Topics

1

Dream Interpretation / All one

« on: July 24, 2016, 03:31:51 AM »

So, I get that all of my dream characters are me...my brain is creating all of them and the scenario.  I feel kind of curious about some dream snippets I experienced last night.

I don't remember a lot of the dream - I mostly remember that there were other men around, who were also me, running around with long sharp garden shears, cutting things in their path.  One of them rushed past me (it was also me at the same time but my perspective was primarily as viewing him) and I grabbed the huge shears out of his hand reflexively, without even thinking or worrying about injury to myself.  I wondered at this...

Then, in the same room with the same people, a man approaches me.  He is my father (not resembling my father in waking life).  I am so physically attracted to him.  I feel extremely aroused by him, and, I am him at the same time feeling turned on by me.  I am wrapped around him, grinding on him and he is holding me.  We may be saying, this is ok now or something along those lines, and I feel like I can hardly stand to hold back and am practically begging him to enter me but at the last minute, something stops us and it might be "his" guilt or mine or some sense of wrongness, not exactly sure.    I felt sad and rejected and frustrated.

In waking life, I've been diligently moving towards getting unstuck in my life.  I've managed to create a car accident where I totalled my car, it caught on fire!  Yet I walked away with only bruises, feeling very focused on the euphoria of having survived, but at the same time I managed to put myself in a hole financially.  I then went on to make some extensive and expensive damage to a friend's vehicle that I'm not sure how I will pay for, putting me further in a financial hole.  I broke a long-standing pattern of 'chasing' an unavailable and disrespectful man, even though it felt agonizing because the chemistry was so intense and the self-doubting voices telling me I was screwing everything up were at full volume...sigh...

Not long ago I dreamed of the same shadowy father figure, only then I woke up feeling electric shocks all through me and FURY at his abuse of me.  Which is my own abuse of myself, I suppose.

It seem the inner saboteur is coming out in force, it all feels related.  I don't know exactly how to handle all of this or what to make of it.  I'm sort of fishing for an epiphany here..

2

Healing Dreams / Black Dragon

« on: March 02, 2016, 06:08:55 AM »

Twice this week I have experienced excruciating stomach pain, and all-over joint pain.  I've actually been feeling lots and lots of inexplicable all-over pain for years now, and lately I had been visualizing plucking plants and imagining I was pulling the roots of the pain.
This morning, after being up until 5am with the pain, I finally fell asleep and into a lucid dream.  For a brief moment I struggled to stay grounded, and quickly surrendered to the feeling of rising and floating and allowing the dream to move me.  Soon I was flying, and marveling at how easily I was controlling my flight.  I remembered, there was something I wanted to address in the dream.  I leaned back, threw my hands wide and asked, "Hey, DREAM!  What is the root of all of this pain?"  I was floated over to a shelf and an invisible hand brought down a large piece of cardboard, folded over on itself and covered in grafitti that I 'recognized' as something I had put away when I was a teenager.  It flipped open, revealing a small, sickly black dragon which floated over to me, held in my arms. 
I wondered what I should DO with this dragon...but instantly it changed and became healthy, luminous.  It floated in midair, us looking at each other and feeling mutual positive regard.  I was smiling and feeling relieved.

Throughout the day today, I've felt the presence of this dragon, wrapped around me.  It feels best to be present with it, rather than dialogue with it or try to understand it or figure it out.

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Dream Interpretation / Merging?

« on: September 27, 2015, 09:52:12 PM »

Last night I dreamed I was in a house where there was a Yeti wandering about, a dark and ominous presence.
There were others with me, and I got into a very large vehicle, the size of a fire truck, to go find it and run it down.  I was surprised they trusted me, and how capable and competent and able to operate this vehicle.  I drove toward it, and it became triplet babies, and then a figure made of sand that dissolved and blew away.

In the next part of the dream, the ominous, dark, unseen presence returned and this time, for some reason, I ran screaming GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT WE NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE NOW! to everyone in the house.  I felt panicked and urgent, and when we all got in the car together safe and sound, I woke up.

So...in waking life - today, I am at the store and I hear a man SNAP and go off on his young daughter.  I hear him grabbing her and without even thinking I am drawn to them like a moth to a flame and I just stand there.  He has her by her arms and is shaking her and I stand there looking him in the face until he notices me.  I tell him, you are coming across as being very cruel.  She is very small.  She is very vulnerable.  It feels distressing to hear and see this.
The little girl says, "It's ok" and I'm like...no, this isn't ok.  I tell the father again, you are her father and I respect that AND she is very small.  She is very young. 
He apologized that I had to see that (grrr....) and the energy dissipated and he walked away
and I bring this up because...the feelings, the FEELINGS were exactly the same as the first part of my dream last night.

Part of me wants to worry about whether he is going to take things out even worse on her when they get home, part of me wonders why I didn't go ignore it or go in the other direction, part of me wonders if I made a positive difference by standing up and saying something, part of me wonders if I got worked up over nothing and part of me wants to not analyze it too much and just shift focus and finish my homework

This has been a whole week of standing up to scary feelings - getting into an argument with my son and not being "nice" or pretending things were ok when they were not (I've been scared to be in conflict with him because I worried he would not let me see my grandson); getting cheeky with my roomie over something small and letting him know I felt angry (when usually I'm just kind of compliant and agreeable); my instructor walked out on our class this week and I hunted him down and told him (essentially) I PAY FOR THIS CLASS AND THIS IS NOT OK FOR  YOU TO JUST WALK OUT WHEN IT'S YOUR OWN FAULT YOU HAVEN'T COME UP WITH A CURRICULUM (he actually came back and apologized for being an asshole - his words - and sent an apology email to the whole class!).

I kind of want to know what it all MEANS .  Maybe I'm just maturing as a woman.  I've let myself be vulnerable and had a ton of "deer in the headlights" moments recently where I just let myself feel naked and exposed (showing my ignorance...literally on stage under the bright theater lights, ha) so perhaps that's giving me courage.  I don't know.  I wonder what you think?

4

General Discussion / Wow

« on: January 15, 2015, 12:03:19 AM »

I've been reviewing the dreams I've posted and your responses over the past couple of years, and it strikes me how spot-on the I Ching you threw for me was, how my understanding of it has deepened, and just how incredibly much I picked at and couldn't leave myself alone!
I see in how I worked with my dreams, how I couldn't accept my painful feelings, always picking, always fussing, always asking, couldn't this be different?  Easier?  Gentler?  and seeing clearly now, that ...no, not really, some experiences are simply painful and difficult and nothing to be done about it but sink into them and feel them.
I've listened to countless guided meditations, CD's, videos all visioning stuff and pushing and more and more I feel the deep inner call to stop trying to control every damned thing and just breathe, be still.  Trust.

More and more often, I practice simply being with my dreams and the characters, rather than any dialogue or endless questioning, picking, prodding....controlling, grasping, processing, trying to understand, lol.

I recently started online dating and even had some fun with a dream.  I didn't try to understand it, analyze it, anything...I shared it with a complete stranger online and asked, "what do you think?" and...you could have knocked me over with a feather when he got it, got the meaning of the dream and responded playfully.  He's the sweetest, kindest, easiest to be with prospect so far, even :

All this to say...as always and again, Tony, thank you for your work.  It means so much to me and has made a difference in my life.  I appreciate you, your site, your forum, and how freely you share information, your experiences, and your wisdom.

Warmest wishes,
Rain

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Healing Dreams / Neck pain resolved

« on: December 30, 2013, 03:16:07 PM »

I had been feeling uncomfortable neck stiffness and pain for a few days.

A few nights ago, I dreamed I was with my sister, in a room.  There were many many electrical plugs all plugged into 2 outlets.   I thought, that's way to much to be plugged into those little outlets, there's no surge protector, I feel concerned they might overload those two little outlets.

I woke up pondering this dream, and it came to me that this was about the circuits of my brain being overloaded.
So I did some research on a new supplement I had been taking - which lead me to a blurb about a whole different supplement I had been taking for a long time (Huperzine-A).  Turns out it is a sort of chemical "sister" to the 1st supplement, and the two of them together were producing too much cholinergenic activity in my brain, which was causing the neck pain and stiffness.

I stopped taking H that night and woke up the next morning feeling much relieved, no neck pain or stiffness.  I wouldn't have guessed that H was the cause of the pain but my dream showed me the way 

6

Dream Interpretation / Recurring painful dream

« on: November 21, 2013, 04:15:26 PM »

I don't know what to make of this recurring dream theme -
the gist is, a male (varying ages/race/body types) stands behind me and is grabbing my body just under my armpits, digging his fingers into my flesh and it feels excruciatingly painful, and paralyzing almost like an electric shock.

Last night, in my dream I was feeling diseased.  I turned my thoughts toward, "God is the love in which I am healed."
Instantly I felt healed and relaxed and as if I were gently and softly falling backk onto a soft bed, blissed.  
Then I felt those hands grab me and lift me as if to fly me upwards.

For a split second I relaxed into it, enjoying the upward flight, but then the hands dug deeply into the flesh.

I grabbed the right hand and pried his fingers off of me and turned and commanded him in the name of Jesus to GET OFF ME.  
I have NO idea why I revert to calling Jesus, it's very weird to me...and it usually doesn't work anyway, I usually end up feeling helpless and impotent.

Surprisingly, though, this time it worked and I felt strong and in command.  I also felt PISSED.  I got him off my back, and put him in front of me and he sort of fell over on his side while I did something that felt like shooting laser beams or something at him, I felt so angry and I wanted to send him a message to STAY AWAY from me.

Then I woke up.

I feel like maybe this is a sadistic part of me…but I don’t know what to do about that.
I don’t want it grabbing me and hurting me!  It feels confusing that I feel relaxed and free at first, and I love to fly and I would LOVE to feel  surrendered to a male, lifting me up and flying but I don’t want him to hurt me like that when he does it.  It definitely is touching something because I feel tears rising and my throat choking as I type this.  I feel frustrated and not sure how to relate to this dream, what do you think?

7

Dream Interpretation / The Things we Forgive

« on: May 04, 2013, 12:25:45 AM »

I was both observing and part of this dream.
First, observing - I was given a sort of 'telepathic' explanation of the backstory of two very different people, one a young black woman, the other a young blonde white boy.  Both had been deeply impacted by the actions of an evil scientist sort of black man, who had destroyed both their families, causing profound pain.  They were both in his laboratory.

He cut off their heads but was able to keep them alive somehow.  He put the severed heads, in a small lighted chamber.  In some way, I was in there with them, but also outside.  I wondered how they would managed to not go insane, being placed in this chamber, with no bodies.  I wondered if they could feel pain.  I felt intensely claustrophobic, yet I coached myself to be still and allow the feeling and not fight it. 

I watched the woman's head nestle against the boy's.  The boy began to complain that he was feeling pain, that his throat was very sore.

The woman offered to breastfeed him and somehow they now had bodies.  She was wearing a strapless silver dress, one strap pulled down and a lovely breast exposed to feed him as he nursed.

The scene shifted again, the black woman and I were squatting together outside the chamber, which was now open. 
There were two open containers inside, with mushy flesh in each one.  I understood that there was a device made to dissolve each head "in time" and it had done it's job.

We each picked up a container, the woman led me to a beautiful garden.
I looked down, and there were tiny fairies on either side of my foot where I stepped.  I greeted them, "Hello, fairies!" and felt delighted to see them, noticing there were more along the path leading to a pond.

The woman waded into the pond, I followed, realizing we were to dump the contents of the containers in the pond. 
I worried a bit whether we might be contaminating the water, but I trusted her.
She waded further out, into a patch of lilypads, while I stayed where there were none.  I dumped the contents of the container into the water, playing with the fish who swam up to eat whatever it was (dissolved severed head?), little fairies skimmed across the water....this imagery was VERY vivid, more real than reality.

The scene shifted and I am following the woman again, up a ladder into a loft that is an open kitchen. 
She moves to the left, and I see the evil scientist person, in evil clown makeup, lying on the floor on his side, looking at something.

I feel moved to take a closer look, I need to see this person up close. 
He turns over, looks at me, and his makeup has dissolved into foamy bubbles, like bath bubbles.
It then dissolves away, he turns and is gazing lovingly at a small black baby girl, wearing tiny gold earrings who is smiling and cooing at him.

As I observe this change, it's as if the woman is narrating to me, there is poignant movie music playing, the phrase I remember hearing is, "the things we forgive".  I took the message to mean something like, as we forgive the past, the horrors that have been done to us, things will change and we will experience love again.

8

Dream Interpretation / Chasing

« on: April 13, 2013, 06:29:13 PM »

I am in a large building.  I hear a man I have strong feelings for calling for me, he is singing and calling for me and calling me by my first name, Beloved, (I usually go by my middle name).
I am running up a flight of blue stairs, into a dead end corridor, I turn around immediately and head for another flight of stairs, this time going down, seeing a new way I hadn't seen before.  I feel appreciation for the sturdiness of the blue wooden handrails.
I arrive in an open room, where C is.
It is a showroom, wide and expansive.
I see an antique car, like something from the 20's, with no top.  C is in it, facing away from me.  The car is cordoned off with a velvet rope, open at one side, there are 3 other women in the car, about to have sex with him.
I run away, into another area, where there are 2 guys sleeping.
The scene shifts and one of the guys wakes up and tells me C already left for another city.
I feel horrible, as I realize he didn't come to see ME, it was just convenient for him on his way through.

~~~
So, at first I went back into the dream to see better what was going on.  I imagined different scenarios, where he followed me down and I told him how I felt and he comforted me, or just left.

What I am noticing is, that I wouldn't allow myself to hear the whole conversation when he started to say something I didn't want to be true.

I wondered whether, this is the reality of the situation with him?  Is this a message that I am only a passing convenience to him?  Or is that my fear? 

In typing this up, I realize I didn't explore the option of just getting in the car with him, or calling him over to me - I mean, he was singing to me and calling me - I saw him with other women and made some assumptions.

In my ideal scenario, he would be coming to me.  In waking life, he calls me a magnet and talks about how he feels magnetized to me, so why am I dreaming about answering his song?  I am believing that is somehow wrong, or off...I am the woman, he should be answering my song or something. 

I'm at a point in my life where I am seeing how I cut myself off from what I want most by making up stories about men and their motives, so I would love some help with this.  I noticed that when I feel insecure is when thoughts of 'cutting people off' and stories of how they don't really care about me or they are just that way or whatever come up, instead of just asking for what I want and need.  I can see how I felt insecure, seeing him in a car, with other women, I felt insecure and ran off.

Okay, that opens up other possibilities in my mind...
I'd still so very much love to hear what you say, this is a topic that is very important to me - love and relationships with men...

9

Dream Interpretation / Related dreams involving intense rib/breast discomfort

« on: March 11, 2013, 07:17:53 PM »

Two nights ago I dreamed I was facing a tiny young woman who was being held protectively, although she was struggling a bit, by a man, lounging on a sofa.

Her name is Mercedes (the avatar of an acquaintance I admire) and I told her, "Mercedes, look!  You can't hurt me!  Look!  You can't hurt me!  Look how much control you have over me!" as I felt something like electric buzzing on the outer sides of my breasts, as if a TENS unit had been hooked to them.  It felt like paralysis, too?
It seemed to me as if she were somehow controlling my movements.

I insisted to her, "I AM love!" at which point, I woke up (false awakening! - although it seemed more like zooming out of a scene) lying on a sprawling bed, with my new smartphone on my chest, listening to a decree being sung called "We are In Love".  I recognized the tune (although this artist has never released this particular decree/music to my knowledge), smiled, reached above my head to find a pair of dark, big goggles resting on the headboard (I believe this was happening simultaneously in an 'overlay' dream). 

I realized they were not mine, I felt relieved and put them away
While at the same time, in the 'other dream', I smiled at the lyrics "We are in love" and
awakened to this reality, feeling pleased.


I notice this dream seems to reveal conflicting thoughts or beliefs - I am love, you cannot hurt me, and yet at the same time you have control over me that feels horribly uncomfortable and buzzing on the sides of my breasts.  Perhaps simply a window to reveal the conflict for resolution? 


Second dream - last night I awakened in the middle of the night and couldn't sleep so I expected a lucid dream after falling asleep finally about 3:30am.

Not to be disappointed, I became lucid and the part of the dream that feels related to the other dream is this:
As I became lucid, I began to rise, floating.  I felt a strong male body supporting me and lifting me and it felt very light and easy and good.

Gratefully I was saying, "Thank you thank you yes, thank you!"
But when I said, "Thank you, Jesus!" the male dropped back down to the ground, bringing me with him.  He seemed angry and/or disapproving.

I said, "It feels bad to feel (let down?) (I don't remember the exact phrase, my notes are at home).

I only saw a shadow of his lower body, then I felt fingertips digging painfully into the sides of my breasts from behind (along the ribcage).  I pried the fingers off a couple of times, then managed to disentangle myself.

I turned to see an emaciated young black boy, wearing jeans and no shirt, looking at me.
I told him, "I want you to stop hurting me."
When he didn't respond the way I liked, I took both of his hands with one of my hands and held them firmly behind his back, to show him I am not kidding, knelt down and in his face said,
"I want you to stop hurting me."


The dream shifted after that to other interesting scenes but I noticed the intense and uncomfortable feelings in the same place in the 2 dreams which caught my attention.

I will dialogue with the boy and learn more about him.  I've met with a character like him not too long ago through dream theater, who desperately wants my attention but is being bratty about it and going for negative attention - the kind of kid who really really really is dying to be held but won't accept a tender hug, will instead jump on the furniture and break toys and make big scenes.


It's so weird that my waking life seems so..peaceful (boring!) and going nowhere, but my dreams reflect to me that perhaps a lot is actually happening under the surface.

10

Dream Interpretation / I love you, I'm sorry, thank you

« on: January 15, 2013, 10:22:57 AM »

I was a young black woman, in a room hiding behind a room divider.
I watched in horror as my uncle murdered my brother with a knife and laid the knife on a counter.
I burst out from behind the divider and fell to my knees, arms wide, feeling as if my heart had been pierced, wailing, "I love you, I'm sorry, thank you."
The passion and surge of gratitude and love I felt overcame my fear of what might happen, momentarily.  My uncle approached me and I went unconscious for a moment to awaken to him grabbing me and for a split second it seemed as if he was approaching me with love and I felt a breath of relief, only to realize with horror that he had grabbed my head and forced his penis into my mouth and was raping my mouth and urinating in it.  I grabbed his testicles (which felt like small boy testes) and tried to twist them to get him to stop, but I felt weak, powerless, ineffective and it didn't faze him in the least.
The force of the feeling all down my left side of my face and throat woke me up.

11

General Discussion / Judgments

« on: June 10, 2012, 05:25:24 AM »

Tony, I remember reading something you wrote that I can't find right now and want to hear more about.
What I remember, is you coming to the realization that it wasn't trauma in your body or this or that or the other that kept you from being able to love, it was your judgments.

That has stuck with me, and tonight especially while caught in a heated family exchange where I seemingly lost all ability to stay present and communicate using 'feeling' language.  I watched family members play out an ongoing argument that seems so very well rehearsed (and apparently is something that they do every single night), and it was so far out of my usual experience that when I wasn't adding fuel to the fire by trying to be reasonable and rational, all I could do was check in with my body, and sit there, slack-jawed, thinking, "This is insanity.  Insanity.  Insanity. Insanity."
I thought of what you wrote, and wondered if I was paralyzed by my judgment of how insane the whole situation was and tried to find what you wrote and glean any insight if possible about how to change the judgments.

12

General Discussion / Gentle, soothing, meditative - a baby's first bath

« on: May 06, 2012, 09:02:28 AM »

Tony, I thought you would appreciate this:
An exquisitely gentle and soothing 1st bath for a newborn

13

Dream Interpretation / A birth dream after a LifeStream session

« on: April 12, 2012, 02:50:29 PM »

Last night I did  LifeStream session (at least my interpretation of what it is).

First, I did the arm circles, moved and stretched, yawned, then laid down and after running through a mental list of “what to fix?” I asked my body what it needs to express/release most in that moment.
Immediately, my pelvis began rocking, my head shaking back and forth as if to say, “NO!”.  I was surprised at how quickly my body took over and how easy it was.

For nearly an hour, I laid on the floor while my pelvis rocked and bumped in different ways, my chest popping and rising.  I asked what would help my breathing be more easy and free, and long, humming tones erupted from my body, I was making sounds I had never heard myself make before.  I was slightly startled to feel some of the vibration resonating in my pelvis.  I made gurgling sounds, and more and more long, humming, tones.  Several times all of the breath squeezed out of my lungs which was really uncomfortable, but I trusted it and eventually the breath would always suck back in on it’s own.

At some point, I felt as if a baby were birthing between my legs, seeming stuck there for all eternity.  I sobbed, thinking of the death of my infant son, begging Life, “Can this be over?  Can this please be over now?  (tears come to my eyes as I type this).  Can this be over now?” again and again, dozens of times.  I felt the deep sorrow and pain once again of that experience and the aftermath.  Then, still crying, I began repeating, “Precious, precious, precious, precious, precious, my baby my baby my baby.”

At some point, the pain was intense and just so familiar, in despair I cried out, “Do I really have to live through this one more time to release this?  Can it be gentle?  Can it be gentle?” Again and again, I cried out, “Can it be gentle instead? What other possibilities are there?” Through the tears, laughter bubbled up, and after a time of tears and laughter, I felt the session was complete.  I felt very tired and beat up.

After which I dreamed:
I am lying in bed, I am pregnant and I know the baby is coming.  I am not in pain, I simply know it’s time and I call out to my sister, “The baby’s coming!  Get here now!  She’s coming!”  Even while I’m saying this, the baby is born.  I am in a bed, under blankets, and I reach down for the baby I know is a girl.  There has been no pain with the delivery.

I put her to my breast, and she puts her lips to me to nurse, but then my sister lifts her out of my hold and puts the baby to HER breast.  I feel sad, conflicted, yet somehow it seems to make weird sense….for some reason now, the baby is to go to my niece, who is on her way (in waking life she is pregnant), and my sister is nursing the baby because her milk is more like my niece’s milk.  I am not sure how I feel about it, perhaps deep down I go along with it and pass the baby along because I think it’s best and that they are going to be better for the baby than me (tearing up as I write this so touching something yes).  I feel sorrow, I really want to nurse the baby (reflecting a sense of loss in waking life that I didn’t nurse my children – 1st one I didn’t know anything about anything about mothering, and 2nd one passed just after birth, I had nothing to dry up my milk and it was extremely physically and emotionally painful to be so full of milk with no baby to feed.)

It’s so intensely emotional to even type all of this out…it has been over 23 years since my son passed and I wonder if it’s even possible to just not have it hurt anymore.

14

Dream Interpretation / There's a dead person in there

« on: April 03, 2012, 07:45:09 PM »

Hiya Tony,

I'd appreciate your perspective on last night's dream.
I've planted the seed for opening a coffee shop/art gallery called, "Dream Matrix Cafe", and last night I asked for a dream to show me more of what the creation wants to be through me.  The dream I had was totally unexpected, I haven't taken time to sit with it yet but I will tonight.

I see a face in front of me, facing up.  I only see the face, it is seemingly not connected to a body.  I also see, at the mouth, one of those squeeze-bulb oxygen mask things that emergency technicians use, and a hand squeezing the bulb to pump oxygen in through the mouth.
I see another hand, slicing the face from the upper left temple, down under the nose, and back up to the opposite temple, and it pulls the flap back to expose what's underneath, effectively pulling the face back to expose what's underneath.
It's a pretty gruesome sight, and I cringe, I feel some distress that they aren't using anesthetic for this.
I feel a moment of relief when the hand replaces the flap of skin, but feel distress again when it is pulled back yet again, and now my vision zooms in on the exposed tissue, and I can see a drill now drilling into the exposed flesh.
Again I feel distress that no anesthetic is being used, and the tissue underneath isn't like what I'd expect, it's not like bone and muscles, it's spongey and porous and like fat.

I hear screaming voice, "There's a dead person in there!"
Now...what I also notice upon reflection, I felt the voice move through me as if I were saying it, but in the dream it seemed like someone else's voice.  Also, the closeness and angle of the drill lead me to believe it was possibly "me" doing the drilling, and observing from a dissociated viewpoint because of the horror or gruesomeness of the action.

I see an image of my niece, hear her name, and something about a vaccination.

Next I see an image of a well-formed, yet very premature baby girl who is being dumped into a bowl, as if a late-term abortion.

Then something about giving someone a book about President Obama.

The scene shifts, I'm on a beach with a group of people, it is sunset.  The sunset is glorious, with unusual colors, the clouds are an unusually dark purple and seem to be rising toward the sun as it sets.
A blonde gay man shows up, he came to get a man named "Puppy" who was with our group, but Puppy has left and gone ahead with another group.

This sounds as if it perhaps doesn't bode well for my business so I may be on the wrong track with it.
I went back into it, and started asking questions, but quickly became confused.
A: "Who is this face?"
B: "Just some homeless bum off the street.  Nobody really."
A: What are we doing?  Why the drill?
B:  It's to get all of the mother energy out, it has to get out...(which makes me think of the preemie baby, and the thought "Unwanted" which reminds me of a time in the past that I got pregnant on purpose, then had an abortion, at the time I was very unstable and it was if I had two minds that worked against each other more violently and dramatically than recently).
A: So, what do we really want then?  We think we're going to get something out of this business but we actually want something else, what is it?
B: More friends, security, a social life, feeling full and important
A: Does the mother energy really need to go?  Is there some other way to release it?
B: A sledgehammer
A: Ok, that's good, any other ways?  Is there a gentle way?  A miracle way?

And then a puddle of annoyance and confusion, a couple of of my mind's favorite defense mechanisms.

Over the weekend I had some pretty blissful sexual dreams, and in my dreams as well as real life my sexual energy has been way more free than ever.  I've been flirtatious and sexually comfortable with people of all ages, shapes, sizes, letting it all turn me on.  I'm wondering if some perceived danger associated with that is showing up?

I'll meditate more...my mind is so super excellent at obfuscating this stuff I am so grateful for any clarity!

15

Dream Interpretation / On the Titanic!

« on: January 18, 2012, 02:02:23 AM »

Where my dream awareness started was noticing I was sinking, and "knowing" I was on the Titanic, going down.
I didn't actually see the ship to my recollection, just noticing I was quickly (but not forcefully) sucked under water, I tumbled in sort of a somersault, and immediately began swimming upward.

In a flash, I wondered if I should just inhale the water and let myself drown, or hold my breath and try to swim out.  As I was swimming upward, I noticed that I didn't need to breathe, and reached up and grabbed a grate/vent that I pulled on and swam up through, then another.  In just a few moments I was above the water and standing on a solid, stable surface.

After that it was a little fuzzy, something like it was as if I were a male who had a document or token I had gotten from Abraham Lincoln and was using it to pass myself off in order to make a claim on something (money perhaps).   Skip to a fragment of a woman with several small silver cylinders embedded in a board in the outline of the "Chevrolet" symbol, and either she or I are pulling out one or more.


So...
The emotional content of this dream was actually pleasant.  I didn't feel any alarm, and was open and curious about whether I should allow myself to drown.  I felt subtle relief upon waking, as if slight emotional tension had been relieved.

I am concerned with what the latter part of the dream may be reflecting, I don't trust myself to be totally honest with myself, as I am *quite* aware of my slippery egoic defenses and a long history of escapist fantasy addiction  so I wondered what your perspective might be.

Deepest gratitude, as always.
(Btw I have been reading Eye of Dreams and am thoroughly enjoying it and getting a lot out of it, though I will need to read it through at least another time or two!)