Update:
This time i dreamt something pretty weird but spicy. I met this girl (i cant remember the place) but she looked soo much like my ex girlfriend and she was even older than me with about 5 years (im 23). Some kind of chemistry happened between us in an instant (at that moment i realized i was already in a relationship whit my actual gf) but i didnt care,i took a bit of courage and talked to her. In very short time we started hangig around on a daily basis and i kept repeating myself how much she looks like my ex (but she was even more beautiful and kindherthed and sensible and i felt at ease around her and that she is the perfect fit for what i need now). At some point,after several dates,she asked if i wanna go at her place and "habe fun" and my hearth started racing and we both laughed our way to her home and felt in love. She kept telling me stories about her room mate and how funny and crazy she is and when i got there,she was actually my ex. She looked very surprised and thrillled and happy for her friend cus i was the one she heard about but at the same time i had a rude attitude and i've upset my lover. I went to her to apologise and we only kissed that night but all those kisses were full of passion,love,honesty,hearthfullness.
Thats when things suddsnly changed în my dream,she told me ( you know,only my face looks like her but from the neck down im very different,i might be a demon) and she blinked an eye at me and smiled and i saw a beautiful,indigo demonic face (she would always wear a tracksuit and i always felt like she was hiding something). At that moment dream took me to a dark place and i woke up for 5 minutes. I felt like,in dream,she's still there,hiding from me because in an instant she was afraid i wouldnt accept her like that and she sent me back to the material world. I forcibly went back to sleep and started to look for her in all places we've been together. At last,i found her again,surrounded by lots of ppl,in her old tracksuit. She was hiding from me. I made my way through those ppl,grabbed her hand,pulled her to me and kissed her with the same passion. She was crying tears of joy and thats when i woke up for real.
I did a bit of introspection about these dreams i had 2 night in a row,whit 2 different people i had a very potent chance to fully be with. And i look at my actual relationship and i realize i miss what i had whit each of those girls. My ex was indeeed funny, passional, sexy, rude, lascivious but she had attitude issues and demoralized me to the point i broke up with her. Now that i look back,i was just immature and pretentious and i feel bad for loosing her. The second girl had almost the same traits but she was a balanced person (she was exactely what i needed) but the context made it so that we got into a huge fight and we split up. Thinking of all there was and what i have now i realise my actual gf is EXACTELY the opposite of me and of my last 2 lovers.
Im not satisfied with my actual relationship (its already been 2 years) but we gave it another chance this summer,blaming it on the hard times we both had separately (we study in different towns and we barely see eachother or barely talk but we keep telling ourselves this is love). What is love anyway? I can translate it through everything i am. But what i wanna find in love is sacrifice,commitment,being prezent,being yourself (true to yourself,you feelings and other ppl),honesty and whats more important: passion and true feelings. My actual lover had toooo few moments when she was the way i felt her to usually be.
And i know several times in the last 2 years i wanted to break up with her but something inside me didnt let me do it,and im not talking about fear of being alone. It was depression...and now that im undergoing treatment and i feel myself again,i realized i should have broken up with her long ago and that all the love that i need has always come from whitin myself. People feel this love and get attracted to me. And i get attracted to the same people.
Im just thinking....maybe these dreams are my subconscious telling me i should break up with her? And look again for those things that make me happy,those things i can find in only few people. Those things that define me and recharge my batteries.
I could talk for hours about these things and give more details about my actual and ex relationships and i can easely come with a response to every missing part of me and a resolve for them but i simply dont know what to believe in my sotuation.