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Author Topic: strangling a voice  (Read 1027 times)

Monica

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strangling a voice
« on: March 09, 2018, 04:02:56 AM »
Hi again Tony  ::)

About a week before grandma had this strong decline in her health I had a dream that in some sort of way was a sequel for a process I began on "revisiting" dreams and real life situations acting them on in the dream context with the idea of healing in mind. What keeps me wondering is the fact that there were lots of interesting anticipating signals that brought me to a scenario I've not experienced for a long time: a loved one's death; and this particular dream came along with all of it. I don't really know how to classify it, it's the kind of dream that happens as if it was a waking experience, resembling the exact environment, placement and situation you're in that same moment. It's happened before but, as I've read happens with this type of dreams, this time I don't end up waking after a struggle to breathe or feeling I can't scream under an apparently terrifying threat (always in supernatural circumstances).
This time it happens as if I'm awakening because there's a "voice" (with no clear origin or body) that begins to quietly mutter words that I just don't get. It's a feminine voice behind me, I know for sure. I "open" my eyes and let the chatter continues as I get aware of my posture, the darkness of the room, the place the voice "comes" from... So I realize it's whispering just behind my right ear; then I feel it's something that's trying to make me scared with its persistence, so I begin repeating "In the name of Jesus", over and over, and some other few words as if on prayer, admonishing the thing to get out of here. This time the prayer is so consistent that I manage to "get up", then I use the blanket to cover or "wrapping" the voice -it's clear to me it's almost an object, even when it's invisible-, and I press it tight with my hands as if trying to strangle it, then pushing it furiously agains the mattress to make sure it'll disappear (maybe die). I treat it like a poisonous animal, in a violent and resolute way.
It's under my fists when I wake up for real; my position reveals it's a dream, because I'm lying on my back, not squating as happened when I "attacked" the voice. But again a curious detail: I wake up because I hear the sound of a sort of toy xylophone placed in the lower floor's bookcase. This sound is "real", and is weird because it's only occasionally produced when it's touched, or when there's a wind entering the room when we open the door. At that instant there's no apparent thing to produce the sound. So the awakening acts like another part of the dream, a part designed to make me notice maybe it was not just a dream... something beyond my grasp trying to get my attention, through my ear. Another particular detail is I don't fear at all. I'm very ready to listen -I know it's not about "seeing" this time-, and I'm determined to smother that voice which came to disturb my resting state. Then hours after I recalled it was Ash Wednesday, curious if I think it was a kind of spiritual battle between me and that  bodiless voice...

Tony Crisp

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Re: strangling a voice
« Reply #1 on: March 09, 2018, 11:08:10 AM »
Monica – I have never found a dream that tries to frighten us – “I feel it's something that's trying to make me scared.”

Yes, our human frailties often lead us to feel anxious frightened or even terrified as I describe in https://dreamhawk.com/dream-encyclopedia/integration-meeting-oneself/#MyOwn I honestly are convinced, not out of any idealistic thinking, but out of long experience, that dreams are always trying to convey a way to grow beyond our present self.

Your experiences appear to be a powerful attempt to communicate something that obviously you do not want to see because it is scary. I see it not as a spiritual battle, but as a battle to prevent you from realising something maybe about death. “… as if trying to strangle it, then pushing it furiously against the mattress to make sure it'll disappear (maybe die).”

Remember that dreams and their content are a mixture of ones deep unconscious and ones personal beliefs and reactions. The unconscious was formed over millions of year from animal existence. Speech was only developed in the past few seconds of our long history. I myself as I explored the way the unconscious expresses in vocal sounds, first were simply meaningless sounds which by patiently asking for more clarity became a meaningful communication. The unconscious is a feeling thing, which often has never put its important feelings into ‘words’ and so often has to stumble about to achieve that.

Example: I moaned and grizzled for a while, but did not seem to hit the strength of the emotions I felt must be there. Gradually my body curled up in the foetal position, and my left thumb went into my mouth. Now the crying really began to develop and the intense emotions of being lost, alone, utterly dejected. I sucked my thumb and wept, jumbled sounds pouring out in the crying. Then the sounds developed into words, and I cried out again and again for my mother - “Mummy - mummy - mummy. I want my mummy.” It went on and on and became even more intense. It was as if a door opened, and I knew not only my own misery, but also the misery, hurt, rejection and loneliness of children all over the world.

Tony
« Last Edit: March 12, 2018, 09:14:44 AM by Tony Crisp »

Monica

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Re: strangling a voice
« Reply #2 on: March 12, 2018, 04:23:40 AM »
Tony - Yeah, as always, it's so very true! & yes, I think it's maybe about that language beyond recognition we all have some discernment in the spirit, but we actually don't know how to bring effectively to conscious life. I totally agree with your remark "The unconscious is a feeling thing, which often has never out its important feelings into ‘words’ and so often has to stumble about to achieve that."

More than "seeing", I do really believe it has to do with something I need to "listen" to. Your example is a strong one, that you've pointed out before when I talked about a performing experience working on with dreams... and there I feel a clear connection again with the point "the voice" is maybe trying to make, because following your suggestions back then, this time I tried to reenact not just a dream, but a real life experience that was particularly painful to remember. Maybe I should put this more in context explaining the thing with the "voice" and the ongoing process that ended up being like this.

I don't remember why, but the night of January 29th I had the urgence to explore a memory as I've tried out with dreams following what I've been reading in many of your posts, along with my performing experiences. I just went to bed and began remembering the place where an important event of my personal life took place. It happened in the front wall of the building I spent most of the time at university. It was a sort of "rendezvous" someone I had began a relationship with and me agreed to have in an almost ceremonial way; it was planned as if a performance, and was sealing the beginning of a couple relationship; I won't explain -it gets really complicated- all the stuff concerning to how it worked, the thing is that moment had the meaning of a ritual to me. Also, it went beyond my expectations at the moment; I was trying to see it as a playful, maybe even fanciful thing (because at some point I was panicking and I didn't want to ruin the fairy tale I had worked so much to create), but everything apparently occurred so naturally, it flowed so fine and well, that I thought I had found more than a relationship, I felt a connection of alike souls; I ended up thinking we both talked the same "language" and naively felt the happiest person on earth.

Our "scripted" plan was I would wait there, as I used to so oftenly at that wall, sitting and with my eyes closed. He would come -as if he was appearing there by accident- and approach me, and kiss me as some sort of enchanted princess. We had gotten so used to plan weird things because we had plenty of time on vacation, and at that time we were so far from each other, that we could just write a lot, all of our thoughts and feelings. That was the reason it seemed to me that I knew him deeply, and that I could feel the confidence to make that kind of plans. It wasn't really hard for me to believe he felt and wanted the same. The "performance" went really well, we both were utterly happy that day, as if we'd found the part of each other that was "missing". But reality became very distant from the dream we had in mind, as a very unexpected result of the affair I got awfully sick and he began to act in a way I don't need to judge at this point in time, but hurt me profoundly. Things only went worse as I tried to understand and keep up with him and well, it reached its termination as a nightmare.

To go back to the particular exercise of remembering that day and its relationship with healing, I carefully acted my coming back to that wall, sitting there and waiting for him. (Maybe I'd like to try being him someday, but I don't have a clue how to do it, it sounds difficult for me right now). It wasn't long until I entered a very conscious and deep state where, as you remarked in your answer, there was a clarity beyond the limits of speech and space, even time (I was really there, as if I could bring back the whole moment, not just imagining it). The environment turned cool and there was an accute awareness that tickled all my senses... I felt him approaching, very similarly to that day, but I could "see", "hear", "feel" beyond my closed eyes -as in dream mode-. I wasn't even remembering, I was there, and I'd dare to say in some sort of way he was, also. I feel the monochrome of the surroundings and his clothing, I feel invaded by those. His presence and nearness is not "welcomed" for real, but I let him get near to the point it's almost the kiss again... Then I open my eyes, knowing it would end any possibility for the kiss. And what I see then is not him, but the sort of distortion produced by static, I don't know how to describe but something like an interference of some sort, as if an image can't be fully loaded in a computer, something like that visually. As soon as I get to that point I don't see him anymore, but that dissolving image, and I feel the pulsating need to scream... I begin to scream and scream first holding my breath, gnashing my teeth, but as much as I allow the perceptive space go wider I scream "louder, and louder" (It's totally audible in that same space I feel completely real)... Even though I'm not doing it "physically", I know my soul is yelling the most piercing howls I've ever heard in life, and I feel they dissolve the fragments still present of his image. I keep doing it for several minutes, allowing that screaming to get where it may.

It was a so strong experience that I felt the actual pressure in my chest, all the consuming effort, and finally some tears down my closed eyes. Then I realized it was the scream, not the kiss, what I needed to convey. It was liberating, because I had finally understood I didn't even want to express words, plain emotions, but something that was so powerful, so ancient, as that thing that I think remains "between our head and our heart". I can identify at some point with the realization you describe in your example. To feel helpless as a child, scared but ¿what for?... Is it the uttering of our lonely self, crying for a reuniting?

The antecedent was "the calling". And also, of course, it deals with all those little deaths life's built upon, I guess...

Tony Crisp

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Re: strangling a voice
« Reply #3 on: March 12, 2018, 09:15:35 AM »
AMEN - amen.