Recurring painful dream

[Rain_Dancer]

I don't know what to make of this recurring dream theme -
the gist is, a male (varying ages/race/body types) stands behind me and is grabbing my body just under my armpits, digging his fingers into my flesh and it feels excruciatingly painful, and paralyzing almost like an electric shock.

Last night, in my dream I was feeling diseased.  I turned my thoughts toward, "God is the love in which I am healed."
Instantly I felt healed and relaxed and as if I were gently and softly falling backk onto a soft bed, blissed.  
Then I felt those hands grab me and lift me as if to fly me upwards.

For a split second I relaxed into it, enjoying the upward flight, but then the hands dug deeply into the flesh.

I grabbed the right hand and pried his fingers off of me and turned and commanded him in the name of Jesus to GET OFF ME.  
I have NO idea why I revert to calling Jesus, it's very weird to me...and it usually doesn't work anyway, I usually end up feeling helpless and impotent.

Surprisingly, though, this time it worked and I felt strong and in command.  I also felt PISSED.  I got him off my back, and put him in front of me and he sort of fell over on his side while I did something that felt like shooting laser beams or something at him, I felt so angry and I wanted to send him a message to STAY AWAY from me.

Then I woke up.

I feel like maybe this is a sadistic part of me…but I don’t know what to do about that.
I don’t want it grabbing me and hurting me!  It feels confusing that I feel relaxed and free at first, and I love to fly and I would LOVE to feel  surrendered to a male, lifting me up and flying but I don’t want him to hurt me like that when he does it.  It definitely is touching something because I feel tears rising and my throat choking as I type this.  I feel frustrated and not sure how to relate to this dream, what do you think?

[Tony Crisp]

Rain Dancer – I have several feelings about this. One of them is that the higher you get the more of the inner blocks you meet and pass through. This was particularly true when you were lifted up and flying. That was when the fingers did their work on you again.

Also I see your pissed feeling as not sadistic, but your real energy working at last. I remember a young guy telling me about meeting a guru in India. Fairly soon the guru started beating up the guy. That went on until one day the young guy got mad he got up and took the stick the guru was beating him with and gave him a really good hit. At that the guru smiled at said, “At last you are alive, not lying their like a dead thing.”

To be alive is to be capable of responding and not be stuck in ideas of what is right and wrong. It was when you grabbed the fingers and pried them of that your calling on Jesus worked.

I wonder whether there is an old hurt from a man grabbing you and it has taken you a long time to turn around and hit back. But in general it is a good thing to fight back in your dreams. The tears were probably due to having got rid of something from the past that has been riding you ever since, the feeling of release, the sense of love – all at once. You do not want a man to hurt you is the message.

Tony

[Rain_Dancer]

I had a variation of the dream again this morning - I was a little stronger this time when I grabbed "his" fingers, removed them from my body, and said, "I want you to stop hurting me!"

I forgot about the dream, then went to work and ended up getting fired because I told them I wasn't going to another site to do a job that I feel harmed my well-being.  I told them it felt taxing on my health, made me miserable and I felt like I was being provoked.  I told them yesterday I wasn't going back because my pain levels from just being there were making me feel aggressive, nobody objected - I have never ever been reprimanded in any way, and certainly didn't expect to get fired for this!

Only later did I think to stand up for myself and say I didn't deserve to be fired for that...but at the time, I simply said OK, packed up and left.

I feel shaken.  Just now I thought of this dream.  They seem related.  I want to believe it is a door to better opportunities for myself - the job paid well but I had very little to do and felt stagnant and as if my intelligence was actually dropping, I was picking up bad habits that were a necessary evil of the environment.

Soo...curious what I might dream about tonight....

[Rain_Dancer]

Oh, and I just remembered - the other night, I dreamed a black woman was saying nasty things to me and calling me names and I told her, "I want you to stop saying those things.  I don't want to hear another word like that come out of your mouth about me."

And *another* dream I just remembered from the weekend:

highlights: Waking to realize that an ex had set up my home with beautiful altars and lit incense, making out with an old friend, Bob Marley wandered in and I made out with him, my new store opened and it was packed full of customers, I flew with the angels, culminating in a meeting with the devil where we pulled out our old agreements and began to renegotiate them until I said, you are me and I am you and we adore each other and I'd really rather be making out with you...I sat on his lap and we did just that. He was quite surprised and pleased (though he didn't quite seem to believe I sincerely love him).  Our rather large and complex book-sized contracts dissolved into dust. Another ex stopped by to...please me  and I woke up with a smile on my face.


I just so so so so want to believe I'm doing right by myself and not screwing up my life with my stubborness...I hope these dreams are good omens.

[Tony Crisp]

Rain-Dancer - Well you have woken up with fire in you -I respond to it with a smile. It feels good. It took me years to stop 'keeping my head down', but when I did I found I was looking up.

I read and learnt the wonderful writing of The Secret of Time and Satan by Edward Carpenter. We live in a dual world where the Devil and the Angel are in balance in a balance life. Here is part of what I learned.

“For, (over and over again) there is nothing that is evil except because a man has not mastery over it; and there is no good thing that is not evil if it have mastery over a man;

And there is no passion or power, pleasure or pain, or created thing whatsoever, which is not ultimately for man and for his use or which he need be afraid of or ashamed at.

The ascetics and the self indulgent divide things into good and evil-as it were to throw away the evil;

But things cannot be divided into good and evil, but all are good so soon as they are brought into subjection.

And seest thou not that except for Death thou couldst never overcome Death -

For since by being a slave to things of sense thou hast clothed thyself with a body which thou art not master of, thou wert condemned to a living tomb were that body not to be destroyed.
But now through pain and suffering out of this tomb shalt thou come; and through the experience thou hast acquired shalt build for thyself a new and better body;

And so on many times, till thou spreadest wings and hast all powers diabolic and angelic concentrated in thy flesh.”

Tony

See http://dreamhawk.com/inner-life/secret-of-time-and-satan/

[Rain_Dancer]

Oh, oh, OH!!!
I just looked that book up online and realized I had read a portion of it from your site that has stayed with me for many many months:

"Is there one in all the world who does not desire to be divinely beautiful?
To have the most perfect body-unerring skill, strength-limpid clearness of mind, as of the sunlight over the hills-
To radiate love wherever he goes-to move in and out, accepted?
The secret lies close to you, so close.
You are that person-it lies close to you, so close- deep down within-
But in Time it shall come forth and be revealed."

It gave voice to my deepest desires, made them conscious and I feel it all blossoming from within.

My own mother has been acting differently in just the past several days - staring at me, and feeling so enamored of how beautiful she perceives me to be that she tells me over and over again in such a sincere, heartfelt way.  She can't stop hugging me, she loves to be around me...and this is a miraculous healing after so many years of pain, bitterness, resentment, and the deepest heartache I've known.

I've found the post on your site again and am soaking it up with new awareness.
I feel so much appreciation for how deeply your work has touched me, over and over again, across all of the miles. 
Warm hugs to you, thank you thank you thank you!

[Tony Crisp]

Rain Dancer - Thank you for shinning yourself out to me and the forum readers.

It is a ray of hope.

Tony