Also to add - I noticed that as I was waking up in the middle of the intense feelings, I was also breathing deeply to relax and "allow" the feeling. Sort of a "I can't fight this so I'll receive and allow it" response.
I feel a little wowed by my own unconscious response, which reflects to me that my spiritual practices are showing up even unconsciously.
There were a few thoughts like, "I thought for sure love would take care of all of this."
So, perhaps I was unconsciously thinking that vulnerability and love would stop someone in their tracks from attacking me.
I asked myself about the meaning of this dream, the answer was,
"Stop being so grateful, it leaves you vulnerable. Stop opening your heart to mean people, they will turn on you." which I interpreted as a fear response to my increasing capacity to freely show and allow feelings of vulnerability.
The brother represents softer, kinder masculine feelings, protective and nurturing.
I dialogued with the uncle:
rain_dancer: Who do you represent?
uncle: The part of you desperately craving relief frorm the burden of life. The death urge.
rd: Why did you kill my brother?
uncle: Because it felt good - relief from rage, rage at life. (note - this reminds me of more and more consciously noticing feelings of guilt for bringing a child into this "horrible and scary world" - also the rage of "I didn't ask to be here! I didn't ask to be born! I didn't ask to be made and have to face and deal with all of this pain and cruelty!)
rd: Why did you rape me?
uncle: I want to defile you - to be rid of/purge this foulness in me. I want to make you suffer/dirtly like me. Then you will love me and we can be equals and I will feel better (relief). I will be relieved of this burden of sin. You are so pure. I hate your pure and unsullied nature.
~~~
I felt so validated by this dream, as I've recently committed myself to becoming an embodiment of a particular deity of love and compassion. I've heard it said that love brings up anything unlike itself to be healed.
I noticed that shortly after I began my sadhana in earnest, I picked up smoking clove cigarettes - and I'm not a smoker!!
I see the smoking as a manifestation of the part of me that felt split off and dirty and ashamed wanting to be integrated.
The way I processed this dream after the dialogue, then was to start with the feelings and go for a walk. It was FRIGGIN COLD!! and I did this to take advantage of my body's ability to process information in a non-linear way, intentionally exaggerating the arm-swinging movements to receive the benefit of the arm/leg cross-movement.
While I was walking, I did inquiry. "I want to defile you, is this true? How do I feel when I believe that thought? Who would I be without that thought?" and on in the same way with the other thoughts.
I asked myself if I was willing to forgive my mother for conceiving and birthing me (and now that I think of it, can I forgive my father for giving me life as well?).
I asked myself whether I could forgive myself for giving my son life and bringing him into this world in such an unconscious way.
After, I felt back into the gratitude of the dream - I know that the painful piercing of my emotional heart can make it stronger, and more resilient and the gratitude for that gift is a sweet, profound, blissful feeling.
Not only is it stronger, it is wiser. More and more I feel like I have the heart of a woman, instead of a little girl. I don't feel so vulnerable to the games of a player who used to be able to tug at and play my heartstrings and manipulate me - not just in love but also in dominoes!
So anyway, I soon felt back into being the uncle - in his shoes, what do I really want? I broke down sobbing...to be good, to be good, to be GOOD, I just want to be GOOD good good, to be right (as in, aligned and right with myself, not morally right). I loved and held myself tenderly, without reassuring myself, simply letting the thoughts and feelings flow.
Meditation and yoga before bed...and a good sleep with no remembered dreams!
I would still love and appreciate hearing your perspective, Tony, as I usually feel surprised and delighted at what you have to share!
