Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Author Topic: Beyond Abuse by Father  (Read 6538 times)

Tony Crisp

  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3419
    • View Profile
    • Dreamhawk.com
Beyond Abuse by Father
« on: April 11, 2013, 10:32:47 AM »
Dear Tony, 

 Through my dreams I have met perhaps the most devastating events in my life, creating both loss and change.  Also, my dreams created the ability to really see, know and love.   

For years I had a recurring dream/nightmare of being unable to open my eyes, they were stuck shut and no matter what I did I couldn't open them.   Eventually, in large part due to my dreams, I learned what I was unable to open my eyes to.  For over 40 years I had lived my life unaware of my childhood.  I had very few memories of home and family, but knew it was a life of poverty and parental abuse, and I was always aware of these things.   

But at some point I began dreaming of things I had not been aware of, things that I eventually learned indicated sexual abuse.  I bought your book at the bookstore and it was incredibly helpful in allowing me to figure out what I was actually dreaming about.  I had completely repressed all memories of what happened to me in this area, except one that happened at the very beginning of the abuse, at the age of 3.  This one memory I had, I magically transformed into a "funny little thing that happened" with my father.  I could not se it for what it really was.  Now I see it as the start of something awful.  But it amazes me that all throughout adulthood, I had been unable to see what that one memory told me.   

 As time went on, my dreams became more obvious and less symbolic.  I had many, many dreams and wrote them all down.  I was in shock over them.  I thought I must be making this crazy stuff up, I was very frightened.  In the beginning I thought, someone may have done something to me, but no way could I think it was my own father. I had made him out to be sort of the hero in my story, because he was at least playful and kind to his children on some occasions, as opposed to my mother who was often rage filled and cruel to us.   

 My dreams began including my father at some point, and I began to know it was him who hurt me this way.  Eventually I could go on no longer, my depression was overwhelming to me.  I called a therapist and together we started unraveling the dreams, unraveling the memories and I started to journal with my inner child.  It has been several years now that I've been working at this. 

It has been difficult for me to access the emotional responses I had as a little girl, yet once again, through my dreams, my inner child has shared these most terrifying, paralyzing fears, the pain of betrayal, most recently the anger and to some degree the shame.  She has shared how she was able to fly away during these things he did, and also bits and pieces of the actual things that happened and her own responses. 

 Interesting to me is that I am a Scorpio, and in my chart, every one of my planets are in the lower half of the chart. I have been told that one thing this indicates is that my night life is very active, and that is so true.  My dreams have been absolutely pivotal in this whole healing process.   

 At one point about a year into therapy, I was ready to give up.  I could not reconcile within myself that my father for sure did these things.  I had no clear memories, I had only my dreams and the evidence of some of my life's occurrences and symptoms that indicated this type of abuse.  Amazingly, it was at that time that my father, who I had never confronted with any of this, told my sister that he was sorry for some things of a sexual nature that he had done to me as a child. It seems the universe rose to meet me.  When she told me this, my heart sank, but also my spirit was relieved, for at least I was now certain that what I thought had happened had indeed taken place, and I could begin in earnest to process all this without as much disbelief and doubt.  He has since recanted, saying that he didn't mean what he had said and that it was me, who as a 3 year old had somehow seduced him.  (my words, he put it differently)  And not surprisingly, my family chooses to believe him.  My mother supports him and my 2 brothers and 2 sisters are there for him as well. 

 What I have lost through this healing journey is my illusions about the way my life actually was, it has been torturous at times, stripping away the walls and barriers I have created.  Meeting this change in my life has been a true challenge.  I am a very fixed personality, change does not come easily or quickly for me.  I will be in therapy awhile longer as more and more is revealed to me.  It seems just when I think, ah, I have reached the worst of it, my inner/higher self says, not yet.  You are now strong enough for this... 

Perhaps I can say I have lost my family, my old sense of myself, my way of being in this world.  I have changed so much it is hard for me to think I ever was that person from several years back.  Painful though it has been to lose these parts of my life, it is also what needed to happen in order for love to come in.  Sometimes I have a sense of missing the way things were before the dreams began revealing to me the truth.  But I wouldn't ever want to go back to being blind to again. 

I am grateful beyond words for my higher self, the part of me who helped me through dreams to open my eyes at long last.  Without my dreams I would still be lost.  I am grateful for my inner child self, who saved my life and my sanity through her ability to repress the bad stuff and was brave enough to come out and share with me her experiences at long last.  I am grateful for the one constant friend/love I had through all this, from the start, who was ready to stand by me and love me.  And because of this, now I am learning what love really is, and this is monumental to me.  It is something so much more then I ever knew, I am learning to love me and with that comes love and acceptance for all others.  How awesome is this path, this journey of awakening and transformation. Transformation is a theme that shows up in some of my paintings, and if you would like to see a few I would be glad to share them with you. 

Thank-you for reading this rather lengthy story.  Many times I've wanted to write and thank you for your books and your incredibly helpful website.  I can't imagine that I would've managed nearly so well without your help with my dreams and learning their language.  From the start, your book was with me, and then when I learned you had website, it was just such a big help.  So you are someone in my life that I am grateful for as well, Tony Crisp.  Thank-you so much for helping me through it all.    Sincerely,  Anon.