Mikey – I cannot rest in myself having just wrote a very non everyday reply. You have come back often, maybe seeking inisights. But there is so much in your dream and to explain what I see that is vitally important I will tell a story, because I hope it is an example that has meaning.
In the early 1970’s, after years of active discipline I learnt to allow the dream process to break through into my conscious life, so I could experience a dream while fully awake. For many people this might not seem much because they have no understaniding of what is involved. But for me, I discovered that dreams show us the things we are refusing to acknowledge about us, that are horrible to witness, we are scared of, so we built a huge wall to protected us from seeing our own ignoble self. But also dreams often reveal universal truths.
As I learnt to allow myself to experience thes dreams consciously, at first it was traumas that emerged with deeply felt emotions and once experienced they were gone and the underlying depressive emotions wiped out. But after that had gone for some time – I used to practice every week – I experienced this:
''It started with a waking dream in which I was in the First World War in Germany. The Germans had taken a hill we had been defending, and I had been captured. The dream process continued as if it was something very real. I experienced, in a very deep sense, being a prisoner and being tied to a bed. German officers tortured me by crushing my left foot, but I wouldn't give information. During the fantasy my body actually took on the position of being tied and tortured, and I cried out with the pain. It all seemed real to me, and knowing my name as that soldier, I thought it must be memories of a past life.
Because I would not talk I was strapped on the bed face down and a line of German soldiers came and one after the other, buggered me. I lived this all out with my body and feelings too, and I really understood what people meant when they say 'I feel buggered:' It was as if my personality had been smashed, broken, and I was just a body walking around. On talking this over with a friend however, I noticed when I came to the past-life descrption, I didn't look her in the eye, and I thought I must be avoiding looking at something in myself.
So I continued to explore. It took a long time because we do not want to see what we have done to ourselves. To cut a long story short I slowly realised that when I was thirteen an uncle who had lived through two wars gave me a series of volumes about the first world war, all photographs of the horrors we do do each other in such conflicts.
I gradually realised that I had lived through a huge conflict, a first world war, in my youth as a thirteen year old, and my dream graphically described it. I was in my forties as I was realising this. For from thirteen until twenty one I had killed my sexaul self. I had no sexual experience, no ejaculation, nothing. I had killed or maimed the huge experience of sexual growth. So instead of expressing it outwardly the sexual energy had turned inwards into myself over and over causing a fragmenitng of my person.
So instead of owning it and seeing the damage I had done to myself I projected it onto a past life, into mysticism instead of real life.
The cause of it was that I had been born prematurely and wasn’t breathing but my grandmother managed to get me breathing. So my mother had a terrible fear that I wasn’t strong enough and could die, and at the time Tuberculosis was everywhere, and as sign of TB was greater sexual need as one died, probably to procreate. So my mother, fearing I had TB because I had started masturbating, one day erupted emotioanly and screamed at me, “Daddy and I don’t want you to die, and if keep masturbating you will die.”
The shock of that lasted till I was 21, and it wasn’t easy to become a normal person again.
So the message is dreams show what you do or have done to yourself and projected it out as done by others. So I ask, “Why have you crushed your inner female?”
Tony