Hey,........my name's Lee, and I know this is the Greetings section so i'll try to be fairly breif.
i'm a 50 y/o man, happily married, that lost my only child (17 y/o Son) in a tragic accident over 14 yrs ago.
he flipped his car off a bridge and was pinned into it and drowned.
our relationship had been good......we were happy as Dad and Son, hunting/fishing together often, several common interests including guitars and music, he often hung out in "the shop" with me at home, and he even worked w/my employer the last 2 summers of his life, voluntarily, for pocket money.
he was a great kid, Eagle Scout, Police Explorer Scout, lots of friends......everyone loved him, no drinking/drugs/running away, etc. that so many parents have to deal with.
I couldn't have asked for better.
his death was sudden and a total surprise........the most traumatinc thing i've ever experienced.
when I attempted to seek grief counselling, I was cursed out because the person I was directed to call, no longer did counselling and was angry at still getting the calls.
so I began drinking, and basically remained drunk for 4 years, during which time I started dreaming that he wasn't really dead, but had joined the army and usually he was returning home from combat (this was mostly just after 9/11/01 thru 2003 or so). i've been completely sober since '07.
ever since then, i've had dreams in which he has "age progressed" and things are normal and happy.....as if he'd never died, but then I wake up crying because I know it's not real.
it keeps getting worse and worse, and happening more often.......now, at least 2x a week he visits my dreams, and is the 32 yrs old that he WOULD be.......and has a wife and 2 children of his own.......in my dreams he usually visits me at work, and we sit outside and talk about our lives.
we're happy to see each other and hug as if he were still a kid.
then a voice from somewhere behind me tells me that I must tell him he can't stay, because he's dead.....and he vanishes.......this is when I wake up crying in my sleep.
last night, he came in as a "new employee" and we sat and talked.......and when the voice told me he couldn't stay, I asked "it"(the voice) if I could leave instead and let him (my Son) stay....the answer was no....and when I turned to tell him, he was already gone.
this time my wife woke before I did because I was crying in my sleep so hard that I was shaking the bed.
at this point i'm wondering if I possibly have delayed PTSD.......or if i'm still in severe grief (I still have several crying spells a week, both triggered and un-triggered) 14+ yrs later.......or if maybe i'm just losing it.
my sleep is really thready, and I jerk myself awake several times a day (i'm a night worker) with no idea of why, but I think I may be avoiding dreaming.
i'm sorry to be so longwinded and dump so much here in my "Greetings" post.......but I found this site online and i'm hoping maybe I can find some peace here.
thanks for your patience
~Lee~
