Thank you Tony!
I am not sure, but I think, at least initially, that is the ability to love myself.
My dream from last night:
I go to a bar. The bartender gives me an orange oval pill in a blister pack and says "Here, try this vitamin." I ask if he wants me to pay him and he says no.
I leave as my family of origin has invited me to lunch. (In my family, I was the parentified oldest child of two alcolholic, dysfunctional people. I did not leave home until I was 28, after all my silblings...whom I called the kids...had left). We all get in a tiny blue car...some how I end up sitting in the back seat with a young girl (also blue) who looks like me. (The blue was a depressing blue...in between navy and light blue...like the color of blue play dough). There is not a lot of room and we are squuezed in very tight.
We arrive at the restaurant. Getting out of the car, I am carrying a fireplace grate (that would hold logs) in my left hand and luggage in my right. A dog with sharp teeth grabs my right arm. I try to shake him loose but he won't let go. My father reaches down and he says "Here, let me get that for you." He puts his finger between me and the dogs teeth and the dog releases his clench on my arm.
My father and the rest of them are walking far ahead of me. I am trying to catch up, but the grate and the bags are heavy and I fall behind. As I get closer to the restaurant, I see there is a dock next to it.
At the end of the dock, there is a woman calling names for people to board on the boat...she looks like an older version of me or my mother. There are a lot of people waiting. I can't see my family anymore..they did not wait for me or check to see if I needed help with what I was carrying so I could keep up with them. The woman calls out a name..."Christine Pacer"...it sounds similar to my name but I am not sure if she misspoke or I heard "Pacer" correctly. So I ask her...she misread my name (Karen is actually my middle name and I use it in my e-mail). By that time, the boat had already left. I complain and she says there is nothing she can do about it. I sit on the dock and cry.
As a child and for most of my life, I thought of myself as the second mother, third parent. Un fortunately, my family members would invite me in to some situation...I sometimes I insinuated myself as I was afraid for them and thought they needed me...and me thinking they might finally appreciate me...I was willing. I ended up being the servant, or slave...they backed out of their verbal commitments...left me with few or no healthy choices for myself...and went on with their lives. They refused to listen to my feelings...what I needed. I ended up feeling devasted, hurt, angry, resentful...acting it out... carrying the baggage of the situation for the whole family. They turned their backs on me, there is nothing I can do to change that.
Any of your thoughts the new dream would be appreciated. My father releasing the dogs clench on my arm I don't get. Also, is there any difference in interpretation between the left and right arms?
Blessings,
Chris
