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Author Topic: Seeing a child get killed.  (Read 2331 times)

Christine

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Seeing a child get killed.
« on: July 23, 2016, 11:05:11 PM »
The night before last I dreamt that I was a bride.  I was very tall and was looking down at my gown, a long satin white dress. I remember caressing the fabric with my hands and smoothing it below my waist with my palms.  On my right next to me and walking slightly in front of me a small grey child.  We were walking together somewhere.

(I was surprised by the dream as I am usually not the bride).

Last night...I was in a store...I was cleaning the display cases...organizing the displays...there were also round racks of colorful clothes...but everything else was grey.  Someone put some, what looked like gorgeous gemstone earrings into one of the cases.  They had stopped to show them to me.  I cleaned the case and once I did that I looked into it and the earrings were grey ugly clay.  They were not how they were originally presented to me.

I leave the display case and walk off the sales floor into what looks like an apartment behind the store.  Again everything is black, grey, old furniture, old grey sink.  There is a huge hole in a wall, torn wallpaper around it and an old curtain and rod dangling from above it.  I move a old fireplace in front of the hole to try and make the place look a bit better.  It does not do much good and I feel incredibly sad.

All of a sudden I have this child with me.  The back of his or her head hurts at the base of his neck.  I am feeling his or her overwhelming grief.  Sometimes I am the adult and sometimes I feel I am him or his feelings.  He is telling me that he saw a child get killed by a pitch fork in a field that was being sown.  The child who was killed was grey and the adult man who killed the child was grey.   He/I stopped speaking.  Everyone, the other adults, were worried that he would tell, that he might say something.

Next I am looking in an orphanage or a place where children were abandoned....it was a huge room with cots and children in the cots spread out in an orderly fashion...everything was grey...the children the cots the floors the walls the ceiling...everything.  I wake one of the children up.  I am the adult and on a feeling level I am also the child.  We walk out of the building.

I turn around and I see this huge white house.  A door in the middle of the flat front, four windows on each side two up and two down.  There are a small childs clothes, colorful, on hangers outside a few of the windows.
I realize that I was in the house.  I slowly back up from the house and it is getting smaller and smaller.


« Last Edit: July 24, 2016, 05:47:00 AM by Christine »

Tony Crisp

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Re: Seeing a child get killed.
« Reply #1 on: July 24, 2016, 02:59:56 PM »
Chris – Wow interesting dreams. At last the greyness in your life has been pinpointed – I think – to something that happened. It is an overwhelming grief you experienced as you/the child you.

The grey suggest to me, but I may be wrong, that it happened in the past, maybe the long past. Only you can really know be tuning into the grief that is now part of the present.

I don’t know if this is relevant, a man’s description of such a past memory.
“Suzanne told me my voice changed as I cried out again and again for release from the pain of losing all my children, my husband, even my parents. My hands were clawing my legs in an effort to express the misery, and I was screaming that I could not bear to live any longer with such pain. I cried out to God to take me, for there was nothing left for me to live for.  “Why? Why did this happen to me? Why has everything I loved been taken from me?”

There was no response to these awful cries and tearing sobs.  But slowly a shift began.  It seemed to me as an observer witnessing this awful pain, that by entering this place the spirit of that woman had woken in me.  But as she had died in such unresolved agony of loss, that is what was met when she awoke.  But gradually she realised she was alive again in a new way.  She began to recognise that I was holding her within me. Because I was not frightened of pain and emotions, the misery could play itself out in me.  And because my understanding of what was happening flowed into her awareness, she slowly saw and felt her loss in a different way.  In fact, we were both realising she was experiencing resurrection, and that in turn meant there was no final death as believed by many.  Therefore, there was no loss as she had originally felt it.”

But you started by saying you were a bride smoothing the gown with a grey child in front of you. To me this is sure sign that a great and important change is about or is ready to occur to you – the marriage of you to yourself – the becoming whole.

There is something you need to attend to, something ‘in front of you’ – the greyness and the boy. It is a hole in the fabric of yourself that you have tried to deal with, which leads to sadness/greyness. There are so many things that are part of you, like the feeling of abandonment, the sadness, the greyness in your life, the boy killed while in the process of seeding, planting his harvest, the huge house that is slipping from your memory with its colour.

How will you deal with it all? Well it seems like you have slowly moved this far, and are meeting things that are signs of great change. Maybe you could try http://dreamhawk.com/dream-dictionary/practical-techniques-for-understanding-your-dreams/#TalkingAs or http://dreamhawk.com/approaches-to-being/opening-to-life/

Tony
« Last Edit: July 28, 2016, 07:58:35 AM by Tony Crisp »

Christine

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Re: Seeing a child get killed.
« Reply #2 on: July 27, 2016, 09:35:29 AM »
Thank you Tony.  I think you are right about a next or last step.  I had originally wrote, and deleted for some reason, something similar to my next statement after the post.

As the oldest child and a female, I was always told my first obligation was to my family and not myself.  If I wanted to put myself or what I wanted first I was told I was selfish, had a big ego, who did I think I was etc.  If I was male, I do not think that would have happened.  Of course I went along with it, especially because I was terrified of my father, because of his physical punishment of my mother and us.  No matter how he treated me, he treated my brother the worst as far as punishment and taunting goes, as I think he viewed him as competition.  My mother was passive but complicit in regards to my fathers abuse.  I did what my parents wanted, did well in school and got my bachelors and masters degree in business.  My brother tried college and it was not a good fit for him.  My parents told him he had to get a job so he could pay them rent.  He had trouble finding one and they kicked him out.  He moved from friend to friend when he was only 17.  I felt sorry for my brother and my siblings, and tried to make up to them for how my parents treated them.  That was not my job and they only took advantage of me.  That was them acting out their aggression towards being "parented" I suppose, so in a way it was not about me.  When I was 35, I remembered that when I was 7 I saw my father try to push my Mom off a second story porch.  Around that time, I found out he had a mistress.  Just before he died, I realized he had been an alcoholic for most of his life. He died and did not leave a will.  Before he died he gave his mistress a lot of cash.  The lawyers and the nursing home for my Mom got the money from the estate.

I served someone who, I was unaware, was deliberately self - sabotaging what I wanted in order for me to have what he wanted.  In a way this was repeated with my ex - husband and even my son.  I felt taken advantage of.  I did not get what I wanted or expected.  I felt like my investment of time, energy, love, compassion for my them was not returned.

I was thinking about this the night I posted the dream and that night I had a vision of the back of someones head.  It was long black dreadlocks in a pony tail.  Then a big splotch of red paint which was turning to gold leaf.

Last night "I am....a container for myself" and "Finally at last compassion."


Tony Crisp

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Re: Seeing a child get killed.
« Reply #3 on: July 28, 2016, 08:47:00 AM »
Chris – I am not sure how you interpret, "I am....a container for myself", but it reminds me of this, a man’s account:

I was in the unconscious. Maybe that sounds strange, but I experienced it as a place, a location, as one does when you dream of being somewhere, but it’s actually the way dreams seem to work. And I was searching for a way to escape from the place, travelling all over looking for the way out. It went on for ages and slowly it became obvious that there was no way out, for I realised that I was trying to escape from myself. I had made such an awful place to be, to be me, or events had led me to make a real mess of the job of being me, and that was why I was looking for an escape.

It was a real shock to see that I had created such a mess. I say that because there was no one else in here with me, so I had to see it as all my own doing. It wasn’t that other people, mom and dad hadn’t done some pretty rough things, but where I was standing I saw that it was my reaction to it that was making the mess of myself. So I saw that there was no escape from myself and I had to start reshaping my reactions, sort of re-creating myself. It took bloody ages to first admit I had done it to myself, because I kept thinking, “Yes, but, they did that to me. Look, it was them the buggers.” But that didn’t change anything and I was still living in the mess. Then when I accepted it, things began to change.

 "Finally at last compassion." Could this be a real life changer?

Tony

Christine

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Re: Seeing a child get killed.
« Reply #4 on: July 28, 2016, 01:28:17 PM »
A life changer...I am not sure about that.  But it does seem like I have been circling around my account for a long time.  I am pretty sure the grey child did not feel like she had a right to exist, a right to her own voice, a right to say no, and was sometimes afraid to say yes.

Yesterday a friend asked my opinion about something.  I told her that she generally does not listen to my opinion, which I have given many times on what she was asking about, and I am not willing to give it anymore.

I can react and act differently to stay in my self.  I decide what to keep out or let in.  I can have compassion for myself as a separate and different person that other people.
« Last Edit: July 28, 2016, 01:35:23 PM by Christine »

Tony Crisp

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Re: Seeing a child get killed.
« Reply #5 on: July 29, 2016, 08:00:02 AM »
Chris - "Yesterday a friend asked my opinion about something.  I told her that she generally does not listen to my opinion, which I have given many times on what she was asking about, and I am not willing to give it anymore."

That is a sign of great change :)

Keep on keeping on.

Tony