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Dream Interpretation / Pets in Dreams
« on: December 04, 2016, 10:47:12 AM »
I was wondering if deceased pets can visit you in dreams, or if it's just our dreaming minds conjuring up what we need to see to work out our feelings?  Is there a way to tell the difference?

Dream Interpretation / Money Dream
« on: December 04, 2016, 10:10:55 AM »
Dreamt I was on a date.  While we were heading towards the movie area to pay, I suddenly decided to contribute half.  I felt good about doing this, and looked in my wallet beforehand just to make certain I had plenty--I did; I was flush with cash.  I knew I was, but I just wanted to know it was right where I put it.  Still safely in my wallet. 

Well, I announce that I'll pay my way and wouldn't you know when I reach for the money in my wallet, it isn't there.  Just a few bills, maybe a $5.  Not enough.  Where did all the rest of the money go?  I rifle through my wallet again, and again searching.  Where could it have gone?  Did it slip into a pocket or crevice?  Is it really there, but I just am unable to see it?  Baffled, yet feeling this is a situation I've been in many times.  Hence, the incessant checking beforehand...It's like I anticipated when the time would come, it wouldn't be there.  I'm embarrassed and flustered.  I realize this makes me appear flaky and unprepared.  My date doesn't seem to mind, however, and is quite light hearted about it.  He laughs and says its okay, he'll cover me, he wasn't expecting me to pay anyway.  I'm quite flustered.  I've worked hard to save, I have the money, yet it inexplicably isn't available when I need to access it!  It just slips away when I need it!  It's the feeling of working hard to be prepared, to actually be prepared, with all your ducks in a row...yet it doesn't matter because all that preparation magically and suddenly poofs and disappears when called upon. It's like when you're super responsible and conscientious, yet all anyone ever gets to see is apparent carelessness and bumbling ineptitude or irresponsibility.  I ask myself, How can this be happening???

Next, I seem to shift into a separate dream sequence.  This time I'm with younger children, pre-teens.  I may be a teenager myself at this point, I'm not sure. I feel like we're all close in age.  We retreat into their house.  I resembles my grandmother's.  It's nightime.  Once inside, I become concerned about the front door.  It's cardboard thin.  Flimsy.  Anyone could push through it and enter at any time.  I don't feel we're safe.  I call attention to the door.  One of the kids says "No worries!" and IMMEDIATELY  the floor drops beneath us and we all rapidly descend deep under the house, deep into the earth, like a secret elevator room.  It just keeps going down, down, into the earth.   I was relieved that they had this to protect them.  They showed me that if any intruder tried to break in, they could push a button and instantly disappear from the house itself by burrowing deep into the earth in secret.  I thought this was a rather elaborate workaround in lieu of fixing the door.  Instead of replacing the vulnerable fragile door (it really was a door in appearance only, not function.  It wasn't capable of keeping anything out) they installed this elaborate, advanced, secret evacuation/hide out system. 

I'm not sure how this dream connects with the missing money dream, but they were back to back, so I'm assuming they have some connecting themes??

Dream Interpretation / Relentless Snake
« on: February 15, 2015, 04:24:00 AM »
The dream begins with me outside on a patio with several people.  Center stage seems to be a popular singer lounging in a white beach chair.  He is totally relaxed, luxuriating even, in this chair.  He's leaning back, fully reclined, totally luxuriating in front of everyone as if he's at a spa.  All he needs is the little drink with the umbrella in it.  I observe this, his total ease with claiming the room as if its his. Not caring about all the people around or comporting himself in our presence.  I certainly wouldn't be all splayed out and broadcasting to all such comfortability with my body.  We aren't at a spa.  It's not a bunch of people that know each other all that well.  Its a shared space of strangers and aquaintances.  Its not his patio, but a shared common area. There was something about his doing this right in the middle of all of us that made me wonder about what type of man this guy was.  This cockiness, this blatant basking in luxury without seeming to regard anyone around him.  Either he was VERY at ease with himself and could easily relax in front of anyone and this was an enviable trait, OR, and this is what I really suspected, he was a narcissist, a selfish, self-absorbed man.  I thought that was most likely it, didn't have energy to waste anymore thought on it, and turned away and left.  (I should note that this singer looks like a guy that liked me, who I'd rejected because I did believe him to be spoiled jerk). 

I turned on my heels and left this scene.  Left the patio and started walking away.  I walked outside along a sandy undeveloped road/path.  I am heading towards the ocean. It was more like a trail than a road, an undeveloped or worn road.   with patches of grass and pebbles, and mostly sand.  This is supposed to be a vacation area, but it is not to my liking.  Its not remote enough.  I see telephone or utility poles.  The signs of people and buildings and their dirty presence is felt.  Its not a beautiful, remote, or pristine beach.  Its not far enough away from the usual muck of civilization for me to feel free or replenished.  I don't feel like I'm "getting away" from anything at this "vacation" beach town.  Nevertheless, I'm determined to get to the shore, to touch the ocean water.  I keep walking toward it. 

I reach the shore.  I let the tide run up to me a few times.  I don't feel the connection I should feel to this wonderful earth meets water presence.  I don't feel invigorated or refreshed or connected to it like I expected to.  In fact, I watch the ocean and see it surging with greater power with each wave that rushes up to me.  I feel wary, that danger is pending.  It could sweep me up and drag me out to sea.  I love to admire the ocean, but I cannot swim.  I don't want to get dragged into something I can't escape and drown. Therefore, due to the growing strength and turbulence of the ocean, the possible danger, plus my inability to be truly in the moment and at one with the environment anyway, I turn and leave.  I head back up to the sandy trails. 

Walking away.  As I do so a medium to large sized snake slithers directly toward me.  Its eyes and attention are focused on me in a determined way.  It is a red snake.  Which to me is a sign of danger, as somewhere I recalled the brightly colored varieties are poisionous.  Its not a bright, bright red, only because its color has been a bit dulled by the sandy dirt it writhes in.  But clearly it is a red snake.  Which portends danger and death to me.  I move to get away from it.  However, this thing is driven.  I move away again, and again.  Yet, this snake keeps re-doubling its forces and slithering straight to me.   It keeps getting so close to me.  Too close.  I realize I can't just trot away from it like I'd planned.  It's too close for that.  Is there something wrong with my legs that I can't run away from it fast enough?  Its like my body is slower or weighted down, energy wise.  Or maybe its too late, its just too close for me to run away.  I realize I can't out run it.  It would get me.  So plan number two is to throw sand at it to get it to turn away.  It works for about a second; the sand in the eyes act deters it for a moment, but then its quickly locking its eyes on me and heading right for me once again.  This thing is only 1-3 feet away from me the whole time.  Sometimes it is mere inches away from my hand.  But I quickly scoop up more sand with my hands and hurl it at the snakes head.  I just want it to go away and leave me alone.  I don't want to hurt it.  I just wanted to get away from it.  Now I just want it to go away.  Back and forth several times, it advances (nearly touching me, almost right up on me) but I am able to scrape up the only tool I have in my defense (the sandy dirt road) and fling it at its face.  But this snake is relentlessly pursuing me.  Its unrelenting.  It gets closer everytime.  Finally I realize I can't stave it off any longer.  The thing is going to get me.  I'll have to do something else.  What I'm loathe to do.  Its now too close to me for me to fling anything at it.  No time to scoop up sand.  Its practically right up ON me. Just as its about to touch me I grab its head and hold it out away from me so the jaws can't bite me.  I wanted to avoid touching it at all costs, but I had no choice.  I fling it away from me with all my might.  Which turns out only to be a foot or two.  And it swivels its body right back around and comes at me again.  So I get it by the head once again and fling it away from me as far as I can.  Once again, turns out to be not that far.  I am not physically strong or my energy is weakened or something.  This repeats a few more times.  I realize I can't get away from this thing.  I'm not strong enough to throw it away far enough so that I can escape.  Its right back up on me almost instantly.  So I do what I absolutely detest, and only because its down to my life or its life.  No one is here to save me. There is no help.  I'm on my own.  This time when I catch ahold of its head, I don't attempt to toss it away.  That isn't working. Instead I squeeze as hard as I can until the poor things head is squashed in in several places.  Once I see I did it enough damage, then I fling it away.  Its still alive, but I know its only a matter of time.  I feel sickened to have done that to a living creature.  Even if it was a predator.  I'm relieved the struggle is over, that I'm alive, I've survived the attack.  But sickened that my own hands inflicted pain on a living creature and that it will likely die on the side of the road now.  My thoughts turn to fear, aloneness, and also hopelessness.  If I had someone with me they could have protected me.  I could have gotten away without harming anything.  In fact, I probably wouldn't have attracted the predator to begin with had I not been out here alone.  But I felt hopeless and closed off to letting anyone in.  By the end of the dream I felt like I was prey in this world.  Not just to random snakes, but seen as prey by humans as well.  That's why I didn't want to become entangled with anyone.  Relationships felt like entanglements to me, where I was always the prey.  I just felt awfully alone in the world, yet the desire to be with others was not there either.  So there was no remedy to the aloneness.  There was a desolation, yet also a strong desire to get even further away from people. I wanted to get away into pure nature.  Still.  I felt I couldn't feel free or relax until I could get to a place where there are no traces of people.  And this place wasn't it.  Even though it was a vacation area, a beach area, to me it was a letdown, populated by dirty people, or the dirty traces of their existence everywhere.  (Not that the people were actually filthy, its just their presence felt like dirt on me, like an accumulation of junk I NEEDED a break from.  To purge myself clean from.  Its like I was overfull of people and their issues and their ways and just sick of them.  I couldn't get away from them.  I just wanted to take a break and go to a pristine, pure, place absent of people.  That desire is where the dream began, and it ended with me having to do something I really wanted to avoid doing (touching a snake, hurting a creature).  I was still not in a place that was pure nature, just private landscapes, ocean, and air is all I wanted.  Even if people weren't directly there, the signs of them and their garbage was (the man made road/path, the ugly utility and telephone poll obscuring the ocean view).  Needless to say the dream ended with me feeling quite desolate and unhappy with my situation.  I was not sure where I could go to get peace. And I saw how difficult it would be on my own.  A constant struggle to survive.  To do the dirty work myself, to keep fending off all that thought me prey.  The world is hard when you're a vulnerable female alone.  And where could I go to get away from it all (it being people primarily).  Did I have to get completely away from humans in order to feel that connection with the earth/nature again?  These thoughts stewed through my mind.  I was glad I was out of imminent danger, but felt trapped in a catch 22 miserable situation.  My thoughts also reflected back to the image of the snake with imprints in its head.  Indented marks all over its head from the pressure.  I felt saddened and sickened.  I'd never wanted to touch it, let alone harm it.  I resume walking up the sandy road, toward the town.  I'm not happy about that, but I don't know where else to go.  I just keep moving.

Dream Interpretation / a dream about revenge?
« on: January 25, 2015, 06:51:45 PM »
Hello, let me preface this by saying I was watching a buffy the vampire slayer marathon last night. Clearly it had an influence! LOL

In the dream I am some kind of immortal or supernatural being, possibly half human, half supernatural being with powers and abilities far beyond a human being.  I was definately..different.  Possibly I was an immortal "vampire with a soul" (like in the tv show I just watched).  All I can say for sure is that I was definately supernatural and didn't feel human, although I still had strong ties and care for the human world, I was not of them.  Although I certainly wanted to be.  But I felt this divide by who and what I was and straddling the realms between that and the human world.  So to speak.

The dream begins with me in bed with my friend/partner/love (he was human by the way).  He was asleep when an old angry man barges in and instantly kills him.  Killed him in his sleep.  And did it because the man was with me--an extra human or supernatural being.  This old man took out my partner because he didn't want any humans associating with me.  I was meant to be isolated.  He was against me because he was an old human man, with old human fears and needs to control.  He hated that he couldn't control me.  It was his mission to annihilate me the only way he could--since I was immortal , he would kill all those that supported me, all that I loved, so that I would be isolated, so that I wouldn't have influence on any other people. 

Well, he'd just killed someone I loved, an innocent who was sleeping, defenseless, just to destroy me the best way he knew how.  It would never stop.  This man felt I had no right to exist.  He felt anyone who acknowledged my existence had no right to exist.  He stood there before me gloating, gruff, clearly empowered and getting a "high" from what he'd just done.  He till had the crossbow in his arms, although they were somewhat relaxed now.  He'd just killed my friend.  Thats what the crossbow was for.  He knew he couldn't kill me with it.  But yet here he still stood.  Just to glowing in the power and satisfaction of what he'd done to me.  I could also the righteous rage fuming off him.  He was pure motiviation to destroy me.  It was like a drug to him.

The sight of this, plus the long history of his persecution of me playing in the background of my mind, mostly it was the sight of his enjoyment, determination, and the high he got off of controlling and killing that suddenly I snapped out of a lifetime of passivity, fleeing, hiding in the dark, retreating...and I DID something.  It happened in slow motion.  I sent a blob of blood from me to him.  It floated in slow motion until it reached his right eye.  I made it go to his eye.  Then it became a part of his eye.  His eye turned red.  I step back and observe him now, red eye and all.  I notice he looks particularly old, crotchety, and ugly now.  His gray hair is wild, unkempt, and uncared for.  His eyes are wild, engraged, like an animal with rabies.  He wants to destroy me.  That has not changed.  But my decision to infect his eye with my blood was not unlike a vampires decision to bite someones neck.  It would not kill him, but it would infect him.  He was now infected with my blood and thus transformed--he would be immortal now, or supernatural, or whatever it was that I was that made me so different from humans.  He would now be what he sought to destroy in me.  I knew the serious consequences when I did this.  I deliberately infected him.  I deliberately sent my blood across the the room, like a small orb of blood, directly to his righteous rage filled eye.  I wonder what it means that I only sent it to one eye?  At any rate, when I awoke I felt the serious weight of what I'd done.  Does this dream mean I've succumbed to revenge?  Did I do this to the old man to get back at him for destroying my life? For killing my contacts? (He'd killed who had contact with me, my partner was simply the latest, most devastating). For his persistant attempts to extinguish me?  Was this a dream about my need for revenge?  I worry that's what it is. 

Dream Interpretation / The Race
« on: May 12, 2014, 08:18:02 PM »
Hello...The second half of this dream had some interesting images, the meaning of which eludes me.  The first half is basically about the current situation I'm in and my feelings about it, as well as the attitudes of the other players involved.  Basically, I have been helping run my father's business along with another female co-worker for a decade.  For little pay.  It has been stressful, highly detail oriented, high pressure work but it has been all I've ever known.  Now that my father is about to retire and has been talking about how much the business is worth, suddenly my brother, who has never worked in this business, knows nothing about the field, and never expressed any interest in it before, suddenly wants to take over and run the business.  Not join it, not work with me as equals, but own it outright.  He's been courting my father and appealing to his ego by having "the family business becoming a family legacy"  appealing to the notion of having his son carry on his business.  Well, I have no interest supporting the emperor with no clothes, especially one who has shunned and degraded me my whole life.  I've already been doing all the work for my father with no credit for years.  I'm not about to repeat it with my brother.  I can't believe that we're on the verge of renewing the whole same process (only worse, my brother is so disrespectful he doesn't even look at me let alone speak to me) where I do all the work and the emperor with no skills/knowledge gets all the reward and credit and respect for a position that I work my tail off so he can have.  In the dream we are all in the office.  My father hands me paperwork to fill out to help my brother become licensed and set up for his new position in his business.  My brother doesn't even look at me, let alone acknowledge me, as I do this paperwork for him.  Inside, I feel this is so unfair, and wonder how far I will be able to go along with this.  How can I work with someone who is so disrespectful? Who feels so entitled to his position (not just to taking over a business at the last hour of which he is clueless about, but to his attitude toward me..I am just a slave, a bug to be squashed, in the way, unless I'm doing all the work unquestioningly in the background).  In the beginning of the dream my co-worker and I are aligned.  We literally have our heads together, while my father brings in my brother and his wife.  I'm tasked with setting things up for him, and I know the future holds me continuing to do all his work for him in the background, while he does nothing but reap in the money and basks in the image and power his new title gives him.  I do what my father tells me to do.  Silently struggling, however.  By the end of the office visit, my co-worker is chummy with my brother's wife.  I sense where this is going.  Foreseeing a shift in alliances.  The power shifting into even worse inequity if that is even possible.  When my father leaves the office, I follow him down the hallway.  I decide to express my concerns; that it is unfair to give his business over to his son with zero experience the day he retires, when I have been loyal and running his business for a decade with no credit and humiliating pay.  I have all the skill and knowledge.  I'd be doing all the work but his son would be getting all the power.  How can you do this to me?  But when I look at my father in the hallway, I suppress this.  I just can't bring myself to say it to him because I know how he will react.  He is too full of emotional and egoistic crap to hear any of this.  In the dream my father is standing in front of the bathroom, and I realize he's just too full of (emotional, psychological) crap to hear any of this.  So I say nothing about my brother or the outrageous inequity, not to mention the irresponsibility of it all, and leave him to go to the bathroom.  Right then I decide, I can NOT go back to work the way things are.  I can NOT speak to my father or expect anything from him.  Nothing but more of the same.  So I start running.  I am running out of this big crowded facility.  As I make my way dodging through stairs, corners, people, I notice I am running barefoot, but more interestingly, I notice there are small green sprouts or new growth growing in the stairs.  Like spring is sprouting under my feet even through concrete, hallways, and stairs.  I notice, and just keep on running.  When I get outside I notice other young people are running too.  It's like a marathon.  A race.  I am really striding past people, past obstacles.  It feels good to run.  To move.  Freedom of movement.  I quickly dodge past more and more people.  Whoever or whatever is in my way, I simply glide around them.  A former physical education coach looks at me and makes a comment about my lack of shoes.  He seems surprised.  Not only am I barefoot but my other attire is inadequate for support of this kind of race.  I realize I'm totally not prepared or dressed right for this, but I don't really feel held back by it.  I've been really moving.  I took his comment to be a reflection on my not having proper (or any) support for this endeavor.  As in support from people or resources.   Oh, well, I keep running.  Not slowing down.  Only leaping and bounding faster.  It feels great, like I'm a deer or a child with that sense of expanding freedom and limitlessness.  My feet barely touch the ground.  Hop, hop, leap, zipping past people, changing landscapes, rocks, boulders.  I am really doing well for someone with no shoes!  I'm outbounding everyone!

The marathon begins to trace along a river now.  I run through it, so fast I barely notice until another runner lets out a yelp "Look out!"  I almost ran right up a boulder in the river (the highest point) where a giant tusked walrus sat beached.  I catch a glimpse of it and in a millisecond I divert my direction away so I turn away from the boulder and stay below it, instead of leaping up to it like I'd originally intended.  That was close.  Moving forward I now see I have a choice;  go headfirst into deeper, more aggressive water OR take the high ground with that tusked male walrus sitting there.  Since I can't swim and fear getting swept up in the current and carried away to a point where I'd drown...My instinct initially wanted me to go up the rocky boulder and avoid the deep current.  Yet.  Unfortunately I can't due to that humongous walrus.  Its tusks could spear me.  Long white thick heavy tusks.  Worse, its heavy body could crush me or suffocate me to a slow death.  That is what I fear most.  Getting stuck up there with the animal's enormity slowing crushing me to death.  I love animals, but I don't want to risk that kind of consequence.  This was a large male walrus and I sensed an  unpredictable aggressiveness, territorial combativeness innate in the male of this species.  I couldn't go up there. There's is no room for me up on that boulder, that high point, the walrus takes up the whole space.  Clearly, not an option.  So I stop.  I look ahead at the deeper, more aggressive water cascading in front of me.  Knowing I never learned how to swim.  Knowing if I choose to move forward the odds would not be in my favor.  It would be irresponsible, since I can't swim, am not properly attired or prepared or supported. Am alone.  I just stop and look and weigh the reality before me.  The dream ends here.  I wake up.  It feels like the dream is telling me that yes, I'm in a bad place (work/family/life) but I can't run away from it and I have no ability to get beyond it. It doesn't matter what my efforts or abilities are; I'm stuck. 

Dream Interpretation / White Horse
« on: February 08, 2014, 09:35:00 PM »
color=navy]The dream began with me with my family and their friends.  I felt very much the odd one out.  Didn't belong.  I also didn't want to be with them at all but felt sort of stuck, forced to endure the encounter until they decided to leave.  A position I know well and have been in before.  Also, in the dream I was wrapped up in my pajamas and a big thick fluffy bathrobe during the whole interaction while everyone else was dressed appropriately for the social occasion.  But I didn't care in the dream.  It was like I'd had enough and was not willing to make the effort for "appearances" anymore.  In real life of course I'd be profoundly embarrassed if anyone saw me in such a state.  But in the dream I'm hanging out in my bathrobe, not caring what they'll think of me.  Or perhaps more accurately I realilzed it didn't matter what I did or how I appeared or what effort I gave; they would always have me be the odd one out.  So why bother.  Might as well be as comfortable as is possible while I endure this unpleasant situation.

After the party, the next scene is me with my father, mother, and sister.  Again, this is not a good place for me, I don't really want to be with them like this.  But its always been me submitting to their wills, their versions, their dictates.  They want to go somewhere so I have to go whether I want to or not.  I don't know exactly where the goal of their destination is, I just know I have to follow, and also be the scapegoat, the lowest one on the pecking order, whom they need with them in order to dump everything that's wrong with them onto, so that the rest of this toxic family can maintain its "normal" public image.  I am about as free as a slaughter house cow, being prodded along for the owner's purposes, never really free.    My father, mother, and sister are walking uphill a road from my childhood.  Going backwards.  I don't know where we're going I just follow behind them.  Along the way I stop to notice and comment upon a wonderous tree trunk who's roots appear to be showing above ground (but the tree remains firmly planted in the ground at the same time.  Its like its roots were so vast that they stood 20 feet above ground but there was also lots of roots unseen underground.  The tree was in no danger.  Very sturdy in the soil.  I found it unusual/unique and commented on it.  My family didn't pay any attention.  I looked closer and saw that someone had made this tree's trunk parts into a house!  "Look, what a lovely wooden house!" I exclaimed.  "They made a house into this tree."  The tree and the house integrated together and neither harmed.  The tree was still alive and thriving.  It was not killed or damaged by having a human fashioning a living space within its roots/trunk.  Both aspects lived together coehesively.  I loved the idea that you could go inside a tree to live. What a lovely way to live! With this gorgeous healthy tree reaching up to the sky above where you rested and took shelter.  My family ignored me and we continued on walking up the hill of this road.  When we got to a town we had to pass through an indoor area (it wasn't a barn though it felt more like the entranceway to a large upscale mall) that was like a passageway or intermediary from countryside to civilization, town/city life.  So our first step indoors is into this area we have to pass to get to where my parents are going (turns out to be a fancy restaurant) and as we walk through it I see this amazingly beautiful white horse.  Only it doesn't look like any real life horse.  It's like an otherworldly mystical creature you'd see in a fairy tale.  Its body is definitely that of a horse, yet its face was like a combination of llama and horse and angel.  It was such a beautiful un-horse like face, with enourmous beautiful expressive eyes.  And it was slender faced, it was such a cute, beautiful face and otherworldly.  I stopped to remark on the horse.  No one else did.  I wanted so badly to linger and visit with it.  (I do have an affinity for horses).  But because my family wasn't interested, I had to continue on with them.   We entered a fancy restaurant.  My father's favorite thing to do is eat and talk so he lights up in his element here. Grinning from ear to ear and talking with excessive eagerness.  A public place to dazzle people with his tales and present his best side.  My mother loves this too.  It is in the public where they light up and put on a play, performing their very best, social, civilizized, humourous, lighthearted.  In public is the one place they aren't bitter, violent, abusive, immature.  Inside I feel sick.  I really, really don't want to keep doing this.  I don't have it in me to put myself through one more event where I hold their secrets and their abuses a secret and play along socially as if everything's hunky dory.  Its a nauseating charade.  But what choice do I have?  They are so believable and powerful. I see my father sit down at a table, all lit up and beaming and gabbing away happily.  Then I see a handsome gray haired man (made me think he was a doctor because he seemed so distringuished and professional) stand up from another table across the room to greet my mother.  She lights up and I see her public persona beaming out and broadcasting like a beacon of light.  Their public facades are so good.  Always have been.  No one would ever believe me.  If I ever spoke up or asked for help or revealed what really goes on, I'd get it worse, and conditions were bad enough already.  I've always known I must always keep their secrets.  I can never reveal the truth or seek help.  No without putting their public images at risk.  And thus my own life.  I could never win against them.  Their public images being unbreakably pristine.  Their ability to lie and act so vast.  Yet.  I didn't want to dine with them.  To submit to the false show of lighthearted chatter and boasting.  To be the scapegoat so they can socialize and dine and appear perfectly respectable and carefree.  So I never sat down with them.  I turned on my heels without a word and started to walk away.  As I do so I hear my mother calling after me.  She repeatedly calls after me and doesn't stop until she throws something at me from across the room.  It turns out to be the keys to the house.  She thinks I am going back home, without them, so I would need the keys that they hold to gain access.  I hold the keys in my hand.  I don't know where I am going.  I just know I am not socializing in public with them for this false display.  I walk back the way we came.  It appears I'm walking through a crowded mall.  As I walk back I see a former classmate and friend of my brothers walking in the opposite direction.  She spots me and gives me a knowing little half smile as we pass each other.  I pick up my pace.  I don't like that she recognized me.  That means I still resemble the girl she used to know; shy, scared, mute, in short weird.  I'm sure she also saw in me whatever my brother told her about me too (he was always recruiting others to bully me, calling me names, encouraging them to degrade me to my face).  So its not a good feeling for me when she recognizes me with that closed lipped smile.  It means my reputation and image is still shaped by my family. 
When I make it back to the room with the dainty white horse I walk over to her and pet her and talk to her.  Can't resist.  Such a cute magical little beauty.  Pure white.  Big pretty eyes and facial expressions that are not horse-like at all.  What is this creature?  She is drawn to me too because she starts toward me, stretching out from behind the confines of the wire/rope which fenced her into the stall.  Now her whole front body and front legs and face are completely outside of the wire fence and on my side.  She is straining to come out of the stall to get to me.  But her hind legs, particularly her hoofed feet and dainty ankles are still stuck in the fence.  Stuck hanging in the air suspended by the fence made of rope.  I am very concerned for the horses safetly.  I don't want her to hurt herself trying to get out.  Her hind feet are just dangling up in the air in the ropes.  If she moves any further toward me or moves at all, she could twist the ropes around her feet and get binded up in a precarious position, even breaking her legs (which is a death sentence for a horse).  I sense people with me who are also concerned.  I don't know who they are, I don't see them, only sense their presence. They weren't with me before.  I only look at the horse.  I convey with them my worries.  What should we do?  Should we tell the authorities?  There is a stand over to our left where the "authorities" are.  People who own this white horse or own the large facility that houses her.  I debate with the peers beside me whether or not to summom their help.  But as I look at the precarious position the horse is dangling in, I say "No. Don't tell the authorities."  I was afraid they'd man-handle her in their attempts to get her back in the stable and she could get nervous in the struggle and twist up her hind legs in the rope.  Too dangerous.  Their only concern would be stuffing her back in the stable and they wouldn't take care of her welfare.  I could just see her limbs snapping with their involvement.   I envisioned her legs getting bound up in the rope and twisting her dainty legs until they break.  She was so far out of the fence, putting her back in at this point would be dangerous to her limbs.  They were just hanging in the air behind her.  Better to just free her hind feet from the fence and let her out completely.  No, I say to the people around me, I'll do it myself.  Or we'll do it ourselves.  And I carefully put my hands on her feet and gently swung them over the rope so that now she had all four feet on the ground. And she was on my side of the fence.  Out of stable.  Dream ended there.   [/color]

Dream Interpretation / Big Black Bird
« on: November 27, 2013, 05:33:05 PM »
Dreamt I saw a very large black bird in the tree above me as I looked out the porch windows.  This bird was the size of turkey, quite large, but not a turkey.  It was some kind of buzzard, vulture type bird, and all black.  It had its gaze focused upon me as it sat fixed there in the tree above me.  Then, it aimed and peed on me.  Right through the screen window!  I scrambled away into the house.  I know it sounds funny, but I wonder if this was a health related dream?

Dream Interpretation / E-Cigarrettes
« on: November 23, 2013, 09:00:58 PM »
Here is dream my mother had.  She doesn't usually remember her dreams.  She dreamt she was in a large room, large enough to hold lots of people, like an assembly or hall.  It was grey and vacant, with no furniture, no place to sit, nothing at all but filled with lots of people smoking vapor cigarettes or e-cigarettes.  That was all they were doing.  Just a large vacant room with people milling about smoking fake cigarettes. My mother says she was off to the side watching a room full of people doing nothing but smoking.  She recalls wondering why she was there and why there was a room full of people doing nothing but smoking faux cigarettes. 

Dream Interpretation / Re: A Trip to the Museum
« on: November 23, 2013, 08:41:11 PM »
Also, I don't know if I expressed this earlier, but a large percentage of the dream was me feeling captive in a car with an unstable scary ice princess in control.  And the sense of her taking us deeper and deeper into sicker and sicker territory.  Dangerous, life threatening territory.  And my having no power to do anything about it.  My concerns did not matter to her.  My words did not matter.  Reality glaring us in the face through the window as we breezed by did not matter to her (the increasing number of animal casualties).  I was just sitting their in the backseat, nervous, worried, concerned, speaking up about reality and my concerns and it having zero effect.  Knowing we were driving into a situation that would only get worse and worse.  Holding everything in because there was no other choice and not wanting to trigger this woman into losing it completely in violence and insanity by insisting she take notice of the reality around us.  I knew her icy feminine perfection was surface/faux image only..what lay beneath it was violence, insanity, volatile wrecklessness.  She MUST have her way.  We MUST go along with her.  We must not upset her. 

Dream Interpretation / Re: A Trip to the Museum
« on: November 23, 2013, 08:23:16 PM »
Or was the dream trying to show me that if I let myself be driven by a sick family member I'd remain frozen in time, physically unable to move, living like those dogs--half taxidermy, half alive?

(Sorry for the poor typing, my computer is sticking at every other character).

Dream Interpretation / A Trip to the Museum
« on: November 23, 2013, 08:19:12 PM »
The dream starts with me on the country road I associate most with my childhood.  This is where I spent much of my youth, visiting with friends, exploring the nearby woods, riding our bikes.  So I am assuming I am around that age during the dream (10-12), and this becomes even more true when I see I am with another boy of the same age. 
He and I are suddenly told by Angelina Jolie (more on what she likely symbolizes in a moment) to get in the car as she drives us to who knows where. 

Note--I'd read Angelina's biography a few years ago and I associate her as someone very much like my mother...someone emotionally immature, borderline personality disordered, self-centered and very much into her image and managing to maintain a smiley, picture perfect public persona despite being disturbed. 

Back to the dream...I'm sitting in the back seat as Angelina drives us down this secluded road.  She drives us deeper and deeper, to where, I'm still not sure.  But I am certainly uneasy about it.  She does not say where we are going.  She just keeps driving.  Since she is the adult and has a certain aura of authority and respectability about her, I feel I must respect her desire to take us wherever it is she's determined to take us.  In fact, my mind races ahead to a scenario where I demand to be let out of the car and I know I'd be overpowered and things would likely escalate to a dangerous volatility.  There seems no option but to submit to her will and let her drive us where she will.  I do think the only time I could have had an alternate option would have been prior to getting in the car with her.  I could have run away when she told us to get in with her.  (My mind races with thoughts like these during the drive).

As she drives along I notice the along the side of the road, in the ditches, black birds, ravens, dead.  Then there are more and more birds strewn along the road.  The dead animals grow in number, soon I see chipmunks, squirrels, rabbits, all sorts of birds of course.  The amount and type of dead animals grows in numbers.  Taking this as a sign of danger that we are heading to a very unhealthy place I speak up.  I tell Angelina that we shouldn't be going this way, look at all the dead animals, their numbers growing the further she takes us in this direction.  The environment must be poisioned, I tell her.  Let's not go this way.

Angelina Jolie smiles sweetly, and in a voice just as sickeningly sweet says "Oh, its much worse than you think.  It's radiation."  And this sends icy chills through me since she says it with a smile as she continues to drive us further into this dangerous territory.

Once we get to her destination, she finally says where we are.  It is a museum.  Out in the middle of nowhere.  Nothings there but this one level museum, a parking lot, and a large placid body of water to the right.  It feels familiar.  I say aloud "I've been here before...when I was a kid."  I must have been a little kid because I remember just enough to have the feeling of being there before with my family, nothing more.

We get out of the car and walk up to the building.  Once I enter it Angelina Jolie and the boy recede out of my awareness.  Not sure if they're there at all now.  Once I enter the museum I see my actual mother is present inside.  I sense other family is there too.  But the majority of my awareness is focused on the contents of this museum.  First, there is a room with a wooden floor filled with several small dogs of different breed.  These are no ordinary dogs--they are half alive and half taxidermy.  The dogs eyes are very much alive..they can move their gaze, and they look imploringly at me.  I see their spirit is very much alive inside them, they are sentient beings, fully aware of their surroundings, fully feeling, fulling sensing.  But they are physically frozen.  They cannot move.  Only their eyes and spirit animate.  And I may be the only one in the musueum that notices this.  Here they are, frozen "pieces" on display like furniture for people to drop by and visit on their little tour.  I'm definatley aware that my mother and other family are present in theis room, with this "display".  But I'm aware of them as a presence ini the background despite being right near me.  My focus is on the poor dogs, the museum "display" room to see something other than this creepy, sad display.  The other room is much smaller.  It is a tiny room, with wooden floor and nothing in it other than an old fashioned tv set.  This must be the focus or piece for this room.  The old tv.  It is not on.  I notice a window in this room, and I look out of it, to the blue water outside.  I woke up at this point, feeling I hadn't seen what I was supposed to see.  Perhaps I should have turned on the tv for a message.  Why would the dream bring me here?    Was I supposed to visit this musueum (revist my past) despite my reluctance?see

Dream Interpretation / Sneaking Coat
« on: April 20, 2013, 06:26:32 AM »
Dreamt I saw a winter coat I liked.  It was a large, puffy, black coat.  Well insulated.  Knew it wasn't mine, but I sneakily, smoothly put in on as if it were.  With the goal of walking out of here with a new coat! I figured no one would notice, no one would miss it, and I could easily pass it off as my own without much effort.  The only effort would be just the slightest bit of sneakiness on my part--acting like it was mine.

Well, it turned out there was a girl there who realized her coat was missing.  We were in a classroom with lots of other students.  She stood right beside me and bemoaned the loss of her coat.  She did not, however realize that I was wearing her coat.  No, that never crossed her mind or anyone else's.  Instead, it was the sight of me in the coat that made her cry with sadness and longing since it reminded her of her missing coat.  She told me my coat reminded her of hers and that's why she was so sad.  "I had a coat like that..." she sobbed. 

Well, I had not anticipated anyone crying over a coat.  As I observed her, I realized she wanted the coat far more than I did.  I felt guilty and wanted to soothe her, yet still did not want to get "caught" for my sneakiness.  I didnt' want the coat anymore.  Just wanted to make her feel better.  I offered her my own actual coat (a red one) that I had on hand beside me.  No, she shook her head, uninterested.  She didn't want it.   She continued to cry over the loss of the coat.  It was like she was crying over a lost loved one.  Darn it, I thought...I would never have attempted to sneak away with this coat on if I'd known it would have this effect on someone.  I took off the black coat and gave it to her.  She accepted it.  She had no idea it was really her coat all along though.  I watched her as she was absorbed in reuniting with it, she was giving it attention like a long lost child or love or something.  While she was so absorbed, I wondered if I should attempt to retrieve something from inside the winter gloves that were attached to the coat.  I suddenly remembered that in my earlier attempt to gain access to the coat, I'd had a piece of paper with the owner's name and password, which I'd left evidence of my "hacking" attempt inside the gloves.  I make a motion with my hands to swiftly snatch the gloves (in order to destroy the password evidence I'd left there) but decide its too risky.  I decide to give up covering my tracks and just let the chips fall where they may.  She has her coat back.  If she finds the evidence of my sneaky actions, so be it.  I just wished I'd never gone down this path to begin with.

Dream Interpretation / Re: Newly Discovered Apartment
« on: March 29, 2013, 11:54:49 AM »
This reminds me of another dream I had about the same childhood friend a few weeks ago.  It was another dream with lots of people milling about my house.  Actually, the dream began with me awakening in my parents large bed.  There are tons of people packing into the room, and I sense, throughout the entire house.  Some people I know, most I do not.  It's like a community of mixed peers milling about.  Very crowded.  As I'm sitting up in the bed I observe my surroundings.  The childhood friend is sitting on the floor below the bed amongsts a group of people I don't know.  In the dream we don't acknowledge each other.  It's like I'm merely there as an observer.  And what strikes me in my observation amongst all the activity going on, all the chatter, is what a good and loving man he is towards his son? His inner child?  He doesn't have kids in real life yet, and I don't know if the toddler next to him was supposed to be his child or if it was a version of his younger self beside him..but the child looked exactly like him, just a younger version.  And he was so patient and caring and responsable in his relations to this child.  I don't know if that was showing me he'd be a good father or if he had a good and loving childhood himself.  But it showed me he was good. 
Yet, the room is crowded with numerous various people.  I relate directly to no one, simply observe.  Suddenly an inspector approaches me.  He grills me about an investigation, what I sense is a girl is missing, perhaps murdered? And his focus is on me.  He believes I have something to do with it.  Perhaps that Im even responsable.  But certainly that I am a key person.  I deny responsability and am unclear myself as to who this girl was, what happened to her.  But I know it was awful whatever it was and that she is gone (if not dead).  The investigator is relentless and wants to make/prove me responsable.  He seems confident he knows what happened to the girl and that I am the key.  Cornered, I deny I had anything to do with it.  He tells me I did.  "It's written on the wall."  He says to me.  Meaning there's undeniable proof.  He's got me pinned.  I realize thats a phrase, but during the dream I took it literally as him having hard proof or evidence against me.  So I look up to the ceiling, and indeed for a second I do see writting on the wall..I desparately try to read it, hoping it will give me some understanding of the situation, but it blurs out..then disappears. 
I then watch as the investagtor walks outside the house, along the perimeter of the property as he interviews another female.  At this point I'm not even a body, I am simply witnessing this as if I'm watching as an invisible ghost.  The investagtor is not giving up his search for this girl.  He points to signs which he somehow picks up from the ground (and also based on what he heard from rumours) that the girl may be living underground.  They examine roots sticking up out of the ground.  Then attention is turned back to the house.  Perhaps she is living in the ground beneath the house.  I am aware now that its possible this girl that was supposedly murdered, harmed, missing..the girl the inspector is intent on solving the crime done to this girl...is me.  Which was a switch in consciousness, because earlier in the dream I had thought I was being being pursued as responsable for a girls death/disappearance.  I was being pursued alright, but it turned out I was the girl in question.  He was trying to find me and get to the bottom of what happened to me. 

Dream Interpretation / Newly Discovered Apartment
« on: March 29, 2013, 11:21:06 AM »
I dreamt I ran into an old childhood friend just outside my barn/garage.  He was walking through and we stopped to chat.  I told him I'd seen him walking through town a few times, but I was never fully certain it was him.  I asked if he lived nearby.  To my surprise he continues to walk toward me, right into the barn, and says that "Yes, I live here" gesturing inside the barn.  And he said he'd been living there for awhile now.  I am stunned since this is my barn and I had no idea he had made a place to live for himself here.  Right under my nose.  Befuddled, I stammer "You live here?? What? Where???"  And he proceeds to show me a secret slip of a doorway.  It is a narrow entrance way made out of the old wood.  I follow him up the secret passage way and am amazed when it opens up to reveal an awesome fully furnished apartment.  Who knew?  I am wonderfully surprised by this wonderful living space I had no idea existed.  It's spacious.  I follow him and there is just room after room.  Each turn around the corner is another surprise.  Right away I notice its decor--antique, rustic, valueable and quirky furniture.  I admire the antique chairs handmade long ago from beautiful wood.  (I love antique touches).  I was pleasantly surprised by this secret apartment.  Each step we took further into it revealed more rooms, more surprises.  It was fully decorated.  In fact, the deeper into this apartment we went it seemed to me to be a shop of some kind..there was so much interesting and valueable stuff.  Before I know it, its no longer just he and me there, lots of people are there.  It very much has the feel of a store or antique, specialty shop.  Lots of people I don't know are there, milling about, exploring all the items in the place as if its for public admiration or consumption.  Almost like a musuem or tourist site.  I feel propriety for this place.  It's my property.  And its also where he lives.  Its ours.  I feel very good about the place, like I wasn't expecting it and can't believe my luck that this exists. And had existed for so long without my knowing. 
As I walk about the rooms in the apartment, there are now so many people here.  I'm still discovering and admiring the contents of the place.  There are strings of gemstones and reflective jewelry/art from floor to ceiling in one corner of a room.  That's new to me.  I keep walking around.  All the people are here to look at the stuff inside the apartment.  Antique lamps, furniture..lots of different stuff..I see a couple young men sitting at a table admiring some gemstone rocks.  I notice one of the boys' energy as he admires some of the rocks while I pass.  He seems to be acting to me.  Faux interest, over the top interest.  To distract me.  I see he has a muddy green knapsack on the table and I intuitively know he stole some of the gemstones by stuffing it in his bag.  I call him out on it.  He denies it with a touch of humor and lightness, and tries to deflect.  So I physically reach into his bag and retrieve the items he'd concealed.  I knew he'd planned on taking from us, betting I'd never notice since there was so much activity going on, so many people, and the place busy with so many items blooming all over the place.  Everything in the apartment were things I liked and admired and wished to have one day.  Including the various rough gemstones.  Which to me represent different things, like power, protection, light, energy etc.  Everything in the place was deemed valuable to me and the apartment simply sprouted with all the things I valued.  However, I became angry at this guy for trying to deceive me and take from me with slight of hand.  It wasn't the taking of the gemstones that bothered me, but I feared the aspect of his powerplay, my greatest fear was the idea of not knowing when someone was tricking, deceiving me in order to secretly take away from me.  This boy sat there and presented himself to me like a kind, respectable guy, admiring me and my establishment.  He wanted me to buy that lie.  When in reality he did not respect me and was nice only as a cover in order to take from me.  I cannot stand facades when they are used to cloak ill intent.  My greatest fear is being disempowered by trickery, for I've learnt over and over again to the point of conditioning that people are not what they protray themselves to be, and most are all about empowering themselves by taking from the less powerful.  When the boys lied so smoothly and acted to naturally to hide the attempted theft, it brought out that particular dynamic thats been  the theme of my life.  So what started out as a surprisingly wonderful revealing dream, ended on a note of warning danger.  I retrieved my gem rocks, said stern words to the would be theives (the other boy was his conspirator) and suddenly generated thoughts that it was a bad idea to have all these people here.  I wanted them all to leave.  It wasn't safe.  I was risking my values, my space, my property, and perhaps my relationship with the friend who lived there by letting these people have free range in my/our environment.  It seemed to be a boundaries dream.  How to have people in my life without being taken from, overpowered, tricked, taken advantage of? That has been the recurring theme in my life so no wonder I am dreaming about the issue.  Seems its an issue that isn't going to go away.

Dream Interpretation / Re: Damaged with little chance of Healing
« on: June 13, 2012, 03:35:42 AM »
I should note that hands (and fingers) symbolize to me the tools and means with which we get through life.  It is with our hands that we work, heal, write, do any number of activities that most of us take for granted if we have whole working hands.  We use our hands to feed ourselves, dress ourselves, garden, to reach out to others, to hold hands.  Our hands are invaluable for us to get through life.  Without them we will have a tough time indeed.  This is what hands represent to me; they are the means through which we achieve things.  Hands heal, kill, comfort, hands work, pray etc.  Hands represent activity and a means through which we achieve things, do things on so many levels.  My severed finger felt to me like a loss of ability to do all those things.  It felt like a crippling, an inability to actively get through life because I don't have the tools (hands) to take action.  As if my abilities were cut off just as thoroughly as my hand was.  A non functioning hand meant a non functioning life.  A superficial life where I can only make it appear for appearances sake as though I was normal.  Hence my attempts to place my severed fingertop back onto it's counterpart.  But it wouldn't stay, it wasn't real.  Appearances aside, I am damaged, cut off, not whole, with little hope of ever being so.

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