Messages

16

Dream Interpretation / Re: The Things we Forgive

« on: May 06, 2013, 05:28:39 PM »

I could use some help with this...

I had a dream within a dream.  In the inner dream, I was lying on my bed, and I'm not sure what was going on but I felt a strong feeling of feeling paralyzed and out of control.
On the ceiling was a piece of paper, flapping, with the word "Jayseus" written on it.
I was desperately trying to call for "Jesus", but my mouth and tongue wouldn't work (I'm guessing I was trying to actually do this in my sleep).
I ('falsely') woke up with a start, telling my friend about the experience, then woke up again.

So, this tells me at a deep level I am feeling paralzyed and not in control and fearful.
What I don't understand is the Jesus theme - I dreamed of the devil a few weeks ago and he asked me what sent me back to Jesus, and I said, "You!"
In the past, when I've had dreams of poltergeist activity, I called on the power of Christ to "banish" the spirits (maybe from seeing The Exorcist when I was younger?).

I don't identify as Christian.  Jesus is a name that rarely comes out of my mouth.
I'm wondering what the heck is going on deep in my psyche??!!!

Ideally, I would be able to surrender to the feelings of paralysis and not being in control, rather than fearing and fighting them.

Maybe I can get back into this dream, but I'm not sure - when the feelings are so strong it's often difficult for me to get back into them.

17

Dream Interpretation / Re: The Things we Forgive

« on: May 04, 2013, 09:48:29 AM »

I'm up late tonight/this morning.
I feel tired and full of energy at the same time.
It has been quite a ride to stay with me and not abandon myself in the wake of the feelings aroused by a gallbladder attack - I addressed the immediate pain with a home remedy that worked but once that settled...
wow.
I asked what would heal all the congestion in my guts and my body let me know there were many many many feelings to be felt.  Not what I would call painful, or even extreme, but agonizing feelings that felt like death or dying or being on the verge of death.  Such a challenge to let them be and allow them to move in their own time, without seeking relief or a fix.

Feeling and processing unmet childhood needs - agony is not an exaggeration.
As far as I can tell, the only way out of addiction is through these feelings the addictions seek to relieve.
I feel like, just about nothing that was acceptable to me in relationships before is anything near acceptable now.  I'm saying no at every turn to anything that drains me, to men who seek to have sex with me, or chat me up, or string me along but not love me.
Breaking the addictions to the external guidance, approval, validation and reconnecting to my inner compass...profoundly uncomfortable and liberating at the same time.

18

Dream Interpretation / The Things we Forgive

« on: May 04, 2013, 12:25:45 AM »

I was both observing and part of this dream.
First, observing - I was given a sort of 'telepathic' explanation of the backstory of two very different people, one a young black woman, the other a young blonde white boy.  Both had been deeply impacted by the actions of an evil scientist sort of black man, who had destroyed both their families, causing profound pain.  They were both in his laboratory.

He cut off their heads but was able to keep them alive somehow.  He put the severed heads, in a small lighted chamber.  In some way, I was in there with them, but also outside.  I wondered how they would managed to not go insane, being placed in this chamber, with no bodies.  I wondered if they could feel pain.  I felt intensely claustrophobic, yet I coached myself to be still and allow the feeling and not fight it. 

I watched the woman's head nestle against the boy's.  The boy began to complain that he was feeling pain, that his throat was very sore.

The woman offered to breastfeed him and somehow they now had bodies.  She was wearing a strapless silver dress, one strap pulled down and a lovely breast exposed to feed him as he nursed.

The scene shifted again, the black woman and I were squatting together outside the chamber, which was now open. 
There were two open containers inside, with mushy flesh in each one.  I understood that there was a device made to dissolve each head "in time" and it had done it's job.

We each picked up a container, the woman led me to a beautiful garden.
I looked down, and there were tiny fairies on either side of my foot where I stepped.  I greeted them, "Hello, fairies!" and felt delighted to see them, noticing there were more along the path leading to a pond.

The woman waded into the pond, I followed, realizing we were to dump the contents of the containers in the pond. 
I worried a bit whether we might be contaminating the water, but I trusted her.
She waded further out, into a patch of lilypads, while I stayed where there were none.  I dumped the contents of the container into the water, playing with the fish who swam up to eat whatever it was (dissolved severed head?), little fairies skimmed across the water....this imagery was VERY vivid, more real than reality.

The scene shifted and I am following the woman again, up a ladder into a loft that is an open kitchen. 
She moves to the left, and I see the evil scientist person, in evil clown makeup, lying on the floor on his side, looking at something.

I feel moved to take a closer look, I need to see this person up close. 
He turns over, looks at me, and his makeup has dissolved into foamy bubbles, like bath bubbles.
It then dissolves away, he turns and is gazing lovingly at a small black baby girl, wearing tiny gold earrings who is smiling and cooing at him.

As I observe this change, it's as if the woman is narrating to me, there is poignant movie music playing, the phrase I remember hearing is, "the things we forgive".  I took the message to mean something like, as we forgive the past, the horrors that have been done to us, things will change and we will experience love again.

19

Dream Interpretation / Re: Chasing

« on: April 13, 2013, 06:33:35 PM »

Maybe chasing isn't the right title - I didn't feel like I was chasing, I just heard him singing to me and calling to me and I loved hearing him and his song so much I just wanted to go to him.

Now I'm thinking of past relationships - where I gave so much, and judged myself harshly for 'chasing', but the truth is, I just loved these men so much, I wanted to please them.  Maybe it wasn't the wrong thing to do.

20

Dream Interpretation / Chasing

« on: April 13, 2013, 06:29:13 PM »

I am in a large building.  I hear a man I have strong feelings for calling for me, he is singing and calling for me and calling me by my first name, Beloved, (I usually go by my middle name).
I am running up a flight of blue stairs, into a dead end corridor, I turn around immediately and head for another flight of stairs, this time going down, seeing a new way I hadn't seen before.  I feel appreciation for the sturdiness of the blue wooden handrails.
I arrive in an open room, where C is.
It is a showroom, wide and expansive.
I see an antique car, like something from the 20's, with no top.  C is in it, facing away from me.  The car is cordoned off with a velvet rope, open at one side, there are 3 other women in the car, about to have sex with him.
I run away, into another area, where there are 2 guys sleeping.
The scene shifts and one of the guys wakes up and tells me C already left for another city.
I feel horrible, as I realize he didn't come to see ME, it was just convenient for him on his way through.

~~~
So, at first I went back into the dream to see better what was going on.  I imagined different scenarios, where he followed me down and I told him how I felt and he comforted me, or just left.

What I am noticing is, that I wouldn't allow myself to hear the whole conversation when he started to say something I didn't want to be true.

I wondered whether, this is the reality of the situation with him?  Is this a message that I am only a passing convenience to him?  Or is that my fear? 

In typing this up, I realize I didn't explore the option of just getting in the car with him, or calling him over to me - I mean, he was singing to me and calling me - I saw him with other women and made some assumptions.

In my ideal scenario, he would be coming to me.  In waking life, he calls me a magnet and talks about how he feels magnetized to me, so why am I dreaming about answering his song?  I am believing that is somehow wrong, or off...I am the woman, he should be answering my song or something. 

I'm at a point in my life where I am seeing how I cut myself off from what I want most by making up stories about men and their motives, so I would love some help with this.  I noticed that when I feel insecure is when thoughts of 'cutting people off' and stories of how they don't really care about me or they are just that way or whatever come up, instead of just asking for what I want and need.  I can see how I felt insecure, seeing him in a car, with other women, I felt insecure and ran off.

Okay, that opens up other possibilities in my mind...
I'd still so very much love to hear what you say, this is a topic that is very important to me - love and relationships with men...

21

Dream Interpretation / Re: Related dreams involving intense rib/breast discomfort

« on: March 24, 2013, 03:01:36 PM »

So this little one was around quite a bit for a week or so, following me around the house, crawling in bed with me at night.
He told me his name is Diego, and the more I see of him the more he reflects me as a little one, walking around sucking my thumb and carrying my security blanket.  He is my infantile desire for bonding - I was adopted, and into an ignorant family who thought they were doing the best thing for me by putting pepper on my thumb, shaming me for bedwetting, and taking away my security blanket.  Difficult enough for any child, exacerbated by the deep insecurity of feeling like I had no tether, nowhere to 'land' of being separated from my mother at birth...plus a string of babysitters, one after another after another - only one was not abusive in some way, I adore her and love her to this day!

Anyway...getting back to Diego.  I've picked him up, held him, carried  him in a sling, snuggled with him, given him whatever he needs whenever he shows up.  I feel fond of him and have noticed that as I feel more at ease with him, my love for my long-term friend and former lover has deepened.  Instead of impulsively cutting him off in my life and heart and mind whenever I would feel triggered, I noticed I allow myself to feel how deeply I do love him, how much he means to me, and we have had hours and hours of lively, engaging conversations recently.  After knowing him for 11 years, I still feel like I am meeting a new person, discovering facets of him I never knew before.  Discovering how deeply aligned our values in some directions are.  I'm planning on moving across the country to live closer to him, he lives in a much more desirable area more populated with more like-hearted and like-minded folks, the community there will be better for me.  I've begun to allow myself to go to what's familiar, to trust it rather than be suspicious of it as something bad or dysfunctional.

The 'devil' from the other dream, I imagine dissipating like the morning dew whenever I notice him, leaving me feeling lighter.  My health has improved tremendously in the past 2 weeks, I find I am naturally choosing correct and perfect supplements and intuitively knew to stop eating wheat, discovering later that all of the symptoms I was experiencing was associated with gluten intolerance.

Transformation...I feel it.  I feel like a butterfly or the phoenix.  It helps quite a bit that it is spring time.  It feels amazing to feel the sun shining through the window.

Tony, your site and your work have meant so much to me.
I don't know how, but I *will* repay you someday.  Thank you.

22

Dream Interpretation / Re: Related dreams involving intense rib/breast discomfort

« on: March 18, 2013, 08:35:51 AM »

I value your input and I trust my judgment with this one implicitly.  I was acting with command, as an adult with a child.  One thing I know for certain is that children feel safer and more secure when the adults are in charge, they feel very insecure when they feel as if they can get away with bloody murder and run unchecked.  I havent repressed this one... Dialogue has not been the right thing to do as he is pre-verbal.  He has been steadily on my mind this week and every time i see him i hand him a glass of magical elixir of "whatever he needs " and shower him with love-light.

Just as I was composing this post he came to me and wrapped around my left leg, then came to be held against my chest, soft and sweet, gentle.

Interestingly I am awake at 3 am after having an epic dream of being in bed with the devil and though I felt foggy, I repeatedly directed feelings of love and compassion toward him.

It was as vivid as a movie scene!

At one point I called for Jesus, and he snarled, "Jesus?  What drove you back to HIM?"

"You!" I retorted, bemused.

I believe this "devil" is a creation in my mind born of feelings of feelings of hurt, betrayal and separation.  A devil of bad and sloppy habits, of isolation,  of self-pity and despair and shame.

23

Dream Interpretation / Related dreams involving intense rib/breast discomfort

« on: March 11, 2013, 07:17:53 PM »

Two nights ago I dreamed I was facing a tiny young woman who was being held protectively, although she was struggling a bit, by a man, lounging on a sofa.

Her name is Mercedes (the avatar of an acquaintance I admire) and I told her, "Mercedes, look!  You can't hurt me!  Look!  You can't hurt me!  Look how much control you have over me!" as I felt something like electric buzzing on the outer sides of my breasts, as if a TENS unit had been hooked to them.  It felt like paralysis, too?
It seemed to me as if she were somehow controlling my movements.

I insisted to her, "I AM love!" at which point, I woke up (false awakening! - although it seemed more like zooming out of a scene) lying on a sprawling bed, with my new smartphone on my chest, listening to a decree being sung called "We are In Love".  I recognized the tune (although this artist has never released this particular decree/music to my knowledge), smiled, reached above my head to find a pair of dark, big goggles resting on the headboard (I believe this was happening simultaneously in an 'overlay' dream). 

I realized they were not mine, I felt relieved and put them away
While at the same time, in the 'other dream', I smiled at the lyrics "We are in love" and
awakened to this reality, feeling pleased.


I notice this dream seems to reveal conflicting thoughts or beliefs - I am love, you cannot hurt me, and yet at the same time you have control over me that feels horribly uncomfortable and buzzing on the sides of my breasts.  Perhaps simply a window to reveal the conflict for resolution? 


Second dream - last night I awakened in the middle of the night and couldn't sleep so I expected a lucid dream after falling asleep finally about 3:30am.

Not to be disappointed, I became lucid and the part of the dream that feels related to the other dream is this:
As I became lucid, I began to rise, floating.  I felt a strong male body supporting me and lifting me and it felt very light and easy and good.

Gratefully I was saying, "Thank you thank you yes, thank you!"
But when I said, "Thank you, Jesus!" the male dropped back down to the ground, bringing me with him.  He seemed angry and/or disapproving.

I said, "It feels bad to feel (let down?) (I don't remember the exact phrase, my notes are at home).

I only saw a shadow of his lower body, then I felt fingertips digging painfully into the sides of my breasts from behind (along the ribcage).  I pried the fingers off a couple of times, then managed to disentangle myself.

I turned to see an emaciated young black boy, wearing jeans and no shirt, looking at me.
I told him, "I want you to stop hurting me."
When he didn't respond the way I liked, I took both of his hands with one of my hands and held them firmly behind his back, to show him I am not kidding, knelt down and in his face said,
"I want you to stop hurting me."


The dream shifted after that to other interesting scenes but I noticed the intense and uncomfortable feelings in the same place in the 2 dreams which caught my attention.

I will dialogue with the boy and learn more about him.  I've met with a character like him not too long ago through dream theater, who desperately wants my attention but is being bratty about it and going for negative attention - the kind of kid who really really really is dying to be held but won't accept a tender hug, will instead jump on the furniture and break toys and make big scenes.


It's so weird that my waking life seems so..peaceful (boring!) and going nowhere, but my dreams reflect to me that perhaps a lot is actually happening under the surface.

24

Dream Interpretation / Re: I love you, I'm sorry, thank you

« on: March 11, 2013, 06:21:46 PM »

Yes, Tony, I have certainly read that piece, many times!
I probably re-read it every time I see you recommend it to someone.  I would say it, along with your other work, has been so important to me.

I haven't been able to relax enough on my own to release anything really deep for the most part.
I have been successful in releasing just after acupuncture and during a couple of massages.  Just a week or so ago, while my neck was being massaged, I felt an opening in my heart area and an intense longing and sorrow along with extremely vivid images of wishing that a former lover would just once reach out for me and 'be real'.
I had NO idea that was there!  Some stuff I have released that I recognized but that one was totally a surprise.  With consistent strokes, there was a few minutes of deep sobbing and then laughter and feeling light and blissed again.

It's so wild to me the things we repress and don't even have a clue they exist!
I am fairly certain there is some repressed rage and I don't feel like I have a safe place to express that so I acknowledge it and hand it valentines and love, trusting it will resolve one way or another, when the time is right.

25

Dream Interpretation / Re: I love you, I'm sorry, thank you

« on: January 27, 2013, 11:33:56 PM »

More to this....

More memories and understanding of this dream has surfaced and now I can see that I am finally finally coming to accept and integrate that I was raped, physically, emotionally, psychologically - and the shame of being a victim of someone I love.

I've felt waves of rage and anger nausea and clarity and a couple of people I've clung to I now feel like I just never ever ever want to be around them again.  I don't hate them, my feelings have changed and the process of life responding to the feelings has an effect of sort of giving me a vaccination.  I don't feel an attraction to them anymore.

26

Dream Interpretation / Re: I love you, I'm sorry, thank you

« on: January 26, 2013, 02:07:44 AM »

After having had some time with this dream - I've come to see that the piercing sensation I felt in the heart, along with the feelings of gratitude, love, and remorse
was an ecstatic experience in the truest sense.

This week I've had 2 dreams of 2 exes, who I dated back to back.  The 2nd has a personality disorder that I was too mentally ill myself at the time to grasp.  I dreamed he showed his 'hateful' face to respected members of our community who wouldn't believe he would ever treat anyone the way he treated me behind closed doors.  I felt like I was validating myself internally in a way that I would never get in waking life.  He also pissed on my face, which speaks to me of sexual feelings coming through.

The other dream was one of acceptance, that the other ex was simply invested in mediocrity and always would be, he was never never ever never going to like or approve of my preference for sophisticated beauty, and that's just the way he is.  It's not about me.  I felt a clarity, peace and acceptance.

My intention has been to experience deep, true, enduring, synergistic, organic, divine love in human form with other humans.  My dreams lead me to believe I'm clearing out the crap at unconscious levels in order to allow this to manifest as and through me.  I woke up this morning, grieving and struggling, grieving and struggling and simply surrendering to it.  The thoughts and images don't really make sense to me, and it is difficult to discern 'imaginal' from 'real' in some ways, and in other ways I feel wiser and much more clear.

It feels scary to surrender to life.  I am thinking, Tony, of your dream of the happy people and the ones struggling, and I feel the same scenario happening within me.  My trust is growing, though and I feel like a sprout breaking ground...I don't have to figure out how to or even let myself become the oak, it's in my blueprint

27

Dream Interpretation / Re: I love you, I'm sorry, thank you

« on: January 16, 2013, 07:19:46 PM »

Also to add - I noticed that as I was waking up in the middle of the intense feelings, I was also breathing deeply to relax and "allow" the feeling.  Sort of a "I can't fight this so I'll receive and allow it" response.

I feel a little wowed by my own unconscious response, which reflects to me that my spiritual practices are showing up even unconsciously.
There were a few thoughts like, "I thought for sure love would take care of all of this."
So, perhaps I was unconsciously thinking that vulnerability and love would stop  someone in their tracks from attacking me.

I asked myself about the meaning of this dream, the answer was,
"Stop being so grateful, it leaves you vulnerable.  Stop opening your heart to mean people, they will turn on you." which I interpreted as a fear response to my increasing capacity to freely show and allow feelings of vulnerability.

The brother represents softer, kinder masculine feelings, protective and nurturing.

I dialogued with the uncle:

rain_dancer: Who do you represent?
uncle: The part of you desperately craving relief frorm the burden of life.  The death urge.

rd:  Why did you kill my brother?
uncle:  Because it felt good - relief from rage, rage at life. (note - this reminds me of more and more consciously noticing feelings of guilt for bringing a child into this "horrible and scary world" - also the rage of "I didn't ask to be here!  I didn't ask to be born!  I didn't ask to be made and have to face and deal with all of this pain and cruelty!)

rd:  Why did you rape me?
uncle: I want to defile you - to be rid of/purge this foulness in me.  I want to make you suffer/dirtly like me.  Then you will love me and we can be equals and I will feel better (relief).  I will be relieved of this burden of sin.  You are so pure.  I hate your pure and unsullied nature.

~~~
I felt so validated by this dream, as I've recently committed myself to becoming an embodiment of a particular deity of love and compassion.  I've heard it said that love brings up anything unlike itself to be healed.
I noticed that shortly after I began my sadhana in earnest, I picked up smoking clove cigarettes - and I'm not a smoker!!
I see the smoking as a manifestation of the part of me that felt split off and dirty and ashamed wanting to be integrated.

The way I processed this dream after the dialogue, then was to start with the feelings and go for a walk.  It was FRIGGIN COLD!! and I did this to take advantage of my body's ability to process information in a non-linear way, intentionally exaggerating the arm-swinging movements to receive the benefit of the arm/leg cross-movement.

While I was walking, I did inquiry.  "I want to defile you, is this true?  How do I feel when I believe that thought?  Who would I be without that thought?" and on in the same way with the other thoughts.
I asked myself if I was willing to forgive my mother for conceiving and birthing me (and now that I think of it, can I forgive my father for giving me life as well?).
I asked myself whether I could forgive myself for giving my son life and bringing him into this world in such an unconscious way.

After, I felt back into the gratitude of the dream - I know that the painful piercing of my emotional heart can make it stronger, and more resilient and the gratitude for that gift is a sweet, profound, blissful feeling.
Not only is it stronger, it is wiser.  More and more I feel like I have the heart of a woman, instead of a little girl.  I don't feel so vulnerable to the games of a player who used to be able to tug at and play my heartstrings and manipulate me - not just in love but also in dominoes!

So anyway, I soon felt back into being the uncle - in his shoes, what do I really want?  I broke down sobbing...to be good, to be good, to be GOOD, I just want to be GOOD good good, to be right (as in, aligned and right with myself, not morally right).  I loved and held myself tenderly, without reassuring myself, simply letting the thoughts and feelings flow.

Meditation and yoga before bed...and a good sleep with no remembered dreams!

I would still love and appreciate hearing your perspective, Tony, as I usually feel surprised and delighted at what you have to share!

28

General Discussion / Re: Mendependence Day

« on: January 16, 2013, 01:53:54 PM »

My experience with courting men is that it makes them lazy and infantile - it make them regress rather than grow and develop.
It is a childish fantasy, for the most part, to have a woman do the courting.  The reality of it doesn't hold up.
If a man is courting to GET something from a woman, then it will be exhausting, frustrating, futile and painful.
When a man courts a woman for the pleasure of courting, and for the pleasure of her company, the pleasure of the experience, the pleasure of simply being with a woman,
then he enjoys the process, enjoys being a man, enjoys life.

Unless a man is more inclined to be feminine and embraces that, a man will tend to resist (usually unconsciously) because he sees her as "mother" and doesn't really want to date or be married to his mother.

AMICRAZY, the tone of your post suggests to me some deep hurts around feeling rejected and unworthy.
Take care of those, and be with women for the pleasure of being with a woman rather than trying to get your needs met, and you will see the male/female dynamic differently, from a more empowered, holistic perspective.

29

Dream Interpretation / I love you, I'm sorry, thank you

« on: January 15, 2013, 10:22:57 AM »

I was a young black woman, in a room hiding behind a room divider.
I watched in horror as my uncle murdered my brother with a knife and laid the knife on a counter.
I burst out from behind the divider and fell to my knees, arms wide, feeling as if my heart had been pierced, wailing, "I love you, I'm sorry, thank you."
The passion and surge of gratitude and love I felt overcame my fear of what might happen, momentarily.  My uncle approached me and I went unconscious for a moment to awaken to him grabbing me and for a split second it seemed as if he was approaching me with love and I felt a breath of relief, only to realize with horror that he had grabbed my head and forced his penis into my mouth and was raping my mouth and urinating in it.  I grabbed his testicles (which felt like small boy testes) and tried to twist them to get him to stop, but I felt weak, powerless, ineffective and it didn't faze him in the least.
The force of the feeling all down my left side of my face and throat woke me up.

30

General Discussion / Re: Judgments

« on: June 16, 2012, 04:05:08 PM »

*giggling*
Perfect, thank you, that articulates exactly what was wanting to surface.

I forget sometimes that I don't have to be polite and peacemaker with my thoughts, I can be more assertive with them (and now seeing how the way I treat my inner experience plays out in 'external' reality!).