Messages

31

General Discussion / Re: Gentle, soothing, meditative - a baby's first bath

« on: June 10, 2012, 05:33:39 AM »

Here is a link minus the advertising (well, it's minimal standard YouTube fare):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=OPSAgs-exfQ

I can relate to the tension.  This video made me melt, but just yesterday I saw a photo of a beautiful woman who had just given birth who was obviously ecstatic and I felt a surge of anger that she was wearing a summer dress rather than putting the baby right on the skin.  I spent a good part of the day today hiking in the woods and sorting out my feelings about it, taking back the projection and feeling into the baby's actual experience. 

32

General Discussion / Judgments

« on: June 10, 2012, 05:25:24 AM »

Tony, I remember reading something you wrote that I can't find right now and want to hear more about.
What I remember, is you coming to the realization that it wasn't trauma in your body or this or that or the other that kept you from being able to love, it was your judgments.

That has stuck with me, and tonight especially while caught in a heated family exchange where I seemingly lost all ability to stay present and communicate using 'feeling' language.  I watched family members play out an ongoing argument that seems so very well rehearsed (and apparently is something that they do every single night), and it was so far out of my usual experience that when I wasn't adding fuel to the fire by trying to be reasonable and rational, all I could do was check in with my body, and sit there, slack-jawed, thinking, "This is insanity.  Insanity.  Insanity. Insanity."
I thought of what you wrote, and wondered if I was paralyzed by my judgment of how insane the whole situation was and tried to find what you wrote and glean any insight if possible about how to change the judgments.

33

General Discussion / Gentle, soothing, meditative - a baby's first bath

« on: May 06, 2012, 09:02:28 AM »

Tony, I thought you would appreciate this:
An exquisitely gentle and soothing 1st bath for a newborn

34

Dream Interpretation / Re: A birth dream after a LifeStream session

« on: April 13, 2012, 02:07:34 AM »

Mulling over the dream...I'm thinking of the other recent dream I asked about in which I saw a preemie or aborted baby.

I notice that the birth is easy...but I hand the baby over to someone else to care for, although I want to nurture and love and hold the baby, I put it in someone else's care who I perceive as 'better' for her.
Recently I have been considering in my life how I seem to be a 'muse'.  I meet people, ask questions that make them think and open them to possibilities, and they end up benefiting.  Which I'm happy with, but I'm wondering if I'm giving away my 'juice' without allowing myself to benefit.
I recently met a chef, and after a couple of hours of conversation with him about dreaming, he was suddenly inspired to dream up new menus, and his dreaming life (which he barely thought of and hadn't noticed that he remembered his dreams) has become, according to him, nearly seamless with waking life.

I'll practice LifeStream again tonight and see what happens...

35

Dream Interpretation / A birth dream after a LifeStream session

« on: April 12, 2012, 02:50:29 PM »

Last night I did  LifeStream session (at least my interpretation of what it is).

First, I did the arm circles, moved and stretched, yawned, then laid down and after running through a mental list of “what to fix?” I asked my body what it needs to express/release most in that moment.
Immediately, my pelvis began rocking, my head shaking back and forth as if to say, “NO!”.  I was surprised at how quickly my body took over and how easy it was.

For nearly an hour, I laid on the floor while my pelvis rocked and bumped in different ways, my chest popping and rising.  I asked what would help my breathing be more easy and free, and long, humming tones erupted from my body, I was making sounds I had never heard myself make before.  I was slightly startled to feel some of the vibration resonating in my pelvis.  I made gurgling sounds, and more and more long, humming, tones.  Several times all of the breath squeezed out of my lungs which was really uncomfortable, but I trusted it and eventually the breath would always suck back in on it’s own.

At some point, I felt as if a baby were birthing between my legs, seeming stuck there for all eternity.  I sobbed, thinking of the death of my infant son, begging Life, “Can this be over?  Can this please be over now?  (tears come to my eyes as I type this).  Can this be over now?” again and again, dozens of times.  I felt the deep sorrow and pain once again of that experience and the aftermath.  Then, still crying, I began repeating, “Precious, precious, precious, precious, precious, my baby my baby my baby.”

At some point, the pain was intense and just so familiar, in despair I cried out, “Do I really have to live through this one more time to release this?  Can it be gentle?  Can it be gentle?” Again and again, I cried out, “Can it be gentle instead? What other possibilities are there?” Through the tears, laughter bubbled up, and after a time of tears and laughter, I felt the session was complete.  I felt very tired and beat up.

After which I dreamed:
I am lying in bed, I am pregnant and I know the baby is coming.  I am not in pain, I simply know it’s time and I call out to my sister, “The baby’s coming!  Get here now!  She’s coming!”  Even while I’m saying this, the baby is born.  I am in a bed, under blankets, and I reach down for the baby I know is a girl.  There has been no pain with the delivery.

I put her to my breast, and she puts her lips to me to nurse, but then my sister lifts her out of my hold and puts the baby to HER breast.  I feel sad, conflicted, yet somehow it seems to make weird sense….for some reason now, the baby is to go to my niece, who is on her way (in waking life she is pregnant), and my sister is nursing the baby because her milk is more like my niece’s milk.  I am not sure how I feel about it, perhaps deep down I go along with it and pass the baby along because I think it’s best and that they are going to be better for the baby than me (tearing up as I write this so touching something yes).  I feel sorrow, I really want to nurse the baby (reflecting a sense of loss in waking life that I didn’t nurse my children – 1st one I didn’t know anything about anything about mothering, and 2nd one passed just after birth, I had nothing to dry up my milk and it was extremely physically and emotionally painful to be so full of milk with no baby to feed.)

It’s so intensely emotional to even type all of this out…it has been over 23 years since my son passed and I wonder if it’s even possible to just not have it hurt anymore.

36

Dream Interpretation / Re: There's a dead person in there

« on: April 11, 2012, 06:05:44 PM »

I forgot to add that the woman who experienced giving birth took four sessions to get to that point. She started with the arm circling meditation to get her moving. Then came the allowing of spontaneous movement - very little happening. Then another little happening - and then suddenly there it was.

I think it helps to have someone with you. I think the feature http://dreamhawk.com/approaches-to-being/lifes-little-secrets/ might explain a bit more.

Tony

Reading the other post about Healing the Incurable made something click...and I'll give it more time, as well.
I don't have anyone I know that I would trust to hold that space for me, but I do trust myself more than ever so I'll keep you posted.

It's my pleasure to respond, thank you for receiving, I wondered if it was annoying or "too much" to respond with so much, I know I've written some long, rambling posts and I appreciate you saying that it's good for you.

37

Healing Dreams / Re: A New Medicine Dream

« on: April 11, 2012, 04:55:18 PM »

Well Loved Dakota – You keep on having very clear and ordered dreams. But there is too much for me to comment on.

I feel the main thing is that you realise that you are an Elder, and a bridge between the old ways and the new. The old ways were always couched in symbols as in dreams. The new ways I hope will be taken out of symbols into clear language understandable by today’s people.

Tony GW – old, tired, GW

A sweet, sweet dream, thank you for sharing, Dakota.  I feel so much compassion and care in what you share.

Tony, your comment tickled me because of a dream I had the night before last.
A friend of mine was standing before me, and she tells me very directly that she is representing an aspect of myself that is Very Angry with me.  I ask, "Does something hurt?  Do you need a hug?" and we hug.
Next scene, we are driving in a car, and the same friend says, "She is Very Angry with you, and would shoot you alive if she could.  And she loves you."
I say, "I respect that.  And tell her I love her back," my friend chuckles at this.
There was still some symbolism, (driving through a flooded area, then out of it and around the flood), but otherwise, I think that is as direct and straightforward as I can imagine. 
It was too funny to have the dream character tell me straight out what she represents without actually acting out anger towards me.

So...it's happening, at least here in my lens.  My friend, on the other hand, was run over by a fuel truck driven by an angry woman in his dream on the same night..but he loves drama so I think he liked it   

38

Healing Dreams / Re: Healing of the Incurable?

« on: April 11, 2012, 04:41:05 PM »

Ooooooohhhhh....I get it now...
I thought the fantasies, confusion and stuff that would come up were a *distraction* from the answer, I just NOW got that they ARE the answer...
I will try this tonight.
Thank you!

39

Dream Interpretation / Re: There's a dead person in there

« on: April 08, 2012, 02:50:06 PM »

Thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you!!!

I was meditating last night, and thought of a memory of a cranio-sacral session I had over a year ago.  I felt uncomfortable with the therapist, and was trying to calm my fear, and he said, "No, just be with it, tell me who I represent to you."
I said, "You are the one who cuts people up to see how they work inside."  What came up then, came up again, an aspect like a cobra, scanning, scanning, scanning, always on the lookout for enemies, always suspicious, always wanting to "get a fix" on someone and strike - >>"You sense peril though none is in sight.<<

Then I thought of this dream, logged on, and cracked up laughing when I read, "A bit like dissecting a frog to find out what life was – only to find a dead frog."

Yes, exactly right. 

>>It seems like you asked yourself the question, “Who am I?” And there is not answer to that if we are thinking of ourselves as a body.<<
It fits even better when I remember thinking, in horror, "it's not human!"

The story you shared about the woman, I have read several times on your site.  I have asked my body how to complete the process and haven't experienced anything physically like she described, but did gain some clarity on a small change I need to make at work - mainly to eat by myself at lunch and spend time drawing instead of playing dominoes with the guys. 

I appreciate and feel quite grateful that you threw the I Ching for me...and it's all quite relevant.  This was really helpful, "Some issues cannot be resolved by confronting them or being active. They call for a period of allowing internal processes to mature, as the hen does while brooding on her eggs."  Bit by bit I have been allowing myself to be more and more quiet, more still, more "non-productive" and noticing judgements about laziness, uselessness, stagnation arising around it.  To think of it as sitting on my eggs gives me a different picture.

40

Dream Interpretation / There's a dead person in there

« on: April 03, 2012, 07:45:09 PM »

Hiya Tony,

I'd appreciate your perspective on last night's dream.
I've planted the seed for opening a coffee shop/art gallery called, "Dream Matrix Cafe", and last night I asked for a dream to show me more of what the creation wants to be through me.  The dream I had was totally unexpected, I haven't taken time to sit with it yet but I will tonight.

I see a face in front of me, facing up.  I only see the face, it is seemingly not connected to a body.  I also see, at the mouth, one of those squeeze-bulb oxygen mask things that emergency technicians use, and a hand squeezing the bulb to pump oxygen in through the mouth.
I see another hand, slicing the face from the upper left temple, down under the nose, and back up to the opposite temple, and it pulls the flap back to expose what's underneath, effectively pulling the face back to expose what's underneath.
It's a pretty gruesome sight, and I cringe, I feel some distress that they aren't using anesthetic for this.
I feel a moment of relief when the hand replaces the flap of skin, but feel distress again when it is pulled back yet again, and now my vision zooms in on the exposed tissue, and I can see a drill now drilling into the exposed flesh.
Again I feel distress that no anesthetic is being used, and the tissue underneath isn't like what I'd expect, it's not like bone and muscles, it's spongey and porous and like fat.

I hear screaming voice, "There's a dead person in there!"
Now...what I also notice upon reflection, I felt the voice move through me as if I were saying it, but in the dream it seemed like someone else's voice.  Also, the closeness and angle of the drill lead me to believe it was possibly "me" doing the drilling, and observing from a dissociated viewpoint because of the horror or gruesomeness of the action.

I see an image of my niece, hear her name, and something about a vaccination.

Next I see an image of a well-formed, yet very premature baby girl who is being dumped into a bowl, as if a late-term abortion.

Then something about giving someone a book about President Obama.

The scene shifts, I'm on a beach with a group of people, it is sunset.  The sunset is glorious, with unusual colors, the clouds are an unusually dark purple and seem to be rising toward the sun as it sets.
A blonde gay man shows up, he came to get a man named "Puppy" who was with our group, but Puppy has left and gone ahead with another group.

This sounds as if it perhaps doesn't bode well for my business so I may be on the wrong track with it.
I went back into it, and started asking questions, but quickly became confused.
A: "Who is this face?"
B: "Just some homeless bum off the street.  Nobody really."
A: What are we doing?  Why the drill?
B:  It's to get all of the mother energy out, it has to get out...(which makes me think of the preemie baby, and the thought "Unwanted" which reminds me of a time in the past that I got pregnant on purpose, then had an abortion, at the time I was very unstable and it was if I had two minds that worked against each other more violently and dramatically than recently).
A: So, what do we really want then?  We think we're going to get something out of this business but we actually want something else, what is it?
B: More friends, security, a social life, feeling full and important
A: Does the mother energy really need to go?  Is there some other way to release it?
B: A sledgehammer
A: Ok, that's good, any other ways?  Is there a gentle way?  A miracle way?

And then a puddle of annoyance and confusion, a couple of of my mind's favorite defense mechanisms.

Over the weekend I had some pretty blissful sexual dreams, and in my dreams as well as real life my sexual energy has been way more free than ever.  I've been flirtatious and sexually comfortable with people of all ages, shapes, sizes, letting it all turn me on.  I'm wondering if some perceived danger associated with that is showing up?

I'll meditate more...my mind is so super excellent at obfuscating this stuff I am so grateful for any clarity!

41

Dream Interpretation / Re: Expansion of Consciousness

« on: February 10, 2012, 09:51:27 PM »

Last night I dreamed a black troll demon was running away with my baby.

I sprang into action, chasing after it and ZAPPED with an energy bolt at the same time commanding, "I BLESS YOU!" It stopped and instantly turned into a beautiful creature, laughing and giggling.

Suddenly I was surrounded by a host of demons all closing in on me, and a song erupted from my being, my knowing and my voice powerful, strong, commanding and clear, "BLESS you, bless you, you are my *SISTERS* and I BLESS you!" and they all transformed into beautiful beings and we dissolved into laughter together ♥

After waking from this dream I was overcome with a temporary sense of unshakable joy, trust, unity, well-being.  All is right with the world, all is well.  Today I have alternated between bubbling over with joy and laughter and tears, and being in intense physical pain and feeling constricted, which I think is probably natural given how open and pure I felt in the dream, it stirred up the dross.

Thank you so much for paving the way, Tony, I feel your presence so often when I work with my dreams and I find it comforting.

42

Dream Interpretation / Re: Expansion of Consciousness

« on: January 22, 2012, 06:17:27 PM »

Well, you asked about the flood and you got it

A recent fragment that I'm fond of:  as I awakened the last line from the dream reverberated through my head, "The truth is, you are not helpless anymore."

and last night, a fragment of thinking repeatedly in a dream, 'well, if I'm really honest with myself then..."

Yesterday during dream theater I played around a bit with constellating (a la Burt Hellinger and Virginia Satir if you are familiar).  Instead of acting out the characters, I had people simply stand in the place of the character and notice what they noticed, then directed them to move to a more comfortable place in the room to relieve the tension between the characters.  It was so fun!  One woman played a lifeless doll in her dream, and as the other aspect moved to where she preferred to be in the room, the doll came alive and danced and became very animated and relaxed.  Even standing on the side witnessing, I could feel the relief and the spark of life.  Fun stuff!

43

Dream Interpretation / Re: Expansion of Consciousness

« on: January 19, 2012, 08:03:46 PM »

Thank you for that perspective, Deepa.
In the dream the doors had a distinctly Egyptian feel, and as I awoke I noticed a stream of images, thoughts and feelings related to the goddess Nephthys, the twin sister of Isis.

In 2008, I experienced 2 dreams that started me on the path of dreamwork, each having Egyptian overtones:

In the first one I was taken to an Eygptian temple by an invisible being “to remind you how powerful you really are”, and in the second I became lucid while lying naked on a stone slab altar with a white-robed bird-headed being hovered next to me, who waited patiently for me to be stop struggling and be still, then placed a brilliant orb in my head that seemed like a miniature sun.  Light poured out through my whole being and filled my vision.  What struck me most was how impersonal the being was, and now that I ponder on it more, I can think of the being as symbolizing BEING, which is utterly impersonal, and stands by simply observing until I become lucid,  settle down and receive the gift of light.

Also now that I remember the content of the first dream, I find that it is relevant to something I have been thinking about today, about bad habits and poisoning myself and why do I go back to that after periods of eating well.

In the dream I was complacently entering an insane asylum, when the being brought me out and to the temple.  I was giddy and flew in circles and remembered, "Oh, I'm a goddess!"
Then I looked over the edge of the temple floor and back down at the insane asylum, and thought, "Well, I guess it's time to go back," and drifted back down and wandered through a few rooms where people were torturing some of the patients.  I think it's time to revisit that dream.

Interesting ...thank you again, Deepa.

44

Dream Interpretation / Re: Expansion of Consciousness

« on: January 18, 2012, 09:16:34 PM »

I’d say that realizing that expansion of consciousness can happen by simply asking a question is a pretty significant insight.  I feel like a child in some ways now – I was with friends yesterday and asking so many questions, repeating back what they said to me, wanting to be sure I really understood what was being said to me instead of my mind just sort of half-tracking what was being said and nodding and not really getting it.
I’m also realizing how far I’ve managed to get through life without really understanding what the heck is going on around me or what people are actually saying.  In the past few weeks I have felt more at ease asking for something to be explained to me more than once.  I noticed how terrified I was that certain people might even look at me disapprovingly, and at work I would sit in my office, stewing in anxiety trying desperately to remember or sort it out or risk the consequences of guessing what I was supposed to do rather than ask.

An insight I had this morning, as a consequence of questioning a friend of mine about her perspective, also illuminated a recent dream.  ***I realized the way my mind has been sorting information is through a true/false filter.  If something registers as a lie, my mind immediately would go into defense/combat mode.  So much so that I couldn’t even get through reading an article to a friend of mine yesterday, and when inquiring into my reaction, I asked myself if I “needed” to be right, and found a very tender part of myself, some sadness, and tears, leaving me feeling raw for a while.  I also noticed later that after eating healthy, whole, raw foods during the early part of the day, when alone I reverted to sugary comfort food.  I interpret this as a period of contraction after expansion.

I also noticed about myself that my curiosity has been tinged with pain, so often asking people about their experience has had a mixed impulse of invitation/interrogation.

On a long drive yesterday, I decided to have a conversation with my car.  My experiences with psychedelics have taught me that all is alive, even space, so I figured, why not?  I practiced saying things out loud that were running around in my head, and, out loud, they lost their power and I could see more of where I have been fantasizing not present to reality.  I also practiced, a la Law of Attraction, speaking as if life were already the way I wanted it to be, as if I were already in a place of satisfaction, ease, grace, fulfillment, intimacy and joy…leading into an interesting dream last night.

I dreamed that my son’s father (who is deceased) was sitting in front of me.  His back is to me, and I am standing behind him with my arms wrapped around his shoulders.  We are watching scenes on an old console TV.  The drama is of lovers fighting and hurting and killing each other.  There is a shift as I watch this, a realization that I am controlling this with my mind and in a way that was finer and more subtle than trying to mentally control reality the way I have in the past, I (perhaps we) shift the drama to one of lovers playing and frolicking with an air of innocence and comraderie.  It’s not as if I am dictating the details, I am simply doing it and aware that I am, and feel relief from an inner tension.


***This insight came today - after pondering my experience of interactions with friends yesterday, I thought of a dream where I entered a meeting of an "inter(inner?!)galactic council", and a woman presented me with a clear glass bowl overflowing with small red tickets, which read either "TRUE" or "FALSE", and I finally understood the message of that part of the dream.

45

Dream Interpretation / On the Titanic!

« on: January 18, 2012, 02:02:23 AM »

Where my dream awareness started was noticing I was sinking, and "knowing" I was on the Titanic, going down.
I didn't actually see the ship to my recollection, just noticing I was quickly (but not forcefully) sucked under water, I tumbled in sort of a somersault, and immediately began swimming upward.

In a flash, I wondered if I should just inhale the water and let myself drown, or hold my breath and try to swim out.  As I was swimming upward, I noticed that I didn't need to breathe, and reached up and grabbed a grate/vent that I pulled on and swam up through, then another.  In just a few moments I was above the water and standing on a solid, stable surface.

After that it was a little fuzzy, something like it was as if I were a male who had a document or token I had gotten from Abraham Lincoln and was using it to pass myself off in order to make a claim on something (money perhaps).   Skip to a fragment of a woman with several small silver cylinders embedded in a board in the outline of the "Chevrolet" symbol, and either she or I are pulling out one or more.


So...
The emotional content of this dream was actually pleasant.  I didn't feel any alarm, and was open and curious about whether I should allow myself to drown.  I felt subtle relief upon waking, as if slight emotional tension had been relieved.

I am concerned with what the latter part of the dream may be reflecting, I don't trust myself to be totally honest with myself, as I am *quite* aware of my slippery egoic defenses and a long history of escapist fantasy addiction  so I wondered what your perspective might be.

Deepest gratitude, as always.
(Btw I have been reading Eye of Dreams and am thoroughly enjoying it and getting a lot out of it, though I will need to read it through at least another time or two!)