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Author Topic: Dream Shows 2 Life Options  (Read 2586 times)

horizen

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Dream Shows 2 Life Options
« on: March 12, 2012, 05:40:33 AM »
I dreamt I was some kind of performer, singer, entertainer.  Some kind of child performer who'd known no other life.  My life was a life lived onstage, to put on a show for the public. It was all about image.  For others.  I lived with my family. I performed onstage for the public, putting on shows.  That was the totality of my life.  A boxed in life, lived for others.  For my family (who weren't good for me, and our connection was fake at best).  And for the public at large (who I also didn't have a true connection with, obviously).   It was all I knew.  My only way to make a living.  To live.  I was getting ready to put on another show, another performance.  Much of my life was devoted to preparing for each performance and today was no exception.  I had to prepare my appearance, my voice, my energy.  All outward directed to perfection (for others, it was a performance for them, and not my true self).  But today, it was a problem for me.  I could no longer muster up the energy to fullfill it.  Not properly, anyway.  I could half-ass it, but I knew I couldn't cut it.  On all levels, I was not up to the task.  I was tired, exhausted.  Trying to force myself to carry another performance through.  I felt like an imposter.  Whatever talent I had for this had faded and I knew it.  I didn't want to do it.  Yet, I felt I had nothing else to do.  It was this or wither into passivity.  Or so I thought.  Suddenly I'm presented with an alternate option.  A voice tells me (I simultaneously receive this message as written word) that I have two choices:  this fake life with my family (and public performing) OR to run off with a childhood friend.  In the dream they called him "Cilas."  No idea why or what that name means but I heard it and then I saw it flash in front of me on the phone.  I could choose Cilas, but it would mean running away from my current life, cutting all ties, and starting over completely anew.  No more family.  No more money. No more stability.  Actually, homelessness seemed likely.  No career, no home, nothing.  But Cilas.  Initially, I refused.  I walked away from the running away with Cilas option.   But a moment later I had a change of heart.  But now I didnt' know how to reach Cilas.  A different childhood friend helped me look him up.  We did a trace on his call (Cilas had called me earlier).  Apparently Cilas had called us from someone else's phone.  A "Ryan Trachan."  So we tracked this Ryan down, and finally got in touch with Cilas. 
Next thing I know, the scene is now a life with me and Cilas.  It's like we are circus people.  We perform high up in the air, just the two of us.  Twirling around artfully.  No audience.  I guess we were practicing.  The police show up and demand us to get down.  We were very high up and I suppose they thought it was dangerous.  But once on the ground he and I gather around a fire.  There are several other people around us.  We both perform for them.  Or for ourselves I shoudl say.  Singing, painting, it seemed we were doing almost magical stuff with our surroundings...and people gathered to watch.  For a moment I pause and simply watch "Cilas" performing.  He was doing something artistic, I don't know if it was dancing or what, but I sat there and took it in and thought to myself "Wow..what he/we are doing is so beautiful and meaningful.  There's so much talent expressed and its expressed joyfully.  And we're not famous or doing it for other people or rich (like I apparently was before I ran off with him).  We're basically homeless vagabonds, circus like traveling people.  No wide spread recognition. No home. Yet, I'm aware that what we're doing with our time and art is so much more beautiful and rich and rewarding on a real personal level.  I thought of my old life as a famous singer, all the recognition, the money, the safety...yet I was also surrounded by fakery, fake family, fake relationships, my whole life was devoted to putting on a show for the public.  Now here I was without fame, home, family, money, ...and we were so much more talented than my old self prior.  So much more richly rewarding was life here with Cilas.  And we performed out of a genuine joy, not because it was a job, not to please others.  But to please ourselves.  And people were starting to trickle in and enjoy the art we were displaying.  Small scale audience, but big time joy on a personal level.

I awoke after having this thought.  This dream parallels my real life in that I have a choice to make.  End my whole way of life by leaving my family behind for good (and it is a fake family, we fake normalcy,fake relationships with each other for the public, my whole family pretends our parents are loving normal parents when they are in fact abusive).  Due to the family dynamic, if I leave, it will be for good.  I often feel like I'd need to be in the witness protection program if I chose to leave!  I fear homelessness, etc, so the feelings in my dream are true to life. 

The dream's message seemed to indicate that leaving would ultimately result in my happinesss.  And that happiness resides not in what other people think or want from me, but in what brings me joy on a personal, instrinsic level.

Tony Crisp

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Re: Dream Shows 2 Life Options
« Reply #1 on: March 18, 2012, 01:51:47 PM »
Horizen – I think your dream is a way toward independence, but independence can be difficult to face, as you rightly say. But if you do not choose that path you will be forever stuck in a sort of childhood dependence and on with a false life.

I see it as a choice we are all faced with, and many do not make/take it. I believe it is also a choice of being truly what your potential is; to become truly mature and flower. It can be a lonely road, but our fears are not usually a prediction of the future, and becoming yourself is usually rewarded.

I feel that if you choose the direction of independence a new life will fairly soon form around you. It usually happens, with a few hesitations.

Tony