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Author Topic: The curse  (Read 8149 times)

Midlander

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The curse
« on: January 21, 2011, 11:26:25 AM »
I was inside a medieval style fortress - it felt as though this was my family home dominated by a male, father-like figure. I couldn't get out; I desperately wanted to leave but he wouldn't let me. I was standing at the huge wooden gate trying to escape when he found me. My only hope of escape was to curse him, which I did and so he let me go. Once free and in a better world, I admitted to my friends that I had had to curse him and that I knew the curse would come back on me but I had no other way to escape.

Perhaps it's important to say that, in waking life, I had no relationship with my father as he left when I was a baby and never made contact. My mother was the dominating force; angry and unpredictable and I eventually ceased contact with her about 9 years ago.
« Last Edit: January 22, 2011, 10:59:02 AM by Tony Crisp »

Tony Crisp

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Re: The curse
« Reply #1 on: January 24, 2011, 11:23:52 AM »
Midlander – I feel you have spelt out the situation, a dominating father, a difficult mother, a curse that you knew would come back at you.

I know the way out of these prisoning feelings, but it isn’t easy. Something I faced some years ago was that I realised that if I didn’t forgive my mother it would mean the end of my marriage. The reason being that the hateful feelings I had for my mother was the way I had learnt to love a woman. Either I really let go of them or continue to love as if it were a battle field. It wasn’t easy letting go of those feelings.

I suppose the same will apply to your father. The curse is a way to attain independence. I did it by hating my mother at the age of five and so managed to live without any real feelings passing between us. In that way I became independent at an early age, but at an awful cost.

And here is a dream that spells out another way toward breaking free of the prisons most of us are in. Not just prisons of hurt emotions and habits we have lived, but prisons of belief, of convictions, or hate, or prejudice, and the subtle one of knowing we are right – especially the one that most people hold that what they see and touch is reality.

Quote
I was in a prison cell with two other men. I felt it was in Spain somewhere. We ate, slept and defecated in the cell. I was standing at the bars of the cell, and had the impression I had been in the prison for years. I was shouting and cursing the people who had put me in the prison, full of hate and self pity.

One day as I stood raging at the bars I suddenly realised that my years of shouting had availed nothing. The only person who was upset by it was me. I was the victim of my own anger and turmoil. It was as if I had been haunted all my life by ghosts of anger and passion. I dropped the attitudes or ‘ghosts’ and was free of them. Years went by and one by one I recognised and dropped other habits of emotion and thought that had trapped and tortured me. I realised I could be totally free within myself.

One morning I woke and sat up on the mattress on the floor that was my bed. The last ghost of inner entrapment fell away. A fountain of joy opened in my body, pouring upwards through me. It was so intense I cried out. My cell mates called a warden because they thought I had gone mad. They stood looking at me as I experienced radiance so strong I felt as if I must be shining. I was aware my joy poured into them, although they thought I was possibly insane. I could sense the enormous change in me influencing them, and I knew it couldn’t help but change them also. I realised that I might never be released from the prison, but it didn’t matter as I had found a fuller release than simply walking the streets. Even though remaining behind prison bars, I would still be touching people’s lives deeply. Nothing would ever be the same again.”

Tony

Midlander

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Re: The curse
« Reply #2 on: January 24, 2011, 10:10:24 PM »
Thanks Tony; my father wasn't dominating though: he was completely absent - I never met him.

It's funny, years of therapy don't fully deal with the ghosts- it has to continue. Like Alan Bennet says 'Life is like a tin of sardines; just when you think you've cleaned it out, there's always a bit stuck in the corner.' when that happens, I have to recognise it and deal with it at another level.

Perhaps it's the abandonment thing that still lurks in there somewhere that I curse him for..........I still expect to be abandoned at some level.

The thing about what is reality is something I have been thinking about lately.

But the cost of the curse that was the only way to be free.........coming back to punish me.........well that's true, too.

« Last Edit: January 24, 2011, 10:16:25 PM by Midlander »

Tony Crisp

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Re: The curse
« Reply #3 on: January 26, 2011, 11:48:03 AM »
My father was the same - but when I really opened up I screamed in pain because of his neglect. So I wonder if your therapy didn't really have any primal screams in it. My screams certainly laid that ghost.

So I see an absent father as a very dominating influence. Mine wan't absent, a very quiet and non communicative man - but the damage was done anyway by him not being there for me.

Tony

Midlander

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Re: The curse
« Reply #4 on: January 26, 2011, 12:08:23 PM »
Interesting, Tony. I think I got the stuff out - but maybe what I'm left with, is a residual feeling about my value in men's eyes that still comes back now and again.