because they thought I had gone mad. They stood looking at me as I experienced radiance so strong I felt as if I must be shining. I was aware my joy poured into them, although they thought I was possibly insane. I could sense the enormous change in me influencing them, and I knew it couldn’t help but change them also. I realised that I might never be released from the prison, but it didn’t matter as I had found a fuller release than simply walking the streets. Even though remaining behind prison bars, I would still be touching people’s lives deeply. Nothing would ever be the same again.
The other dream was also life changing but too long to quote, but what it led me to realise is that we all are in the middle of a great conflict or battle. On one side of us is our own natural urges and being, and on the other side is what the social norm is, the enormous social pressure. People tend to side with one or the other. If we side with our natural impulses which are often our animal instincts to get food or sex and survive with anger, and so often end up with a battle with others than can never been won.
On the other side is the person who is so clean and respectable they even smell like they have just come out of the dry cleaners. They are so sure of themselves and never break the rules that sometimes they are stuck in beliefs that are paralysing.
But there is a way in the middle that you can see being used by those who are living from their own nature, but expressing it in a socially acceptable way - like musicians, artists, and those who create from their vision instead of fighting everyone.
The thing is to sing out about what you are.
Tony