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Messages - Monica

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Dreamhawk site feedback and suggestions / on living forever (& thanks!)
« on: October 12, 2019, 01:01:18 PM »
Hi dear Tony

It's been a long time but I'm here to thank you once again (I always thanks God for your wise insights that always come to my life in the more precise way and time). I've recently read your post
and I can't tell anything else than thank you for such a loving, profound lesson on humility and the wonders of life (with death as a core where all of it covers a real meaning).
It's been fabulous to read such balanced, clear and enlightening document, and as the mistery of life is alive (call it synchronicity or revelation, it's equal as you also masterfully said, "God and Big-Bang could be the same"), I read your post after having studied this Scriptures:

For thou hast possessed my reins:
thou hast covered me in my mother’s womb.
I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made:
marvellous are thy works;
and that my soul knoweth right well.
My substance was not hid from thee, when I was made in secret,
and curiously wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.
Thine eyes did see my substance, yet being unperfect;
and in thy book all my members were written,
which in continuance were fashioned,
when as yet there was none of them.
How precious also are thy thoughts unto me, O God!
how great is the sum of them!
If I should count them, they are more in number than the sand:
when I awake, I am still with thee. (Psalm 139)

Thanks and Hugs in the Spirit!

General Discussion / on "the virgin soul"
« on: February 08, 2019, 11:07:33 AM »
Hi, dear Tony. Here to say a thanks and greeting this cicle anew.  :)

I began the year with a weird mix of a tranquil yet troubled mind (tranquil when awake and troubled in dreams) and for some reason began to feel very anxious, maybe accumulated tiredness. Some weeks ago, after having early prayed my prayers and maybe because the way I use to forget putting up the big issues and worries, I kept feeling anxious. Things were getting far more chaotic than I can handle and I was about to fall in the old ways of looking for the easy, superficial method to erase anxiety (I used to have an OCD but I can say God blotted it out when I began to confide everything to Him); so, the point is Universe is so connected and He provides such incredible and simple solutions to us, that's the reason I had to tell this: When I was about to engage in drifting through the internet and ending up wallowing in old vices, God  brought to mind all those troubled dreams, I briefly thought "What would Tony say about this?" and as I typed whatever in the navigator He put the post https://dreamhawk.com/dream-encyclopedia/the-christmas-story/ right in front of  my eyes in a moment I just looked for a distraction and reluctantly thought about anything with my blurred mind (yet, that's the importance of having people like you, sharing profound contents in the web and even sharing themselves and not superficial and incoherent entertainment).

On reading this I felt delighted and gratefully recalled a response you posted for a dream I wrote last year, and remembered with awe the magnificent ways of the virgin soul and the archetype so wisely described there. The poem you quoted at the end was like the answer to that question my soul anxiously asked and I found difficult to put in words because, as the Bible says, "26 Likewise the Spirit also helpeth our infirmities: for we know not what we should pray for as we ought: but the Spirit itself maketh intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered. 27 And he that searcheth the hearts knoweth what is the mind of the Spirit, because he maketh intercession for the saints according to the will of God." (Romans 8 ). That poem also reminded me the chant of the virgin Mary, saying "Behold the handmaid of the Lord; be it unto me according to thy word."

I just wanted to say God bless that marvelous Spirit that speaks through your words! a big hug in the Spirit!

Dreamhawk site feedback and suggestions / A big hug
« on: July 24, 2018, 04:14:15 AM »
Just to say hi and thank you so much!

(Clumsy thing to say -I'll say it anyway-:
I keep on dreaming a lot, and I keep
thinking of you any time, filled with
gratitude and awe for all this magic you
provide through the site. Blessings!)


A big hug in the Spirit!


Dear Tony-
In the precious Name of Jesus I thank you!
What a wonderful gift!

(In the spirit I'll try to make the best use of it, I bless again your generosity and this space you share with everyone, Thanks.)


(blushing face) Yes, some people say I'm excesive... That's why I really THANK you, having this site to share so freely, and the gift of your time and all is a  real gift for people like me!

About your bio, I'm impressed and also very interested in various topics, and the one that caught my attention was the book "yield"; I'd like to know how can I get it, is it available in online stores? That was the best part of the "access denied" thing that happened when I tried to post some weeks ago, I stumbled upon this! Amazing! Everytime I find something interesting and stimulating reading into your site.

I've had lots of replenishing dreams surrounding grandma's health difficulties and demise, my family and me. But today I dreamed a conclussion for one that was persistent since some months ago: I'd told about a dream where a table was served as in a feast. Then I dreamed I was offered three types of drinks, champagne, milk and wine, but for some reason I was predisposed and ended up not chosing any. Yesterday after the morning prayer I got asleep and as an "answer" for some troubled thoughts I was given a glass of milk, which I began to drink, then woke up (This after a very calm and lovingly dream with the females of this home and the birds I've told also about, wading birds all white in a river or a flooded field with very clear waters along with us). And today I dreamed of a sort of meeting in an academic environment, not church or social as first, and after some talking with fellow students I was given a glass full of wine, very red; I was about to leave because I had work to do and was there just to talk to them about some project or event we had in common, but finally I received the wine and drank the full glass, thinking with some humor how bad I am on drinking alcohol, but at complete ease. I think is curious the mixing up of this reunions and the very bright and peaceful fragments in natural surroundings of all of these months, when I've dealt mainly with family, church, and the caring and now missing of grandma. I'd like to say lots and lots and lots more but that's more about the "fairy tale" issue so present throughout my life, and I know it's getting excesive now so I'll stop!  :o

Thank you very much for your patience and wisdom, be blessed!


I've reread several of your posts (specially that one of being the thing or person in your dream which is the one I feel could try going further on and on) and took a peek into your biography, and it gets more fascinating every time! Also I've been revisiting the dreams I had written, mine and other people's dreams that were important to me someday in life.

Again this time I was telling the dream of another person, the same boy of the dinosaur dream. He told me just these three or four dreams and to me they made a vivid but also cryptic profile of his deeper self; that is the reason I'm still so interested on reading and getting to the point on them. And again you've presented me with a picture of the person he so stubbornly hid from me all the time; I think, because of the facts I've gathered throughout time, and the impresions that some conversations, therapy and your gentle answers have given to me, that he felt there was an important potential in the relationship, but there were things that he wanted to keep untouched in his life and he wasn't ready to give up (ever). And what keeps ME wondering about the dreams he told to me is that it seems so obvious we both were sharing a great opportunity to grow and getting to the core of some important realizations in life and he was so afraid of it... So afraid as to say "I'm not that one of your dreams" when I tried to tell him that those images reflected how important he was for me, not how much I pretended to know him or want from him.

As you say, there's an evident struggle, and I'd say yeah, for the time we were together I thought we shared that struggle, so it maybe gave him the chills when I showed myself so immersed and devoted on sharing and understanding every little thing having to do with him, his familiar situations, his ideas and creative processes, his shaming secrets, his dreams. When we ended up going to therapy after some really ugly issues he finally took on a defensive attitude and he never moved from there (It was a shame the therapist didn't seem to have a clue about personality disorders and seemed to be siding with him because he decided I was just crazy and trying to scare him to death -don't know if he really thought a disease or pregnancy can be schemed motives to ruin another's life-). And I don't think -as the therapist said trying to reconcile- it was a simple matter of maturity; I know there was a lot more going on in the heart and head of this person, to just run away the way he did after I got an illness clearly caused by our interaction and the overwhelming and seemingly endless consequences coming after that, which spoiled not just our mental health but general wellbeing (and I thought he felt the same, that both of us were suffering). It was all confusing to me because he first acted as a really responsible and trustworthy man, taking care of me and always "there", but as much as the disease began to raise uncomfortable questions and made it almost a compelling thing coming to terms with what was the relationship all about, he began to act distant and tried to make me think I was the one that was pulling away, because I was supposedly accusing him of things that he said didn't existed -including a disease that was confirmed by doctors and medical exams- and eventually of trying to make him responsible for my problems and a relationship he didn't fostered for real.

I remember he had admitted he had been stalking me before everything started, but I didn't feel frightened at all; I was faithful to the thing that made me feel I could trust him in the first place, a deep feeling of sharing with a sensitive and open person. Now I could just say he was playing with me, but the mind games were just one facet of a very intricate plot of situations, confusions, not dealt with frustrations on his part -all of them "my fault" when he had to speak up, a thing that he "spared me" from getting most of the time, because after the first explosion of affection and interest after shortly he began to act as a very impassive, awfully insensitive person. So the thing became an absurd game about myself "and my fantasies", apparently all me and myself obsessed with this phantom character he nevertheless also played earnestly causing me to appear as a helpless and hideous neurotic. So coming back to the dream I describe, the root of this game he had been encouraging with his actions I feel is portrayed on those female characters he describes as "faceless- ever unknown -having no connection with". I ask myself about that because the girl in the dream shares all the adventure with him, but as time passes they grow relentlessly apart. He says at first he 'understands' they have a relationship, they are together but he doesn't recognize her and as the trip reaches its end he -even kissing her goodbye- doesn't have any feelings about her (though he doesn't make anything about it, he just lets the nurses take care of it, finally getting her away from him). I feel this was shockingly similar to what he did in real life. And yes, as you point out about the killing of the fish, -¿Why if he's face to face with the power of Life he just slaughters it, with no thankfulness, no feelings of awe?-  (Why, if SHE was watching him?)

I should admit it's yet disturbing to me, not because I feel afraid as he said he did, not even confused any more, but because I don't get how someone can be so apart from himself, from his own feelings and desires. Also for a long time I thought the fish depicted in his dream was me, I felt so terribly wounded by the things he did that it was an image that fitted perfectly with the situation. About the illness, I praise God after a long period of uncertainty I must say I -miraculously- overcame that, I WAS healed; but there is medical proof that I had acquired a disease from him; that's why I say it was a miracle, because it happened, but it's no longer there. I need to say the ugly thing for me wasn't the health stuff, which can happen to anyone and is a shared responsibility; the really awful thing was the way he dealed with it; first, trying the smokescreen -a proof he knew he was guilty of something we wouldn't admit-, and when I confronted him (not even doubting, but trying to get some honesty from him) saying openly he didn't want the relationship anymore, because it hadn't been HIS desire from the start, so he had the right to discard me like trash (it was the only reason he ever gave). It kept haunting and hurtful for a long time, but again thanks God, it didn't ruin my self love and my trust. Of course I felt I hated him for long, but I worked really hard to bring peace to this, and after a long "detox" period (full of hard and ugly feelings and not very sane stuff, I won't ever deny) I felt the only thing I needed was compassion, loving understanding about him, about everyone in this world. Sometimes the memories bring about sadness, but I think it's o.k., I won't force any thing in my life to be the way I think it must be. I do believe in the power of Love that brings the best for all who are ready to yield!

"You brought that fish out of the water, and without thanks, or feelings of wonder you cut it in pieces – I don’t know why – for it was Life and it watched you." Yes, I ask myself the same. It's so the way he showed himself after our "outbreak". I think this dream is interesting because it's accurate on describing something like the dislocated feeling that results from not being able to embrace and accept the natural forces' power, the vision of the whole that abridges all of what can be desired and attained through Life, and for that reason looks overwhelming, menacing, huge. (The not-whole male, female issues...) Why such disharmony in his quest? (even though the opportunity to grow never died?) He didn't seem to ever notice what you say, that "naked truth" that is beautiful and wondrous, so we can fall on our knees and humble ourselves to take a glimpse at. I think that's the real wonder of any relationship, any image, any thing we share... knowing one day we'll see the face of Love on it...Yeah, I'm also so sorry that we forget so often!

hi there!
There's a certain phrase that for some time reached the weight of a sentence in my life, when this boy told me -he thought I was misjudging and making assumptions about him because of some confidences he told to me- a very loaded and prejudiced: "I'm not that one of your dreams!" (I had also confided him my thoughts and dreams about "us"); and curiously he repeated this at least a couple of times again, when he felt accused. As Tony points out on many posts and answers, of course it's almost obvious when we talk about a dream we aren't assuming -or at least we don't do it on purpose- that we can somewhat foretell what a person would do, even worse their hidden agendas. But for some reason this person began to feel kind of menaced with the possibility of being exposed by the things revealed when we talked about our dreams, even though I wasn't by any means attempting to predict neither his behaviour nor the future, which was absurd and unreasonable he could be dubious about (it was far easier for me to go and ask in real life to the people who knew him and I could have guessed a lot more; that was the strange thing about the paranoia he displayed). It reached the point of serious confrontations and he finally went away when things became monstruous in reality (things he couldn't explain but made evident he was hiding injurious stuff), saying he was scared (of things he had done first, using them at the beginning of the relationship to approach me and to get my confidence). So I'm persisting on referring to this because I've been trying to find peace about the issue, and some days ago you interpreted a dream in a way that showed me that maybe there was a reason for this boy to feel uneasy after all, because of course not mine, but his own dreams had been telling a lot about what was him all about. I mean, now I know a dream can clearly say a lot about a person, and he didn't take them so seriously until it came the day he saw maybe he had told "too much". And it nevertheless should be unvelied if there's something to taking notice of. So here's a second and final dream he told and I'm extremely interested on it because it seems to have revealed long before things happened, the way he was dealing with some issues he never wanted to talk about when he left. If you could please give me a hand with this, It'd be awesome!

"Fishing (GREEN)
September 15

It involved a beach, a harbor, maybe it was one of those cities crossed by a river, like Manhattan, maybe. It's like a competition under the Brooklyn bridge, a race without a cause. There are two boats in the water trying to catch a huge fish. Two strong sailors, conventional, the Popeye type of heavy hand are in one of the boats. In the other it was me with a faceless female companion, that kept unknown the whole time; everything pointed out that I had a relationship with her, or that was what I understood. The contest started. The fish was so strong that tugged both of the boats, it was a real Hercules, the Jack LaLanne of fishes. Nature imposed itself; the fish had gripped the two baits and was carrying us at its mercy, it was almost nothing what anyone could do facing the colossal animal.
The girl tried to harpooning it while the men in the other boat tried to shoot it, but any attempt was in vain, nothing and no one could resist it. When all of us had given up and the only thing left was to waiting for the worse to come, the incredible speed with which the fish had driven us until then began to gradually diminishing. The fish was getting slowly exhausted and eventually it seemet not having any direction at all. We, also tired, let ourselves be drifted away with no resistance by the fish'es weird behaviour. We didn't know what had happened but the beast ended up crashing against a dock. Everyone got off the boats, to picking up the fish, we all wanted to know what kind of animal had defeated all of our efforts. I myself brought it out the water and we were all surprised by seeing it wasn't as monstrous as we had thought. It was an ordinary fish, a tuna, it was big yes, but not huge as it seemed. All of us were somewhat disappointed, some way we wanted to think it could possibly be a fish the size of a whale or so. I had already gotten back into my boat and everyone was getting ready to depart from there, to try their luck some other place, with no remorses, when one of them noticed that the animal still moved its eyes, only the eyes. It looked scared and about to die, or maybe just confused and bewildered by the blow. All of them watched at it with disdain, with no emotion at all, without feeling a bit moved by those eyes looking around trying to find some answer to its cruel situation. I left the boat and cut its tail with a big knife. Not showing any sign of pain, without a feeling of being attacked on it, I kept  slaughtering the fish, drunk with a sudden delirium, by the bliss of seeing that body being divided into big slices. The fish didn't seem conscious of what was going on, its eyes weren't altered facing the butchery, they just stared above, to that greyish sky, dirty blue as of a laundry room, no sun, just clouds, only smooth clouds surrounding us to the horizon. That was the colour of anything, our clothes, the boats, our faces, the water, the city, the harbor. The only thing that seemed to have a life there were those startled eyes, those eyes that were slowly extinguishing. In the end the reason for such ravage was sharing, so no one said a thing while I did it, all of them seemed to be at one with the necessary act of violence I was commiting. The slices were distributed, the head was thrown into the water, with its yet unquiet eyes, we shook hands, and the day went on, nearing its end. The girl and I entered a door across the harbor where we striked. It was a sort of infirmary, a rare hospital ward with no patients, not any waiting. Two nurses attended us inmediately: she was taken to a common surgery, nothing to remark, and it was then when I saw her for the last time, that woman with whom I had no connection at all. I kissed her goodbye, the door closed after her and I went walking escorted by the other nurse to another surgery. The place had the appearance of a minimalist maze, with vast corridors which seemed not having an end and pale greenish walls that didn't reach a ceiling to their height, everything got lost up there in an odd dimness. After a long walk through an aisle with a huge picture window which allowed the grey light of day in, we arrived to a closed room, lit by a yellow bulb that permeated the room with an even more unpleasant green. The nurse asked me the routine questions and some others in relation to a trip; apparently we were undergoing some health control tests so they could be sure we wouldn't travel with some rare disease. In a moment all seemed to be darkening, the light bulb dimmed its energy in a to-ing and fro-ing of electricity, and the nurse asked me to get up and to standing in front of the stretcher. Yes, a prostate examination, painless, impersonal as it may be. The nurse concluded it and I went out from there, with no sensation of humanity at all, neither the feeling of a breaching, not any suggestion of corporality. I went back by the picture window's aisle and everything was tainted by that green. Outside there was a beacon which beamed a white light amid a night still not fully dark; a dusk seeped of a green light. Green only. Everything green.
the  windEste
Opening (eatingmyfingers)
September 25

This is the video, one of my late childhood memories; now, in recalling this, I remember it was such the horror that game made me feel that the only thing that could soothe my phobia was praying until I fell asleep. And the more my brother played that game the more I prayed. Oddly enough, even though I had a fatal panic everytime he came and turned the game on, at the same time I wanted to see, I eagerly wished to be frightened. Ha! some time after that it followed the women clippings. How crazy. Now I see it somewhat ridiculous, that japanese terror that turns out to be a bit naive, but nevertheless carries me away to a lot of moments from the past... Now I understand why in my dreams characters look so digital. Sometimes so false that they are disconcerting. And it comes to mind the yesterday's dream, this time in that short form of a nightmare: I was eating my fingers, cutting them with my teeth and furiously tearing them off from my hands, barely to the distal phalanx, with the insane hope of having them grown again, renewed. In a moment the dream came into conflict with reality, as if it was getting very close to an experiential notion that caused me to believe the thing taking place in that world was transferring from that dimension into this. I checked my fingers out carefully when I woke up and I kept repeating to myself: NO, fingers can't grow back.

Yes, this dream I had last night. And mother has just told me the one she had: she said that my brother arrived and touched her back and she, somewhat frightened, and also annoyed, said to him: Hey, don't scare me Lin, you are dead. We laughed about it, I don't know why, because it was a dream I suppose, nothing else. And she pointed out to this picture I have in my room, and said that was the way he touched her, as in this image:"


Healing Dreams / the promised miracle
« on: March 28, 2018, 02:02:38 AM »
I and other family members have been dreaming for long of a sort of miraculous unfolding about the life of dear grandma; of course we had all thought the "usual" promise we relate to miracles, the one that gets the sick off their beds and back to life sort of thing; but now I think I know what's the most astounding miracle we could ever witness. For a month grandma went through complications on her health condition. I've been taking care of her along with mom since I came back home, because she's suffered from Alzheimer for more than a decade. Now I know it's been a hidden blessing, to go through all those hard times, to learn patience, loving compassion, to heal. The morning of March 21st one of my sisters found her unconscious, we ran to the hospital and they said her lungs, heart and kidneys were getting worse because of an infection. Standing there by grandma's side, in front of that bed, prayind and waiting, I got asleep and dreamed of an upside-down, blue little chair; it was on the right side, bending over the pillow, near her head. I awoke immediatly. It was 4Pm.

This sunday I went to the hospital to watch for her in the morning, hoping the next day we could take her home again (doctors had said it was very little what they could do but ending the treatment for the infection). She looked finally peaceful, quiet and warm. I came beside her to make a prayer, then I noticed that, after all this time, I'd finally get the point (Tony helped me out a lot with this on his answer in a previous post). In our family we suffered because her condition was really difficult to deal with, so we had the idea she was suffering as much as we perceived the illness just as a disabling condition. But now I think we finally realized and learned the other side of the situation: As much as we perceived her health condition as a problem, we couldn't fully receive what she had been giving us all of this time, as a real gift to our lives: She was showing us the real face of love and caring, the importance of not just taking care of things, persons and situations, but to grasp the real meaning of it all by bringing compassion and awareness to all of our daily experiences, to our relationships.

So, Jesus be blessed, I began giving praise and thanks to Him, for giving us this opportunity in our lives, and also giving her a big "thank you, beloved grandma", because it was not me, it was you who took care of me for all this time... With her loving gestures and songs, her words, her company while I was along with her in the short but nevertheless everlasting moments when grooming and cleaning her, feeding her, helping her to walk from one room to the other, or just sitting there. She was the laughter and the sharing and also the focus of watchful attention for us all, as a little and playful child. I just don't know, and beg the Spirit of God to help me out with this, how to get her to know I do really thank her a thousand and one times for all the things she taught to me, the precious gift she was. I'll miss a lot her blessings every night, and the constant whining or greetings every hour of the day. I'm happy I said those thanks even though she was asleep, short before 10:01am, when I saw her heaving a last sigh... then I saw her chest went still, and the air stopped in her nose and mouth. It's a vision I cannot describe, really. Exactly as a dream, it's blurred as I try to say in words. I ran to ask a doctor what was that, I couldn't believe it. But yes, she had passed away, sleeping as the little child I tucked into bed every night, in an endless chatter with herself, me, God... I know she's now getting back all of those wonderful memories she seemed having lost one day, and those she helped us out to build so we could reunite someday ih heaven!
The only thing that's so hard to understand is why I feel as I lost her, if she's now everywhere, in all we do, in every place she used to be... I don't know what to do tomorrow, because she filled my days, even though I know now she's the pure love I learned being with her... Why I keep on thinking I could've done a lot more for her, if I know she was grateful and happy with what we did... I just think I'd still like to say thank you and kiss her a lot because the times I did weren't enough. Why is this missing so hard? I know now she's in the most wonderful place, but I'd like to hear her singing again... The only thing I can do is love the way she taught me to, the love we usually don't look for, a real, selfless love -which in fact is a love that makes everything complete-. Grandma fulfilled a great mission in life!

Dear God bless all of these wonderful women!
( Thanks and Blessings Tony!)

Dream Interpretation / Re: dinosaur (someone else's dream)
« on: March 20, 2018, 07:42:25 PM »
Gosh Tony!

Stunning  ::) It's so precise as having a picture of what seemed to happen in his head. Thanks a lot!

...Could it explain he ended up hating me, as if I had frustrated a very secret longing he had...?

(I really felt sorry for my ignorance and his confusions, wish I'd known this site back then :)

Dream Interpretation / Re: dinosaur (someone else's dream)
« on: March 20, 2018, 01:11:00 AM »
(The name "dinosaur" was put by the person who dreamed this). The post about nightmares was great! It responds precisely about the dream I wrote, in fact now I remember the way I named it in my notes was "a beautiful nightmare"... yours are always outstanding. I have to say this dream I wanted to understand and well, it's not my dream but someone else's, that's why I've kept guessing... the fascinating thing about this one to me is the way it impacted my life through this person. I mean, this boy and I were just getting to know each other, mainly writing to each other (we lived in different towns and had just met at university that year) when he told this dream to me. For me it was a wonderful dream and in some way he "used" it as a way to express feelings that to that point I didn't know that could be "real". And I'm the kind of person that believes a dream has the power of expressing honestly things we don't even know that are inside of us. Of course there was also a background for this story and he had already told he wanted to deepen his relationship with me and I felt the same so the dream acted as the "revelation" I needed to take it more seriously. In short, I kind of fell in love with that dream, so I thought it was worth going beyond the friendship that was blossoming between us (I won't judge now if it was a "bad" decision to develop such sudden confidence in my feelings and those of another just because a dream seemed to "signal" so). I simply felt he was being honest and the dream, at least superficially, showed he was really opening to me and the great experience a relationship could be; I also was extremely curious to know how a person could "follow" the flow of events so naturally as he seemed to be doing, almost exactly the way I "dreamed of" when all began.

I think your answer tells a lot about that perception, and of course about this boy's personality. It showed in fact to be very contrasting to mine, because, when we accorded with meeting again and began the "real" relationship, it wasn't long until he acted as if he was having a hard time trying to live to some weird expectations he had put to himself (thinking it was me, maybe). By example, he wasn't as passionate or open as he depicted himself or he wanted me to think, as the dream supposedly said he was, and it sort of ended
up being a mess in the sense he didn't want to demonstrate anything, I guess 'out of a sense of inadequacy', because he wasn't feeling the way he thought he'd feel being along with me (holding hands, etc). I didn't force anything but I wouldn't stop being freely what I am and he was growing uncomfortable, maybe he wanted a more "secret" kind of thing, as when we wrote to each other (in that sense, maybe in a daring way against roles and stantdards, I think I don't really repress my urges because of social or personal dilemmas). I feel I am free enough to confide in myself and others, with the obvious "weird" or "forbidden" sttuf that comes along. I mean, I'm not a libertine, because I believe in the conscious excercise of our will and wouldn't do in full knowledge anything that could harm my own wellness or that of another, but I also do feel at peace in knowing there are lots of things in our humanity that can be scary and ugly (because of the unknown), and I think my dreams tell me about that clearly; I don't feel menaced or repressed on embracing my sexuality and all the feelings and thoughts arising from my "encounters" with my own nature (which happen so openly in dreams).

OF course I'm also very ignorant  of so many things yet, and naive for many others, and that gives me an odd sense of wellness of being just me, not expecting too much as to fail to my own "standards", what I think was the main conflict with this boy. He expected maybe the wrong thing because I acted so "liberal" in so many senses, but he was afraid or ashamed to admit what he wanted for real (he had embarked in a relationship with me without dealing with his own conflicts and desires) and some way he disappointed himself after short, saying it was me the disillusioned one -to escape again of his own responsibility about himself more than me-. He had somewhat talked about the very hard, abusive family issues he lived, and an unresolved and disastrous long relationship he had "ruined", but he didn't seem to want having me helping out, not even as a comforting company -in fact as time passed he seemed desperately in need to make me disappear, literally-; and again the curious thing was that a dream had told everything before he could even put the theme, but then I thoght it's just a dream, isn't it?. It was like the "foreboding" of a perpetrated abandonment, he wasn't even aware he had in mind to get away with when he told that dream to me. And of course as I said, neither I had a clue what would happen, so candidly confident about my feelings. I was just "believing" (and didn't have any idea but the romantic one about what dreams can convey).

I notice the interesting "series" structure dreams develop to bring about the real issues, as pointed out in your nightmares' post, and how they work out the power inside us, making us to confront the most incredible aspects of life and ourselves. I won't deny the dream remained haunting for a considerable time, because I had actually fell in love with what it represented. And of course some people said that we both were complete fools in believing a relationship based on fanciful artistic, unreal interests and actual dreams could possibly work. I won't judge anything about this, cause for me, even if the material consequences proved a plain and horrible failure, after he sort of ran away -because of guilt and other stuff that he won't ever say I guess-, this experience was yes, a hurtful and very disturbing experience, but also an invaluable opportunity for growth, that I chose to take that way,  recognising my faults along with the need to learn real love and compassion and not judging either ourselves or others, and seeing the great wisdom of God manifested in our lives, to make them whole beyond our self impossed limitations, fears and desires. Now I just remember this and think he could use some help like this as much as me, as when he said I was scaring him when I told that our relationship had really been one of ghosts, as in the dream. Or the day I asked him to hold my hand -some time after we ended the affair- (it wasn't a relationship for real in the eyes of the people he looked to for "help"), and he said it was "inconvenient" and I realized that was the person he had kept hidden for all those
months; he asked me, maybe mistaking dreams with reality -didn't we ever?- and just said "sorry" but kept acting his convenient "public" self, the one he didn't show to me but now; it was sad but I wasn't discouraged about getting some truth from it, and one day acted out the last part of the dream for him... I don't know if he got the point or if he will some day, but I feel I was as sincere and confident as I could for him to the end, in spite of my flaws.

(And yes, I've heard about dinosaurs being far more colorful and exotic than those of movies, and how persons in dreams reflect and portray aspects of ourselves, -maybe this boy didn't, I don't know...- thanks!)  ;)

Dream Interpretation / dinosaur (someone else's dream)
« on: March 19, 2018, 04:32:23 AM »
Dear Tony

I've been having profuse dreams that brought back a question left in the air since the first approaches I had to dream interpretation, which has been greatly assisted by your wonderful site. I can't simply tell about the dictionary, because any and all of the posts I've read since the site was presented to me by my sister for the first time have been in synch with my wonderings. Reading back some important notes I had I found this dream along with links taken from here. The thing was I found these dreams someone else wrote to me time ago, hoping to get them interpreted, which we tried along using a pair of dictionaries (so bad I didn't know yours then). I'm still really curious, I'd love to find out about them because they happened to be powerful to me and I see them now as containing important stuff about this person's relationship with what occurred to us both at particular times. Also I've been thinking on the triptych qualities of my dreams, not just in their narratives but in the way they evolve in time. But right now I'm begging you to help me to sort of decode this dream I was told years ago... Here's the transcription:

Dinosaur (Blues)
1 august

"Yesterday night I dreamed of you again, finally. It's been long since I did, I didn't dream anything, everything was black and it was all, I'd wake up without any image. But my prayers were fulfilled at last and you appeared... We were at university, of course, and some peers were presenting  their work; I don't know what was all about, but it had to do with animals. One of them had made a dinosaur, it was huge, incredibly big, as if it was real. But it wasn't really as the ones from Jurassic Park; it reminded me of one of those toy dinosaurs made of an odd rubber, garish. The one we were watching was red on its back and displayed a gradation on its skin that ended as a yellow on the paws. I suppose it's an image from my infancy: I used to have those kind of toys, I remember them well. But with those dimensions it looked terrible, it was an awful work; we were asked to share our opinion and you kicked it saying it was horrible. It was funny, the guy got really annoyed so we went running far from there. In spite of the feeling of being at the campus, there were very strange places, unreal, as those of fairy tales. We arrived to a forest, we held each other's hand and began to walk  into it, somewhat fearful, but blissful about having an excuse to be alone and holding hands, all of this without looking at each other directly, without exchanging stares. There were leaves everywhere, yes, dry leaves that crackled under our feet. We went out that beautiful forest and bumped into a schoolmate of mine who I think is a ballet dancer now, named T. It seemed you both knew each other well, but with regards to me he just remembered me vaguely. He was very surprised to see us holding hands, he felt happy for us. We had a short talk: we spoke about imagination, about embracing so many ideas into a single work, in an only significant gesture. We conclude the conversation and go to the "26th street exit" (the weird 26th's exit). It was quite late, the sky had that purplish-blue color that I fancy so much to looking at, covering it all with a crepuscular aura, making the tones grow colder, making yellow turn to green, invading the figures with a rare feeling of gloom, the one that brings to mind this city, that doesn't really make for a warm and sunny town because it's not its true nature; no, I always paint this city that way, with a color palette between gray and blues, a Picassian blue, the city bathed with a drizzle slowly glazing its dirty streets, the abandoned retail shops, the cheap advertising, the buses and street vendings, all the pedestrians without exception, from businessmen to the destitute, everyone soaked by that blue of the sky that seems to carry all of our hopes away in the air. The first lightposts were already beginning to turn on when we arrived to the highway.  An impulse pushed me to take you into my arms and I slowly drew near your mouth. You seemed gone, having lost any strength, and had let yourself fall upon my hands. I, staggering, tried to hold you with the little strength I still had, getting as near as for my lips to touch yours. And we stayed that way for a while, as the blue dimmed and your face's warmth made me to forget the frozen wind that ran through. I could barely see your sleepy eyes, hardly looking at them with my moribund eyes. All of a sudden, you came back recovered, don't really know well, and you ran away towards the road, without a thought about the risks. From the sidewalk I could see how your earrings went flying and remained hovering in circles, as if escaping from gravity.   [(35:16) Untouchable.] You ended up crossing the highway miraculously, and my legs began running after you, trying to reach your slippery earrings which floated like feathers. Cars drove passing over me, crossing through my body, and I'd finally begin to understand what was happening: we were ghosts, bodiless spirits, insubstantial; the world wouldn't affect us anymore, we were already dead. I picked up your earrings, and holding them I got through to the other side, searching for you like a lunatic. I watched you lying on the floor, stunned about not knowing what had happened, still weak. I made an attempt to lift you from the floor but then you recovered quickly and put me into your arms. I would repeatedly kiss your head, as you kissed my chest non-stop. It was a total embrace, not out of strength as it was before, on the contrary, we clinged to each other as if the world ended in our bodies, as if we wanted our lives to be an only one. And I woke up, tangled in my blankets, holding my pillow tight, in the midst of an inexplicable shudder."

This post I find related with the dream depicted here: https://dreamhawk.com/dream-encyclopedia/dream-lovers/

Healing Dreams / Re: strangling a voice
« on: March 12, 2018, 04:23:40 AM »
Tony - Yeah, as always, it's so very true! & yes, I think it's maybe about that language beyond recognition we all have some discernment in the spirit, but we actually don't know how to bring effectively to conscious life. I totally agree with your remark "The unconscious is a feeling thing, which often has never out its important feelings into ‘words’ and so often has to stumble about to achieve that."

More than "seeing", I do really believe it has to do with something I need to "listen" to. Your example is a strong one, that you've pointed out before when I talked about a performing experience working on with dreams... and there I feel a clear connection again with the point "the voice" is maybe trying to make, because following your suggestions back then, this time I tried to reenact not just a dream, but a real life experience that was particularly painful to remember. Maybe I should put this more in context explaining the thing with the "voice" and the ongoing process that ended up being like this.

I don't remember why, but the night of January 29th I had the urgence to explore a memory as I've tried out with dreams following what I've been reading in many of your posts, along with my performing experiences. I just went to bed and began remembering the place where an important event of my personal life took place. It happened in the front wall of the building I spent most of the time at university. It was a sort of "rendezvous" someone I had began a relationship with and me agreed to have in an almost ceremonial way; it was planned as if a performance, and was sealing the beginning of a couple relationship; I won't explain -it gets really complicated- all the stuff concerning to how it worked, the thing is that moment had the meaning of a ritual to me. Also, it went beyond my expectations at the moment; I was trying to see it as a playful, maybe even fanciful thing (because at some point I was panicking and I didn't want to ruin the fairy tale I had worked so much to create), but everything apparently occurred so naturally, it flowed so fine and well, that I thought I had found more than a relationship, I felt a connection of alike souls; I ended up thinking we both talked the same "language" and naively felt the happiest person on earth.

Our "scripted" plan was I would wait there, as I used to so oftenly at that wall, sitting and with my eyes closed. He would come -as if he was appearing there by accident- and approach me, and kiss me as some sort of enchanted princess. We had gotten so used to plan weird things because we had plenty of time on vacation, and at that time we were so far from each other, that we could just write a lot, all of our thoughts and feelings. That was the reason it seemed to me that I knew him deeply, and that I could feel the confidence to make that kind of plans. It wasn't really hard for me to believe he felt and wanted the same. The "performance" went really well, we both were utterly happy that day, as if we'd found the part of each other that was "missing". But reality became very distant from the dream we had in mind, as a very unexpected result of the affair I got awfully sick and he began to act in a way I don't need to judge at this point in time, but hurt me profoundly. Things only went worse as I tried to understand and keep up with him and well, it reached its termination as a nightmare.

To go back to the particular exercise of remembering that day and its relationship with healing, I carefully acted my coming back to that wall, sitting there and waiting for him. (Maybe I'd like to try being him someday, but I don't have a clue how to do it, it sounds difficult for me right now). It wasn't long until I entered a very conscious and deep state where, as you remarked in your answer, there was a clarity beyond the limits of speech and space, even time (I was really there, as if I could bring back the whole moment, not just imagining it). The environment turned cool and there was an accute awareness that tickled all my senses... I felt him approaching, very similarly to that day, but I could "see", "hear", "feel" beyond my closed eyes -as in dream mode-. I wasn't even remembering, I was there, and I'd dare to say in some sort of way he was, also. I feel the monochrome of the surroundings and his clothing, I feel invaded by those. His presence and nearness is not "welcomed" for real, but I let him get near to the point it's almost the kiss again... Then I open my eyes, knowing it would end any possibility for the kiss. And what I see then is not him, but the sort of distortion produced by static, I don't know how to describe but something like an interference of some sort, as if an image can't be fully loaded in a computer, something like that visually. As soon as I get to that point I don't see him anymore, but that dissolving image, and I feel the pulsating need to scream... I begin to scream and scream first holding my breath, gnashing my teeth, but as much as I allow the perceptive space go wider I scream "louder, and louder" (It's totally audible in that same space I feel completely real)... Even though I'm not doing it "physically", I know my soul is yelling the most piercing howls I've ever heard in life, and I feel they dissolve the fragments still present of his image. I keep doing it for several minutes, allowing that screaming to get where it may.

It was a so strong experience that I felt the actual pressure in my chest, all the consuming effort, and finally some tears down my closed eyes. Then I realized it was the scream, not the kiss, what I needed to convey. It was liberating, because I had finally understood I didn't even want to express words, plain emotions, but something that was so powerful, so ancient, as that thing that I think remains "between our head and our heart". I can identify at some point with the realization you describe in your example. To feel helpless as a child, scared but ¿what for?... Is it the uttering of our lonely self, crying for a reuniting?

The antecedent was "the calling". And also, of course, it deals with all those little deaths life's built upon, I guess...

Healing Dreams / strangling a voice
« on: March 09, 2018, 04:02:56 AM »
Hi again Tony  ::)

About a week before grandma had this strong decline in her health I had a dream that in some sort of way was a sequel for a process I began on "revisiting" dreams and real life situations acting them on in the dream context with the idea of healing in mind. What keeps me wondering is the fact that there were lots of interesting anticipating signals that brought me to a scenario I've not experienced for a long time: a loved one's death; and this particular dream came along with all of it. I don't really know how to classify it, it's the kind of dream that happens as if it was a waking experience, resembling the exact environment, placement and situation you're in that same moment. It's happened before but, as I've read happens with this type of dreams, this time I don't end up waking after a struggle to breathe or feeling I can't scream under an apparently terrifying threat (always in supernatural circumstances).
This time it happens as if I'm awakening because there's a "voice" (with no clear origin or body) that begins to quietly mutter words that I just don't get. It's a feminine voice behind me, I know for sure. I "open" my eyes and let the chatter continues as I get aware of my posture, the darkness of the room, the place the voice "comes" from... So I realize it's whispering just behind my right ear; then I feel it's something that's trying to make me scared with its persistence, so I begin repeating "In the name of Jesus", over and over, and some other few words as if on prayer, admonishing the thing to get out of here. This time the prayer is so consistent that I manage to "get up", then I use the blanket to cover or "wrapping" the voice -it's clear to me it's almost an object, even when it's invisible-, and I press it tight with my hands as if trying to strangle it, then pushing it furiously agains the mattress to make sure it'll disappear (maybe die). I treat it like a poisonous animal, in a violent and resolute way.
It's under my fists when I wake up for real; my position reveals it's a dream, because I'm lying on my back, not squating as happened when I "attacked" the voice. But again a curious detail: I wake up because I hear the sound of a sort of toy xylophone placed in the lower floor's bookcase. This sound is "real", and is weird because it's only occasionally produced when it's touched, or when there's a wind entering the room when we open the door. At that instant there's no apparent thing to produce the sound. So the awakening acts like another part of the dream, a part designed to make me notice maybe it was not just a dream... something beyond my grasp trying to get my attention, through my ear. Another particular detail is I don't fear at all. I'm very ready to listen -I know it's not about "seeing" this time-, and I'm determined to smother that voice which came to disturb my resting state. Then hours after I recalled it was Ash Wednesday, curious if I think it was a kind of spiritual battle between me and that  bodiless voice...

General Discussion / Re: loved one's health issues
« on: March 06, 2018, 06:50:29 PM »
Wow. That was the point that was missing, and there's enormous wisdom on it! Even though I've thought about it a lot, it looks hard to come to that ultimate realization. It's amazing. Wonderful, thanks a lot! (I guess my spirit knew even when I didn't, because I kept showing tenderness and peace and I've taken care of her with patience and loving understanding even when some people tell she's just "demented"). But having this translated to understandable words makes it all easier to grasp, so I won't feel discouraged and now I can feel more grateful and able to carry on with her, overcoming the sense of helplessness that sickness often brings to our lives. I do really bless the wisdom in your words, thanks!

General Discussion / loved one's health issues
« on: March 06, 2018, 05:08:36 AM »
Dear Tony

I've been thinking a lot about the importance of the subconscious info retrieved by dreams in healing processes, not just at an emotional but physical level as well.
So to say that it's an entire spiritual journey that, at least in my experience, deals with the universal nature of aspects of life, being love the one that sums up any and all of our individual quests. Right now I'd like to tell you a pair of dreams I had while taking care of grandma, an Alzheimer's patient who ended up in an emergency room last week because a heart issue that had went undetected until now (I think we have a mind "connection" since we share a lot of time together).
I took on the responsibility of taking care of her a year and a half ago, when I came back home after finishing school. She was diagnosed with Alzheimer like a decade ago, but she has remained stable so it was all of a sudden that got this bad... It's a painful, hard to deal with condition, but I've learnt to share with joy and optimism the time in her company. So it was really disturbing the feeling of the abrupt disruption of her otherwise "good" health...

The dreams don't necessarily have a clear relation with what was happening with her as I watched over her at the hospital, but they came as a switching on after a dream I'd like to comment apart (I don't really know what "type" of dream is when it feels like being awake, and besides it was a sort of "vision" which I'm not sure to call a "premonition" but in some way foretold the hardships that would occur some days after). Well, the dreams I remember I had the couple of days we stayed at the hospital were these: The first day I was sitting there, as if it was a classroom, lights up, and here it comes a boy that presented his final work the same semester than me; it's like we are taking a class, there are a few persons, including a female professor there, but it's also as if we're in an intimate space, so as to approach each other without caring who could watch the way we interacted. I'm sitting at a desk and after what looks like a very flirty talk, he comes and begins to kiss the back of my neck. I feel good and nice, but don't feel really at ease because a hungry anticipation begins to build, I "imagine" how good it would feel if he kissed my mouth that way but there's something that seems not "right" in wanting that... I just keep the image of his smiling face while approaching me but it all ends there. Then I get into an exhibiton space where "my paintings" are in display. there also is a classmate with whom I worked years ago, who's there watching and bitterly criticizing my "way" of painting... Saying it's no painting at all. I get some steps behind him and almost yell strong arguments to defend my work; and again a female figure of authority stands near me, telling me to appease my speech, because the work can -and will- speak by itself. In this part of the dream there's no insecurity as in the beginning, but a contained anger, discomfort, maybe. It's weird how these two characters come to kind of interpellate first a private, then a public way to "show" myself. Finally, I'm in church. It's just the same room as before but with some furniture to look as a dinner party with eucharistic connotations. A square table dressed in white, and some served food. I'm arriving and there are some other people, among whom there is a young girl I know, dressed in white and acting as the one in charge. I feel strange because she's not as I know her, she has a smile that simply doesn't look sincere. I'm offered to take a drink, and here it comes the most curious part of the dream. First there's a glass of very red wine. Then, she opens a champagne bottle, that I can also have a drink of. Finally, here it is a glass of milk. It takes a lot of thinking to know which drink I'll chose to drink. I'd certainly like to drink that heavy wine, which I think is "in the middle" between the exaggeration of champagne (what are we celebrating?) and the childish option of milk. And even though I'd had preferred the wine, I end up thinking I'd rather take the milk -and some cereal-, just in case someone there would be to "judge" me as pretentious, vain or even drunkard if I chose the others. But there's no final choosing at all.

Then a few days after I dreamt I was in a large laundry room that was also a painting classroom. I got near a washing machine and there it was a paper that hapenned to be the one I asked to a professor with a concept about my work. The thing was the paper wasn't actually that but an apron, written, signed and decorated in the professor's fashion. And it also was the "letter" with the concept I had asked him to write. I take a look just to notice some green patterns and then I turn my head towards the entrance of the place, and he comes in, very serious. What is noteworthy of this dream is the relationship with the figure of my grandmother, that I didn't knew but read in one of your posts. It surprised me because I wasn't aware of the symbol (apron), but my mind used it nevertheless. I must note the work I asked my professor to comment on was referred to my relationship with her. And coming back to my original worry, now she's very affected, she hasn't been well since she got sick, and I feel really sad. I used to dream what would happen next day with her, and she frequently spoke to me about the dreams she had as if they were things that actually happened...

I must say that I miss her a lot, I mean, her singing, laughing, repeating on and on the same thing, even her "crazy" ways... Though her memory was "lost", she was a presence, a company, the body of constant affection and caring (a reciprocated one). Now it's her who seems lost. She was in some sort of way the objectivation, the protagonist of my returning home and the regaining of all my familiar memories and now it's like an ending to something that I think that had a lot yet to explore... then I beg God for peace, because I know her condition have meant a suffering since the beginning, after all. But there's something in me (maybe in her) that doesn't want to let go just yet. I just feel it's weird when you have to begin to miss someone when they're still there...

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