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Author Topic: Integration  (Read 85 times)

Omega

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Integration
« on: March 07, 2019, 02:05:45 PM »
I am walking on the street, someone is on my left, talking, he leans against me, then leans his arm and hand against mine, then tries to grab my hand, smiling.. He is trying to make out we are a couple. We are not. I look up and see it's an ex-boyfriend.  I push his hand away and say  No! No! Stop it! Leave me alone! But he acts like I've said nothing. (A highly manipulative person, with a finely developed sneaky style of control..always joking, smiling..but absolute in getting what he wanted, over-riding all refusals with calm persistence. A stalker and quite a dangerous narcisstic person.)

Now we are in a wine shop, he must have brought me in as I say 'but I don't want to buy anything' a seriously evil looking woman with black hair and a white face glares at me, the shops and her fashion and hair is in a very old fashioned style, 1800s. I don't feel afraid, though I can feel every ounce of her evilness. I'm not sure if I've gotten rid of the guy yet. I turn to leave and I catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror on my way out and I do a double take -  I look really beautiful, natural, it's definitely me but younger, glowing with beauty and health and pure goodness. I gasp and am really happy, I feel love for myself. I look back at the shop and her assistant a younger woman maybe a daughter, also black haired, is sweeping the rug/carpet as if I was dirty and had brought dirt into their shop. I think to myself, they are doing that for effect, because they can't get at me any other way and ha! to them cause I don't care anyway!

Being the thing with the evil woman,  brings me to a hate energy  She says I hate beauty, I hate love, I hate anyone else getting anything they want. I want to be the boss of everything. It brings back to key childhood relationships and that woman is my mother; her jealousy, hate and control, but also it's every relationship where the other person used my youth or innocence to exert negative control over me. To humiliate or inflict pain on me, so they could feel powerful.

I think that an important part of the path of integrating what is ours, we must also figure our what is not ours..
Which end of the energy dynamic is active in us..
Doing being the thing with the evil woman, it's a very very dark energy and she just wants me dead.

So if we are to say she is my energy then she is the ultimate self-hate. But I was not born with that self hate.
So I will take ownership of it in the sense of an invading energy. I feel the dream is showing me the truth of that young girl who wished harm on no one and had a very loving nature but was surrounded by powerful opposing forces.


« Last Edit: March 07, 2019, 02:21:55 PM by Omega »

Tony Crisp

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Re: Integration
« Reply #1 on: March 12, 2019, 11:05:35 AM »
Omega – It took me an age to sort out a way to answer your post. But here goes.

“I look really beautiful, natural, it's definitely me but younger, glowing with beauty and health and pure goodness.” Wonderful, but I wonder about two things, firstly we are always of dual nature, and ‘pure goodness’ might not be the whole picture – but it’s a good start.

The second thing, is the beauty you found is it in any way an adult feature? By adult I mean could your pure beauty be put down by people’s criticism or hurtful remarks such as, “You smell like a cats droppings!”

If so then you are still vulnerable to the ‘invading energy’.

Examples – The only way I can describe what happened is to say that I was lucid and wandering around a big and dark building. I realised this meant I was exploring the dungeons of myself. I didn’t know where I was going, but was led into a dark cellar, and there, curled up, was a little boy. I was deeply shocked, because I realised this child had been locked in here alone for years. I tried to get near but he shouted to me, ‘I don’t want anybody near me. I’m dangerous. Keep away.’ Being awake to what is happening, I realise this is myself, and hurt as a young boy, and trapped in the misery I felt then. I know too that his being ‘dangerous’ is a defence against being hurt again. So I say to him, ‘How old are you, little dangerous being?’ He says, ‘I’m three. I’m only little. But I’m dangerous. I will KILL YOU if you get near me. I’ll bite you or something.’
 
There followed a back and forth communication too long to report. But gradually I gained the child’s trust and the boy came into my arms. In this way I recovered a precious part of myself and became more whole. So this sort of healing, with oneself or someone else, has to do with the gradual development of a caring and trusting relationship through which real change can be effected.

I give that example because it is not about denying anything, because such denial would be a denial of a hurt part of yourself. That small me had been trapped in his misery and vengefulness for about 35 years of my life. Also it shows an adult relationship with awful parts of ones life. Buy the adult understanding of the child and the ease of facing its rejections didn’t come easy. At first you have to deal with the fears and misunderstanding of what dreams are and how to meet their extremes.

Here is another example - I touched the strange creature to stroke. This was okay and I was thinking there was no problem when the creature leapt at my throat in a flash of movement and ripped my throat out. That sounds disturbing but I simply observed this and thought to myself that stroking and trying to be friendly was no way of dealing with this thing. It was as if I was in command of the imagery in that I simply formed another body. The creature ripped out my throat again and dived into my body to eat it.

As I say, first meet the fears, and then understand how we create our dreams. If you realise there is nothing to fear and that you are dealing with a self created virtual reality, you can move to change the situation. The creature was my own hatful and violent feelings about my mother – that were eating me away inside.

On exploring the dream however - It started with primitive sounds along with a feeling that something organic and alive yet buried was moving and trying to be recognised. It was a strange feeling because I sensed that this thing had deep connections, and as it began to move in me I felt it was linked with strands in my body and mind.

To sum it all up it was saying and feeling and recognising how my mother had raised me in such a way that I reacted to it by becoming alone, a loner who struggled to be independent. That wasn’t news to me, but there was hatred pouring out of me particularly towards women partners. But it was deeply buried, and a form or long term anger and hatred. I said that I had never really given myself to any woman, but always remained separate inside. Then I would leave them as a vengeance instead of staying to sort out the difficulty. Of course there was always a valid excuse for doing it.

Gradually the outburst ended and I sought to see if I could ask that part of me to learn to love women more fully. But I feel as if the thing that I released was a part of me, not a dominating part of me, but something that has been causing mischief in me and now it had been integrated into learning to love not hate.

Tony

Omega

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Re: Integration
« Reply #2 on: March 12, 2019, 12:06:37 PM »
Thankyou Tony.
I think our dreams are similar. A locked away part of ourselves.
In my case it was unwelcome, even dangerous, to be beautiful or self loving, so that had to be split off from in a similar way to anger. Untrue allegations of smelling was one way that was used, very effective to shame a little girl.  I'm showing the little girl I'm now stronger than the surrounding hate, so for the first time it's safe to let herself be seen. I've avoided many relationships, due to feeling ugly, it makes no difference that it's clearly not true in the physical sense, it comes from childhood experiences, where believing that story, somehow was necessary to survive. I certainly don't see the image as all of me, just a repressed part.  For years I've witnessed my anger, fear etc, so it's a really significant to witness beauty for a change.
« Last Edit: March 12, 2019, 12:39:40 PM by Omega »