Telling B to stop

[Rain_Dancer]

Last nights' dream featured a recurring dream character I call "B", who basically is an arrogant jerk.  Physically we are opposite, he's a tall, athletic, lean, black macho guy.  I'm a short, sort of frumpy round white woman.

A few weeks ago I dreamed Chuck Norris tied him to a chair and set him on fire (lol), which really ticked him off and I knew he'd be back.

More recently I dreamed an epic 'review' dream, where in a classroom setting I judged him as being "unavailable", then later sought him out to apologize for saying that and was approval-seeking, I couldn't face him and felt anxiety being close to him.

So this was last night's dream:

I am facing and interacting with “B”.  He is groping me, grabbing me and forcing a tongue kiss on me.  I push back and firmly tell him no.  He grabs my right forearm hard enough to leave a red welt.  I say, “If you don’t stop, I am going to tell somebody and you are going to lose your job.” (apparently we are co-workers in the dream)
I break free of him and walk away, into another area that is like a large garage.

I’m fuzzy on the sequence at this point –

I sit on a dock next to Ed (someone I work with in waking life) and tell him what I told B.
“You told him that?” he says incredulously, and shakes his head as though he can’t believe my boldness.

That was either before or after this scene:

I am in the garage area, turn around and see B behind me.  I’m facing him, keeping a distance, and exchanging words with him that I don’t remember.

B begins to retch…yet somehow instead of HIM vomiting, there is a container or box or metal stand between us, about chest height,  that is spewing vomit.  So, as B is retching, it’s as if he is somehow vomiting through the container.  Buckets of vomit spill out over the floor.    I am watching this in wonder, how is this happening?  And thinking, of course he’s going to leave for me to clean it up.  I don’t want to clean it up, and I’m thinking maybe Ed will help me.


I'm noticing that I feel a lot of resistance to dialogue with this DC.  I feel like because of his arrogance and insensitivity, there's really no getting through to him until he breaks down.  I'm also noticing I don't want to sit as his part...at least in part because I imagine he hates me and feels contempt and disgust and hatred for me and wants to hurt me and kill me.

Hmmm....

[Tony Crisp]

Rain_Dancer – Wow – a hard one.

He seems like a hard nut to crack – but in a way you are talking about yourself, so sitting as him might give a very different take on him – behind his mask so to speak.

Obviously I am guessing on the next part, but it sounds as if you are giving yourself a hard time. I have usually found the hard shell is there for protection because they are vulnerable. Maybe you are being a bit hard – “getting through to him until he breaks down” – and so the harder you push the harder his protective shell gets. It’s worth a try. And it is a part of you being dealt with.

Years ago I ran groups called Contact. The aim was to sit in front of a person and give honest and simple feedback. In other words you said whatever you felt about the person at that moment. Also they or you say whatever you felt as well. So you could say, “I really do not like being with you.” And it shouldn’t develop into a conversation where the other person says, “Well, the feeling is mutual.” Honest communication. I found that each person usually goes through a difficult phase and then finds real contact and communication.

Tony

[Rain_Dancer]

I have experienced SO much resistance to being this character, I don't think I can do it by myself.  I know this aspect.. and it is difficult.  It's the aspect that I would "flip" into expressing when I was involved in an abusive relationship.  As I ponder on it, it seems to me to mirror my alcoholic father and unstable mother.

My father would be very very kind...have a few drinks, and then suddenly rage.  I was generally the target.  My mother would do her version, put on the kindest, most generous face for the world and reserve her rage and blame and hate for me, and they both would deny it and say I provoked it and nobody would believe me (and now I see the connection to firmly stating I *will* tell what is going on and there *will* be consequences - which was a theme in another recent dream, only it was a pasty white man who was urinating on me, and I told him I would tell people what he was doing - which I did so, then told him firmly, "I want you to leave." - it was so direct and powerful, it didn't feel childish or whiny, simply stating the truth).

I'll sit in presence with this aspect later tonight.

[Tony Crisp]

Rain_Dancer - That is an excellent idea. You can hold it out to the Presence.

I am holding your situation out to that wonderful healing Presence too.

Tony

[Rain_Dancer]

I want to post these recent dreams, to show the progression...


11/08 T was abusive to me behind closed doors

I was in a little shop, with AG.  She is saying something to me about T.  
I lean forward close to her face, look her in the eyes, and explain to her that even though T had good standing in the community and EVERYONE thought he was so amazing, "T was abusive to me behind closed doors."

With Ali or maybe someone else in the shop, I decide it’s time to get up and shake out a blanket I was wrapped in to fold it.

and

11/09 De-possession

I was observing 2 men, who were perhaps coworkers.  They move and go to sit at a table, which is a small round table and maybe we are at a café.  I seem to be close to and to the left of one man, I cannot see him clearly.  

The other man sits facing him (and me) and I can see him more clearly.  He is a very attractive young man, nearly model good-looking.  The man to my right is older, and also attractive.  He is doing or saying something intended to intimidate the younger man.  

The younger man stands firm, he will not back down - suddenly what looks  like a demon erupts from his body and merges into the other man – I don’t understand the dynamic of what happened, maybe the demon was or belonged to the older man to begin with?  

Whatever it morphed into, was now facing me.  What I saw was a big, round head, it was covered in big red…I don’t know, something like very large varicose veins.  His eyes are bright and piercing blue.  This image is VERY clear, very 3D, and I muse to myself that if I thought I was dreaming I might be frightened, and that it was a good thing I didn’t know.

Now I’m sitting at the table in front of the young man, and his face is terribly deformed.  I’m trying to understand what is going on with it, it’s a surreal image…something below his left eye seems to be missing, and his eyes are strange.  I move away and his face deforms even more, elongating and his chin narrowing.  He looks like a burn victim.  He is explaining something to me that I don’t quite remember, the general gist of it is that there was a time he was willing to pay any price to hide his face and his scars…I understand that the demon is what gave him his attractive appearance and was a sort of “sold his soul” transaction, and the price had become too high to continue to pay.

Tony, if you'd like to comment, feel free, although these dreams are pretty self-explanatory to me.  I'm putting them out there because I think it's a good example and can possibly serve as inspiration for how much change can occur in a very little time.

The external changes seem superficially small, yet internally feel...wide, big, expansive.  Colors are brighter, I dance and sing spontaneously...a coworker and I have had a very very strong mutual attraction - initially our exchanges seemed to me like immature expressions of dealing with the sexual energy, he would tease me like a 2nd-grader pulling a girl's pigtails and I would mock threaten to kick him in the kneecaps, lol.  

In the past several days, something changed...I felt utterly relaxed and open with him, and we have been very affectionate with each other (it's acceptable in my work environment)...yet there is an affinity, the attraction no longer feels urgent or painful, and I no longer want to possess him or feel like I have to fight the pull of the attraction.  My coworkers are more friendly and open, and seem more real to me, and I feel affection for them rather than distance or anxiety.  

It seems so personal and yet...not.  It isn't me, it is Being being 'me'...it is SO sweet!

Addendum - oh, silly me!  I get it!  This is what it feels like to BE in love!   The real stuff, not the crazy-rush-high-on-adrenalin or i've-just-found-my-soulmate-who's-really-my-WoundMate stuff...and minus the agonizing anxiety, fear, lust, pain, shame, rage and obsession that all came up the last time I felt this way.  Thank you thank you thank you you have helped me SO much this past year!!!!! Soo much gratitude and appreciation!!!  If I could kiss and hug you right now I would!!!

[Rain_Dancer]

More!!

What I'm noticing is the shift from feeling attacked by or in danger of men, to sweetness, authenticity, a feeling of protection and getting a hand-up from men...

11/13/2011

I became aware in my dream, perhaps not lucid, certainly aware I was dreaming.  All I could see was blackness, darkness.  I wondered for a moment what was happening, and remembered from reading others’ experiences to simply wait and allow the dream to unfold.  As I observed, an intricate pattern of light appeared on a floor.  I am not sure of the light source – only that my impressions were of orange and gold triangles, and thinking the pattern was very similar to the Sri Yantra only more complex.  I say to myself, "I want to meet my dream guide."

The next thing I remember is rising up, to my right.  I am simply rising, without willing it or trying to or feeling pulled.  I get caught against something on my left lower back, it is slightly painful and I reach for it and pull it along with me.  It is something that looks like a maglite flashlight, and I know I can use this as a tool.  It was gold at first, then black.  I turned it on as I was rising, and a red laser light beamed from it.  I turned it off, not wanting to damage anything with it.  In the dream I was noticing the metaphor of taking something that had hurt me and using it as a tool.

As I rose even higher, I had to cast off the flashlight and some other small things I had picked up along the way that were now weighing me down and getting in my way.
Interlude:  I’m not sure when this happened, it seemed like it was during the rising part – as I am rising, a man swoops over to me, grabs me and takes me higher.  It feels good, cuddly, affectionate, I like it.  Now he is lying on top of me, we are sort of merged, it feels like a sweet and loving embrace.   I can’t really see his face, something is going on with my vision.

I’m noticing water dripping into my eyes from above.  I think the man is crying, and I touch his forehead gently and ask him if he is ok.  Now I can see his face, and he says he’s sweating.  Beads of sweat roll from his forehead onto my face.  They are crystal clear, big, fat sparkling drops of liquid that remind me of quartz or diamonds because of the way they are refracting light so beautifully. 

He gets off of me, backs away and apologizes while zipping his pants up, smiling and saying, “I think I might be gay.”

“It’s okay,” I say, “You aren’t the first guy I’ve been with who thought that.”
   
Back to rising…I’m higher and higher, and eventually reach a scaffold where I’m noticing resistance.  I imagine perhaps zooming through it, and wonder if I can make it to the scaffold.  A man is standing there and gives me a hand up.  Isaid something to him about wanting to go higher but needing to stay there for a minute to get my bearings and gather the strength I need.

[Tony Crisp]

Thank you for sharing so much, and welcome home.

It is good to meet you in this new place.

Tony