Dear Tony,
Thanks for this website because it has helped me so much!
I dreamt that I was about to be baptised again in my current age (I’m in my late 20s; I am Catholic and hence was baptised as a baby, and re-baptism does not exist). The baptism was taking place in my small hometown, however not in the same cathedral as that where I was baptised. It was in a smaller cathedral which in real life is right next to where my dad was spending the last few years of his life (an association he was volunteering for has its offices there, and he and his colleagues went for drinks to a bar/café right next to that church; the town is, however, pretty small).
Inside, this cathedral looked different from reality. It was more medieval and ancient, with darker stones, and a warmer light inside (in reality it is a bit unadorned). It had two floors and was pretty narrow. I was near the aisle and talking to some people (possibly local middle-aged women), until I got called up to the floor above. The people were sitting on typical church benches, except the benches were facing the aisle and not, as in regular custom, the altar.
I walked up a narrow staircase made of wrought iron. the staircase was straight and not a spiral one, and it only had the right handrail since it was built right next to a wall. The walls had bricks visible, departing from reality. The floor above was more like a mezzanine/balustrade, rather than a proper separate floor (once I got to the top floor, I could see the aisle below with the people).
I believe I was wearing something white-y, and not a tunic but something more feminine (not a wedding dress). When I got up, my father and my mother were there, and the same priest who did my baptism (or at least I think he did), and who is not the priest of my hometown anymore but who was very much loved by the population.
There was no round baptismal font as usual in Catholic churches. Instead, there was an opening in the floor, a kind of a bath made of stone, not very big, probably the size of a bathroom bath. The atmosphere here was even more mystical, since there was some candles burning like in movies about the middle age, and the nave of the church looked more gothic (which is not the real church). The priest was wearing usual priest gear, and was holding a big chain with an incense holder (customary in the Catholic rite, but unusually big). He was probably blessing the water, which was very clear, as if a light came through it. There was probably someone else on the floor, probably clergy.
My father came to me and hugged me so intensely, and I hugged him back, with so much love. I think this embrace lasted a while. My father in the dream looked the same age as when I was born/had my first birthday (i.e., the year I was baptised), but was wearing the same clothes he was wearing in the last years of his life, when he was much older. That is, he was wearing his signature black leather coat. But he looked young, and smiling. At peace. His eyes were gleaming with peace and love, whereas in life his eyes had always been a bit sad. He was smiling. He was strong and in control.
After this big hug, he pat me on the shoulder and think he accompanied me for a few steps (with his arm wrapped on my shoulders) towards the baptismal “bath”.
I do not have a recollection of the actual baptism happening in the dream.
My mother, instead, was standing a bit behind my father, close to a very big semi-cylindrical sculpture (probably a baptismal itself) and almost leaning on a wall (a stone wall,not a brick wall now). Differently from my father, she looked straight out of the pictures of my real baptism. Her hair was is in the colour and fashion she had at that time. her clothes were the same of those pictures from the early 90s. her demeanour the same. She looked the age she was at the time. She didn’t say anything, and was standing and holding one hand into the other such as when listening to a big speech (or a mass). She smiled politely and sort of unwittingly, shyly, as she used to do. She looked young and naive, as she seemed in those pictures of my real baptism. She didn’t come hug me. She was more a respectful bystander than a participant.
Later in the dream, a guy (let’s call him G.) is looking for a café/bar in my hometown and finding it by talking to people there. I see this scene as a movie, ie. I am not present in this scene. An elderly gentleman (one of those middle-aged people who go from bar to bar in my hometown, something my father used to do too), jokes with G. about something. I then arrive, find G. (we may kiss but I’m not sure), we have a drink and he says how cheap it is, to which I reply that we are not in Milan (where he’s from) so it is cheap, and we then go walking towards the historic centre of my hometown. We are relaxed. It was probably midday or anyways daytime, the sun was shining it was summertime, and not many people in the street (probably at home eating lunch).
This latter part of the dream, I was already drowsy/closer to being awake, so I am not sure how it informs the dream, it was completely abrupt from the baptism scene.
the background to my dream: my father killed himself three months ago (you may have seen other dreams posted by me since I’ve been dreaming a lot ever since). I loved him so much, and we were one of a kind. He was a free spirit, and he had a big heart he gave to everyone he met, without reserve, in its entirety. He loved deeply.
My mother instead suffers from some personality disorder (most likely narcissism), and this is something I have realised less than a year ago. I grew up with her, since my parents separated when I was a child, and was very much enmeshed with her, and manipulated, and my emotions not having a place to be. I did not have a place to simply be and exist with her. since I realised this, our relationship deteriorated, and now she is not even getting in touch with me, possibly because she saw that she is making me feel worse, but not sure.
G. was the first person I truly loved, and since I could not live these feelings with him, I turned them towards myself and slowly started loving myself. This was a catalyst to my awakening and to realising things about my life, such as my mother’s mental problems, and all the consequences this has had on the kind of friendships I form (I moved away from nearly all my “friendships” in the past 1-2 years, they were either one-sided or co-dependent). G. and I were initially attracted, but then he retracted after we spent a night together. he then kept the waters muddy, saying he wanted to be my friend but constantly flirting. In the end, he did not give me friendship, nor love, nothing (apart from work advice), and whenever I asked for explanations, huge fights ensued and created by him. in many aspects G. is similar to my mother. I am sure at some point there were some feelings from his part. With time he became more and more distant and treating me like a buddy. he always insisted on meeting him where he wants and when he wants. I stopped contacting him about 10 days ago, which is a record for me since we had this unhealthy relationship of me writing and he always replying, giving me crumbs of attention, and so hope that this distance will give him the guts to write to me (which he rarely ever did), but I am conscious it may not happen. I am not sure I love him anymore, and I crave closure in this situation, be it for the good or the bad. Being distant, however, is giving me more space to feel my feelings, and I fear having to let go of the very person that made me discover my ability to love.
So a lot for me is going on. I am in a phase of semi-denial where my father’s death seems like a movie. I am unsure of what to do with my professional life, and since I do little jobs for now, I am spending the summer doing nothing but chilling and feeling things (which is not fun at times). I am not working at the moment. I am thinking of moving back to my home country to be close to my roots, but I am very unsure of what to do as I do not feel any energy pull towards anything. I never fully engaged with my life, mostly as a result of having to grow up with a narcissist, and I feel lost because I want to engage with my life fully and do not know how to do it. So I spend my days just looking inside me and letting answers come. In this introspection, I letting myself feel my repressed anger, from my childhood, my mom, how she behaves now and how she has always behaved.
I feel I have lost the only person who ever loved me. there are days where I am deprived of energy and have tiredness/apathy, not wanting to do much. I am not in danger, but I do sometimes think that it would be beautiful to be with my dad now. I would have all his love for me, whereas because of my time of transition right now I feel in a limbo without love and affection. Was my dad showing me his presence and love in the dream? That he is with me although we are in different dimensions?
This dream happened after an emotionally intense day of introspection where I worked on my anger and my boundaries. I then went to a church gathering, where I felt very good and where I have the opportunity to explore and deepen a faith I am just starting to discover. The vicar played a song that made me think of G. Later, I spent an evening in the park, and connected to the earth (feminine energy), and performed yoga under the moonlight. I felt balanced and ready to love and be loved. Unfortunately, as I came home I read an email form my mom asking me for practical things and ignoring how I am again, and I went to bed with some anger.
I feel the dream is about a new life to which I am moving to. One where my true nature (the one I share with my dad) will have a full place to live and express itself, a life where I can love, where I can give. I feel my dad was wishing me good luck and giving me all his love to carry with me in this new life. My mom presented her most human face, the one where she was young and before I became a person with my own needs she could not fulfil (and before probably she became bitter and disenchanted about everything, people, places, situations, money- as she is now). She probably chose to stay on the side and let me go, as she is not able to accompany me on this journey (which is probably what she is doing in real life). Am I separating from both my parents to form my own life?
Does a dream connect only to my own unconscious or also connect me with others’ subconscious or souls? Was it my actual father giving me all that love in that hug? It felt so real. My dad was in the eternal bliss where he is now, he was smiling and everything about him felt abundant and in place. Was it my real mother’s unconscious mind communicating to me in the dream? Was it G.’s subconscious mind communicating something to me? Or was it very simply what he represents to me? Does the whole dream mean that once I will step into this new life of love and following my free spirit, of being true to myself, the man whom I will love will come find me in my own world and we will spend a good and relaxed time together?
I thank you for the patience in reading this. I know it is long, but I am very possibly going through the hardest time of my life, and your help would be invaluable in me directing the questions I am asking of my dream.
thanks and wishing you a good day,
V.