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Dream Interpretation / The Race
« on: May 12, 2014, 08:18:02 PM »
Hello...The second half of this dream had some interesting images, the meaning of which eludes me.  The first half is basically about the current situation I'm in and my feelings about it, as well as the attitudes of the other players involved.  Basically, I have been helping run my father's business along with another female co-worker for a decade.  For little pay.  It has been stressful, highly detail oriented, high pressure work but it has been all I've ever known.  Now that my father is about to retire and has been talking about how much the business is worth, suddenly my brother, who has never worked in this business, knows nothing about the field, and never expressed any interest in it before, suddenly wants to take over and run the business.  Not join it, not work with me as equals, but own it outright.  He's been courting my father and appealing to his ego by having "the family business becoming a family legacy"  appealing to the notion of having his son carry on his business.  Well, I have no interest supporting the emperor with no clothes, especially one who has shunned and degraded me my whole life.  I've already been doing all the work for my father with no credit for years.  I'm not about to repeat it with my brother.  I can't believe that we're on the verge of renewing the whole same process (only worse, my brother is so disrespectful he doesn't even look at me let alone speak to me) where I do all the work and the emperor with no skills/knowledge gets all the reward and credit and respect for a position that I work my tail off so he can have.  In the dream we are all in the office.  My father hands me paperwork to fill out to help my brother become licensed and set up for his new position in his business.  My brother doesn't even look at me, let alone acknowledge me, as I do this paperwork for him.  Inside, I feel this is so unfair, and wonder how far I will be able to go along with this.  How can I work with someone who is so disrespectful? Who feels so entitled to his position (not just to taking over a business at the last hour of which he is clueless about, but to his attitude toward me..I am just a slave, a bug to be squashed, in the way, unless I'm doing all the work unquestioningly in the background).  In the beginning of the dream my co-worker and I are aligned.  We literally have our heads together, while my father brings in my brother and his wife.  I'm tasked with setting things up for him, and I know the future holds me continuing to do all his work for him in the background, while he does nothing but reap in the money and basks in the image and power his new title gives him.  I do what my father tells me to do.  Silently struggling, however.  By the end of the office visit, my co-worker is chummy with my brother's wife.  I sense where this is going.  Foreseeing a shift in alliances.  The power shifting into even worse inequity if that is even possible.  When my father leaves the office, I follow him down the hallway.  I decide to express my concerns; that it is unfair to give his business over to his son with zero experience the day he retires, when I have been loyal and running his business for a decade with no credit and humiliating pay.  I have all the skill and knowledge.  I'd be doing all the work but his son would be getting all the power.  How can you do this to me?  But when I look at my father in the hallway, I suppress this.  I just can't bring myself to say it to him because I know how he will react.  He is too full of emotional and egoistic crap to hear any of this.  In the dream my father is standing in front of the bathroom, and I realize he's just too full of (emotional, psychological) crap to hear any of this.  So I say nothing about my brother or the outrageous inequity, not to mention the irresponsibility of it all, and leave him to go to the bathroom.  Right then I decide, I can NOT go back to work the way things are.  I can NOT speak to my father or expect anything from him.  Nothing but more of the same.  So I start running.  I am running out of this big crowded facility.  As I make my way dodging through stairs, corners, people, I notice I am running barefoot, but more interestingly, I notice there are small green sprouts or new growth growing in the stairs.  Like spring is sprouting under my feet even through concrete, hallways, and stairs.  I notice, and just keep on running.  When I get outside I notice other young people are running too.  It's like a marathon.  A race.  I am really striding past people, past obstacles.  It feels good to run.  To move.  Freedom of movement.  I quickly dodge past more and more people.  Whoever or whatever is in my way, I simply glide around them.  A former physical education coach looks at me and makes a comment about my lack of shoes.  He seems surprised.  Not only am I barefoot but my other attire is inadequate for support of this kind of race.  I realize I'm totally not prepared or dressed right for this, but I don't really feel held back by it.  I've been really moving.  I took his comment to be a reflection on my not having proper (or any) support for this endeavor.  As in support from people or resources.   Oh, well, I keep running.  Not slowing down.  Only leaping and bounding faster.  It feels great, like I'm a deer or a child with that sense of expanding freedom and limitlessness.  My feet barely touch the ground.  Hop, hop, leap, zipping past people, changing landscapes, rocks, boulders.  I am really doing well for someone with no shoes!  I'm outbounding everyone!

The marathon begins to trace along a river now.  I run through it, so fast I barely notice until another runner lets out a yelp "Look out!"  I almost ran right up a boulder in the river (the highest point) where a giant tusked walrus sat beached.  I catch a glimpse of it and in a millisecond I divert my direction away so I turn away from the boulder and stay below it, instead of leaping up to it like I'd originally intended.  That was close.  Moving forward I now see I have a choice;  go headfirst into deeper, more aggressive water OR take the high ground with that tusked male walrus sitting there.  Since I can't swim and fear getting swept up in the current and carried away to a point where I'd drown...My instinct initially wanted me to go up the rocky boulder and avoid the deep current.  Yet.  Unfortunately I can't due to that humongous walrus.  Its tusks could spear me.  Long white thick heavy tusks.  Worse, its heavy body could crush me or suffocate me to a slow death.  That is what I fear most.  Getting stuck up there with the animal's enormity slowing crushing me to death.  I love animals, but I don't want to risk that kind of consequence.  This was a large male walrus and I sensed an  unpredictable aggressiveness, territorial combativeness innate in the male of this species.  I couldn't go up there. There's is no room for me up on that boulder, that high point, the walrus takes up the whole space.  Clearly, not an option.  So I stop.  I look ahead at the deeper, more aggressive water cascading in front of me.  Knowing I never learned how to swim.  Knowing if I choose to move forward the odds would not be in my favor.  It would be irresponsible, since I can't swim, am not properly attired or prepared or supported. Am alone.  I just stop and look and weigh the reality before me.  The dream ends here.  I wake up.  It feels like the dream is telling me that yes, I'm in a bad place (work/family/life) but I can't run away from it and I have no ability to get beyond it. It doesn't matter what my efforts or abilities are; I'm stuck. 

Dream Interpretation / White Horse
« on: February 08, 2014, 09:35:00 PM »
color=navy]The dream began with me with my family and their friends.  I felt very much the odd one out.  Didn't belong.  I also didn't want to be with them at all but felt sort of stuck, forced to endure the encounter until they decided to leave.  A position I know well and have been in before.  Also, in the dream I was wrapped up in my pajamas and a big thick fluffy bathrobe during the whole interaction while everyone else was dressed appropriately for the social occasion.  But I didn't care in the dream.  It was like I'd had enough and was not willing to make the effort for "appearances" anymore.  In real life of course I'd be profoundly embarrassed if anyone saw me in such a state.  But in the dream I'm hanging out in my bathrobe, not caring what they'll think of me.  Or perhaps more accurately I realilzed it didn't matter what I did or how I appeared or what effort I gave; they would always have me be the odd one out.  So why bother.  Might as well be as comfortable as is possible while I endure this unpleasant situation.

After the party, the next scene is me with my father, mother, and sister.  Again, this is not a good place for me, I don't really want to be with them like this.  But its always been me submitting to their wills, their versions, their dictates.  They want to go somewhere so I have to go whether I want to or not.  I don't know exactly where the goal of their destination is, I just know I have to follow, and also be the scapegoat, the lowest one on the pecking order, whom they need with them in order to dump everything that's wrong with them onto, so that the rest of this toxic family can maintain its "normal" public image.  I am about as free as a slaughter house cow, being prodded along for the owner's purposes, never really free.    My father, mother, and sister are walking uphill a road from my childhood.  Going backwards.  I don't know where we're going I just follow behind them.  Along the way I stop to notice and comment upon a wonderous tree trunk who's roots appear to be showing above ground (but the tree remains firmly planted in the ground at the same time.  Its like its roots were so vast that they stood 20 feet above ground but there was also lots of roots unseen underground.  The tree was in no danger.  Very sturdy in the soil.  I found it unusual/unique and commented on it.  My family didn't pay any attention.  I looked closer and saw that someone had made this tree's trunk parts into a house!  "Look, what a lovely wooden house!" I exclaimed.  "They made a house into this tree."  The tree and the house integrated together and neither harmed.  The tree was still alive and thriving.  It was not killed or damaged by having a human fashioning a living space within its roots/trunk.  Both aspects lived together coehesively.  I loved the idea that you could go inside a tree to live. What a lovely way to live! With this gorgeous healthy tree reaching up to the sky above where you rested and took shelter.  My family ignored me and we continued on walking up the hill of this road.  When we got to a town we had to pass through an indoor area (it wasn't a barn though it felt more like the entranceway to a large upscale mall) that was like a passageway or intermediary from countryside to civilization, town/city life.  So our first step indoors is into this area we have to pass to get to where my parents are going (turns out to be a fancy restaurant) and as we walk through it I see this amazingly beautiful white horse.  Only it doesn't look like any real life horse.  It's like an otherworldly mystical creature you'd see in a fairy tale.  Its body is definitely that of a horse, yet its face was like a combination of llama and horse and angel.  It was such a beautiful un-horse like face, with enourmous beautiful expressive eyes.  And it was slender faced, it was such a cute, beautiful face and otherworldly.  I stopped to remark on the horse.  No one else did.  I wanted so badly to linger and visit with it.  (I do have an affinity for horses).  But because my family wasn't interested, I had to continue on with them.   We entered a fancy restaurant.  My father's favorite thing to do is eat and talk so he lights up in his element here. Grinning from ear to ear and talking with excessive eagerness.  A public place to dazzle people with his tales and present his best side.  My mother loves this too.  It is in the public where they light up and put on a play, performing their very best, social, civilizized, humourous, lighthearted.  In public is the one place they aren't bitter, violent, abusive, immature.  Inside I feel sick.  I really, really don't want to keep doing this.  I don't have it in me to put myself through one more event where I hold their secrets and their abuses a secret and play along socially as if everything's hunky dory.  Its a nauseating charade.  But what choice do I have?  They are so believable and powerful. I see my father sit down at a table, all lit up and beaming and gabbing away happily.  Then I see a handsome gray haired man (made me think he was a doctor because he seemed so distringuished and professional) stand up from another table across the room to greet my mother.  She lights up and I see her public persona beaming out and broadcasting like a beacon of light.  Their public facades are so good.  Always have been.  No one would ever believe me.  If I ever spoke up or asked for help or revealed what really goes on, I'd get it worse, and conditions were bad enough already.  I've always known I must always keep their secrets.  I can never reveal the truth or seek help.  No without putting their public images at risk.  And thus my own life.  I could never win against them.  Their public images being unbreakably pristine.  Their ability to lie and act so vast.  Yet.  I didn't want to dine with them.  To submit to the false show of lighthearted chatter and boasting.  To be the scapegoat so they can socialize and dine and appear perfectly respectable and carefree.  So I never sat down with them.  I turned on my heels without a word and started to walk away.  As I do so I hear my mother calling after me.  She repeatedly calls after me and doesn't stop until she throws something at me from across the room.  It turns out to be the keys to the house.  She thinks I am going back home, without them, so I would need the keys that they hold to gain access.  I hold the keys in my hand.  I don't know where I am going.  I just know I am not socializing in public with them for this false display.  I walk back the way we came.  It appears I'm walking through a crowded mall.  As I walk back I see a former classmate and friend of my brothers walking in the opposite direction.  She spots me and gives me a knowing little half smile as we pass each other.  I pick up my pace.  I don't like that she recognized me.  That means I still resemble the girl she used to know; shy, scared, mute, in short weird.  I'm sure she also saw in me whatever my brother told her about me too (he was always recruiting others to bully me, calling me names, encouraging them to degrade me to my face).  So its not a good feeling for me when she recognizes me with that closed lipped smile.  It means my reputation and image is still shaped by my family. 
When I make it back to the room with the dainty white horse I walk over to her and pet her and talk to her.  Can't resist.  Such a cute magical little beauty.  Pure white.  Big pretty eyes and facial expressions that are not horse-like at all.  What is this creature?  She is drawn to me too because she starts toward me, stretching out from behind the confines of the wire/rope which fenced her into the stall.  Now her whole front body and front legs and face are completely outside of the wire fence and on my side.  She is straining to come out of the stall to get to me.  But her hind legs, particularly her hoofed feet and dainty ankles are still stuck in the fence.  Stuck hanging in the air suspended by the fence made of rope.  I am very concerned for the horses safetly.  I don't want her to hurt herself trying to get out.  Her hind feet are just dangling up in the air in the ropes.  If she moves any further toward me or moves at all, she could twist the ropes around her feet and get binded up in a precarious position, even breaking her legs (which is a death sentence for a horse).  I sense people with me who are also concerned.  I don't know who they are, I don't see them, only sense their presence. They weren't with me before.  I only look at the horse.  I convey with them my worries.  What should we do?  Should we tell the authorities?  There is a stand over to our left where the "authorities" are.  People who own this white horse or own the large facility that houses her.  I debate with the peers beside me whether or not to summom their help.  But as I look at the precarious position the horse is dangling in, I say "No. Don't tell the authorities."  I was afraid they'd man-handle her in their attempts to get her back in the stable and she could get nervous in the struggle and twist up her hind legs in the rope.  Too dangerous.  Their only concern would be stuffing her back in the stable and they wouldn't take care of her welfare.  I could just see her limbs snapping with their involvement.   I envisioned her legs getting bound up in the rope and twisting her dainty legs until they break.  She was so far out of the fence, putting her back in at this point would be dangerous to her limbs.  They were just hanging in the air behind her.  Better to just free her hind feet from the fence and let her out completely.  No, I say to the people around me, I'll do it myself.  Or we'll do it ourselves.  And I carefully put my hands on her feet and gently swung them over the rope so that now she had all four feet on the ground. And she was on my side of the fence.  Out of stable.  Dream ended there.   [/color]

Dream Interpretation / Big Black Bird
« on: November 27, 2013, 05:33:05 PM »
Dreamt I saw a very large black bird in the tree above me as I looked out the porch windows.  This bird was the size of turkey, quite large, but not a turkey.  It was some kind of buzzard, vulture type bird, and all black.  It had its gaze focused upon me as it sat fixed there in the tree above me.  Then, it aimed and peed on me.  Right through the screen window!  I scrambled away into the house.  I know it sounds funny, but I wonder if this was a health related dream?

Dream Interpretation / E-Cigarrettes
« on: November 23, 2013, 09:00:58 PM »
Here is dream my mother had.  She doesn't usually remember her dreams.  She dreamt she was in a large room, large enough to hold lots of people, like an assembly or hall.  It was grey and vacant, with no furniture, no place to sit, nothing at all but filled with lots of people smoking vapor cigarettes or e-cigarettes.  That was all they were doing.  Just a large vacant room with people milling about smoking fake cigarettes. My mother says she was off to the side watching a room full of people doing nothing but smoking.  She recalls wondering why she was there and why there was a room full of people doing nothing but smoking faux cigarettes. 

Dream Interpretation / A Trip to the Museum
« on: November 23, 2013, 08:19:12 PM »
The dream starts with me on the country road I associate most with my childhood.  This is where I spent much of my youth, visiting with friends, exploring the nearby woods, riding our bikes.  So I am assuming I am around that age during the dream (10-12), and this becomes even more true when I see I am with another boy of the same age. 
He and I are suddenly told by Angelina Jolie (more on what she likely symbolizes in a moment) to get in the car as she drives us to who knows where. 

Note--I'd read Angelina's biography a few years ago and I associate her as someone very much like my mother...someone emotionally immature, borderline personality disordered, self-centered and very much into her image and managing to maintain a smiley, picture perfect public persona despite being disturbed. 

Back to the dream...I'm sitting in the back seat as Angelina drives us down this secluded road.  She drives us deeper and deeper, to where, I'm still not sure.  But I am certainly uneasy about it.  She does not say where we are going.  She just keeps driving.  Since she is the adult and has a certain aura of authority and respectability about her, I feel I must respect her desire to take us wherever it is she's determined to take us.  In fact, my mind races ahead to a scenario where I demand to be let out of the car and I know I'd be overpowered and things would likely escalate to a dangerous volatility.  There seems no option but to submit to her will and let her drive us where she will.  I do think the only time I could have had an alternate option would have been prior to getting in the car with her.  I could have run away when she told us to get in with her.  (My mind races with thoughts like these during the drive).

As she drives along I notice the along the side of the road, in the ditches, black birds, ravens, dead.  Then there are more and more birds strewn along the road.  The dead animals grow in number, soon I see chipmunks, squirrels, rabbits, all sorts of birds of course.  The amount and type of dead animals grows in numbers.  Taking this as a sign of danger that we are heading to a very unhealthy place I speak up.  I tell Angelina that we shouldn't be going this way, look at all the dead animals, their numbers growing the further she takes us in this direction.  The environment must be poisioned, I tell her.  Let's not go this way.

Angelina Jolie smiles sweetly, and in a voice just as sickeningly sweet says "Oh, its much worse than you think.  It's radiation."  And this sends icy chills through me since she says it with a smile as she continues to drive us further into this dangerous territory.

Once we get to her destination, she finally says where we are.  It is a museum.  Out in the middle of nowhere.  Nothings there but this one level museum, a parking lot, and a large placid body of water to the right.  It feels familiar.  I say aloud "I've been here before...when I was a kid."  I must have been a little kid because I remember just enough to have the feeling of being there before with my family, nothing more.

We get out of the car and walk up to the building.  Once I enter it Angelina Jolie and the boy recede out of my awareness.  Not sure if they're there at all now.  Once I enter the museum I see my actual mother is present inside.  I sense other family is there too.  But the majority of my awareness is focused on the contents of this museum.  First, there is a room with a wooden floor filled with several small dogs of different breed.  These are no ordinary dogs--they are half alive and half taxidermy.  The dogs eyes are very much alive..they can move their gaze, and they look imploringly at me.  I see their spirit is very much alive inside them, they are sentient beings, fully aware of their surroundings, fully feeling, fulling sensing.  But they are physically frozen.  They cannot move.  Only their eyes and spirit animate.  And I may be the only one in the musueum that notices this.  Here they are, frozen "pieces" on display like furniture for people to drop by and visit on their little tour.  I'm definatley aware that my mother and other family are present in theis room, with this "display".  But I'm aware of them as a presence ini the background despite being right near me.  My focus is on the poor dogs, the museum "display" room to see something other than this creepy, sad display.  The other room is much smaller.  It is a tiny room, with wooden floor and nothing in it other than an old fashioned tv set.  This must be the focus or piece for this room.  The old tv.  It is not on.  I notice a window in this room, and I look out of it, to the blue water outside.  I woke up at this point, feeling I hadn't seen what I was supposed to see.  Perhaps I should have turned on the tv for a message.  Why would the dream bring me here?    Was I supposed to visit this musueum (revist my past) despite my reluctance?see

Dream Interpretation / Sneaking Coat
« on: April 20, 2013, 06:26:32 AM »
Dreamt I saw a winter coat I liked.  It was a large, puffy, black coat.  Well insulated.  Knew it wasn't mine, but I sneakily, smoothly put in on as if it were.  With the goal of walking out of here with a new coat! I figured no one would notice, no one would miss it, and I could easily pass it off as my own without much effort.  The only effort would be just the slightest bit of sneakiness on my part--acting like it was mine.

Well, it turned out there was a girl there who realized her coat was missing.  We were in a classroom with lots of other students.  She stood right beside me and bemoaned the loss of her coat.  She did not, however realize that I was wearing her coat.  No, that never crossed her mind or anyone else's.  Instead, it was the sight of me in the coat that made her cry with sadness and longing since it reminded her of her missing coat.  She told me my coat reminded her of hers and that's why she was so sad.  "I had a coat like that..." she sobbed. 

Well, I had not anticipated anyone crying over a coat.  As I observed her, I realized she wanted the coat far more than I did.  I felt guilty and wanted to soothe her, yet still did not want to get "caught" for my sneakiness.  I didnt' want the coat anymore.  Just wanted to make her feel better.  I offered her my own actual coat (a red one) that I had on hand beside me.  No, she shook her head, uninterested.  She didn't want it.   She continued to cry over the loss of the coat.  It was like she was crying over a lost loved one.  Darn it, I thought...I would never have attempted to sneak away with this coat on if I'd known it would have this effect on someone.  I took off the black coat and gave it to her.  She accepted it.  She had no idea it was really her coat all along though.  I watched her as she was absorbed in reuniting with it, she was giving it attention like a long lost child or love or something.  While she was so absorbed, I wondered if I should attempt to retrieve something from inside the winter gloves that were attached to the coat.  I suddenly remembered that in my earlier attempt to gain access to the coat, I'd had a piece of paper with the owner's name and password, which I'd left evidence of my "hacking" attempt inside the gloves.  I make a motion with my hands to swiftly snatch the gloves (in order to destroy the password evidence I'd left there) but decide its too risky.  I decide to give up covering my tracks and just let the chips fall where they may.  She has her coat back.  If she finds the evidence of my sneaky actions, so be it.  I just wished I'd never gone down this path to begin with.

Dream Interpretation / Newly Discovered Apartment
« on: March 29, 2013, 11:21:06 AM »
I dreamt I ran into an old childhood friend just outside my barn/garage.  He was walking through and we stopped to chat.  I told him I'd seen him walking through town a few times, but I was never fully certain it was him.  I asked if he lived nearby.  To my surprise he continues to walk toward me, right into the barn, and says that "Yes, I live here" gesturing inside the barn.  And he said he'd been living there for awhile now.  I am stunned since this is my barn and I had no idea he had made a place to live for himself here.  Right under my nose.  Befuddled, I stammer "You live here?? What? Where???"  And he proceeds to show me a secret slip of a doorway.  It is a narrow entrance way made out of the old wood.  I follow him up the secret passage way and am amazed when it opens up to reveal an awesome fully furnished apartment.  Who knew?  I am wonderfully surprised by this wonderful living space I had no idea existed.  It's spacious.  I follow him and there is just room after room.  Each turn around the corner is another surprise.  Right away I notice its decor--antique, rustic, valueable and quirky furniture.  I admire the antique chairs handmade long ago from beautiful wood.  (I love antique touches).  I was pleasantly surprised by this secret apartment.  Each step we took further into it revealed more rooms, more surprises.  It was fully decorated.  In fact, the deeper into this apartment we went it seemed to me to be a shop of some kind..there was so much interesting and valueable stuff.  Before I know it, its no longer just he and me there, lots of people are there.  It very much has the feel of a store or antique, specialty shop.  Lots of people I don't know are there, milling about, exploring all the items in the place as if its for public admiration or consumption.  Almost like a musuem or tourist site.  I feel propriety for this place.  It's my property.  And its also where he lives.  Its ours.  I feel very good about the place, like I wasn't expecting it and can't believe my luck that this exists. And had existed for so long without my knowing. 
As I walk about the rooms in the apartment, there are now so many people here.  I'm still discovering and admiring the contents of the place.  There are strings of gemstones and reflective jewelry/art from floor to ceiling in one corner of a room.  That's new to me.  I keep walking around.  All the people are here to look at the stuff inside the apartment.  Antique lamps, furniture..lots of different stuff..I see a couple young men sitting at a table admiring some gemstone rocks.  I notice one of the boys' energy as he admires some of the rocks while I pass.  He seems to be acting to me.  Faux interest, over the top interest.  To distract me.  I see he has a muddy green knapsack on the table and I intuitively know he stole some of the gemstones by stuffing it in his bag.  I call him out on it.  He denies it with a touch of humor and lightness, and tries to deflect.  So I physically reach into his bag and retrieve the items he'd concealed.  I knew he'd planned on taking from us, betting I'd never notice since there was so much activity going on, so many people, and the place busy with so many items blooming all over the place.  Everything in the apartment were things I liked and admired and wished to have one day.  Including the various rough gemstones.  Which to me represent different things, like power, protection, light, energy etc.  Everything in the place was deemed valuable to me and the apartment simply sprouted with all the things I valued.  However, I became angry at this guy for trying to deceive me and take from me with slight of hand.  It wasn't the taking of the gemstones that bothered me, but I feared the aspect of his powerplay, my greatest fear was the idea of not knowing when someone was tricking, deceiving me in order to secretly take away from me.  This boy sat there and presented himself to me like a kind, respectable guy, admiring me and my establishment.  He wanted me to buy that lie.  When in reality he did not respect me and was nice only as a cover in order to take from me.  I cannot stand facades when they are used to cloak ill intent.  My greatest fear is being disempowered by trickery, for I've learnt over and over again to the point of conditioning that people are not what they protray themselves to be, and most are all about empowering themselves by taking from the less powerful.  When the boys lied so smoothly and acted to naturally to hide the attempted theft, it brought out that particular dynamic thats been  the theme of my life.  So what started out as a surprisingly wonderful revealing dream, ended on a note of warning danger.  I retrieved my gem rocks, said stern words to the would be theives (the other boy was his conspirator) and suddenly generated thoughts that it was a bad idea to have all these people here.  I wanted them all to leave.  It wasn't safe.  I was risking my values, my space, my property, and perhaps my relationship with the friend who lived there by letting these people have free range in my/our environment.  It seemed to be a boundaries dream.  How to have people in my life without being taken from, overpowered, tricked, taken advantage of? That has been the recurring theme in my life so no wonder I am dreaming about the issue.  Seems its an issue that isn't going to go away.

Last week I dreamt a teenage (or early 20s) boy rushed down to a riverbank where he had discovered the skeletal remains of a young child.  The clothes were still there.  He wanted to solve the mystery of what happened to this child.  He ushered an authoritive figure down there and told him of his plans to investigate.  The key aspect of this investigation involved him diving into the river to get to the bottom of things.  I watched as he relayed his plans.  I had no idea how deep the river was.  No idea where the bottom was.  By now a crowd was gathering along the riverbank.  The teenager dove into the water.  Soon after that a younger boy dived in after him.  They both disappeared underwater for a long time.  Everyone waited. And waited...and waited for them to reappear.  But the surface of the water was still.  It seems they'd disappeared.  Minutes go by.  Everyone waited nervously until that gave way to the feeling that it was hopeless and they didn't make it and weren't coming back.  After an unrealistic length of time, the older boy emerges.   Everyone is surprised.  No sign of the little boy though.  Then after even more time passes, the younger child surfaces.  Everyone is shocked at this, as it seemed impossible to have survived without oxygen for that amount of time.  The crowd erupts in cheers.  The crowd grows even larger and it seems there are camera crews around because this is so extraordinary and miraculous.  Everyone assumed they were dead.  It was such a shock to see them re-emerge alive after all that time underwater, that it turned people's sense of reality upside down and energized them. 

Dream Interpretation / Damaged with little chance of Healing
« on: June 13, 2012, 02:54:21 AM »
After praying for God's help to heal and overcome trauma's which have broken me and kept me stuck, I recieved this dream:
I'm in a place I haven't been in a long, long time.  It's my childhood bedroom.  I see my young hand. Suddenly it is pierced by a long sharp needle-like silver object.  It goes all the way through my finger.  A sharp, deep, intense pain.  Initially, I'd thought it was just a needle, and would only pierce the top layers of my skin but it went all the way through and out the other side of my finger.  I didn't intitally realize a needle could be used in such a dangerous, harmful way.  I removed it.  However, this is when I realize just how deep the stab was.  Once I removed it I saw that my finger was completely sliced through so that it had cut off the top portion of my finger.  Completely unattached.  Totally severed.  I tried to place it back on, joining it back to my finger, but it was a superficial "keeping it together."  It was for appearances only so it could look like I had a whole finger and a "normal" hand.  The truth was they were no longer attached.  The truth was I had half a finger.  I was amputated. A clear severing, not even dangling by a thread.  No fibers were attached.  Part of my hand was completely cut off from itself.   Yet I put the top of my finger back onto the rest of the finger from which it had been severed and willed, prayed for it to gel and reattached somehow.  But it just wasn't working.  Not even on a minute cellular level.  No physical healing. No magical healing.  The parts of my hand were not reuniting.  I asked God, or whatever higher presense was there with me "What can be done to get this healed?  I can't just leave it like this. Tell me what to do, who to go to for help. There must be a specialist, a surgeon with the skills to heal this?"
I can't be expected to continue to go through the rest of my life carrying around a raw peice of meat and passing it off as my finger.  Or worse, walking around with no finger, just a bloody stub.  I've been at this for years, surely something can be done, if not medicine, then prayer, help from above if no help is to be found on earth.  The answer I received was an unsatisfying and unconvincing "Maybe with time it will heal."
Although I am dreaming I know this dream is an answer to my prayer, an answer to my call for help in healing damage from years of abuse and conditioning, a sort of brainwashing.  It was very unsatisfying to hear "maybe" it will heal with time.  When I'd already been languishing unhealed for years.  I was very clear in my prayer.  If there was something I could do to move on from it, if there was anything that could be done on this earth, and if not then an appeal to spiritual help.  The answer was there was nothing I could do, nor any other person, nor even God.  Just wait some more, and MAYBE time will heal it.  Since this voice was from higher source, it was disheartening.  I took it to mean I am meant to go through life damaged.  Like it's my life contract to simply live with crippling damage. 
The dream so accurately reflected back to me my real life situation:  being damaged, then separated from myself spirutally, personality-wise, no longer whole; and my masking this damage (placing the severed half of my finger back onto it's other half, tying it together, gluing it together...all superficial, for appearances only. Once I stopped holding them together they fell apart).  In life, I hide my damage.  If all the preceeding aspects of the dream were true to form, then why not the words from above?  In other words, there's nothing that can be done about the damage.  There's iffy chance I'll ever be whole again, but maybe with time, maybe there's a chance it will heal with time.  I've had plenty of time.  Time seems so passive, so ...out of my hands.  So disempowering.  Yet I asked for the answer to my question and I received it.

Dream Interpretation / Dream Shows 2 Life Options
« on: March 12, 2012, 05:40:33 AM »
I dreamt I was some kind of performer, singer, entertainer.  Some kind of child performer who'd known no other life.  My life was a life lived onstage, to put on a show for the public. It was all about image.  For others.  I lived with my family. I performed onstage for the public, putting on shows.  That was the totality of my life.  A boxed in life, lived for others.  For my family (who weren't good for me, and our connection was fake at best).  And for the public at large (who I also didn't have a true connection with, obviously).   It was all I knew.  My only way to make a living.  To live.  I was getting ready to put on another show, another performance.  Much of my life was devoted to preparing for each performance and today was no exception.  I had to prepare my appearance, my voice, my energy.  All outward directed to perfection (for others, it was a performance for them, and not my true self).  But today, it was a problem for me.  I could no longer muster up the energy to fullfill it.  Not properly, anyway.  I could half-ass it, but I knew I couldn't cut it.  On all levels, I was not up to the task.  I was tired, exhausted.  Trying to force myself to carry another performance through.  I felt like an imposter.  Whatever talent I had for this had faded and I knew it.  I didn't want to do it.  Yet, I felt I had nothing else to do.  It was this or wither into passivity.  Or so I thought.  Suddenly I'm presented with an alternate option.  A voice tells me (I simultaneously receive this message as written word) that I have two choices:  this fake life with my family (and public performing) OR to run off with a childhood friend.  In the dream they called him "Cilas."  No idea why or what that name means but I heard it and then I saw it flash in front of me on the phone.  I could choose Cilas, but it would mean running away from my current life, cutting all ties, and starting over completely anew.  No more family.  No more money. No more stability.  Actually, homelessness seemed likely.  No career, no home, nothing.  But Cilas.  Initially, I refused.  I walked away from the running away with Cilas option.   But a moment later I had a change of heart.  But now I didnt' know how to reach Cilas.  A different childhood friend helped me look him up.  We did a trace on his call (Cilas had called me earlier).  Apparently Cilas had called us from someone else's phone.  A "Ryan Trachan."  So we tracked this Ryan down, and finally got in touch with Cilas. 
Next thing I know, the scene is now a life with me and Cilas.  It's like we are circus people.  We perform high up in the air, just the two of us.  Twirling around artfully.  No audience.  I guess we were practicing.  The police show up and demand us to get down.  We were very high up and I suppose they thought it was dangerous.  But once on the ground he and I gather around a fire.  There are several other people around us.  We both perform for them.  Or for ourselves I shoudl say.  Singing, painting, it seemed we were doing almost magical stuff with our surroundings...and people gathered to watch.  For a moment I pause and simply watch "Cilas" performing.  He was doing something artistic, I don't know if it was dancing or what, but I sat there and took it in and thought to myself "Wow..what he/we are doing is so beautiful and meaningful.  There's so much talent expressed and its expressed joyfully.  And we're not famous or doing it for other people or rich (like I apparently was before I ran off with him).  We're basically homeless vagabonds, circus like traveling people.  No wide spread recognition. No home. Yet, I'm aware that what we're doing with our time and art is so much more beautiful and rich and rewarding on a real personal level.  I thought of my old life as a famous singer, all the recognition, the money, the safety...yet I was also surrounded by fakery, fake family, fake relationships, my whole life was devoted to putting on a show for the public.  Now here I was without fame, home, family, money, ...and we were so much more talented than my old self prior.  So much more richly rewarding was life here with Cilas.  And we performed out of a genuine joy, not because it was a job, not to please others.  But to please ourselves.  And people were starting to trickle in and enjoy the art we were displaying.  Small scale audience, but big time joy on a personal level.

I awoke after having this thought.  This dream parallels my real life in that I have a choice to make.  End my whole way of life by leaving my family behind for good (and it is a fake family, we fake normalcy,fake relationships with each other for the public, my whole family pretends our parents are loving normal parents when they are in fact abusive).  Due to the family dynamic, if I leave, it will be for good.  I often feel like I'd need to be in the witness protection program if I chose to leave!  I fear homelessness, etc, so the feelings in my dream are true to life. 

The dream's message seemed to indicate that leaving would ultimately result in my happinesss.  And that happiness resides not in what other people think or want from me, but in what brings me joy on a personal, instrinsic level.

Dream Interpretation / Dream with guide's message
« on: March 12, 2012, 05:01:23 AM »
The dream began in a movie theatre with kids I went to school with. ( I should note too that my "guides" for lack of another word are often beside me in my dreams, and they were seated next to me here as well.  By guides, I mean simply these are recurrent characters I've come to know in my dreams for years.  They each have their own personality and it seems each one comes to me for a specific recurrent issue.  I know one guide shows up for guidance about a certain relationship in my life, another guide for another relationship or potential relationship, etc. This particular guide always shows up in dreams about a particular guy and this dream was no exception.  I call her a  guide because thats the function she/they seem to serve.  They're usually by my side, and whenever they do speak, it is always pertenent to my real life situation.)

Back to the dream...I'm in a movie theatre with my school peers.  A movie is playing but the drama is unfolding in the audience.  The guy in question is throwing objects up at the screen.  Of course, this gets a reaction from the audience.  He throws again, only this time it doesn't hurl quite far enough to reach the screen...instead it lands up in the front of the audience and you can hear excited yelps.  This is just the kind of jocular stunt this guy would have pulled in real life.  He was the typical jock, all about fun (often at someone else's expense) and it's why I would have nothing to do with him in real life.  (He liked me, I would have nothing to do with him).  I recalled him encouraging bullying to escalate due to his jocular cluelessness.  Here I am in the dream, witnessing him back to his old antics.  He gets the audience riled up with mischief.  I don't join in the fun.  Because I know where this "fun" can lead.  Stirring up a crowd in the name of "fun" by young jocks can quickly lead to bullying, mob mentality, and usually ends in harm to one or two unfortunate targets.  I just sit there, not partaking in the "fun" of rambunctious, obnoxiousness.  My arms are crossed.  I'm enduring this environment, tense, waiting until it passes.  The next thing I know he has moved from his seat to the seat right in front of me.  He starts talking to me.  I give him the cold shoulder.  But he keeps talking to me.  Suddenly he grabs my foot and pulls from inside my shoe the very same kind of object he's been using to throw at the movie screen.  He did this playfully and I am so surprised by it I let up a bit and jokingly ask how that got there and is he a magician?  

This leads to a change of scene.  Everyone is now outdoors and we are moving towards the field to play baseball.  As we're all walking toward this destination, this guy is again beside me and talking to me.  I'm back to feeling wary of him.  All I can say is I feel frozen, tense, and it's like I'm just enduring this interaction with him until he moves away.  I brought some papers or paper towels? because I felt the group might need some kind of supplies for this outdoor excursion (I didn't know how long an excursion it would be, but it felt like we would not be going back indoors anytime soon and this was a new departure and a new experience).  He looked at the white object (paper?) in my hands and asked "Where did you get that?"  I'm not open or genuine with him, I just say whatever to satisfy his question and move on.  I dismissively told him a friend gave it to me, although I was aware I had no idea how I got it, it may be that I simply came upon it.  He curtly replies "Nate didn't give you that."  Nate is another guy who'd asked me out and I'd recently been reconsidering, viewing him as a possible option.  For some reason when he said this it seemed significant.  It made me stop in my tracks.  He walked on ahead to the baseball game.  I could tell he was "miffed" at me.
Scene three...I play the game.  I'm in the outfield.  Catching all the balls that fly out there.  But on the third catch the umpire fails to call it right.  He ignores my catch and let's the hitter run all the way home.  There were at least two other players that ran past home base because I was stunned that the empire hadn't heeded my catch.  What's happening? I wondered.  Then I turn to my right and one of my dream "guides" is there.  This is the guide that always shows up whenever the dream is about this particular guy.  And she tells me no one saw my catch because I was out there alone in the outfield.  No one caught me catching it!  

I have a little ah ha moment.  I may be doing good things, but there won't be recognition in the game of life if I'm too far removed.  Or out there alone, as my guide said.  I can't successfully play the game of life from afar.  I need to be closer to people, both good and bad, it's all part of life.  

Right after my guides words, I woke up.

Dream Interpretation / Kitten Rescue
« on: May 08, 2011, 07:22:04 PM »
I dreamt I was amongst my family thismorning at an outdoor park (which is where I would have been today (mother's day) had I not chosen to go no-contact.  Yes, I still see my parents, but I now forgo family get-togethers for the most part.  I'd long ago stopped thinking of myself as a family member (by age 11) I was never treated like one, even though I'd go through the motions during family events and put on the appearance of normalcy for everyone elses sake.  I had no choice then. But in reality, my family was dysfunctional, abusive toward me, the only time I was treated decently was in public, usually at family holdidays or get-togethers where everyone was there or it was in public. But this wouldn't last, once out of the public "show" the mistreatment would always resume.  That's how I learnt as a young kid that I wasn't  REALLY a member of the family, it was only for show.  My mother would abuse me behind closed doors, and my younger siblings followed her lead in mistreating me behind closed doors and then putting on a good show for outsiders.  They learnt from my mother this Dr. Jeykl/Mr. Hyde behavior, so that no one would know how mean they were as long as they acted like angels ini front of everyone else.  No one ever saw the abuse, it always happened in private, outsiders only saw the good face they put on...So I was powerless, knew no one would bellieve me, and simply withdrew into myself.  There was no point in telling anyone what they did.  It would always be denied. And when your mother and most of your family is against you..its so overpowering for a child, there really is nothing to do but accpt it.  Yet now, as a young adult I've decided the less I see of these people, the better off I am. 

Here is the dream:  I'm outside in the grass amongst my family.  We're in a public park.  Actually, I'm not really with the rest of my family, I'm just there, nearby until my brother and his wife ask me to fetch their bees for them.  They had 3 trays of live bees way off in the distance and they wanted me to bring them to them.  I have doubts about my ability to do this.  I've no experience with bees, let alone a colony of them.  Three colonies in fact.  I agree to, but ask if I can use their car (which is where the bees are currently) to drive them here.  They say No to this.  They are quite firm, I am NOT to use their car.  They think it might damage their car (the bees might get loose, the ride might be to bumpy, they don't want their car to drivve off-road across the field) So they tell me to use my car. Or walk.  But don't use their car for the transport of their bees.  So I walk off across the field.  I carry the tray of bees.  The trays are caked with honey and the bees are within that honey.  At least a few of them are.  I examine the tray of honey and realise there aren't that many bees in there. Basically, it's a tray of gooey honey with a few bees or bee parts swimming around.  Worried, I yell back to them aout the status of their bees.  My brother's wife shouts back to me that they must have flown away, left the trays because the field, the outdoors here was too enticing.  Since they seem to have expected thiks, I continue on across the field,finish transporting what remains of the bees...
But when I come to the edge of the field, as I approach man-made structure, and see a house up aheead, with a street and cars...I come across aa drainage ditch of sorts.  There is a plastic bucket, like a kid's beach bucket, turned upside down over this drain or hole.  I notice it because the bucket shifts and moves.  Something, some small animal is beneath that bucket.  I pause.  It's likely a rat or a mouse.  Yet..what if it's a kitten? I decide to lift the bucket.  I cast it aside.  There is a white kitten struggling against being pulled down this drain.  It looks awful.  Some animal (a rat) has it's teeth gripped firmly on the kitten and is smooshing it down into the small hole.  If I do nothing the kitten with be dragged down and sucked underground, killed.  If it gets sucked down underground completely I'll never be able to recover it.  The center of its body was being sucked and yanked violently down so that onlybits of its head remained above the ground.  It was awful to watch this kitten, too big to be smososhed down this tiny hole inthe ground, nevertheless being forced down it.  I leaned down and pulled the kitten out!  It was a beautiful white kitten.  But its not over because once I pulled him out I see there's ANOTHER white kitten in the same position.  This kitten is even smaller, much smaller, fragile, and weaker.  It's raggedy.  It's eyes are red (and because of this I have a fleeting fear that it might be a mouse and for that reason I consider backing away,...but no..it's definately a kitten, just a very weak, sick, kitten.  It is suffering so much more than the other kitten was.  The other kitten was healthy, robust.  This one I can see has had a rough time of it for a very long time and was ill for it.  In very poor shape.  It was being yanked and torn underground much more violently than the previous kitten.  And it had been underground until just now.  My rescuing the other kitten freed up space so that this raggedy one couldget some air.  I had even less to grab, less of the kitten was exposed above ground, so I reached inand pulled in out, with difficulty, despite my fears.  Some people would recoil (and a part of me considered this for a bit)from the sight of this kitten.  It was truly tiny, ragged, red eyed, in such poor shape from the hell it endured that it began to look less and less like a recognizable kitten, not cute at all.  One had to look and see that it was trully a kitten and not a mouse.  It had been in that unatural awful undergraound hell so long it had weakened  from that environment to the point where its outward appeaance kind of resembled the rat that had dragged it it down.  Theodd thing was, the instant I pulled that sick kitten out of ground, another robuse healthy kitten emerged.  From where I'm not sure.  It was just suddenly there, with us.. Above ground.  It was a black kitten.  I didn't pull it up.  So I wonder if my rescuing the other kittens freed up the path so that this black kitten could get itself out , or perhaps this kitten wasn't down the hole to begin with.  It was sudden.  I rescued the weakened white kitten, and bam! Suddenly this black kitten was there right beside us.  All kittens were now safe.

Dream Interpretation / Series of Dreams in One Night
« on: April 24, 2011, 05:08:33 AM »
I had a series of dreams last night...In the first one I am in a grocery store.  I'm holding tight to my white cat becuase I don't want her to get loose and lost or hurt.  She has always been an indoor cat.  But in order to keep up with my family I have to carry her through all the different environments my family takes us.  In the grocery store, she gets loose from my arms for a moment, and trots forward to a man with his grocery cart. He also, oddly, has a cat in the store with him.  It's a white cat as well.  I see the two cats together and a flicker of worry crosses my mind, as they look so similiar, I don't want to get them mixed up.  My primary concern all along throught this dream is maintaining the safety of my cat.  But then the man's cat turns around to face me and I see that it is identical in everyway EXCEPT for it's eyes--which are huge, like an owl's.  So I'm relieved there is a marker to differentiate them.  I remark to the man about his cat's big eyes, and he seems pleased with me for noticing.  But then I see that my mother is out of sight and moving to leave the store and go off to another location with my family, so I hurry off to catch up. 
Following my family takes me to another foreign place.  A hotel. Feels like a vacation or temporary living situation for them.  As always, the cat is firmly in my arms.  I'm focused on ensuring her safety at all times.  I don't like that my family has put me in this postition.  The white cat shouldn't be here with them at all.  Why did they bring her?  The price is that I have to put all my energy into keeping her safe every second.  I know if I didn't hold her tight, she'd be gone..lost, and we'd never see her again.  She could get hurt or run over, or trapped, the possabilitites are endless.  This is a cat we've always kept shletered indoors.  It's not a dog that comes when you call it.  The others don't seem to care abot her wellfare so it's all on me.  I'm thinking all this as I try to keep up with them.  If anything happened to her, I'd be devastated.  Perhaps I should not try to be with my family if this is what I have to go through.
Next...I'min my preteens.  I'm with another male being (not sure if he was human or what, I just knew he wasa male friend and ally).  We are travelling along a difficult river. We are being hunted and under attack at the same time, we're trying to navigate this river on foot.  We're trying to get away to safety.  When the river becomes more strenuous to traverse, my friend, who has become weakened by the injuries from attack and the stress of the perilous river, dies.  I felt such saddness at this.  he was simply to weak to make it through all of this.  The river was too much for him and he died right there in the water.  I had to go on witout him.  It was devastingly sad because I felt his presense as so alive and real, he was a good hearted friend, and now he was gone.  His precious life was gone.  The river was violent, and I was still being fired upon and chased, so I kept moving forward through the river....
Next...there are two young children who've been kidknapped by a manThey follow behind this man as he leads them deeper and ddeeper into the remote woods.  What they didn't kow was that the authoriies (police, fbi) are onto this man.  They eventurally track us and recover the two kidss.  A boy and a girl.  They appeared identical, except that the girl was slightly taller. But they both had the same shaped face, hair an deyes. They were like twins.  Anyway, the authorites recovered the kids.  And they discovered that this man had killed several people and stacked their bodies up in a secret dumping ground.  They did not catch the man. However they recovered the kids alive. And they discovered the evil this man had done to others.  It was revealed from the authorities that the man planned to abuse the girl.  But miraculously, she was alive and safe now, amongst other people who'd rescued them.  I noticed the girl's eyes.  They were blue. But not light colored, as one would normally associated with blue eyes.  They were a dark, dark blue, almost navy with deep purple highlights.  Very dark blue.  And they were large almond shaped eyes, the center attraction of her little face.  Everything else about her was so small, small oval face, tiny jaw, tiny nose, small mouth, it was as if you really had totake the time to look at her to notice anything other than those eyes.  It was like the rest of her features were irrelevant, no one would notice anything but the eyes, which were startinling center peice of her face.  Not just the color, but the big, far set eyes were the feature that stood out among everything else.  You didn't notice the rest of her face. unless you forced yourself to.  The girl is then swept into a new situation where her life becomes well known.  There is a book and then a movie with Oprah Winfrey someohow involved, producing or promoting.  It's all about her life, what she endured, how she survived.  It was a highly unusual life compared to most people, so her story kind of galvanized the world, shook the world's attention.
When I awoke from this series of dreams the feeling that stuck with me most were saddness for the friend who couldn't make it past the river...and the striking eyes of the girl.  No human on earth has eyes like that. It stays with you.

Dream Interpretation / Brother on the Run from Authorities
« on: April 22, 2011, 02:56:00 AM »
I dreamt I was in a place far from home, yet it seemed to be where I was staying.  A small room. My brother (who I've been estranged from since childhood except for unavoidable family holidays, at which time we "act" pleasant enough and put on a normal exterior facade of "family") and his girlfriend showed up in the room with me.  They point to writing on the wall which shows I've let 17 days pass after his birthday and didn't send any acknowledgment in that time.  They feel I'm bad and point to this as evidence.  This is funny becuase I feel he's doing this to point the finger back at me and deflect away the reason I've avoided him all these years. Recently I've started to decline family holidays.   (I was bullied and abused growing up and though he took part in some of it, the main issue is that he covered it up when a parent abused me, it was fine with him that I was the scapegoat, he clearly enjoyed it.  So I detached myself mentally from him long ago and viewed him for what he was (another tormentor, a bully, a Nazi to my parent's Hitler).  To summarize, even though for years I'd have to go through the motions and pretend to everyone that we were a normal family, inside I knew they weren't truly family, and I 'd just suck it up and endure the interaction (the staged play) until it was over.  But lately, I no longer wish to do even that.  I simply don't show up.  And the dream seemed to show my brothers response to that.  Defensive, blaming.  He felt angry and that he'd never done anything wrong.  I was just being bad and tactless for not acknowledging him in his major life events!  I just stand there and take in their reaction.  Inside I think, here we go again...he refuses to see WHY I absent myself from him as much as possible. 

Then they are gone in a flash....Because they FBI is after them.  Some sort of secret, powerful, underground government agency.  A few of these men are now in my room and they mean serious business.  They drill me, ask me where my brother is and if I know where "Peter" is.  I have no idea who Peter is.  Mymind races to fill in the gaps.  I wonder if he is someone my brother accidently killed and now they're on the run.  I honestly tell the man, I have no idea who Peter is.  But when they ask about my brother, I do feel protective (maybe loyal is the word) and I don't let on that he was just here a few moments ago.  This man looked like a serious undercover agent, strong, sharp, all business. He looked like he was from the military..  I knew they were on my brother's trail land were serious, professional, relentless.  I wondered if I'd get in trouble (or tortured even) if I couldn't tell them where he was.  I truly didn't know where he was or what he'd done that they were after him.  It must of been bad.  Like he'd stolen billions or killed someone important.  They also kept asking me where "Peter" was, a man and name I didn't know.  "Where is he?"  Grilling me.
What might this dream mean?  I don't think the FBI men represented me becuase I havn't been after my brother or tried to hold him responsable for his part at all.  I've never said a word to him. The only thing I've done is wisely avoid him.  I can't safely say why to him or any other family memeber,Iv've learnt thats a dangerous and follish thing to do.  I'd backfire.  Silence and withdrawl have been my only options.  So I doubtmy brother sees me as symbolized by theose fbi men...I don't and never have tried to hold him accountable for his actions. So what is this dream trying to convey to me?

Dream Interpretation / Three Part Dream
« on: April 22, 2011, 02:11:54 AM »
Three part dream...
1. I'm inside a house. My mother informs me there is to be a big group trip or expedition, but I don't want to join the group for this journey.  I decline.  They depart on the expedition (an outdoorsy trip where they all walk through the landscape, sort of like a glorified hike).  After they've gone out of sight I have second thoughts. Perhaps I'm missing out?  So I leave the confines of the house and go outside by myself. I walk leisurely along through the hills, the meadows, the green gently rolling landscape.  It's gorgeous. I've always loved being amongst nature.  I come to a river.  I intuitively know that the group was here at this spot recently.  I realise I'm not far behind them. I'm catching up.  I cross the river.  I wade into what appears to be the beginning of a forest.  There are trees here, and as I stand beside one I look up ahead of me and see the leader of the expedition.  The other group members must be scattered about even further ahead becuase I don't yet see them, but I can hear them.  I can see the leader, however, and he and I speak.  He looked like my father physically, but in the dream I didn't think he was my father, he didn't have his personality, and I identified him as the leader of the expedition, someone I didnt know in any other capacity but that.  This part of the dream ended here, with my having caught up to the group, specifically the leader.
2. Next I'm inside a waiting area with my fiance.  There are rows of chairs and he and I sit there in the front row. I felt this was a public place, as other people were there as well.  In the dream my fiance is the actor/commediane Russell Brand. In real life I've never seen a movie of his, I only know the general bit about his lifestory...overcoming difficult times, and turning his life around for the better.  In the dream I related to that aspect of him, it was for that reason I felt he was the one for me and we had a connection because we'd both been through awful first chapters of our lives, suffered, and were more compassionate,people becuase of it.  I'd always thought I could never trust someone who hadn't survived a horrible early life like me.  Who else could understand what we'd been through?  So I liked and trusted him very much for who he is and how his life's experiences shaped him.  However, in the dream I also won't marry him.  I won't tell anyone about our relationship. I've just got him in limbo there.  I'll be with him, care about him, agreed to be engaged to him (and truly didn't want to be with anyone else but him) yet I could offer nothing more.  I couldn not take one step further. So we just sat there. In those chairs.  Like a waiting room.  Suddenly we see a very pregnant dog in the open room in front of us.  The poor thing was suffering greatly and unable to give birth.  It was heart wrenching to watch.  I ws afraid she'd die in the process.  The puppies just wouldn't come out.  Then my "fiance" encourages the dog with gentl words.  Somehow the dog gives birth, painfully, to her first pup, becuase a slit suddenly seared open in the dogs belly, just like a c-section scar, and out came the first puppy, although even with the slit it was difficult and for the longest time it appeared that wouldn't be enough either. But the first puppy came.  The dog was still suffering however.  A voice said there was 7 or 9 more puppies still to come.  But suddenly a grouop of nurses arrive to the brightly lit room and take the mother dog away , to the emergency room.  I sighed with releif thath help had finally arrived.
3. The scene switches instantly once again. This time I leave the waiting room and walk into a more relaxed area.  People are sitting at tables, lounges.  And I notice that ever person in here (and the room is filled with people) has their own golden retriever.  Actually, every person had 2 golden dogs of their own.  It was as if the mother through all her suffering had managed to provide all these wonderful loyal guides for all the people.  In the dream, the sight of the dogs at each persons side, reminded me of each person having their own guradian angel or spirit guid.  It was like thedog had gifted human beings with extra help.  That was the outcome of her suffering.  Then someone approaches me as I'm walking through the room, and they ask me if I'd like my own dog as well.  This new world, everyone had their own dog, or 2 or 3.  They were abundant.  My automatica response was to decline (dogs are a big comitment).  I'd love the dog too much if I had one, always be concerned about their wellbeing.  For as long as they were alive.  So I wasn't sure I wanted that kind of committment a.  Yes, I liked the dogs, but I didn't want to be attached and responsible, committed for life.

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