Messages

16

Dream Interpretation / Planes

« on: September 26, 2016, 03:51:17 PM »

I had a dream a few nights ago that I've been meaning to share.  In my dream was a series of plane crashes.  The planes would come apart midair, actually very high in the atmosphere, and in one of the crashes, another planes wing shreds the fuselage.  I was an observer in this dream.  I wasn't in the planes.

Life's generally pretty good right now.  My fiance seems to be happy with me for the first time in a long time.  I've been doing more around the house lately.  I'm also looking in to going ahead and getting my CPA.  I just worry, because my heart's not in it.  It sounds good and I'm in a position where I have the time and resources to accomplish it.  Maybe I just need to do it, but I think I'm afraid I'll get lost in it or it will lead to bigger problems down the road.  Right now, life is simple for me and I kinda like it that way.  Maybe, it's also the idea of change that scares me.  I just now feel like we're getting in to a groove.  Then again, maybe getting back into Accounting is exactly what I need to do to keep the groove going.

But I'm also motivated to do it as a way of revenge.  I worked for 6 months with a local accounting firm and it didn't end well.  I was fired.  I didn't mesh well with the office manager.  She ran the day-to-day operations and was very authoritative, even with the partners.  I honestly believe she was intimidated by me.  In the same breathe she was firing me she was also telling me how stupid I am.  In the moment I was too worked up to think about what that meant.  To me that just shows that I make her feel insecure.  It's one thing to fire someone, but another to insult them in the process.  And, on top of that, she said they would give me a recommendation, but not as an accountant.  I took cuts on pay and hours for the opportunity to work there.  It was suppose to be a career builder.  And they sent me out the door in a worse position than when I started.  So yeah, a large part of me wants to obtain my CPA strictly to smear it in their faces. 

 

17

Dream Interpretation / Re: Tower of Babel

« on: September 16, 2016, 12:48:56 AM »

Text from Christine's Link:

Saturn and Uranus - the sudden breakout of realization, destruction of old values
Planet: Mars
Tree of life: The Axis Netzach - Hod
Element: Fire
Number: 16 as 4 x 4: induration. But the cross sum is 7

The Tower is a symbol of endurance and its destruction, an allusion to sudden, maybe shocking realizations that crushes old views and persuasions, maybe the view of the whole world.

The area of relative security starts wavering, our tower then falls and with it the walls around us that have become too narrow. It is rarely the evil, but rather the necessary development we meet when there is a change in the armor of destruction.

So in the positive aspect, this most violent trump will mean that we proceed to learn that losing the old secure fortress of our beliefs will reward us with a major step forward.

And a good step forward sometimes requires a kick in the ....


Drive: Breaking up structures, destroying the old, getting rid of obsolete loads

Light: Sudden realization of the truth, the will to change old ways, to recreate life and start something new

Shadow: Blind destruction

RESPONSE:

I did get a swift kick in the ass from my fiance a couple days ago and I'm set on doing things differently now.  I was smoking marijuana daily and thus neglecting some of my household responsibilities as well as future job opportunities.  In the two days I haven't smoked I've managed to get quite a lot done and I notice that my mood swings are all but gone.  I'm actually using dreamhawk as a way to kick the habit.  Whenever I start thinking I want to buy some weed I hop on here.  Even before I decided to kick the habit I sparked a conversation with a long-time friend who advised me to make better use of this forum and all the resources it provides.

18

Dream Interpretation / Re: Tower of Babel

« on: September 16, 2016, 12:28:51 AM »

There are many lessons alive inside of me.  In high school I worked repairing barbwire fence in the summers with an old man down the road, a long-time family friend.  He taught me the value of hard work and was patient in teaching me.  I do find myself wishing for a closer relationship with my biological father.  He's short on words and time.  He's not the type who plans time with his children. He does make time for his snooker friends even leaving family functions to go play.  I also resent how he seems to have that same attitude toward my mother.  I've just never sensed a deep connection between them.  I think they love each other but they seem to live on different worlds.  He is a good provider and worked diligently to build his business(es).  I'm the 7th of nine children, my twin the 8th so their attention was quite divided when I came along just on that fact alone.  The time I did spend with him was typically corralling cattle and the sorts and he was very short-tempered when it came to that.  He had zero patience in teaching us.  I was 10, 11 when first started working with cattle.  It's intimidating for anyone initially being around animals of that size in close quarters let alone having your father go ballistic if you didn't cut out the right cow or god-forbid leave a gate unlatched which he and his father before him were actually notorious for themselves.  He's 61 and turns 62 tomorrow!! Just thought of that!!  He's at the age and in the position where he can take it easy and he sure does love his grandchildren.  I know he's extra proud of my boys.  I think he would love it if I was set on getting back into the family business and I might if I were in a different situation.  Their mom works 60-80 hours a week on nights so I have to be home during the day so she can sleep.  And I've found myself throughout the years looking to other men to fill that void.  One man in particular, actually an Irishman, seemed to be just what I needed.  He seemed to understand my mind and offered encouragement and guidance until I realized he wanted me as someone to touch rather than teach.  And then there was another man who I looked to for guidance who after years of knowing and trusting him made a sexual advance.  He's around 65 now.  I actually worked for him off and on.  I do know in my heart that my father is there for me just not in the way I would like him to be or imagine a father should be.  And I'm too proud to take advantage of the family business.  I already have two older brothers who are in it, anyways.   

My feelings with that particular chimney has always been that it seemed like a relic even though it was actually a functional part of the power plant.  The university is on a separate grid from the rest of the town.  My grandmother (my dad's mom) who just passed away last year at the age of 92 went to the same university(just a side note).  I spent 6 and a half years there and it was kind of central to the places I frequented and I always just had sort of an admiration for that chimney.  It was right in between a college ministry I attended and the heart of campus so I crossed it's path many times.  But, along with my initial statement about the chimney, perhaps it symbolizes an era gone by that I need to deconstruct. 

I imagine that I am removing those bricks as a penance for past mistakes/misdeeds. 

I'll come back to this later.  I need to let my mind rest. 

19

Dream Interpretation / Tower of Babel

« on: September 15, 2016, 02:39:07 AM »

A piece within a series of dreams from a few days back has stuck out in my mind.  A friend who I met about three years ago was in it.  He is in his 50's and he'll check in with me every couple months or so.  I met him when I was still working for my family at their auction barn.  He is an interesting person.  He is a Sicilian, drummer, former professional bull rider and trains cutting horses.  He was on the same circuit as Lane Frost as a bullrider.  His eagerness to maintain a friendship has perplexed me.  We're 20+ years apart and he's a surefire type A and I'm a surefire not that way.  He has expressed to me his frustration with me having a passive attitude.  I find he is often confrontational with people where I would find little reason for it.  He does seem to have a thoroughly charitable heart though.

In the dream is a round tower of sorts made of red brick (common in this area).  I see him on some scaffolding removing bricks from the top of the tower and I'm confused as to why he's removing them.  I'm thinking,"why are you wasting your time on this?  What's the point?" 

Edit: I should also note that this tower resembled a chimney at the power plant of the university I attended. 

20

Dream Interpretation / Re: Cats and Kittens and dreams of snakes.

« on: September 08, 2016, 02:58:30 AM »

Christine, thank you for sharing the kundalini link.  I've read it over several times.  It's so much to digest at once.  It really struck me when it began talking about LSD experiences.  I actually had one around this same time two years ago.  Summarily, it was a perplexing, arduous journey for me.  Initially, I was in shock about all that I had experienced, but over the past couple years, it seems that it was preparing me for the huge changes in my life that followed.   I find myself using it as a reference point in my life.

I've wanted to truly address what happened but haven't known how to go about it.  I am very close with my younger brother and try to talk to him about it as to make sense of it but it never seems to get anywhere I would like it to go.  I guess I'm looking for him to be able to relate to the energies I felt but I can't blame him.  If you've never had that kind of experience it might just be hard to relate.

Anyways, I just want to tell it as it happened and I figure, what better place than here.  Here goes:

So, I decide to drop acid with a long time friend.  At first he wanted to take me to a state park to trip.  That's actually what we did.  The acid was on some sweet tarts.  I was supposed to let it dissolve completely but i chewed it up instead, so the effects weren't as great as I expected. I do remember thinking,"Wow, this place is spiritually significant."  I felt thoroughly connected to this place.  We were in a field, actually, a meadow, a naturally occurring meadow!!  As I'm writing this it occurs to me how rare that is in of itself!!  It was just a timeless place.  I could sense the history with my whole being, even through my very eyes.  I was so connected.  We were right next to a river.  It was a point of convergence for two other tributaries and the land between where they met was elevated.  I was downstream on the right bank where erosion from periodic flooding had created the meadowland.   

So we headed back to our town (30 minutes away).  He was sorta dating a mixed girl.  It was her birthday and he was kinda being an ass to her.  I couldn't understand why.  (I will say he seems rather lost on how to treat someone you care about)  We end up going back to his house and she comes over with us and we're like,"hey I didn't really feel that earlier, let's drop some more"  He gives me TWO hits right off those square cut outs.  He doesn't take any and I almost immediately begin feeling the effects.  I can see bugs everywhere.  I knew they weren't real but was instantly frightened at how it might progress.  I tell him, "Hey, I see bugs"  And instead of reassuring and coaching me through the effects, he says,"Naw man, there's nothing there" tauntingly.  I get upset because he is telling me that I'm not seeing what I'm seeing.  I should also mention that this house belonged to his grandparents who have only recently passed. I was attracted to the girl he was with.  I tried to hide it, but it seemed increasingly hard to be discrete as the acid trip progressed.  I remember seeing them sitting next to each other.  I could sense the melding of her passionate/emotional/warm energy and his callous/logical/cold energy.  The contrast was beautiful and it felt ceremonious to me, like I was part of an important ritual.  In her I could see other people, people who represented warmheartedness most to me most in my life.  In him I also, saw many people.  People, I love but who I feel are trapped in that cold, self-loathing, miserable energy but not necessarily who they are.
(Well, actually that is something I struggle with.  I don't think I am able to accept that people could truly be as calculating as they actually seem.  Also, I may be wrong to think of that energy as negative.  Maybe, it's useful too.)  At one point her mom showed up.  She was raw, overwhelming passion.  It was amusing, because I already knew her mother because I frequented the gas station where she worked.  It was a surprise to find that out.  She revealed her desire for me.  It was very flattering, sensual.  She soon left after that.  Also, there was a very maternal element going on with me that night.  I would go into a bedroom by myself to lay down when I was feeling really overwhelmed.  Laying down in that dark room only seemed to make it worse.  I remember laying on that bed in the fetal position.  I felt sick to my stomach and just dreadful, frightened even.  Then I progressed through the women in my lineage who have had children.  First my sister, then my mother, then my grandmother on my dad's side.  I felt their pain, their fear as a result of carrying children and not knowing how they'll manage. 

I also remember at one point a sensation where I'm a glowing maggot in a great crowd of well, not just glowing, but brilliant maggots slithering their way about through a vibrating current of electricity.  The kind of electricity you experience during orgasm.  It was so intense and could be felt swelling in the center of my skull and my throat and pulsing down through my chest, my abdomen and ultimately my genitals, thighs, and feet.  I imagine it to be what ecstacy must feel like.  The metaphor I came up with to describe what I was feeling was that,"I'm just a cricket who wanted a glass of milk" I still am trying to make sense of that.  I wanted her but I knew that at that time it was wrong to express that desire.  But I couldn't control that urge.  I wanted what I wanted.  He ended up sending me away in the middle of the night.  I left reluctantly as well as apologetically.  But I'm still tripping hard so I decide to just sit in my truck and wait it out a little.  I remember looking down at my phone and there was a text from my brother and said,"what's the point?"  that's how i felt at that time.  Very down and out. I also felt as though this was where the end of a separate reality of mine where I'm gay and drive off a bridge to kill myself.  Then somehow I work up the nerve to drive away.  As I'm driving, it seems I am being followed and I will ultimately end up on a dead end road.  And I also have visions of my father and his cousin in adolescence and then it's as though I am my grandfather driving to the house of my grandmother when they/we were both young and how she is such a beautiful soul and I went there with sexually aggressive intent and felt guilty about it.  I know, it sounds wacko but it's what I experienced.  Eventually, I end up parking at some random persons house with my truck pointing toward a field.  The sky was bright that night, made brighter by being out in the country.  There were dogs that greeted me. I was a little scared at first but felt I needed to earn their trust as not to be detected.  I stepped out and they were friendly dogs.  They sniffed me and seem to be welcoming of my presence. I got back in the truck and they left.  I remember sitting in my truck looking out over that field into the sky at the stars and thinking that I was trapped there for eternity, that the sun would never come up.  Eventually I came to and made it home and you got all the most juicy parts. 

Soon after that night I met the mother of my twin boys.  They just turned one last Friday.  It's been a very tough time for me, but now that I look back, I think that acid trip helped my subconscious prepare for this phase of my life.  She has two kids of her own.  A boy, 8, and girl, 3.  I took a job in my field of study and it didn't workout so she went back to work and I've been staying home with the kids.  It's been quite the learning experience.

21

Dream Interpretation / Cats and Kittens and dreams of snakes.

« on: August 27, 2016, 01:22:09 PM »

Last night I had a dream about having a cat with about 4 precious little kittens and the neighbor also had a cat with 1 kitten.

I've been a cat person for some time.  I had been with the same women for four years and we had a not-so-lovely breakup.  I believe it was within a matter of weeks that I came across this stray kitten.  It was malnourished and alone.  I spent almost an hour trying to corner her.  I finally captured her and put her in the floorboard of my truck and took her home.  She still lives with my parents.  To me she was a godsend to help me get through the harsh reality of loss.  I think the image of the four kittens and their mother is fairly straightforward.  I see myself as the mother and the kittens are my twins and two stepchildren. (This really hit me once I read about cat/kittens in your dream dictionary)  Wasn't positive on what to make of the neighboring cat and kitten. 

Snakes
A few months back I had a dream about a black snake crawling horizontally up along the outer wall of my house.  Recently my 3 year old stepdaughter told me she has been dreaming about snakes particularly a red snake.  I thought that was a strange coincidence as dreamhawk.com is about the only place I share my dreams.

22

Dream Interpretation / Whispers In My Ear

« on: May 20, 2016, 09:30:59 AM »

Yesterday morning I was fading in and out of sleep.  At one point as I was beginning to fall back to sleep I heard someone whisper my name, "Bobby" right in my ear.  Also the tone of the voice seemed to have a slight sense of urgency.  It wasn't sleep paralysis.  I was on my side and quickly came back to full consciousness.  Anyways, is there any meaning to this?  Has this happened to anyone else?  My brother said it's happened to him before.  He was rather spooked bye it. This wasn't meant to be a poll but my phone makes it difficult to copy and paste....

23

Dream Interpretation / Old Job & Pregnant Friend In Need

« on: May 18, 2016, 04:47:52 AM »

OK, so I'm at my old job in a restaurant and I notice that all the walls have been painted white.  It looked as though only one coat had been applied.  I ask a manager about something job related and he gives a sarcastic and condescending response.  This angers me but I notice an old aquaintance, a bank teller, sitting by herself and I go over to say hi.  Sitting with her back to her at the next table is a childhood friend I met at church camp.  She is sitting with one of her friends and is very pregnant.  She lets me know she is having complications and next thing I know all four of us are kneeled down with hands on her praying and I am overwhelmed with feelings of love and connectedness toward this woman. 

In waking life she has recently delivered her son which i believe she had some difficulty conceiving and he is having some minor issues the last I checked. I was a little baffled by this intense emotional connection because, though we are friends, we arent particularly close.

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Dream Interpretation / Re: Black Dog

« on: May 18, 2016, 04:27:03 AM »

I have indeed had heightened levels of aggression in the months following my twins birth.  Their mother berated me on a daily basis throughout her pregnancy.  I believe it was due to deep feelings of uncertainty and insecurity on her part but the things she said to me cut so deep every time.  I would not wish the sort of ridicule I sustained on anyone.  She demanded every minute of my time and also that I account for any minute I was not with her.  I capitulated repeatedly because I felt it was best for the twins that I appease their mother.  All the while aggressiveness was being incubated inside of me and the day they were born, so was this aggressive side of me that I had not felt with such intensity since childhood.  And these feelings have not gone away.  I'm still filled with venom. 

25

Questions about dreams / Re: Disturbing dream, genuinely seeking guidance.

« on: May 06, 2016, 03:42:28 AM »

Part of your dream reminded me of this scene from The Wild Wild West.

https://youtu.be/oGJvaGe4uD4

26

Dream Interpretation / Black Dog

« on: May 05, 2016, 08:19:35 PM »

This dream was like an Astral projection.  I was sleeping on one end of the house and I immediately woke up and headed toward the opposite end where all the kids were sleeping.  I went through the den and turned the corner into a hallway where a big black dog was running aggressively toward me. He took a few quick steps and leapt toward my chest.  Before he made contact I woke up.  The dream was quite spooky to me at the time. I moved rooms from where I was sleeping.  I was in a state where I could've so easily began to lucid dream but I kept myself up for a few minutes to shake myself out of it.  Kinda regret not seeing where it would've taken me.  Though the dream was a bit of a shock initially it seemed in the following hours and days to stabilize me as well as make me more vigilant.  This has been a little confusing to me since the black dog, from what I've seen and heard, is customarily  considered a bad omen.

27

Dream Interpretation / Litte Brother

« on: April 25, 2016, 06:43:29 AM »

So, I had an extra vivid dream about my little brother the other morning.  I'll get on with the dream and go from there. 

It starts in a sort of a place for recovering addicts or victims of past traumas.  It's night and inside the building is dim as well.  My brother and I are there as counselors.  Suddenly we are standing outside speaking to one another.  I openly question our intentions there.  As to suggest that what we're doing, though nice enough on the outside looking in, is really more in our interest than the people we're there to help.  Anyways, he seems angered by this and begins to run away.  I chase after him.  I am confident in my ability to catch up to him, but after what seemed to be minutes of sprinting and not gaining any ground he begins to pull away.  Reluctantly, I cease the chase and head up a hill as to be able to see where he may be headed.  It seems he is aware that I am no longer trailing him and he does a 180 and heads toward the base of the hill where he crosses paths with a farmer and a corpse-like boy. I remember the boy being gray/zombie like. I head inside after them.  It seems the farmer and boy have transformed.  One into a black man and the other into the horseman of war  (from a t.v. series I've watched recently "Sleepy Hollow").  A broad axe is thrown at toward my head and I wake up just before impact.  I do not recall my brother's whereabouts while in the barn.  The axe  was thrown by the horseman. 

Much has happened in our respective lives in the past four years and even more so in recent months. He became a father to a little girl in October of last year, a month after I became father to twin boys. Her mother died due to complication from the delivery, a severe blood infection. 

Also, I've been gone from this site for some time.  My fiance, the mother of our boys, is a black woman.  I thought that might have something to do with the black man in the dream.  A month before she delivered I took a new job at a local accounting firm.  I was fired in early February.  I felt it was unjust, but I've been able to move on rather quickly from that.  Now, she is back to working nights at the factory and I take care of the twins and her two other children during the day.  A daughter, 3 and son, 7. 

28

Dream Interpretation / Twin Brother

« on: April 16, 2016, 01:07:57 PM »

My brother is driving down the driveway and I am desperately trying to flag him down to give him something he forgot.  He pulls in to the road and is immediately hit head on and flung on to the lawn bloody and broken . He looks up at me, smiles slightly, and says,"Say something to cheer me up, brother."

The setting is at the house we grew up in.

He was recently married to a Mexican citizen and is waiting on her to obtain a visa. He also speaks of just moving there which I fear could be detrimental for him.  He now has a steady job teaching here in the states.  I feel he needs to sit tight and save his money.  He can be a little shortsighted where love is involved....

29

Dream Interpretation / Nightmares in the Wee Hours of Sleep

« on: August 27, 2013, 01:32:43 AM »

Last night I had a series of scary dreams within the first couple hours of sleep.  When I awoke I had a sense that something must've gone wrong.  I can't remember the last time I felt such desperation. In the dream I am around strange people with no idea of how or why I got there.  At one point I go into panic mode demanding to know what's happened to me.  In my mind I sense I've been kept in an insane asylum and drugged or possibly I've been in an induced coma or something or other.  The part of the dream that left the biggest stamp on my memory (probably because it was the point at which I woke) was lying, incapacitated, in a field.  There were dogs seemingly in position to protect me from a pride of lions.  I felt certain that the lions would easily overpower the dogs and devour me, but in fact, it was the dogs that turned and began to attack me. 

Current life situation:  My little brother who is in the throws of bipolar disorder made his way home the Saturday before last and it's been a wild ride.  He's made life much more interesting but at times he can be overwhelming.  He's had this way of encroaching on my life and space whether it be coaching my soccer team or wooing a girl(we're only 2 years apart) or constantly being on my laptop and having to go where I go.....  I'm just doing my best not to aggravate his condition so I haven't confronted him about any of this.  We did have a little feud a couple days ago about him keeping all his shit in the bed of my truck but he got over it relatively quickly.

What's troubling me is that I envy him.  He has almost zero inhibitions where I am much more reserved/cautious about how I approach things.  At times I think to myself that maybe I need to learn from him.  Maybe I need to be more bold, more assertive, but then I also think maybe the person I am right now is exactly what he needs.  Whether it's related to my dreams or not I feel it's definitely something I need to meditate on.

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Dream Interpretation / Re: Continue to dream of Ex and in a New Relationship

« on: August 07, 2013, 01:39:09 AM »

Well, I am single man again.  Looking back on this dream I can see more clearly how the psychiatrist was the enabler in that relationship and how he was very much a part of me.  He was indeed keeping me disoriented.  It was disorientation that was necessary for me to maintain that relationship.  I ignored so many things that bothered me about her like the excessive drinking in the company of her children, the disrespect she showed me, and a few other things.  Though I believe I rewarded from the relationship.  It was the easiest breakup I remember ever having.  There has been zero hostility.  We still even chat from time-to-time. 

I also believe my subconscious may have been bringing to focus the fact that she was refused to be open with her feelings.  She became defensive when I would want to talk about the relationship which wasn't all that often.  Yet another aspect of the relationship I chose to ignore. 

But all is well. I'm on the right track.  Just completed a CNA course today and haven't touched weed for about three weeks now.  I also had one of the most awe-inspiring flying dreams just the other night.  I simply rose in the air, soaring ever higher.