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Author Topic: Dream and Real Life  (Read 2525 times)

Christine

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Dream and Real Life
« on: August 16, 2015, 06:17:12 AM »
I am driving a big black American muscle car, like a Mustang, Dodge Challenger or Roadrunner.  I think I am all black, I have a black passenger and maybe black people in the back seat.  I mean black hair, skin and clothes.  It is really dark out, maybe raining, wipers are slow.  I an driving down a street of crowded houses and cars parked on both sides of the road.  It is so black out the cars and houses are reflecting at their lightest a navy blue tinge.  I sense another car or cars behind me and I put on my right blinker and slow down looking for a place to park.

Next I am at a police station looking at a line up.  Everything is white.  A white man comes in and I see him and I see who it is.

Next I am in the back of the car.  Someone else is driving, two people in the front seat, in the back three people are holding me down.  I am screaming "I know who raped me it was my brother and I am going to kill him."  I am thrashing and fighting.  My teeth are sharp and I am biting the clothes and flesh of someone trying to hold me down.  I am pretty sure it is my brother.

I woke up feeling very angry...ravenous...although I know I can't stuff this down any more.

Tony Crisp

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Re: Dream and Real Life
« Reply #1 on: August 16, 2015, 11:10:58 AM »
Chris - You start off in a state of mind that is your natural drives, urges, longings and emotions uncluttered by intricate social taboos. Quite a start.

You pull over to park to deal with something and you are in a line up to identify the person, who turns out to be a white man.

Then you let yourself really feel what was behind 'it' all along, which has been allowed because you were uncluttered by intricate social taboos, and al hell broke loose as it needs to balance things in you.

You may feel awful, angry, or lost, but if you can let yourself live/survive through them I believe you will emerge as a new growing being.

Tony

Christine

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Re: Dream and Real Life
« Reply #2 on: August 17, 2015, 09:09:29 AM »
I actually feel somewhat lighter today.

My father had a volatile temperament and could be physically violent.  He physically attacked and threatened to kill each one of us at different points.  He also told me more than once that I was "mental" when I was telling the truth.  My brother did rape me,  I think I was about 13.  He was younger than me, but bigger and stronger.  I was afraid my parents would blame me because I was the oldest.  I was afraid they would kill me or him.  I was afraid one of us would go to prison.  My brother was also a compulsive liar and I was terrified of what he might conjure up about me.

So in that way "I married" my brother, the man I did not want.  By married I mean not speaking the truth about his evil in public or in private which is exactly the wife that my mother was to my father.  I think I have been angry about that for a long time, internalizing the humiliation and turning it into shame (I am a bad person because I let it happen and I am so angry and I want to kill him).  "In the backyard", at my parents house, "they said I went after someone younger than me because no one my age would want me."  That is what I was afraid my brother would say about me...that I was the aggressor and no one my age wanted me because I was fat and ugly...which I was told many times by my parents and siblings.

That urge to kill my brother has stayed with me.  There was a question on a Facebook page I am on today "If you woke up in the body of the opposite sex, what would you do?"  My first response was to kill somebody.   

I felt tremendous compassion for my brother as my father's son.  He has deep scars on his back from when my father whipped him.  I would change his ointments and his dressings.  But something snapped in him where he needed to have power over someone like my father had done to him.  Maybe I felt something like Stockholm Syndrome.  I was also the golden child, because I did well in school and was pretty obedient to my parents out of feeling terrified.  My parents held me up as an example or model to my siblings, which of course they hated.  I always felt enormous guilt about my successes as my parents used them to make the other ones feel bad. 

After my brother raped me, I dropped a lot of nourishing activities I participated in...making art, choir, hiking, camping, and friends.  My parents told me I had to get a job when I was 15, that is also when I got my license and I was the chauffer for my mom and 3 siblings.  Dad was off with his girlfriend I guess even though I did
not know it at the time.

Dating and other boys and men...if I was treated badly I internalized the humilation and it became shame and I wanted to kill them...acting out punishment and revenge instead of saying no when my intuition to protect myself told me to.  I would feel sorry for them...the trauma was repeated...I hurt myself instead of them or more than I hurt them.

Last night my dream was the following:

I was in the Wellness department of a local natural food store, in the section where they sell bulk teas, herbs and spices in giant glass jars.  I pull open a long thin light colored wooden drawer...which was almost hidden...and in it are 4 or so plastic zip lock bags.  It looks like black tea leaves in them.  The bags are labeled with white labels and some sort of red and black splotches.  I do not know why but opening the drawer and seeing them I felt relieved.  maybe something to do with containers.

Sorry for going on...this will be helpful to print out and bring to my therapist.

Tony Crisp

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Re: Dream and Real Life
« Reply #3 on: August 18, 2015, 07:49:17 AM »
Chris - When I was going through my inner world history and reliving it I found I had a number of pea sized lumps over my back. But when I released the anger I felt they all disappeared. It shows how our unreleased emotions can do strange and even terrible things to ones body.

I would suggest you beat hell out of your brother and father on some cushions. It can help to act out anger by hitting cushions or an armchair with a stick, tennis racquet or rolled up newspaper. Acting it out can often lead to a real release and then you can see where it all started. But letting it out in this way escapes the social consequences of actually doing it to them. When I did it the first time I couldn't really feel much but after that it rushed out of me as real anger. Also I had several experiences of intense fantasy where I killed my parents and jumped on their bodies till they were a bloody mess.

You may need to do it without feelings and automatically at first, but if you keep at it, it will slowly become real. You will probably need to do this a number of times over a period of time to feel the results. It is important to let any feelings be expresses and not to feel guilty about any negative feelings to people. In releasing them in this way you are not hurting anyone, but you are clearing out your unexpressed darkness.

Another experience I witnessed was a young woman who had a muscle in her back that was like solid iron. When I massaged it and pressed on it she started to scream, not in pain but in anger. She went on banging and shouting for some minutes spontaneously and when finished she said, “No wonder I haven’t talked to my sister for years - I was so angry with her”.

Your dream suggests that you are now in the place of 'natural healing', probably because, as shown in Life's Little Secrets, when you can allow spontaneous release you find healing. The containers probably contain feelings or experiences that when known also have healing properties. Use http://dreamhawk.com/dream-encyclopedia/acting-on-your-dream/#BeingPerson to really open the packages - or even http://dreamhawk.com/dream-encyclopedia/secrets-power-dreaming/

Keep going Chris.

Tony