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Author Topic: Mud  (Read 7260 times)

Omega

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Mud
« on: February 15, 2016, 09:32:17 AM »
I get away from an abuser. He keeps pushing himself on me, pretending to read my newspaper. I run to a bathroom and lock the door.
Then I'm looking at a 'film location' it's a very big field on high ground. I go to climb a very long gate to enter it, but the gate swings open. The field is completely mud, the gate swings right into the centre of the field, making the gate incredibly long, and my feet skate along the mud as I hold on, then the gate swings back to the entrance and I let go. A woman passes, very unhappy looking, pushing a barrel of potatoes. I'm walking away on a lane, suddenly lots of cars and a beautiful sheepdog who loves me.

Then Im in a building and discover I'm naked I run to the bathroom to hide. The bathroom is red.
Then I'm with a famous singer, his wife is dead, he's looking out at sea, probably thinking of her. I think how lucky he is to have had love and a normal life, unlike me.

I have plenty of thoughts, but if it suits, I always find your input very illuminating. Thanks Tony.
I guess I am most curious about this huge muddy field on the crest of the hill.
« Last Edit: February 15, 2016, 11:08:54 AM by Omega »

Tony Crisp

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Re: Mud
« Reply #1 on: February 15, 2016, 11:40:07 AM »
Omega – You start and finish by running to the bathroom to either avoid feelings of being seen as a sexual object or being revealed. Because I believe we creator our dreams and inner life, often without great awareness, I feel that running to the bathroom/toilet is no great help. It can be a great thing to do in waking life but in dream/inner life you are simply avoiding meeting difficult feelings. The bathroom/toilet is a place you can let go of or get rid of things you wouldn’t usually expose publicly. This usually refers to things you feel or things you might be ashamed of, but can also be about sexual matters.

The location for filming suggests something that you were about to be aware and involved in but ended up on a swinging gate, a backward and forward movement. It put you into the middle of a mass of - the retarding aspect of your hesitations and fears - which you ‘skated over’. Any video or film, even if the characters or theme seem strange, is nearly always a depiction of some aspect of you. Some drives or areas of self act or express despite what we would want.

The woman pushing barrel probably represents doing something you are unhappy with – or could be a reference about eating potatoes.

Several cars may represent the many opportunities you are in the middle of, and the dog shows you that in fact you are very loved if you can accept it -although at the end you say that you do not have it. But the suggestion is you run away from human love because of difficult feelings.

Tony

Omega

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Re: Mud
« Reply #2 on: February 15, 2016, 01:56:38 PM »
Thank you so much Tony. Re the bathroom I guess I need to add more information.
In the dream I first tried moving away, he came closer, I divided the paper and gave him 90% of it, but he insisted he wanted to read the bit still in my hands leaning closer, I shouted 'leave me alone leave me alone' and he turned a really powerful anger on me and started saying there's something wrong with me, I must have issues as he's not doing anything. I only ran to the bathroom as I simply could not win against him and it was my only hope to stay safe.
I am little and he is bigger and physically stronger. So how would you see the bathroom in this context? I'm just thinking..in many homes the bathroom is the only room that has a lock..

I think the mud is a cold messy expanse that I can't walk through, I can't understand it. The woman my mother angry at peeling endless potatoes to feed endless kids. As an aspect of me - my frustration at the toil of life taking me nowhere. The film shoot makes me turn my attention on this cold muddy aspect of myself. What is it? Mud: I am winter, I am disturbed trodden ground, over-used no rest, no protection, exposed to the rain and wind. What is the fear? Of being worked to the bone by bullying authority figures, never getting to experience gentleness, growth, spring, love

Run away from human love? Sure. It's very difficult to recognise real love.
Emm in fact that singer is connected to someone I know and like who tried to connect with me recently - but I felt such panic I ran. He seemed like a genuinely kind and loving person. So you may have hit that right on the head.
« Last Edit: February 15, 2016, 04:20:35 PM by Omega »

Tony Crisp

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Re: Mud
« Reply #3 on: February 16, 2016, 10:40:48 AM »
Dear Omega – You still seem to be very much locked into your physical self-image – in other word you seem to see YOU as the weakness you exhibit with your body.

I am not sure how to help you get another view of this, because many tiny women who had no privileged position or power of wealth make big men shake. See https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gladys_Aylward

I have to start by saying that you are alive, and so have the power of life and as such you are a miracle which nobody really understands, thought the world of science and religion are all trying to do so. As a living being you are bombarded by sense impressions, so it is like being in the middle of a mass of incoming information and body sensations, instinctive responses, cultural and other peoples pressure – BUT if you watch all this you will notice that all of it changes moment by moment. One impression passes and another one takes its place. But what or who is the consciousness or awareness upon which all these passing impression play?

That is often a difficult question to answer because virtually everyone believes THEY ARE their passing sense impressions. But YOU are simply an amazing screen of awareness upon which the play of images, emotions, beliefs and impressions appear. Like a cinema screen which when the film finishes is clear and silent. Or like a mirror which reflects everything yet is itself none of those things.

A young woman wrote to me recently saying, “I was a preemie as well and think I have memories, although I always thought they were just young kid imaginings, although I couldn’t put words on these experiences because they were simply observations…wonder observations for me.” I said to her, “Also your premature intuitions are fascinating because I feel that most people suffer an enormous amnesia.” That amnesia leaves us victims to doubts, uncertainty, anxiety and fear along with the certainty we are simply a body ruled by our sense impressions. See http://dreamhawk.com/dream-dictionary/core/

Maybe treat the bullies as young children who have never grown up – cowering simply encourages them in the belief they are so powerful. See http://dreamhawk.com/relationship-sex/beware-of-love/

I know that will sound unattainable as it used to, to me, cowering whenever a ‘real’ man was around. You can become a real woman who is equal to any real man. So try using http://dreamhawk.com/approaches-to-being/the-lifestream/#Open

Tony

Omega

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Re: Mud
« Reply #4 on: February 16, 2016, 11:03:26 AM »
Thank you for this Tony.

reading 'life stream/open' that is what I am working on right now..that dance and being open to it..

I am trying to understand this...  - Is this being locked into a physical self-image?
As a child I had no way of protecting myself and those who had that responsibility did not protect me.  I'm in the journey of finding empowerment.  I am however at least shouting and defending myself in the dreamworld - even if I don't win - I am living to fight another day. I'm also engaging with this really angry force. I would say it's not quite fear I feel in the dream but exasperation that nothing I do works and a sense of realism, that my 'powers' are insufficient to this battle. I expect to find those powers in future dreams. I will let you know!


Yes some women have men quaking in their boots, but put a woman or child in a physical fight with a man and usually the man will win, no matter how determined the woman is. Sometimes it's not about attitude. Ive long understood the psychology of the bully, they get so much attention. I less understand the psychology and path, of those who are overpowered, murdered etc  The complete loss of power. Complete vulnerability and inability to protect oneself, despite all efforts.

 I have engaged a lot with the idea of the world being created by our beliefs, however those beliefs are not just thoughts, they are profound, often life or death experiences and are difficult to reorder, especially on the extreme end of the spectrum that I'm curious about, mentioned above.

Am I locked in physical self-image or just processing unprocessed childhood experience?
Now as an adult developing the power of consciousness, bringing those experiences out of the unconscious so they stop influencing me. While they may just be passing sensations on my blank screen on one level, on another level they are an ancestral story I'm part of and need to play my part in, or resolve my lack of consciousness therein.


Thankyou for your feedback Tony, it's great to benefit from your thoughts and experience. Most interested to hear your thoughts on the other half of the bully dynamic, murder victims, the powerlessness etc

Thankyou!

(On a note of progress, last night I dreamt it began to rain and I was going to take shelter in an old damp boarded up house, but an old man passing advised me against it, so I went back out on the road and I looked over the countryside and all along the horizon and along the hill tops was a kind of rainbow, predominantly deep pink/red in colour and though it wasn't crystal clear, its energy was very strong and in the dream I just thought, 'that's a strange place for a rainbow' but also was impressed by it and it was such a contrast to the cold dark house I'd been seeking out to shelter in moments before)
« Last Edit: February 18, 2016, 12:54:55 PM by Omega »

Tony Crisp

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Re: Mud
« Reply #5 on: February 18, 2016, 01:46:42 PM »
Omega – You set me right in the nicest possible way – and I agree with you,

But I never meant you must stand and deal with a fight – in the physical world. I had a broken rib and a massive black eye from who I thought were my friends. In the Chinese art or war, it suggests that at times it is wise to run away. I was referring to changes within us.

But I do feel there is a way to find enormous change. But strangely enough the way might be seen by some as a form of cowardice. It is a way of surrendering everything to a greater power. It is all stated in the 12 steps of AA. But I think the first three steps are sufficient for most of us. Here they are, with slight editing:

1 We admit we are powerless over our own self - that our lives had become unmanageable.
2 We come to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3 We make a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of that Power as we understand it.

I would alter it even more, but it is good, but. Yes, a big BUT, having been to several AA meetings and watched or observe others coming to a similar sort of meeting. I saw that they do not actually hand over their life – they offer just little bits of themselves. Most people say they will surrender, but not their sexual feelings, not their political convictions or their body, and certainly not their religious beliefs.

It has been noted there is a conflict between the two reactions of defence/control and surrender. They feel this conflict may be the source of the severe anxiety experienced by some people as they face their own internal self. Jung makes the statement that people in the West cannot find God because none of us can bow low enough. More likely many of us more typically feel the fear we Westerners have of the unconscious life process in us. We see in it possible madness, loss of self, and possession by unnamed urges and forces. In a real sense we find it difficult to open to the process of life which causes our existence.


I know, I have been on my soap box again. But the truth I have found is that some change can be made by force of will. But we all have a greater force that can change us – that greater force is what keeps is breathing and living now. But you say, “'life stream/open' that is what I am working on right now - that dance and being open to it.” That is enough.

Of course we are locked in physical self-image or just processing unprocessed childhood experience. But that can change gradually as you continue. Things gradually drop away.

Tony

Omega

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Re: Mud
« Reply #6 on: February 18, 2016, 04:00:18 PM »
Thank you Tony.

I will just add two thoughts for my own reference when reading back in this, which I always do.

I just found a note I made earlier in the year from your Dream Yoga.. ' take all these fears and obstacles into you - claim them as your disowned power working against you and set it to work for you'
So that would be one perspective on a murder victim someone who is completely separated from their connection to their own power, their life force, for whatever reason.

 'surrender' - many people have a long history of that not being a safe process. For instance as a young romantic I would 'surrender to love' but put myself in really dangerous situations with men or just friendships - that were not even close to sharing my noble sentiments. Just as in the chinese art of war you mention - surrender requires a lot of discrimination even if it is happening on the inner plane.

So it's a step by step process - a relationship of trust with the universe, with life flow that is built by taking tiny steps and seeing the results. Then as the relationship grows it becomes safer, but at the beginning it's not reliable, it's a rocky road of yielding what you should probably keep control of and controlling what you should let go of. People are scared too because it's a territory we are practically banished from through the intensive insane education system.

As I said this is just for me to tie this all in to my current understanding, but feel free to add thoughts if you like.
Things are gradually dropping away, but it's a very intense, very emotional journey! Horrible and wonderful.
Thanks so much for your feedback Tony, much appreciated.
« Last Edit: February 18, 2016, 10:36:30 PM by Omega »

Tony Crisp

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Re: Mud
« Reply #7 on: February 19, 2016, 01:14:52 PM »
Omega - I may already have said this:

“I said to my soul, be still and wait without hope, for hope would be hope for the wrong thing; wait without love, for love would be love of the wrong thing; there is yet faith, but the faith and the love are all in the waiting. Wait without thought, for you are not ready for thought: So the darkness shall be the light, and the stillness the dancing.”
― T.S. Eliot

Also - The conviction that behind the darkness I had within me was a light that was never diminished. So each day I would sit for half an hour not meditating but without any goal or expectation, for I felt if there is any real thing beyond my own experience it would come like a friend who I was waiting for and I do not have to imagine and meditate the friend because when they came they would touch me on the shoulder and I would know them as physically real. 

And:

Falling Away

Things fall away.
Leaves fall from trees in the autumn,
Which if taken in the summer
Would have torn living tissues,
And bled.

Words tumble from our mouth
When the heart is right,
That have held long years
In our body.

Babes kick and fall
Gasping from the womb.
For time is a ripener
That drops the unseen into form.

So evils fall from us
Without tearing them from the bosom.
So too the transparencies
Of our failings become opaque,
And drop away.
So do all things leave us
As That emerges into Time,
Making it Timeless.

Tony
« Last Edit: February 26, 2016, 07:57:50 AM by Tony Crisp »

Omega

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Re: Mud
« Reply #8 on: February 25, 2016, 08:22:17 PM »
Beautiful thanks so much Tony.
I've been writing poems myself, trying to understand my connection to these topics, but your poem really gives me a view I did not have. Thank you.