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Author Topic: Hate  (Read 3122 times)

Rain_Dancer

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Hate
« on: November 22, 2011, 03:54:12 PM »
As I ran berated and raged against my "ex" in my mind for the hundred millionth time, I became more intensely curious than usual about this experience.

Clearly, he is not the problem.  He lives 2500 miles away, and I don't speak with him anymore.  Yet, here an image is of him, in my mind, once again, and I'm running through the scenarios again and again of "you did/didn't _______"  blah blah blah and in my mind I end up beating him up with a baseball bat and kicking him.  Recently I spontaneously playacted being a tiger, and I imagined tearing him apart and eating him up.

In inquiring, I began to wonder, what IS hate, really?  What is the payoff?  What do I get out of it?  What is it doing for me?  I don't WANT to forgive him, I want to HURT him.  I want to make him SEE what he did, make him see what I see, see it MY way.

I couldn't even really find anything illuminating on the internet about hatred, it's purpose, what it actually "is".
So far, I have theorized that I don't want to forgive, because I believe I must before I can move on to a new relationship and it's a way to keep me from putting myself out there again for my heart to be broken.

Another theory is, it serves to counteract a feeling of powerlessness by inducing a boost of feeling powerful.  It's my experience that feeling helpless and powerless is nearly intolerable, and the mind is SO quick to conjure a defense!

I have a lot of time on my hands today to go deeper into inquiry...any thoughts?

Tony Crisp

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Re: Hate
« Reply #1 on: November 23, 2011, 12:57:51 PM »
Hi Rain_Dancer - I have been consumed by hate twice in my life. Once was a long period when I felt livid hate for my second wife's children - and I think it was mutual. It gradually went as I sorted out my relationship with them - not in a I am a nice guy way, but in a straight talking way. The elder one left and didn't communicate with me for years, but when we met again she came and hugged me and said sorry.

The other time was with my mother. This was a real struggle because I saw that all the negative feelings were now projected onto my wife. Something I learned is that any left overs in regard to ones  parents stay in you, and then are worked out on the next person you 'love'. So I was going through a terrible six weeks of reliving the feelings of my three year old self being, as I felt, deserted by my mother and put in an orphanage. It felt as if I had lost any sense of time and felt I was there for eternity. during it I couldn't sleep and had to put a chart on the wall to show that time was passing and I would eventually get to the end of it.

So I went in deep and saw that if I didn't forgive my mother then it would be the end of my marriage because all the anger was focused on her. And forgiving wasn't easy, but I saw that I had to do it for my own sake otherwise I would be forever at the mercy of my own hurt emotions. When I did eventually manage to forgive, and so stopping bursting into tears in every shop I went into, I realised that I had also forgiven myself. I could see so clearly that all the judgments I had put on my mother I had put on me as well - a wonderful release.

So I would certainly wonder who it is you are hating, whether you are now using your ex instead of getting to the base camp so to speak - and who it is you need to forgive. Not forget though, never forget.

Tony

Rain_Dancer

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Re: Hate
« Reply #2 on: November 23, 2011, 08:02:45 PM »
>>>So I would certainly wonder who it is you are hating, whether you are now using your ex instead of getting to the base camp so to speak - and who it is you need to forgive. Not forget though, never forget<<<

This resonates, I did wonder this myself and believe it is a mix. 

My ex was psychologically abusive - I admit I tend to think he was more abusive and damaging because he would twist things around to make it seem like it was always my fault and my shortcomings, and I was too happy to agree.  Yet now as I type this I think of my mother telling me that my behavior forced my father to drink and to beat me, and my father did the same, somehow manipulating me to say I provoked and caused all of the abuse when Child Protective Services investigated.

There is more but that's enough for right now, I'm feeling emotional and I'm at work so...!  No need to stir this up now and tonight I will reflect more.

Thank you.