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General Category => General Discussion => Topic started by: Rain_Dancer on June 10, 2012, 05:25:24 AM

Title: Judgments
Post by: Rain_Dancer on June 10, 2012, 05:25:24 AM
Tony, I remember reading something you wrote that I can't find right now and want to hear more about.
What I remember, is you coming to the realization that it wasn't trauma in your body or this or that or the other that kept you from being able to love, it was your judgments.

That has stuck with me, and tonight especially while caught in a heated family exchange where I seemingly lost all ability to stay present and communicate using 'feeling' language.  I watched family members play out an ongoing argument that seems so very well rehearsed (and apparently is something that they do every single night), and it was so far out of my usual experience that when I wasn't adding fuel to the fire by trying to be reasonable and rational, all I could do was check in with my body, and sit there, slack-jawed, thinking, "This is insanity.  Insanity.  Insanity. Insanity."
I thought of what you wrote, and wondered if I was paralyzed by my judgment of how insane the whole situation was and tried to find what you wrote and glean any insight if possible about how to change the judgments.

Title: Re: Judgments
Post by: Tony Crisp on June 15, 2012, 10:08:36 AM
Rain_Dancer – I can’t remember what I wrote, but I can remember the situation described, or at least one of them.

Anyway, the core of it was that I had been tearing myself apart looking for a childhood trauma that caused me so much torment. And I had an enlightening experience that lasted for three days in which I found freedom from pain. I saw in that time that it wasn’t a trauma but it was ME. In other words it was all the cultural judgements and morals of right and wrong that I had been brought up within. So each time I thought of myself it caused me enormous turmoil and pain – I saw myself as a bad father, and awful husband, a real hypocrite and a failure. They were not traumas, though I had faced many of those and got through them – they were a part of the structure of ME. So I set about changing my habits of thought. In fact I saw that ANY thought is only a photocopy of reality – how can it be anything else? No thought is the object of the thought. It is all based on association with words. That realisation was a wonderful release. Every time I started to think what a failure I was I looked at the thoughts and said – “What a load of crap thoughts are!”

I know – here we are trying to communicate with thoughts. Oh well.

Title: Re: Judgments
Post by: Rain_Dancer on June 16, 2012, 04:05:08 PM
Perfect, thank you, that articulates exactly what was wanting to surface.

I forget sometimes that I don't have to be polite and peacemaker with my thoughts, I can be more assertive with them (and now seeing how the way I treat my inner experience plays out in 'external' reality!).
Title: Re: Judgments
Post by: Tony Crisp on June 18, 2012, 08:43:16 AM
Wow. I'm not giggling, I am overflowing.

Whoops, here it goes again.