There's two dreams that I don't think I'll ever forget. Simply because of their utter...just...I feel the words "force" or "power" would deny the actual......Gravitas...... these dreams demonstrated to me. One I had not long ago. The other...I had last night. They're both opposite of each other, I feel, yet their gravitas was within the same realm, I think.
The first...It wasn't too long ago...maybe a few months (possibly a year?)...this was before I came into contact with a woman I could only have dreamed of and fell in love with...and lost not long ago (a few weeks, not sure why I feel compelled to think it's somehow relevant) And in this dream, I was in my old home back in Illinois looking outside at the sun from my office. And then the sun simply blacked out. Within minutes the entire sky went black (there were no stars). Then the air began to freeze, as I looked outside I saw as the landscape utterly froze before me. Eventually it froze the home, and I could FEEL myself being incased in ice...I...don't know how to describe it other than sheer, relentlessly forceful, and lifeless...I felt cold, but it wasn't uncomfortably cold (i.e. freezing cold)...I could see it so clearly, it was...it was utter shock and awe.
But...today...I had another dream...
Today, in my dream, I was looking outside from my bedroom, and someone was in the hallway...I don't remember if they said anything, or what they were saying. I just know someone else was there (and I don't know why that is somehow important)...it was night time. And as I turned back to the window all the lights outside blacked out yet (no stars or anything, I knew all the houses were still there though), off to the side of the window, and I couldn't see it fully...I saw a brilliant orangish-red glow, and as i tried to look at what it was coming from, it turned into a brilliant all encompassing light that covered everything. Suddenly I could no longer feel anything but a crushing weight of absolute power and burning warmth (it wasn't hot) cover my body. I struggled to move but it felt so absolutely futile to even to try to think about moving, and to just accept the weight and burning warmth. When the light faded there was nothing, not even me...
This didn't frighten me at all...the darkness or the cold that is (from both dreams), as I've accepted the void...that light though...it was unlike anything I've felt. I'd like to say something was unlocked...ignited...though...and I don't know why. What truly frightens me, is I don't even think my unconscious knows the origin of that light...and if it does, why won't it show me?...or is it important that it doesn't show me?...The past few weeks I've been doing things differently...or rather I've lost interest in things that previously made me happy for a long time...they no longer do so, yet, I feel driven to do other things that previously gave me no enjoyment...or I'm looking for new things that will...this is different from depression (I've been depressed before...) I feel...a fire in my chest that didn't exist before...a burning light...and it's desperately looking for something...something it had, and has now lost...but it is simply not content without it...it felt a connection to her unlike anyone it has known. It knows now that there are people out there like her...possibly even better...maybe...it is restless, and it will not stop until it has become one with someone like her again...it is tired of being alone...it has felt the eternity of loneliness and had accepted it...but that warmth...that light...that joy that she gave it...it was too ephemeral...it wasn't enough...it is determined to have it again...no matter the cost...but......if this light dies before I find another......that......is when I will truly be afraid...not of death...not of sickness...I am afraid of losing the only person that has made me truly happy...that even inspired me, even if it was for only a short time...I must find someone like that again. I can't stop; I will not stop...