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Last week I dreamt a teenage (or early 20s) boy rushed down to a riverbank where he had discovered the skeletal remains of a young child.  The clothes were still there.  He wanted to solve the mystery of what happened to this child.  He ushered an authoritive figure down there and told him of his plans to investigate.  The key aspect of this investigation involved him diving into the river to get to the bottom of things.  I watched as he relayed his plans.  I had no idea how deep the river was.  No idea where the bottom was.  By now a crowd was gathering along the riverbank.  The teenager dove into the water.  Soon after that a younger boy dived in after him.  They both disappeared underwater for a long time.  Everyone waited. And waited...and waited for them to reappear.  But the surface of the water was still.  It seems they'd disappeared.  Minutes go by.  Everyone waited nervously until that gave way to the feeling that it was hopeless and they didn't make it and weren't coming back.  After an unrealistic length of time, the older boy emerges.   Everyone is surprised.  No sign of the little boy though.  Then after even more time passes, the younger child surfaces.  Everyone is shocked at this, as it seemed impossible to have survived without oxygen for that amount of time.  The crowd erupts in cheers.  The crowd grows even larger and it seems there are camera crews around because this is so extraordinary and miraculous.  Everyone assumed they were dead.  It was such a shock to see them re-emerge alive after all that time underwater, that it turned people's sense of reality upside down and energized them. 

Dream Interpretation / Damaged with little chance of Healing
« on: June 13, 2012, 02:54:21 AM »
After praying for God's help to heal and overcome trauma's which have broken me and kept me stuck, I recieved this dream:
I'm in a place I haven't been in a long, long time.  It's my childhood bedroom.  I see my young hand. Suddenly it is pierced by a long sharp needle-like silver object.  It goes all the way through my finger.  A sharp, deep, intense pain.  Initially, I'd thought it was just a needle, and would only pierce the top layers of my skin but it went all the way through and out the other side of my finger.  I didn't intitally realize a needle could be used in such a dangerous, harmful way.  I removed it.  However, this is when I realize just how deep the stab was.  Once I removed it I saw that my finger was completely sliced through so that it had cut off the top portion of my finger.  Completely unattached.  Totally severed.  I tried to place it back on, joining it back to my finger, but it was a superficial "keeping it together."  It was for appearances only so it could look like I had a whole finger and a "normal" hand.  The truth was they were no longer attached.  The truth was I had half a finger.  I was amputated. A clear severing, not even dangling by a thread.  No fibers were attached.  Part of my hand was completely cut off from itself.   Yet I put the top of my finger back onto the rest of the finger from which it had been severed and willed, prayed for it to gel and reattached somehow.  But it just wasn't working.  Not even on a minute cellular level.  No physical healing. No magical healing.  The parts of my hand were not reuniting.  I asked God, or whatever higher presense was there with me "What can be done to get this healed?  I can't just leave it like this. Tell me what to do, who to go to for help. There must be a specialist, a surgeon with the skills to heal this?"
I can't be expected to continue to go through the rest of my life carrying around a raw peice of meat and passing it off as my finger.  Or worse, walking around with no finger, just a bloody stub.  I've been at this for years, surely something can be done, if not medicine, then prayer, help from above if no help is to be found on earth.  The answer I received was an unsatisfying and unconvincing "Maybe with time it will heal."
Although I am dreaming I know this dream is an answer to my prayer, an answer to my call for help in healing damage from years of abuse and conditioning, a sort of brainwashing.  It was very unsatisfying to hear "maybe" it will heal with time.  When I'd already been languishing unhealed for years.  I was very clear in my prayer.  If there was something I could do to move on from it, if there was anything that could be done on this earth, and if not then an appeal to spiritual help.  The answer was there was nothing I could do, nor any other person, nor even God.  Just wait some more, and MAYBE time will heal it.  Since this voice was from higher source, it was disheartening.  I took it to mean I am meant to go through life damaged.  Like it's my life contract to simply live with crippling damage. 
The dream so accurately reflected back to me my real life situation:  being damaged, then separated from myself spirutally, personality-wise, no longer whole; and my masking this damage (placing the severed half of my finger back onto it's other half, tying it together, gluing it together...all superficial, for appearances only. Once I stopped holding them together they fell apart).  In life, I hide my damage.  If all the preceeding aspects of the dream were true to form, then why not the words from above?  In other words, there's nothing that can be done about the damage.  There's iffy chance I'll ever be whole again, but maybe with time, maybe there's a chance it will heal with time.  I've had plenty of time.  Time seems so passive, so ...out of my hands.  So disempowering.  Yet I asked for the answer to my question and I received it.

Dream Interpretation / Dream Shows 2 Life Options
« on: March 12, 2012, 05:40:33 AM »
I dreamt I was some kind of performer, singer, entertainer.  Some kind of child performer who'd known no other life.  My life was a life lived onstage, to put on a show for the public. It was all about image.  For others.  I lived with my family. I performed onstage for the public, putting on shows.  That was the totality of my life.  A boxed in life, lived for others.  For my family (who weren't good for me, and our connection was fake at best).  And for the public at large (who I also didn't have a true connection with, obviously).   It was all I knew.  My only way to make a living.  To live.  I was getting ready to put on another show, another performance.  Much of my life was devoted to preparing for each performance and today was no exception.  I had to prepare my appearance, my voice, my energy.  All outward directed to perfection (for others, it was a performance for them, and not my true self).  But today, it was a problem for me.  I could no longer muster up the energy to fullfill it.  Not properly, anyway.  I could half-ass it, but I knew I couldn't cut it.  On all levels, I was not up to the task.  I was tired, exhausted.  Trying to force myself to carry another performance through.  I felt like an imposter.  Whatever talent I had for this had faded and I knew it.  I didn't want to do it.  Yet, I felt I had nothing else to do.  It was this or wither into passivity.  Or so I thought.  Suddenly I'm presented with an alternate option.  A voice tells me (I simultaneously receive this message as written word) that I have two choices:  this fake life with my family (and public performing) OR to run off with a childhood friend.  In the dream they called him "Cilas."  No idea why or what that name means but I heard it and then I saw it flash in front of me on the phone.  I could choose Cilas, but it would mean running away from my current life, cutting all ties, and starting over completely anew.  No more family.  No more money. No more stability.  Actually, homelessness seemed likely.  No career, no home, nothing.  But Cilas.  Initially, I refused.  I walked away from the running away with Cilas option.   But a moment later I had a change of heart.  But now I didnt' know how to reach Cilas.  A different childhood friend helped me look him up.  We did a trace on his call (Cilas had called me earlier).  Apparently Cilas had called us from someone else's phone.  A "Ryan Trachan."  So we tracked this Ryan down, and finally got in touch with Cilas. 
Next thing I know, the scene is now a life with me and Cilas.  It's like we are circus people.  We perform high up in the air, just the two of us.  Twirling around artfully.  No audience.  I guess we were practicing.  The police show up and demand us to get down.  We were very high up and I suppose they thought it was dangerous.  But once on the ground he and I gather around a fire.  There are several other people around us.  We both perform for them.  Or for ourselves I shoudl say.  Singing, painting, it seemed we were doing almost magical stuff with our surroundings...and people gathered to watch.  For a moment I pause and simply watch "Cilas" performing.  He was doing something artistic, I don't know if it was dancing or what, but I sat there and took it in and thought to myself "Wow..what he/we are doing is so beautiful and meaningful.  There's so much talent expressed and its expressed joyfully.  And we're not famous or doing it for other people or rich (like I apparently was before I ran off with him).  We're basically homeless vagabonds, circus like traveling people.  No wide spread recognition. No home. Yet, I'm aware that what we're doing with our time and art is so much more beautiful and rich and rewarding on a real personal level.  I thought of my old life as a famous singer, all the recognition, the money, the safety...yet I was also surrounded by fakery, fake family, fake relationships, my whole life was devoted to putting on a show for the public.  Now here I was without fame, home, family, money, ...and we were so much more talented than my old self prior.  So much more richly rewarding was life here with Cilas.  And we performed out of a genuine joy, not because it was a job, not to please others.  But to please ourselves.  And people were starting to trickle in and enjoy the art we were displaying.  Small scale audience, but big time joy on a personal level.

I awoke after having this thought.  This dream parallels my real life in that I have a choice to make.  End my whole way of life by leaving my family behind for good (and it is a fake family, we fake normalcy,fake relationships with each other for the public, my whole family pretends our parents are loving normal parents when they are in fact abusive).  Due to the family dynamic, if I leave, it will be for good.  I often feel like I'd need to be in the witness protection program if I chose to leave!  I fear homelessness, etc, so the feelings in my dream are true to life. 

The dream's message seemed to indicate that leaving would ultimately result in my happinesss.  And that happiness resides not in what other people think or want from me, but in what brings me joy on a personal, instrinsic level.

Dream Interpretation / Dream with guide's message
« on: March 12, 2012, 05:01:23 AM »
The dream began in a movie theatre with kids I went to school with. ( I should note too that my "guides" for lack of another word are often beside me in my dreams, and they were seated next to me here as well.  By guides, I mean simply these are recurrent characters I've come to know in my dreams for years.  They each have their own personality and it seems each one comes to me for a specific recurrent issue.  I know one guide shows up for guidance about a certain relationship in my life, another guide for another relationship or potential relationship, etc. This particular guide always shows up in dreams about a particular guy and this dream was no exception.  I call her a  guide because thats the function she/they seem to serve.  They're usually by my side, and whenever they do speak, it is always pertenent to my real life situation.)

Back to the dream...I'm in a movie theatre with my school peers.  A movie is playing but the drama is unfolding in the audience.  The guy in question is throwing objects up at the screen.  Of course, this gets a reaction from the audience.  He throws again, only this time it doesn't hurl quite far enough to reach the screen...instead it lands up in the front of the audience and you can hear excited yelps.  This is just the kind of jocular stunt this guy would have pulled in real life.  He was the typical jock, all about fun (often at someone else's expense) and it's why I would have nothing to do with him in real life.  (He liked me, I would have nothing to do with him).  I recalled him encouraging bullying to escalate due to his jocular cluelessness.  Here I am in the dream, witnessing him back to his old antics.  He gets the audience riled up with mischief.  I don't join in the fun.  Because I know where this "fun" can lead.  Stirring up a crowd in the name of "fun" by young jocks can quickly lead to bullying, mob mentality, and usually ends in harm to one or two unfortunate targets.  I just sit there, not partaking in the "fun" of rambunctious, obnoxiousness.  My arms are crossed.  I'm enduring this environment, tense, waiting until it passes.  The next thing I know he has moved from his seat to the seat right in front of me.  He starts talking to me.  I give him the cold shoulder.  But he keeps talking to me.  Suddenly he grabs my foot and pulls from inside my shoe the very same kind of object he's been using to throw at the movie screen.  He did this playfully and I am so surprised by it I let up a bit and jokingly ask how that got there and is he a magician?  

This leads to a change of scene.  Everyone is now outdoors and we are moving towards the field to play baseball.  As we're all walking toward this destination, this guy is again beside me and talking to me.  I'm back to feeling wary of him.  All I can say is I feel frozen, tense, and it's like I'm just enduring this interaction with him until he moves away.  I brought some papers or paper towels? because I felt the group might need some kind of supplies for this outdoor excursion (I didn't know how long an excursion it would be, but it felt like we would not be going back indoors anytime soon and this was a new departure and a new experience).  He looked at the white object (paper?) in my hands and asked "Where did you get that?"  I'm not open or genuine with him, I just say whatever to satisfy his question and move on.  I dismissively told him a friend gave it to me, although I was aware I had no idea how I got it, it may be that I simply came upon it.  He curtly replies "Nate didn't give you that."  Nate is another guy who'd asked me out and I'd recently been reconsidering, viewing him as a possible option.  For some reason when he said this it seemed significant.  It made me stop in my tracks.  He walked on ahead to the baseball game.  I could tell he was "miffed" at me.
Scene three...I play the game.  I'm in the outfield.  Catching all the balls that fly out there.  But on the third catch the umpire fails to call it right.  He ignores my catch and let's the hitter run all the way home.  There were at least two other players that ran past home base because I was stunned that the empire hadn't heeded my catch.  What's happening? I wondered.  Then I turn to my right and one of my dream "guides" is there.  This is the guide that always shows up whenever the dream is about this particular guy.  And she tells me no one saw my catch because I was out there alone in the outfield.  No one caught me catching it!  

I have a little ah ha moment.  I may be doing good things, but there won't be recognition in the game of life if I'm too far removed.  Or out there alone, as my guide said.  I can't successfully play the game of life from afar.  I need to be closer to people, both good and bad, it's all part of life.  

Right after my guides words, I woke up.

Dream Interpretation / Re: Kitten Rescue
« on: May 08, 2011, 08:13:26 PM »
The dream ended with my concern about the damaged white kitten's healing.  My thoughts were occupied with its welfare, how best to restore it back to a healthy vibrancy.  It needed a good home. It was in dire need of it, as opposed to the other two kittens, who were robust and healthy enough, scrappy enough to survive on their own.  There was a house nearby, and I'm sure they would meander over there and make do.  Find food, find people to feed them.  But the weakened tiny kitten I doubted had the physical strength to do so.  If it saw people or food I don't think it would move toward it. It seemed the kitten was so weakened and traumatized all it could do was curl up and shiver in a particular spot and stay there.  I reallized I wasn't "done" rescuing the kittens.  Becuase if I walked away now, the result would be just the same for this kitten as if I'd walked away and left the kittens in the snare of the rat.  This fragile kitten's fate would be certain death.  I know my job is not done in terms of this particular kitten.  I consider giving it to my brother and his wife.  It needs a home. But I'll have to explain that it was deprived for so long without food or water, was nearly eaten alive, that it was so traumatized that it needs more careful treatment and caring than your average kitten, in order to overcome  or remove the awful imprinting and deprivation it had thus far recieved.  My focus was on making sure this kitten had a good, safe, stable home.  When I woke up I wondered why did I automatically think of offering it to them?  Is that significant too?  Was I abdicating responsability by thinking of offering the cat to them instead of keeping it myself or finding someone else who was truly capable of providing the home it needed?  In real life I doubt they as a couple would take the time to properly treat this kitten.  They'd just take it on as another pet and it would have  to fend for itself amongst the other animals like any other pet of theirs.  I realised I was sstill attached to them in a way that was affecting my thinking, my loyalties.  Why did I automatically think of them as a home for the kitten?  Do they have a history of taking special care of wounded animals? No.  Yet in the dream I was within the thinking of..."This poor thing needs a home. They have a home.  Why not give the kitten to them?"  Plust I suppose they were on my mind anyway as I was doing tasks for them.  But I did catch myself when I awoke and wondered if it was wrong to have automatically thought of placing the needy kitten with them.

Dream Interpretation / Kitten Rescue
« on: May 08, 2011, 07:22:04 PM »
I dreamt I was amongst my family thismorning at an outdoor park (which is where I would have been today (mother's day) had I not chosen to go no-contact.  Yes, I still see my parents, but I now forgo family get-togethers for the most part.  I'd long ago stopped thinking of myself as a family member (by age 11) I was never treated like one, even though I'd go through the motions during family events and put on the appearance of normalcy for everyone elses sake.  I had no choice then. But in reality, my family was dysfunctional, abusive toward me, the only time I was treated decently was in public, usually at family holdidays or get-togethers where everyone was there or it was in public. But this wouldn't last, once out of the public "show" the mistreatment would always resume.  That's how I learnt as a young kid that I wasn't  REALLY a member of the family, it was only for show.  My mother would abuse me behind closed doors, and my younger siblings followed her lead in mistreating me behind closed doors and then putting on a good show for outsiders.  They learnt from my mother this Dr. Jeykl/Mr. Hyde behavior, so that no one would know how mean they were as long as they acted like angels ini front of everyone else.  No one ever saw the abuse, it always happened in private, outsiders only saw the good face they put on...So I was powerless, knew no one would bellieve me, and simply withdrew into myself.  There was no point in telling anyone what they did.  It would always be denied. And when your mother and most of your family is against you..its so overpowering for a child, there really is nothing to do but accpt it.  Yet now, as a young adult I've decided the less I see of these people, the better off I am. 

Here is the dream:  I'm outside in the grass amongst my family.  We're in a public park.  Actually, I'm not really with the rest of my family, I'm just there, nearby until my brother and his wife ask me to fetch their bees for them.  They had 3 trays of live bees way off in the distance and they wanted me to bring them to them.  I have doubts about my ability to do this.  I've no experience with bees, let alone a colony of them.  Three colonies in fact.  I agree to, but ask if I can use their car (which is where the bees are currently) to drive them here.  They say No to this.  They are quite firm, I am NOT to use their car.  They think it might damage their car (the bees might get loose, the ride might be to bumpy, they don't want their car to drivve off-road across the field) So they tell me to use my car. Or walk.  But don't use their car for the transport of their bees.  So I walk off across the field.  I carry the tray of bees.  The trays are caked with honey and the bees are within that honey.  At least a few of them are.  I examine the tray of honey and realise there aren't that many bees in there. Basically, it's a tray of gooey honey with a few bees or bee parts swimming around.  Worried, I yell back to them aout the status of their bees.  My brother's wife shouts back to me that they must have flown away, left the trays because the field, the outdoors here was too enticing.  Since they seem to have expected thiks, I continue on across the field,finish transporting what remains of the bees...
But when I come to the edge of the field, as I approach man-made structure, and see a house up aheead, with a street and cars...I come across aa drainage ditch of sorts.  There is a plastic bucket, like a kid's beach bucket, turned upside down over this drain or hole.  I notice it because the bucket shifts and moves.  Something, some small animal is beneath that bucket.  I pause.  It's likely a rat or a mouse.  Yet..what if it's a kitten? I decide to lift the bucket.  I cast it aside.  There is a white kitten struggling against being pulled down this drain.  It looks awful.  Some animal (a rat) has it's teeth gripped firmly on the kitten and is smooshing it down into the small hole.  If I do nothing the kitten with be dragged down and sucked underground, killed.  If it gets sucked down underground completely I'll never be able to recover it.  The center of its body was being sucked and yanked violently down so that onlybits of its head remained above the ground.  It was awful to watch this kitten, too big to be smososhed down this tiny hole inthe ground, nevertheless being forced down it.  I leaned down and pulled the kitten out!  It was a beautiful white kitten.  But its not over because once I pulled him out I see there's ANOTHER white kitten in the same position.  This kitten is even smaller, much smaller, fragile, and weaker.  It's raggedy.  It's eyes are red (and because of this I have a fleeting fear that it might be a mouse and for that reason I consider backing away,...but no..it's definately a kitten, just a very weak, sick, kitten.  It is suffering so much more than the other kitten was.  The other kitten was healthy, robust.  This one I can see has had a rough time of it for a very long time and was ill for it.  In very poor shape.  It was being yanked and torn underground much more violently than the previous kitten.  And it had been underground until just now.  My rescuing the other kitten freed up space so that this raggedy one couldget some air.  I had even less to grab, less of the kitten was exposed above ground, so I reached inand pulled in out, with difficulty, despite my fears.  Some people would recoil (and a part of me considered this for a bit)from the sight of this kitten.  It was truly tiny, ragged, red eyed, in such poor shape from the hell it endured that it began to look less and less like a recognizable kitten, not cute at all.  One had to look and see that it was trully a kitten and not a mouse.  It had been in that unatural awful undergraound hell so long it had weakened  from that environment to the point where its outward appeaance kind of resembled the rat that had dragged it it down.  Theodd thing was, the instant I pulled that sick kitten out of ground, another robuse healthy kitten emerged.  From where I'm not sure.  It was just suddenly there, with us.. Above ground.  It was a black kitten.  I didn't pull it up.  So I wonder if my rescuing the other kittens freed up the path so that this black kitten could get itself out , or perhaps this kitten wasn't down the hole to begin with.  It was sudden.  I rescued the weakened white kitten, and bam! Suddenly this black kitten was there right beside us.  All kittens were now safe.

Dream Interpretation / Re: Series of Dreams in One Night
« on: April 25, 2011, 01:08:40 AM »
One thing about the girl's eyes that I forgot to mention, but seemed important.  The eyes were very large and dark, dark blue, and this color filled the entirety of her eyes.  There was no white part.  The colored iris filled 100% of the visible eyes.  That was also what made the eyes and their color stand out so.  Dark blue/purple gleaming eyes, with no whites to them.

Dream Interpretation / Series of Dreams in One Night
« on: April 24, 2011, 05:08:33 AM »
I had a series of dreams last night...In the first one I am in a grocery store.  I'm holding tight to my white cat becuase I don't want her to get loose and lost or hurt.  She has always been an indoor cat.  But in order to keep up with my family I have to carry her through all the different environments my family takes us.  In the grocery store, she gets loose from my arms for a moment, and trots forward to a man with his grocery cart. He also, oddly, has a cat in the store with him.  It's a white cat as well.  I see the two cats together and a flicker of worry crosses my mind, as they look so similiar, I don't want to get them mixed up.  My primary concern all along throught this dream is maintaining the safety of my cat.  But then the man's cat turns around to face me and I see that it is identical in everyway EXCEPT for it's eyes--which are huge, like an owl's.  So I'm relieved there is a marker to differentiate them.  I remark to the man about his cat's big eyes, and he seems pleased with me for noticing.  But then I see that my mother is out of sight and moving to leave the store and go off to another location with my family, so I hurry off to catch up. 
Following my family takes me to another foreign place.  A hotel. Feels like a vacation or temporary living situation for them.  As always, the cat is firmly in my arms.  I'm focused on ensuring her safety at all times.  I don't like that my family has put me in this postition.  The white cat shouldn't be here with them at all.  Why did they bring her?  The price is that I have to put all my energy into keeping her safe every second.  I know if I didn't hold her tight, she'd be gone..lost, and we'd never see her again.  She could get hurt or run over, or trapped, the possabilitites are endless.  This is a cat we've always kept shletered indoors.  It's not a dog that comes when you call it.  The others don't seem to care abot her wellfare so it's all on me.  I'm thinking all this as I try to keep up with them.  If anything happened to her, I'd be devastated.  Perhaps I should not try to be with my family if this is what I have to go through.
Next...I'min my preteens.  I'm with another male being (not sure if he was human or what, I just knew he wasa male friend and ally).  We are travelling along a difficult river. We are being hunted and under attack at the same time, we're trying to navigate this river on foot.  We're trying to get away to safety.  When the river becomes more strenuous to traverse, my friend, who has become weakened by the injuries from attack and the stress of the perilous river, dies.  I felt such saddness at this.  he was simply to weak to make it through all of this.  The river was too much for him and he died right there in the water.  I had to go on witout him.  It was devastingly sad because I felt his presense as so alive and real, he was a good hearted friend, and now he was gone.  His precious life was gone.  The river was violent, and I was still being fired upon and chased, so I kept moving forward through the river....
Next...there are two young children who've been kidknapped by a manThey follow behind this man as he leads them deeper and ddeeper into the remote woods.  What they didn't kow was that the authoriies (police, fbi) are onto this man.  They eventurally track us and recover the two kidss.  A boy and a girl.  They appeared identical, except that the girl was slightly taller. But they both had the same shaped face, hair an deyes. They were like twins.  Anyway, the authorites recovered the kids.  And they discovered that this man had killed several people and stacked their bodies up in a secret dumping ground.  They did not catch the man. However they recovered the kids alive. And they discovered the evil this man had done to others.  It was revealed from the authorities that the man planned to abuse the girl.  But miraculously, she was alive and safe now, amongst other people who'd rescued them.  I noticed the girl's eyes.  They were blue. But not light colored, as one would normally associated with blue eyes.  They were a dark, dark blue, almost navy with deep purple highlights.  Very dark blue.  And they were large almond shaped eyes, the center attraction of her little face.  Everything else about her was so small, small oval face, tiny jaw, tiny nose, small mouth, it was as if you really had totake the time to look at her to notice anything other than those eyes.  It was like the rest of her features were irrelevant, no one would notice anything but the eyes, which were startinling center peice of her face.  Not just the color, but the big, far set eyes were the feature that stood out among everything else.  You didn't notice the rest of her face. unless you forced yourself to.  The girl is then swept into a new situation where her life becomes well known.  There is a book and then a movie with Oprah Winfrey someohow involved, producing or promoting.  It's all about her life, what she endured, how she survived.  It was a highly unusual life compared to most people, so her story kind of galvanized the world, shook the world's attention.
When I awoke from this series of dreams the feeling that stuck with me most were saddness for the friend who couldn't make it past the river...and the striking eyes of the girl.  No human on earth has eyes like that. It stays with you.

Dream Interpretation / Brother on the Run from Authorities
« on: April 22, 2011, 02:56:00 AM »
I dreamt I was in a place far from home, yet it seemed to be where I was staying.  A small room. My brother (who I've been estranged from since childhood except for unavoidable family holidays, at which time we "act" pleasant enough and put on a normal exterior facade of "family") and his girlfriend showed up in the room with me.  They point to writing on the wall which shows I've let 17 days pass after his birthday and didn't send any acknowledgment in that time.  They feel I'm bad and point to this as evidence.  This is funny becuase I feel he's doing this to point the finger back at me and deflect away the reason I've avoided him all these years. Recently I've started to decline family holidays.   (I was bullied and abused growing up and though he took part in some of it, the main issue is that he covered it up when a parent abused me, it was fine with him that I was the scapegoat, he clearly enjoyed it.  So I detached myself mentally from him long ago and viewed him for what he was (another tormentor, a bully, a Nazi to my parent's Hitler).  To summarize, even though for years I'd have to go through the motions and pretend to everyone that we were a normal family, inside I knew they weren't truly family, and I 'd just suck it up and endure the interaction (the staged play) until it was over.  But lately, I no longer wish to do even that.  I simply don't show up.  And the dream seemed to show my brothers response to that.  Defensive, blaming.  He felt angry and that he'd never done anything wrong.  I was just being bad and tactless for not acknowledging him in his major life events!  I just stand there and take in their reaction.  Inside I think, here we go again...he refuses to see WHY I absent myself from him as much as possible. 

Then they are gone in a flash....Because they FBI is after them.  Some sort of secret, powerful, underground government agency.  A few of these men are now in my room and they mean serious business.  They drill me, ask me where my brother is and if I know where "Peter" is.  I have no idea who Peter is.  Mymind races to fill in the gaps.  I wonder if he is someone my brother accidently killed and now they're on the run.  I honestly tell the man, I have no idea who Peter is.  But when they ask about my brother, I do feel protective (maybe loyal is the word) and I don't let on that he was just here a few moments ago.  This man looked like a serious undercover agent, strong, sharp, all business. He looked like he was from the military..  I knew they were on my brother's trail land were serious, professional, relentless.  I wondered if I'd get in trouble (or tortured even) if I couldn't tell them where he was.  I truly didn't know where he was or what he'd done that they were after him.  It must of been bad.  Like he'd stolen billions or killed someone important.  They also kept asking me where "Peter" was, a man and name I didn't know.  "Where is he?"  Grilling me.
What might this dream mean?  I don't think the FBI men represented me becuase I havn't been after my brother or tried to hold him responsable for his part at all.  I've never said a word to him. The only thing I've done is wisely avoid him.  I can't safely say why to him or any other family memeber,Iv've learnt thats a dangerous and follish thing to do.  I'd backfire.  Silence and withdrawl have been my only options.  So I doubtmy brother sees me as symbolized by theose fbi men...I don't and never have tried to hold him accountable for his actions. So what is this dream trying to convey to me?

Dream Interpretation / Three Part Dream
« on: April 22, 2011, 02:11:54 AM »
Three part dream...
1. I'm inside a house. My mother informs me there is to be a big group trip or expedition, but I don't want to join the group for this journey.  I decline.  They depart on the expedition (an outdoorsy trip where they all walk through the landscape, sort of like a glorified hike).  After they've gone out of sight I have second thoughts. Perhaps I'm missing out?  So I leave the confines of the house and go outside by myself. I walk leisurely along through the hills, the meadows, the green gently rolling landscape.  It's gorgeous. I've always loved being amongst nature.  I come to a river.  I intuitively know that the group was here at this spot recently.  I realise I'm not far behind them. I'm catching up.  I cross the river.  I wade into what appears to be the beginning of a forest.  There are trees here, and as I stand beside one I look up ahead of me and see the leader of the expedition.  The other group members must be scattered about even further ahead becuase I don't yet see them, but I can hear them.  I can see the leader, however, and he and I speak.  He looked like my father physically, but in the dream I didn't think he was my father, he didn't have his personality, and I identified him as the leader of the expedition, someone I didnt know in any other capacity but that.  This part of the dream ended here, with my having caught up to the group, specifically the leader.
2. Next I'm inside a waiting area with my fiance.  There are rows of chairs and he and I sit there in the front row. I felt this was a public place, as other people were there as well.  In the dream my fiance is the actor/commediane Russell Brand. In real life I've never seen a movie of his, I only know the general bit about his lifestory...overcoming difficult times, and turning his life around for the better.  In the dream I related to that aspect of him, it was for that reason I felt he was the one for me and we had a connection because we'd both been through awful first chapters of our lives, suffered, and were more compassionate,people becuase of it.  I'd always thought I could never trust someone who hadn't survived a horrible early life like me.  Who else could understand what we'd been through?  So I liked and trusted him very much for who he is and how his life's experiences shaped him.  However, in the dream I also won't marry him.  I won't tell anyone about our relationship. I've just got him in limbo there.  I'll be with him, care about him, agreed to be engaged to him (and truly didn't want to be with anyone else but him) yet I could offer nothing more.  I couldn not take one step further. So we just sat there. In those chairs.  Like a waiting room.  Suddenly we see a very pregnant dog in the open room in front of us.  The poor thing was suffering greatly and unable to give birth.  It was heart wrenching to watch.  I ws afraid she'd die in the process.  The puppies just wouldn't come out.  Then my "fiance" encourages the dog with gentl words.  Somehow the dog gives birth, painfully, to her first pup, becuase a slit suddenly seared open in the dogs belly, just like a c-section scar, and out came the first puppy, although even with the slit it was difficult and for the longest time it appeared that wouldn't be enough either. But the first puppy came.  The dog was still suffering however.  A voice said there was 7 or 9 more puppies still to come.  But suddenly a grouop of nurses arrive to the brightly lit room and take the mother dog away , to the emergency room.  I sighed with releif thath help had finally arrived.
3. The scene switches instantly once again. This time I leave the waiting room and walk into a more relaxed area.  People are sitting at tables, lounges.  And I notice that ever person in here (and the room is filled with people) has their own golden retriever.  Actually, every person had 2 golden dogs of their own.  It was as if the mother through all her suffering had managed to provide all these wonderful loyal guides for all the people.  In the dream, the sight of the dogs at each persons side, reminded me of each person having their own guradian angel or spirit guid.  It was like thedog had gifted human beings with extra help.  That was the outcome of her suffering.  Then someone approaches me as I'm walking through the room, and they ask me if I'd like my own dog as well.  This new world, everyone had their own dog, or 2 or 3.  They were abundant.  My automatica response was to decline (dogs are a big comitment).  I'd love the dog too much if I had one, always be concerned about their wellbeing.  For as long as they were alive.  So I wasn't sure I wanted that kind of committment a.  Yes, I liked the dogs, but I didn't want to be attached and responsible, committed for life.

Dream Interpretation / More Animal Dreams...
« on: April 19, 2011, 02:24:50 AM »
I dreamt I was inside a car, the passenger side, gazing at the winter landscape out the window.  When I see a deer near the side of the road, I exclaim excitedly, "Look! A deer!"  The car pulls over.  I'm not sure who the driver was, but I wanted to share this magnificent sight.  I swing open the door to approach the deer.  I take a few steps toward it, expecting it to skittishly sprint away as deers often do.  It did turn its back to me, as if it were about to sprint away, but surprisingly, it didn't.  It remained still, exactly in the same spot.  This intrigued me. I found that unusual behavior.  I look more closely at the deer, it's a mere few feet ahead of me.  Then I notice what the deer has noticed.  I see that the deer is interested and focused on a pure white "fox."  It looked like a gorgeous white wolf only it was the size of a fox, so I thought to myself when I saw it "It's a white fox!"  The reason I hadn't been able to see it was because it blended into the snow perfectly.  The white snow camaflouged it's presense.  I would never have noticed this white creature if I hadn't paid such close attention to the deer, and followed the deer's interest.  I had looked for a reason to explain why the deer hadn't run off (normal deer behavior) and discovered it wasn't focused on my presense because it was focused instead on this white fox.  It would have been invisible to me, had I not followed the interest of the deer, had I not paid attention to the deer's energy.  When I saw this white creature had been there all along it was amazing this shift of perception could enable me to see what would ordinarily be invisible to me.  The white "fox" and the deer moved forward, off into the winter landscape.

Dream Interpretation / Two Pathways
« on: March 27, 2011, 09:21:37 PM »
Dreamt I was lingering outside.  It must have been dusk or late at night, perhaps early in the morning, because it was darkish, grey.  It didn't appear to be daytime.  I could sense I was near the ocean so I meandered over to the beach.  I walked to the shore.  There were some other young people around, like there usually is at the beach, regardless of time of day, but I didn't have much to do with them, other than notice their presense. I wanted to reach the point where the water meets the sand.  To get as close to that as possible.  Yet, when a stronger than expected wave rolled in, it pushed the water forward, strongly creeping up to my feet---and I trotted away.  I wasn't truly afraid, but I had the urge to get to higher ground in case this was some kind of portend of dangerous, unexpected situations to come.  Maybe I had the tsunami in the back of my mind.  I didn't want to get overtaken by anything that would suck me out into an environment I wouldn't be able to escape.  I guess I was afraid there was the possability I might get drawn out into a situation where I'd be powerless.  So I walked quickly back up to higher ground.  I wanted to reach a place where I'd be safe in case anything did happen.  I go up the beach, up farther away.  I almost reach a man-made structure, I wouldn't quite call it a building.  There were two different structures, side by side.  Each had there own door.  I was about to rush ahead to go through one of them, as this was the only way to progress further.  Just as I was about to do this, a radio/announcer man suddenly emerged from someplace, and he too was going to go up.  The only way was through one of these structures.  He opens the one on my right and asks if I want to go up there with him.  He begins to enter the structure.  It turns out to be a narrow (very narrow) white hallway that goes up almost vertically.  I peer in and he's already half way up.  It is so cramped and narrow he has to squeeze and position himself carefully to progress through thenarrow light colored walls.  It looks claustraphobic.  It reminded me of the scene in star wars where they're just about to be crushed by the garbadge walls.  Of course, these walls aren't moving.  The radio guy asks again if I'd like to go up this way, as it is a more direct route.  It goes straight up.  Yet, the cramped narrow nature makes me decline.  I choose the other door.  When I open it and go inside it turns out to be a corridor with stables and horses on the right.  There is also another man ahead of me in this hallway, I'm not sure if it is the same man or another man.  But he too is ahead of me and sort of encouraging me to progress.  This structure didn't go vertically up to higher ground like the other.  It was wider, more spacious, and seemed to incline slightly upwards.  Not a dramatic ascent.  A gradual incline.  But to cross to the other side, to get to higher ground on the other side, I have to walk past all these giant horses.  I love horses.  But these are horses I don't know, and they're heads are HUGE.  In real life I do think horse's faces are beautiful and I admire them.  But here it was a little bit scary.  Not terribly so, just I was wary as they seems so big and they were in my face.  Yes, one of the horses, which I liked, and gave a friendly pat on the face to, began to follow me and put his face up in my face.  I liked this horse, thought he was beautiful, but I had just wanted to admire it from a safe distance and move on.  So I was a bit wary as this huge animal face got up in my face and moved along with me as I walked to get tothe other side.  I hoped the other horses wouldstay in their stables and not do the same because that would be really unerving to have serveral large strong, strange animals crowding around me.  The walk to the other side was done with this silent prayer.  "Please, please let me get to the other side safely. PEASE keep these other horses where they are. Stay back, stay where you are..."  Sure enought the only horse that followed me was the original one, and it was okay. I got to the other side, opened the door and walked out to the sun shining.

Dream Interpretation / wedding dream
« on: March 22, 2011, 04:40:50 AM »
I suppose I should title this dream "Feeling Unprepared for Wedding."  There was a girl in the dream (she may have been my friend? She was associated with me in some manner, and what I remembered most was her hand as she showed me her engagement ring.  It was exactly the kind of ring I found perfect; small, round, delicate.  I told her so. 
There were two weddings in this dream, and I was supposed to attend them both.  I'm not sure who's weddings they were, just that my presence was required, so I must have known them on some level.  But in the dream I'm not entirely conscious of who's wedding it was.  I just felt the pressure of being wanted there, if I didn't show I'd let people down.  One of the weddings felt like it was for a friend. The other wedding was a royal wedding, a big occasion for high society, a princess was getting married.  For both of these weddings I feel a reluctance to attend because I have NO IDEA what to get them as gifts.  I feel I have nothing to give.   I don't want to show up without a proper gift.  In my mind, it would be better not to show up at all rather than show up with a pathetic gift. 
I'm in what appears to be a convience store with a friend, desparately searching the environment for a wedding gift.  But it's a conveinence store.  Of course there is nothing proper here.  I scan the aisles and there's nothing but cheap candy.  "There's nothing here.  I'm not going."  The friend on my left grabs some tomato sauce from the shelf and mixes it with various other items from the store; raisins, goji berries, etc. She starts mixing and stirring right there in the aisle and comes up with this fantastic sauce.  I don't initially go for this and ask "What are you doing?"  Then I get a flash of someone praising this sauce as "The best sauce I've ever tasted!" So my friend did what I couldn't do, which is forge ahead with what was available, mix and match, and make it do.  In my mind I'm thinking "Homemade tomato sauce?? As a wedding gift???" 
Next thing I know a call is sent out and I'm scurried along into another room for the royal wedding.  It's to be a public wedding.  A parade with the bride/princess will arrive shortly.  In the meantime I'm waiting in a room packed with people who are awaiting and preparing for the royal arrival. 

Dream Interpretation / Frog in Window
« on: March 20, 2011, 08:31:36 AM »
I dreamt I was resting in my bedroom when I noticed a big green frog in the window.  It was high up near the top of the window, as if it had suction cups attaching it there.  I noticed I didn't seem too concerned with it's presense.  Other than noticingthat it was unusual and unexpected to have a frog in my window.  I felt no desire to get up and remove it or freak out.  I'm not sure what the frog represents, other than an unusual sight.  I suppose I associate frogs as creatures from a swampy, creepy, slimy environment.  Yet, in the dream I didn't react to it like that.  I didn't feel much of anything actually.  Quite apathetic.  I just noticed it.  I knew it was a frog. I knew what kind of environment frogs came from, but I didn't feel it was icky enough to get up and leave, runaway, or remove it.  I just noticed it and turned my attention elsewhere.  Then when my mother entered the room I told her there was a frog in the window.  I had to repeat myself a couple of times.  When she finally got it, saw it, she freaked out.  She was very disturbed by it's presense.  She wanted to kill/remove it.  I observed her reaction to it.  I saw her behavior, frantic, freaking out.  I noticed I didn't mind the creature's presense.  Not enough to remove it or hurt it.  Then I wondered if I should be reacting like my mother afterall. If she's this upset maybe its warranted? ?  Are frogs a threat to us?  I rack my brain. Perhaps they carry disease??  I don't feel threatened by this creature at all.  I realise if I just sit there silently doing nothing but passively observing, my mother will kill/injure the frog.  She was flipping out and couldn't think or speak or focus on anything but getting rid of that frog.  My primary feeling was a lack of feeling.  At any rate, I didn't feel enough of anything to warrant removing the frog right away.  My secondary feeling was to wonder if I should be feeling as reactionary as my mother.  Then I was concerned she might kill the frog in her desparate all ocnsuming need to remove it from our environment.

Dream Interpretation / Tree
« on: March 20, 2011, 07:54:28 AM »
Hello!  I'm wondering what the tree in my dream means.  I dreamt there was this large healthy tree in the backyard.  It had a thick strong trunk.  I was admiring the bark when a guiding persona said something to me about carving a niche in it?  I scooped out about a Tablespoon of bark, to create a hole.  More like a nick,actually.  Then the voice/lady told me to get inside the tree trunk, via this hole presumably.  However, I was doubtful about the logic of this, the physics of this.  How would that work?  The opening is far too small for a person to get in?  But by the magic of dreams, the next time I looked at the trunk of the tree the opening was a bit bigger, not much grant you, but I moved toward it anyway, and somehow the next thing I knew I was inside the tree.  It was like a little shelter.  A good hiding place.  (Note* I may have dreamt about this because that day I was reflecting on how my grandfather would scoop out sap from spruce trees and chew it like gum! So I was marveling at that during the day). 
Next thing I know I HAVE TO leave the tree.  Either I was told this, ordered to do this, or just knew it.  I had the feeling of not wanting to come out, yet I HAD TO, so I did.  I came out from inside the tree....I walk back to my family's "house" only in the dream it seems to function more like a building/dormhouse/apartment etc because there are lots of different people coming and going and dwelling there.  Also it has more dimensions and levels to it than in real life.  As I approach the house I can see underneath it, below to it's foundations, and I notice it is ON FIRE.  The fire hasn't reached the rest of the house yet, not even the first level, but it's liek a bunsen burner with a couple flames going upward.  I sense the danger of it growing and spreading out of control, if it gets out of hand the whole building will be destroyed.  I pick up the hose and turn the water on it.  It extinguishes it as long as I have the water spraying on it.  The second I let up the flames resume.  I keep hosing it for as long as I can.  Yet I need to get inside the house to retrieve my things, to warn other people.  I can't do any of that without abandoning the hose, yet that risks the fire groing out of control if I'm not constantly on it.  There are many people coming and going, so I try to grab the attention of one of the young men passing by.  He doesn't listen or seem to care about the fire.  I repeat myself and why its important that he take over the hose for a bit while I go inside to get my things.  There's a fire under the house, I explain.  He doesn't seem to get it.  My words don't compel his interest.  So I grab his chin and make him turn his face toward me as I repeat again why he needs to take over the hose and water down the fire at the base of the house.  I realize I can't stay stuck here, forever keeping this house safe.  It's time for me to retrieve my things and leave.  If I can't convince this man to temporarily hose down the danger while I do this, it puts us all in danger.  I tried my best to convince him. of the dire situation.  I can't help it if he chooses to remain oblivious to the situation.  I leave.  I go upstairs.  Up to the higher levels.  And yes, I sense the house is now burning.  No one is keeping the fire down.  I'm in what appears to be my room, there is someone else there as well.  There is a bed and I'm desparately trying to figure out which clothes I should take with me as the house burns down. This is actually holding me up.  The indecision.  Because in my mind it's like I'm about to start a whole new life, where everything that came beforewill be disintigrated into oblivion andwhat I take with me now is important, vital, because it will literally be ALL I'll have to make a new life out of.  For some reason the clothes represent to me the uniform, the raw materials if you will, I'll have to fashion a new life in.  Which pair of jeans should I take with me?  Which ones will reprsent me best for what comes ahead?  Yet I'm uncertain what kind of path I'll be facing so I'm not sure what to wear to it.  This or that? Will my life after the house burns involve being destiute, outdoors, hiking, living the rough life, out in nature? Or will I need business clothes? Or hiking clothes? Warm or cold weather clothes?  I'm not sure what my new environment will be yet it's critical I prepare for it. I'm there comparing and considering , with my clothes laid out on the  bed.  I feel the pressure to decide fast because the house is burning down, and whatever I chooose will be forever, or at least with me for a long while, and all I'll have to boot (since everything else is going to be destroyed by the fire).  Interestingly, I dreamt this scenario before (house burning/my rushing to take things with me before it burns down, and being stuck decideing which clothes to take with me, for all the same reasons listed above). 

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