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Author Topic: Healing of Myself  (Read 9121 times)

Tony Crisp

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Healing of Myself
« on: September 23, 2014, 08:25:49 AM »
I am in fact filled with anger towards society and culture and i call them stupid  and ignorant  and hateful of what they do not understand. and what angers me the mos is their closed mindedness and not wanting to understand.

I don’t hate them because they hate me, I am mad at them and filled with resentment towards them for not even wanting to grow evolve or reach any higher level because as selfish as that may sound, it leaves me and others like me feeling abandoned isolated and alone. I am aware that many of those closed minded people are very miserable and unhappy in their ways and that after reaching the conclusions I have reached throughout my life I am much happier and fulfilled than they are. Also I HAVE in fact learned how to use my brain in different ways than they do!  but I am alone  and I do not want to waste my time with mingling with them either so I am perceived as stuck up no fun serious all the time kinda gal, and they are not and that for me is what makes me hurt. Does that make any sense ? What else do you recommend I read ? 
*****


***** - I had years of feeling angry, alone, misunderstood. But two dreams changed - slowly - the way I viewed my life. The first was I was in a prison cell with two other men. I felt it was in Spain somewhere. We ate, slept and defecated in the cell. I was standing at the bars of the cell, and had the impression I had been in the prison for years. I was shouting and cursing the people who had put me in the prison, full of hate and self pity. 

One day as I stood raging at the bars I suddenly realised that my years of shouting had availed nothing. The only person who was upset by it was me. I was the victim of my own anger and turmoil. It was as if I had been haunted all my life by ghosts of anger and passion. I dropped the attitudes or ‘ghosts’ and was free of them. Years went by and one by one I recognised and dropped other habits of emotion and thought that had trapped and tortured me. I realised I could be totally free within myself. 

One morning I woke and sat up on the mattress on the floor that was my bed. The last ghost of inner entrapment fell away. A fountain of joy opened in my body, pouring upwards through me. It was so intense I cried out. My cell mates called a warden because they thought I had gone mad. They stood looking at me as I experienced radiance so strong I felt as if I must be shining. I was aware my joy poured into them, although they thought I was possibly insane. I could sense the enormous change in me influencing them, and I knew it couldn’t help but change them also. I realised that I might never be released from the prison, but it didn’t matter as I had found a fuller release than simply walking the streets. Even though remaining behind prison bars, I would still be touching people’s lives deeply. Nothing would ever be the same again. 

The other dream was also life changing but too long to quote, but what it led me to realise is that we all are in the middle of a great conflict or battle. On one side of us is our own natural urges and being, and on the other side is what the social norm is, the enormous social pressure. People tend to side with one or the other. If we side with our natural impulses which are often our animal instincts to get food or sex and survive with anger, and so often end up with a battle with others than can never been won.

On the other side is the person who is so clean and respectable they even smell like they have just come out of the dry cleaners. They are so sure of themselves and never break the rules that sometimes they are stuck in beliefs that are paralysing.

But there is a way in the middle that you can see being used by those who are living from their own nature, but expressing it in a socially acceptable way - like musicians, artists, and those who create from their vision instead of fighting everyone.

The thing is to sing out about what you are.

Tony
« Last Edit: September 28, 2014, 03:13:55 PM by Tony Crisp »

- anna -

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Re: Healing of Myself
« Reply #1 on: September 23, 2014, 11:13:19 AM »
Quote
On one side of us is our own natural urges and being, and on the other side is what the social norm is, the enormous social pressure. People tend to side with one or the other. If we side with our natural impulses which are often our animal instincts to get food or sex and survive with anger, and so often end up with a battle with others than can never been won.

On the other side is the person who is so clean and respectable they even smell like they have just come out of the dry cleaners. They are so sure of themselves and never break the rules that sometimes they are stuck in beliefs that are paralysing.

Tony - Thank you  :) As a true libra I have been at both ends of the scale, either battling with the part of myself in others who represented the "clean and respectable" part of me or looking "clean and respectable" - at a huge distance in order to not be contaminated - at those who represented my natural impulses.

You provided me with a deeper understanding of what went on in my life and in my interactions with what I had perceived as "others".

I now want to grow into the more healthy alternative:

Quote
But there is a way in the middle that you can see being used by those who are living from their own nature, but expressing it in a socially acceptable way - like musicians, artists, and those who create from their vision instead of fighting everyone.

The thing is to sing out about what you are.

Anna

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Re: Healing of Myself
« Reply #2 on: September 23, 2014, 04:03:35 PM »

I lay down and ask for a dream:

I see two children. I do not see what gender they are. One of the children secretely (behind one's back) twists the left arm of the other child behind his/her back. Although it must hurt, the other child does not move.
I pull the child who twists the arm away from the other child. I tell the child that I love him/her and that this is not the way we deal with each other. I am aware that someone (no gender known either) is observing me.


Tony - I experience the dream as that the secret (unaware) fight between my natural impulses and my clean and respectable (paralyzed) part are brought into the light, without judging one or the other, which is for me the way to heal.
Along with your post I was enabled to take back the projections I had on the outside world, eiter perceiving the natural impulses in others or the clean and respectable part.
My role in the dream is that of an observer, not identifying with any of these two children.
By giving to you, I have made you into an observer who can more easily see "the whole picture", because I definitely have my blind spots.

Anna

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Re: Healing of Myself
« Reply #3 on: September 24, 2014, 07:03:26 AM »
Tony - There was a moment in the dream which skipped my attention and which I was only able to retrieve this morning when I went back into the dream again.

The whole picture of the dream:

I see two children. I do not see what gender they are. One of the children secretly (behind one's back) twists the left arm of the other child behind his/her back. Although it must hurt, the other child does not move.
I pull the child who twists the arm away from the other child.

I identify with the clean and respectful child and so I am angry with the natural impulses child. I show that anger by squeezing the arm of the natural impulses child when I pull her/him away.
I become aware that someone is observing me and I change my approach.


I tell the animal impulses child that I love him/her and that this is not the way we deal with each other.


Quote
https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/1225592-winnie-the-pooh

“When you are a Bear of Very Little Brain
and you Think of Things
you find sometimes that a Thing
which seemed very Thingish inside you
is quite different
when it gets out into the open
and has other people looking at it.”

― A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh

http://dreamhawk.com/dream-dictionary/quantum-physics/

The fact that light is both a wave and a particle is astonishing enough. More astonishing is the fact that its nature changes according to the way we observe it.

If I am a "being of light" and I observe while identifying with one of the "children" or "that what I have created in my mind", then this way of observing will change the nature of what I observe. This change, which is not a real change, has kept me imprisoned because I believed I had to choose either one of my two children/creations in my mind.

Because I cannot observe my observer, I needed you as an observer.
Since you were able to observe the whole picture - that is not only the two creations in my mind, but also my observer - I was able to escape from this "either/or" choice which kept me going around in circles, without getting anywhere.

With this in mind I wonder if the "clean and respectable child" is merely paralyzed, because in order to preserve its status quo, there are no observers allowed.?
I could not find the last part of the question yet and so I wrote "there are no observers allowed". I do believe it is a good question though.

Anna
« Last Edit: September 24, 2014, 07:10:40 AM by - anna - »

Tony Crisp

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Re: Healing of Myself
« Reply #4 on: September 24, 2014, 09:22:20 AM »
Anna - Thank you for putting so much of you out there, and for appreciation of my dream. It appears in the online dictionary, and as usual I do not use my own name. But here is the dream in full.

I was in the basement of the house where I lived in London. I had taken some floorboards up because they were rotten. Underneath I saw a large white serpent or worm, somehow connected with a dead evil woman like a force of destruction and evil. I seemed to understand the evil could corrupt all of London, that it lived in a great underground lake that existed under all of London. I poked at the serpent with a piece of wood and it came to life and plunged into the earth. There seemed to be an air filled hole that I poked into and the wood I was using was wrenched away from my hands. 

My family thought I was crazy because I was trying to tell them about this and sent for a doctor. I was very pleased to see him because he was very unbiased though, not believing - nor disbelieving. I explained my experience and feelings. With him there I dared to poke at the floor with a long scaffold pole. The pole was ripped from my grasp by some force below. Then we tied the pole to a beam and it ripped part of the beam off. I felt there was enough power to tear down my house if I had used it as an anchor. Then I saw Christ standing on my right, and the terrifying woman on my left, and they came together and the evil was neutralised - but so was the power of Christ. Mathew 

Mathew saw the Christ figure as the moral norm in the society he was raised; a morality he had struggled with all his life. The woman he experienced as the urges such as his sexual needs, with which he had also struggled with. When Christ and the woman merged he felt enormous peace. 

Tony

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Re: Healing of Myself
« Reply #5 on: September 24, 2014, 09:42:23 AM »

Tony - Thank you for sharing your dream  :) I did not want to ask you, for although your motivation to not share the dream sensed somewhat strange,
Quote
The other dream was also life changing but too long to quote
I did want to respect your choice.

There is one part of the way you describe your dream which I cannot get a clear picture of:

Quote
I felt there was enough power to tear down my house if I had used it as an anchor.

What does this inner picture look like? What is the "it" that you saw?

Anna

Tony Crisp

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Re: Healing of Myself
« Reply #6 on: September 24, 2014, 11:30:37 AM »
I had attached a chain to the beam in the ceiling. And the snake/woman had so much power that it ripped a chunk out of the beam - and I felt it I had really secured the chain there was power enough to tear my house down.

I think it depicts the power of the unconscious when it is not dealt with well and understood has the power to tear down your personality with madness.

I wrote a story that I never finished, have just put it in Stories - Interface.

Tony

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Re: Healing of Myself
« Reply #7 on: September 24, 2014, 03:15:38 PM »
Thank you Tony  :)

I will make a start with this first and read your unfinished story later.

I am grateful that you put in words for me, where I did not manage to break through my resistance. I did get the first part:

Quote
I think it depicts the power of the unconscious when it is not dealt with well

it was here where I had trouble seeing:

Quote
and understood it has the power to tear down your personality with madness.

To my "clean and respectable part" this whole episode in my life was a horror.

I like to see it as that the unconscious has the power to tear down the personality. To me the "with madness" is somewhat limited.
When I went through that episode, which started in Temecula, my personality was teared down with everything imaginable. That is how I still perceive it when looking back. To me the only part which was still "available" was the observer, most of the time in what I perceived as a heightened sense of awareness.

I made one promise to myself: this never again.

And because of this promise I wonder if this approach in my dream:

Quote
I pull the child who twists the arm away from the other child.

will have the same result as your experience in your dream:

Quote
Then I saw Christ standing on my right, and the terrifying woman on my left, and they came together and the evil was neutralised - but so was the power of Christ.

Anna


« Last Edit: September 24, 2014, 07:27:49 PM by - anna - »

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Re: Healing of Myself
« Reply #8 on: September 25, 2014, 05:50:36 AM »
Quote
http://dreamhawk.com/stories/interface/

-Tony Crisp

2014-09-24 10:29:08

An Unfinished Story

After that I can’t account for my movements. I can only describe the images indelibly imprinted in my emotion. No, that’s not right. It feels to me they were carved into my body. The earth writhed and surged. Suddenly it was no longer earth but a great snake, as long as several men, powerful, devastating. But it was white. The sort of white some men’s flesh is when never exposed to the sun and they are dying. And that creature lifted out of the earth and looked at me. Such was my state of mind that the eyes may have considered me for hours, cocked and frozen, or perhaps a split second. I don’t know. But I am certain there was intelligence there, of a sort I had never encountered before. It was ancient and impersonal. I had the impression of it being more than it’s body, as if it were a power, the power of impersonal nature itself which can create the miracle of a new-born baby, then eat it alive with a strange disease, or crush it with an earthquake.

Reply


-Anna

2014-09-24 20:53:07

Tony – You took me with you in the tunnel. And my energy was all focused in one point, untill we entered the open area:

“Through the door was a huge area maybe a hundred feet square. It had most likely been used for storage at one time, with raised areas for loading and a many arched roof supported by columns”.

It was at that point that I lost my energy being in one point and I could only regain that focus again when we were back in the tunnel again.

I did not leave the tunnel yet and I will explore it in my dream tonight to see what I have hidden there.

Anna

P.S. I do believe the story is worth it to be finished.

"Dream":
I see "light threads" travel through space. There are smaller ones and larger ones. It comes with the sentence: "Dandelions through space".


Tony - When I woke up the first memory was of a painting I had made with dandelions on it. I will send it to you.
If the dream had not come with the sentence, I would not have been able to see that it where dandelions, for it was far more abstract than my painting and I would not have recognized dandelions in the light threads.

I do not know what it means this dream. To me infinite space is the opposite of being in a tunnel, although I see both as symbols of the unconscious mind.
Perhaps the dream was merely a reflection of what I had perceived - and often perceive in my communication with you - as the infinite directions I can see in front of me of "where to go with what Tony has shared", in this case your unfinished story?
I do not know why that happens sometimes, for other times I can just "walk along with you"; as in the direction is clear because there is no other direction possible.

Perhaps the space dream was a flight out of the tunnel?

Perhaps a better approach is to weed the dandelions before they grow to seed?

Any help is appreciated.

Anna


« Last Edit: September 25, 2014, 07:36:46 AM by - anna - »

Tony Crisp

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Re: Healing of Myself
« Reply #9 on: September 25, 2014, 08:11:43 AM »
Anna - The dandelion is a beautiful image, and holds in it one of natures wonderful inventions/creations - the ability to create seeds which can spread hundreds of feet or even miles through natures own energy - the wind.

I wonder whether it is also a message for you, that when your growth naturally reaches the point of readiness your inner process will release the seeds of you into the world. I think it may be saying - make no effort, hand over to your inner growth. And yet travel on.

One may spend years in a desert where nothing grows. And then one day it rains and suddenly the whole desert is in bloom with all that the desert held ready.

Tony

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Re: Healing of Myself
« Reply #10 on: September 25, 2014, 08:43:46 AM »

Tony - Thank you for sharing what you see. I like it  :) and I will practice it:

And so I will put my thoughts together with your thoughts in a wicker basket, hand it over to my inner growth and step back.

Anna

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Re: Healing of Myself
« Reply #11 on: September 28, 2014, 05:51:44 AM »

Dream:
I walk behind a shopping cart in what I believe is a small supermarket. There are two cooling shelves right opposite each other. I think there is meat on the shelves.

Each cooling shelf has two shelves which have "day tags" on it. One tag says "Thursday" and one says "Friday".
I am looking for the "Wednesday" shelf, but I cannot find it. Then I realise that it is already Wednesday and so I have to buy meat (?) from the Thursday and Friday shelf.

Then I continue - without a shopping cart - and I am in what looks more like a living room than a supermarket. I pass through an open door and glance inside. I see an unmade bed in the room and I reckon it must be the private department of the shopowner. I immediately look away again, because I think the private room of the shop owner is none of my business.

Then I continue - now I carry a plastic, orange wicker basket - and all of a sudden I realise that I must be in a house from someone, having believed it is a supermarket.
I do not want to be caught by the owner and so I rather call the owner so I can explain it all. I call "hello" and immediately a to me unknown woman enters the living room.
Then I wake up.


« Last Edit: May 06, 2015, 02:54:02 PM by - anna - »

Tony Crisp

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Re: Healing of Myself
« Reply #12 on: September 28, 2014, 03:12:16 PM »
Anna - You passed a barrier.

Tony

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Re: Healing of Myself
« Reply #13 on: September 28, 2014, 03:19:03 PM »
  :)

Thank you for allowing me to "shop with you".

Anna
« Last Edit: May 06, 2015, 02:55:33 PM by - anna - »