An old dream that I still remember perfectly.

[pixiestick]

  Dear Tony, could you please help me decipher:

   Four years ago I had a very vivid dream that still sticks with me. I was driving in the car I owned at the time on a long road at night surrounded by woods. Up ahead around a curve I saw a woman walking on the side of the road. She was facing the same direction in which I was driving. Her head was shaved, and she was completely nude. I see her fall over. I stop my car and rush out to help, screaming "are you okay?" I looked at the woman in her face and noticed her eyes suddenly turned pitch black, no white. I thought to myself that I had to get out of there. I continued driving until daylight.
     I arrive at a theater. I walk inside, up to the line and realize that I didn't have my wallet on me. I ask my good friend/ the guy whom I was involved with romantically at the time if he could spot me until I found my wallet. He told me that he couldn't buy me a ticket because he didn't have enough money. There was a large sign indicating that the price of the tickets were 10 dollars. He pulled out a 20 dollar bill to the cashier and stuck the change in his pocket. The woman at the counter asked if I was buying a ticket. I told her that I had lost my wallet and couldn't so I was leaving. Then the woman said "wait, aren't you Mara's daughter?" I replied "yes" kind of confused as to how she knew that. She said "oh, yeah I know her.. walk in". I walk in and search for the one person who was my confidant to tell her what had happened earlier. She was a former teacher of mine and had been there for me through a lot of things. She was more or less a mother figure. Every time I saw her she was busy doing something so I left.
     I make it home and the first thing I see is police tape every where. I'm utterly confused. A police officer approaches me, asks who I am, and then tells me that my mother had fallen off the balcony and they were investigating whether it was a suicide/homicide/ or accident. I'm in shock. They tell me to grab a few of my things and leave. I go into my room and see my cat. She nudges me and I cry myself to sleep with her by my side. I wake up forgetting everything that had happened and start to go into my mom's room asking for her "mom?". I saw the tape around her door. I break down. Everything hit me at exactly one time. I walk out the house and some time had obviously passed in the dream. I was now at gathering up stairs in what seemed to be another theatre, but more movie theater like. I'm staring off into space, zoning out. My grandparents are somewhere around. I hear a woman's voice. "Toni?" I tilt my head up just enough to hear her a little better. She said "I knew your mother; you killed her." I look up, my eyes didn't make it to her face; however, they rested on the little blond boy who's hand she was holding, and in his other hand was a bright red balloon. I run down stairs crying and then wake up.

Thank you so much,
pixie

[pixiestick]

i should add that when I say I woke up after crying myself to sleep that I was still dreaming. I dreamt I fell asleep.

[Tony Crisp]

Pixie – I sense that you have met several shocks in your life that had smashed a good feeling that you had, and thus the tears.

The first one, represented by the woman you tried to help with all black eyes, was that you see that people have no love or kindness or even humanity in them,

Then you move on from there to meet the guy who could obviously help you but he refused and lied. As you started your journey in life with the intention of helping and supporting – as shown by you stopping to help a fallen woman – it was a shock.

Then the loss of your dream mother was the final blow. Of course it wasn’t your mother in the dream, but all the good and helpful feelings in you gained from your mother. Suddenly you felt life wasn’t worth living, or you killed out the good feelings, and therefore you cried yourself to sleep.

Obviously I use my words, but I hope it gives you an outline you can recognise.

Tony

[pixiestick]

Thanks Tony,
I guess you could say that I've had several shocks in life.
My dream mother being all the kindness I knew of disappearing, is quite the contrary to actual nature. She was just all I had known period and I'm pretty certain not diagnosed with schizophrenia due to the fact she had never seen a professional. I'm just lucky to be alive.

 I feel as though there have been several deep psychological roots in my dreams, and I usually just wake up with a strange feeling, have a cup of coffee and then ignore the rest of it. I bury things subconsciously.

This blonde boy with a red balloon has appeared in a few other dreams also. Could this be significant?

[Tony Crisp]

Pixiestick – I see where I went wrong, I assumed that that there was a good side to your mother. I should have taken the story as your dream told it. The mother was a death of part of you.

The little blonde boy with a balloon – it shows a change of mood, a change from all that preceded it in the dream, becoming a child and so a new life.

Tony

[pixiestick]

Wow thanks Tony,
So it's almost as though I didn't see hope in my current situation and left that behind me. Interesting. Thanks so much!! You've really helped out Tony!!!

Sincerely,
Pixiestick

[Tony Crisp]

I was tired when I wrote that reply, then on going to bed I realised something I wanted to write to you.

It is that having delved into myself over many years I can see that life is not a punishment. It often feels like it, but if we look closely we find out that it is an amazing confrontation with ourselves. When we see this we can get on with what needs to be done. I realised that some pretty big rocks had been dropped in my path, and in unblocking the way I had to shift those rocks. Looking back I can see what wonderful strengths that has given me, and some measure of wisdom also.

I can see you can move on.

Tony