Lamb/Pregnant

[Christine]

Tony, Thank you for your last comments.

A tall dark figure picks up a red lamb and carries it toward me.  Next I see myself lying naked on my back in bed.  My breasts are exposed, a beautiful gold sheet covers my abdomen and legs.  She says to me "I am pregnant and my water broke."  I feel surprised and look for the stain on the sheet which I do see.  I help her up and walk her into a black bathroom and sit her on the toilet.  For some reason the toilet is tiny and I position her on the toilet as if she is about to deliver the baby.  I woke up feeling very angry and have felt that way most of the day.

[Tony Crisp]

Chris - I wonder whether the anger was because of the connection between the coming baby and the toilet - something that could be flushed away?

The first part of the dream has a very different feeling for me. The gold sheet and the red lamb being carried are very important. It has a sense of something holy. In ancient societies who bred sheep, the spring lambs were a sign of survival of the often harsh and hungry winter. At last there was food. So the sacrifice of the lamb was linked with the feeling of being given life and redemption. The red may represent that.

Tony

[Christine]

Hi Tony,  In the past I have had dreams about sheep with their eyes closed falling into a deep hole. In one of them, I am standing next to a tall being of white light.  I am crying because the sheep keep walking with their eyes closed and falling in the hole.  "Look at the poor sheep"...I say.

As a child, I was not protected or made to feel secure by my parents or from them.  There is a part of me that was blindly looking for that...a naive gullible part that was used and taken advantage of by others.  My father spousified me and my parents parentified me and I bought into it, unconsciously bargaining away my potential wholeness and unique identity.

When I meet someone I feel sorry for (the last man), I did it again out of my desire for love from the other.  I felt sorry for my parents, my siblings and mothered them and not myself...protected their feelings and not mine...expecting them to do the same for me.  After I left him, I was the angry sheep...at him, at my past family dynamic all over again.

It was wrenching to leave him, as he in many ways reminded me of the negative in male family members.  I felt so much compassion and empathy for them I was paralyzed to act to protect myself from them. I sacrificed blood in different ways, mine , his, my family members...to stop this.  The pregnant me, her belly was huge, as if she would give birth to an adult.

Previously I think I tried to deny the child part of myself, because she was busy playing the parent and taking care of others...mostly because she was so deeply hurt and angry...and it felt POWERFUL to act out anger through my negative intuition and animus...and I have taken revenge on other "children" doing that.  The latter being people whose feelings I protected at the expense of my own. 

Yet, I can not hurt the child in myself anymore...can't punish her for wanting acceptance, love and to feel included...I do not want to allow her to act out anymore.  I realized that other love can not and should not replace self love, so I am working on the latter and having compassion for her.

I may write more later.  Many blessings to you Tony!