Merging?

[Rain_Dancer]

Last night I dreamed I was in a house where there was a Yeti wandering about, a dark and ominous presence.
There were others with me, and I got into a very large vehicle, the size of a fire truck, to go find it and run it down.  I was surprised they trusted me, and how capable and competent and able to operate this vehicle.  I drove toward it, and it became triplet babies, and then a figure made of sand that dissolved and blew away.

In the next part of the dream, the ominous, dark, unseen presence returned and this time, for some reason, I ran screaming GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT WE NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE NOW! to everyone in the house.  I felt panicked and urgent, and when we all got in the car together safe and sound, I woke up.

So...in waking life - today, I am at the store and I hear a man SNAP and go off on his young daughter.  I hear him grabbing her and without even thinking I am drawn to them like a moth to a flame and I just stand there.  He has her by her arms and is shaking her and I stand there looking him in the face until he notices me.  I tell him, you are coming across as being very cruel.  She is very small.  She is very vulnerable.  It feels distressing to hear and see this.
The little girl says, "It's ok" and I'm like...no, this isn't ok.  I tell the father again, you are her father and I respect that AND she is very small.  She is very young. 
He apologized that I had to see that (grrr....) and the energy dissipated and he walked away
and I bring this up because...the feelings, the FEELINGS were exactly the same as the first part of my dream last night.

Part of me wants to worry about whether he is going to take things out even worse on her when they get home, part of me wonders why I didn't go ignore it or go in the other direction, part of me wonders if I made a positive difference by standing up and saying something, part of me wonders if I got worked up over nothing and part of me wants to not analyze it too much and just shift focus and finish my homework

This has been a whole week of standing up to scary feelings - getting into an argument with my son and not being "nice" or pretending things were ok when they were not (I've been scared to be in conflict with him because I worried he would not let me see my grandson); getting cheeky with my roomie over something small and letting him know I felt angry (when usually I'm just kind of compliant and agreeable); my instructor walked out on our class this week and I hunted him down and told him (essentially) I PAY FOR THIS CLASS AND THIS IS NOT OK FOR  YOU TO JUST WALK OUT WHEN IT'S YOUR OWN FAULT YOU HAVEN'T COME UP WITH A CURRICULUM (he actually came back and apologized for being an asshole - his words - and sent an apology email to the whole class!).

I kind of want to know what it all MEANS .  Maybe I'm just maturing as a woman.  I've let myself be vulnerable and had a ton of "deer in the headlights" moments recently where I just let myself feel naked and exposed (showing my ignorance...literally on stage under the bright theater lights, ha) so perhaps that's giving me courage.  I don't know.  I wonder what you think?

[Rain_Dancer]

With the guy at the store, what I feel is angry because ...there's NO WAY he would lay a hand on a grown person.  He was bullying his daughter and venting his frustration on her because she is smaller and vulnerable.   

Just yesterday I was remembering some long-forgotten memories of being bullied when I was young.  And I JUST came across a dream from several months ago where I stood up to some men who were mistreating dolphins and saying to them, I want to stand up and be a voice for the ones who can't speak for themselves.

I really feel the need to be a shining and clear presence, a force of truth.  I feel baffled that people continue to heap abuses they experienced on their children and try to justify and rationalize it.  I was abused and I REMEMBER HOW THAT FELT and I did my damndest to break the chain of pain.  That's what I feel I want to be in the world - that bright sun that burns away the fog of lies, confusion, misdirection, trauma...any and all of the stuff that keeps us from knowing our love for each other and from being kind to each other.

[Tony Crisp]

Rain Dancer - Sometimes it is confusing to grow into a fuller more angry, outspoken person, and stand for what you know is right. Do you know the story of The Little Woman, Gladys Aylward, a British tiny woman who went to China and was sent into a prison to deal with a crazy man who had already killed people in the prison? Well she was so straight and fierce with the man he broke down.

Growth does not mean you become 'nice' - at least not all the time - because often bullies are never faced by people as you did.

But it takes even more courage to face your own fears - the ominous, dark, unseen presence. Remember whenever we dream its images are not like real life, because a dream is nothing like outer life where things could hurt you, but is an image like on a cinema screen that even if a gun is pointed at you and fired it can do no damage - except if you run in fear; so all the things that scare you are simply your own fears projected onto the screen of your sleeping mind.

The ominous, dark and often unseen things that haunt us in our dreams are either past hurts we need to meet and heal, or actually our own future growth, our own amazing potential that because it is new and unknown, often appears as something scary. But we have to remember that having a personality with self awareness is a very new thing and has only existed for a short time. Before that we were like animals that lived only in the Life Will – what we usually call instincts. So the development of self awareness was an immense step, and left us very vulnerable, and still does.

Many people as their awareness reaches beyond what they feel is their normal self feel scared. Such resistances cause us to create awful dreams and fears as a means of avoiding our own inner world and its wonders. We feel that we will be swallowed up and we will die. It is important to say that when we meet the experience of powerlessness through becoming aware of the hugeness of your Life, which we are usually unaware if, it feels like something alien or attacking us, and it is a shock. See http://dreamhawk.com/inner-life/water-wonderland/

I feel you are moving into a wider sphere of your life, so keep on keeping on, for the place you can reach is a new world of experience. One of the great secrets – is taking the next small step. You don’t have to be superhuman, and everyday life offers you the opportunity to transform. As you reach out to life, life reaches out to you – and ‘life’ includes plants, animals, children and people of all nations. It includes the rain and sunshine, thunder and lightening, the sky and rivers. Believe me, this is not just a platitude.

Tony

[Rain_Dancer]

I'm reading and re-reading your response and drinking it it.
It's hard to believe that was nearly 3 weeks ago.  I question myself, though.  I was feeling so bothered by a new roommate moving my personal stuff in our shared space that I actually had a dream that I was screaming at and threatening her.  So I asked her in waking life, to stop moving my stuff.  Even after 2 conversations about it, she wouldn't, and was very angry and condescending with me.  I didn't bite and allow myself to get dragged into defending or explaining, and now she is moving suddenly (for other reasons). 
I'm feeling as if...a long-standing pattern of passive-aggressiveness is shifting to active aggression, ha
Which is where I question myself - is this okay?  To be aggressive? 
Interesting, too, to look back and realize I squashed this part of my personality because former friends and a former lover both found my aggression quite intimidating and that is when I unconsciously switched to a more passive-aggressive style, to fit in with people I didn't even really like that much who didn't like me much, either.

I've hardly remembered any of my dreams since then.  I miss them!

[Tony Crisp]

Rain Dancer - I was a passive and not an aggressive person – then gradually I developed aggression which made my heart beat faster but wasn’t quite right.

But I feel there is a step beyond aggression called ‘Strength’. Sometimes I think it is called assertiveness, but I feel assertiveness only comes when you feel your own strength.

I remember that at a time when I was beset with feeling overwhelmed, I thought it as a tiger running loose in myself. But gradually I developed the strength to get hold of the tiger – aggression – and bring it to calmness. (I am still learning this 

I feel that allowing yourself aggression is a growth – and if you continue to honour yourself and your true feeling, the aggression cannot help but grow into strength.

Tony