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« on: September 08, 2016, 02:58:30 AM »
Christine, thank you for sharing the kundalini link. I've read it over several times. It's so much to digest at once. It really struck me when it began talking about LSD experiences. I actually had one around this same time two years ago. Summarily, it was a perplexing, arduous journey for me. Initially, I was in shock about all that I had experienced, but over the past couple years, it seems that it was preparing me for the huge changes in my life that followed. I find myself using it as a reference point in my life.
I've wanted to truly address what happened but haven't known how to go about it. I am very close with my younger brother and try to talk to him about it as to make sense of it but it never seems to get anywhere I would like it to go. I guess I'm looking for him to be able to relate to the energies I felt but I can't blame him. If you've never had that kind of experience it might just be hard to relate.
Anyways, I just want to tell it as it happened and I figure, what better place than here. Here goes:
So, I decide to drop acid with a long time friend. At first he wanted to take me to a state park to trip. That's actually what we did. The acid was on some sweet tarts. I was supposed to let it dissolve completely but i chewed it up instead, so the effects weren't as great as I expected. I do remember thinking,"Wow, this place is spiritually significant." I felt thoroughly connected to this place. We were in a field, actually, a meadow, a naturally occurring meadow!! As I'm writing this it occurs to me how rare that is in of itself!! It was just a timeless place. I could sense the history with my whole being, even through my very eyes. I was so connected. We were right next to a river. It was a point of convergence for two other tributaries and the land between where they met was elevated. I was downstream on the right bank where erosion from periodic flooding had created the meadowland.
So we headed back to our town (30 minutes away). He was sorta dating a mixed girl. It was her birthday and he was kinda being an ass to her. I couldn't understand why. (I will say he seems rather lost on how to treat someone you care about) We end up going back to his house and she comes over with us and we're like,"hey I didn't really feel that earlier, let's drop some more" He gives me TWO hits right off those square cut outs. He doesn't take any and I almost immediately begin feeling the effects. I can see bugs everywhere. I knew they weren't real but was instantly frightened at how it might progress. I tell him, "Hey, I see bugs" And instead of reassuring and coaching me through the effects, he says,"Naw man, there's nothing there" tauntingly. I get upset because he is telling me that I'm not seeing what I'm seeing. I should also mention that this house belonged to his grandparents who have only recently passed. I was attracted to the girl he was with. I tried to hide it, but it seemed increasingly hard to be discrete as the acid trip progressed. I remember seeing them sitting next to each other. I could sense the melding of her passionate/emotional/warm energy and his callous/logical/cold energy. The contrast was beautiful and it felt ceremonious to me, like I was part of an important ritual. In her I could see other people, people who represented warmheartedness most to me most in my life. In him I also, saw many people. People, I love but who I feel are trapped in that cold, self-loathing, miserable energy but not necessarily who they are.
(Well, actually that is something I struggle with. I don't think I am able to accept that people could truly be as calculating as they actually seem. Also, I may be wrong to think of that energy as negative. Maybe, it's useful too.) At one point her mom showed up. She was raw, overwhelming passion. It was amusing, because I already knew her mother because I frequented the gas station where she worked. It was a surprise to find that out. She revealed her desire for me. It was very flattering, sensual. She soon left after that. Also, there was a very maternal element going on with me that night. I would go into a bedroom by myself to lay down when I was feeling really overwhelmed. Laying down in that dark room only seemed to make it worse. I remember laying on that bed in the fetal position. I felt sick to my stomach and just dreadful, frightened even. Then I progressed through the women in my lineage who have had children. First my sister, then my mother, then my grandmother on my dad's side. I felt their pain, their fear as a result of carrying children and not knowing how they'll manage.
I also remember at one point a sensation where I'm a glowing maggot in a great crowd of well, not just glowing, but brilliant maggots slithering their way about through a vibrating current of electricity. The kind of electricity you experience during orgasm. It was so intense and could be felt swelling in the center of my skull and my throat and pulsing down through my chest, my abdomen and ultimately my genitals, thighs, and feet. I imagine it to be what ecstacy must feel like. The metaphor I came up with to describe what I was feeling was that,"I'm just a cricket who wanted a glass of milk" I still am trying to make sense of that. I wanted her but I knew that at that time it was wrong to express that desire. But I couldn't control that urge. I wanted what I wanted. He ended up sending me away in the middle of the night. I left reluctantly as well as apologetically. But I'm still tripping hard so I decide to just sit in my truck and wait it out a little. I remember looking down at my phone and there was a text from my brother and said,"what's the point?" that's how i felt at that time. Very down and out. I also felt as though this was where the end of a separate reality of mine where I'm gay and drive off a bridge to kill myself. Then somehow I work up the nerve to drive away. As I'm driving, it seems I am being followed and I will ultimately end up on a dead end road. And I also have visions of my father and his cousin in adolescence and then it's as though I am my grandfather driving to the house of my grandmother when they/we were both young and how she is such a beautiful soul and I went there with sexually aggressive intent and felt guilty about it. I know, it sounds wacko but it's what I experienced. Eventually, I end up parking at some random persons house with my truck pointing toward a field. The sky was bright that night, made brighter by being out in the country. There were dogs that greeted me. I was a little scared at first but felt I needed to earn their trust as not to be detected. I stepped out and they were friendly dogs. They sniffed me and seem to be welcoming of my presence. I got back in the truck and they left. I remember sitting in my truck looking out over that field into the sky at the stars and thinking that I was trapped there for eternity, that the sun would never come up. Eventually I came to and made it home and you got all the most juicy parts.
Soon after that night I met the mother of my twin boys. They just turned one last Friday. It's been a very tough time for me, but now that I look back, I think that acid trip helped my subconscious prepare for this phase of my life. She has two kids of her own. A boy, 8, and girl, 3. I took a job in my field of study and it didn't workout so she went back to work and I've been staying home with the kids. It's been quite the learning experience.
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