(sorry it's sooo long...)
So it was like a body, like a huge person standing there, in front of me. Like any other image presenting me something in a dream, and eventually like myself and all my history there. So at first I got the closest I could to it, as to erase my vision, embracing it, feeling it, to be aware of its sensitive suggestions, and the things that could appear to my mind (and heart). I kept true to the dreams that inspired this and followed the path scripted by them.
So I began to take distance, first to be able to write the special piece of fabric I had prepared along with my paintings to work as my "blanket", white and totally clean. It covered just a small part of the big wall but was enough to make a point of reference related with the measure of my body and the precise spot where some things took place. I began to write very freely about my sensations and almost unconscious stuff that came to my mind, that were not a lot in fact. Every once in a while I took more distance, and as I did it my perceptions were more open and expanded, as much as my "intellectual" thinking blurred. I began innerly talking to the wall, then I talked as the wall itself. The total time was about 2 hours, and there were several intervals on which I just closed my eyes, to check if I was reached the "breaking point", where I sort of returned to my position of "dreamer".
The thing was intense and demanding not just emotional, but physically. And when I opened my eyes I revived all kinds of memories mixed with the dream that put me there, in front of that wall, at the precise distance on which I was the man that stood facing the blanket, feeling the sun on his face and in a ravishing state on which there's nothing more than that wall, that blank space that becomes blinding with light, absorbing and paralyzing everything else around, as if he could cross it or make it disappear with just the intensity of staring at it, or becoming the wall in the exhaustion of all that time passed. A wall that I indeed felt as a body, my own body confronting me with all those experiences and stories that I lived in and out that building through all of this years.
There was a climactic point where tears fell from my eyes, and my heart just squeezed in the remembrance of something that I couldn't grasp, just felt as a separation of some sort. Then I slowly felt like returning and that there was something that had to be acted out in real life. And some minutes after that I felt the goodbye was completed and I had to go. I said a physical goodbye, asked for the time and went to find what was the thing I had to meet that woke me up.
As we know association doesn't work the same in real life, it's almost irrational to say something that seems pretty obvious in dreams as "that wall was you and a person you'd thought you love" or a wall is a sheet and a paper and person also - so all I could say is that a very random but personally meaningful thing that caused my bewilderment took place a short time after the performance ended. I felt happy because I felt I had achieved in fact to feel the same thing that man had showed me in a dream of years and years ago, and I even went beyond traversing that wild space of the wall to my own body, taking on a experience of years into a single moment as no video or picture alone could possibly do.
But there was some sadness because it was just me, after all - how could I possibly transmit, tell anyone else I had entered a dream? I had an occasional public but they were anything but near of knowing what was really going on besides that woman standing for hours there, maybe crying or talking in front of a wall. To that point I hadn't collected the whole experience of the exposition yet, so I didn't know if the public had experienced also a bit of my memories, dreams and life watching the paintings, entering that space I had presented to them.
But I walked away convinced that there was something out there calling my attention in my material world, so I went to a place that also had a meaning, about this very painful relationship with one person - a person that disappeared and became a ghost in my life with no explanations allowed, so releasing the pain was awful hard. As I got there things didn't seem to be particularly rare even though as I approached the place I knew I was like "meeting destiny", but then it happened that I heard myself telling - so finally, I know here you are - and in fact, after years, and just in the back of the office where I had presented the document of the written final work (that was also like a diary of an illness, my return to home and that hurtful relationship), I saw that person. He was along with other people so I just took a look from a distance, and it felt like the look I had taken of the wall just minutes ago. I didn't want to look back but didn't feel so good as to go running away from there, so I found a tranquil place where I could just sit and think... and then it happened the second time. As he passed by, unable to look back at me, it felt exactly as the second part of the dream, as a ghost talking - with no words - of his own tomb.
I spent a time to feel ok and wondering, amazed but also bothered by the sudden apparition, noticing how the page I was reading was exactly a "performance script" I had shared with him when we both first began to talk each other. And the images of some wall and a stone. When I thought I had spent time enough to get up and go without meeting again I left, but as much as I recalled every single image and sensation something compelled me to go faster and faster.
I arrived the building like an hour later, went insctinctively to the classroom to make sure everything was ok (it was time to take all the things off the walls and I felt the disappointment of knowing he had been near all the time, but didn't even try to take a look to my work, maybe because of a fear or a resentment), and as I went out again there he was, standing and again talking to other people in the opposite wall. So I just could turn my back again, looking like fainting - that's what my director told me - because of the long hours spent, first before the wall, then walking apparently aimlessly, towards an unexpected, almost random "encounter" with my recent past, the other "body" of my dreams.
It was also weird the way I ended up repeating the three postures I had seen on him in a dream a year ago, a recurrent image, and the fact that I was there because the performing of another dream suggested me to go precisely to that place, to meet the reason "hidden" beyond those images. But I couldn't talk to him, and he never ever tried to cross or facing that "wall". It presented itself as simple as he was the very thing that couldn't "enter", and the one I couldn't access.
I felt like at the beginning, but aware that it was the end, also. And a sort of anticipation of "another life", a profound and almost terrifying level of experience, or at least like being inside a short film of some sort, but incapable of reconciling with "reality". So the whole thing was incredible, deep, but also so loaded of emotional and spiritual questioning that it was impossible not feeling weird. I felt unstable, unable to keep calm as the hours and days passed by because of the impression all of this had left in me, and still the unresolved, why there's always a reason for which you meet some people an then they just leave. Even now I feel it's so much what I just don't know, I feel as helpless as I felt when I was a child. But there is where I find a possible answer because I think it is precisely what this is all about... To learn and being able to just let our fears, our questions, our limitations and separation with the universal just go. Finding the real way of sharing and feel joy and learn to love.
To end I'll go back to the dream with which I began this. I had several intervals on which I kind of woke up and went over and over the dream so I could understand it, and remembering the very clear and sound words that were spoken. But then I felt asleep again, so at some point I heard - in this short waking time before - and after the dream - spoken clearly, and not just my thought or an "imagined voice" but the same dream with the message of the Psalm 23, specially verse 5 recounted almost literally-
You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
6
Surely your goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord
forever); and I just said Wonderful, so this is what this dream is all about!
It's weird, it's hard - it's subjected to systems of beliefs, classifications, dual experiences and perceptions, but in the end it'll took us where things become one if we let it. I feel this experience powered by prayer, physical and spiritual preparation and wonderful resources like your posts helped me to achieve some sort of very significant initial translation for one of the more complex process we experience as humans, dreaming. Bring this information to awaken life is a form of healing and exploring creativity in a way that mustn't be ignored. I don't think I've been clear but at least this is my honest reference to what this experience was like to me.
Sorry again I couldn't find the way to explain in few words. Thanks a lot! I really appreciate this space you provide so kindly!
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Hi! I'd love being helped out with this!
!!