After praying for God's help to heal and overcome trauma's which have broken me and kept me stuck, I recieved this dream:
I'm in a place I haven't been in a long, long time. It's my childhood bedroom. I see my young hand. Suddenly it is pierced by a long sharp needle-like silver object. It goes all the way through my finger. A sharp, deep, intense pain. Initially, I'd thought it was just a needle, and would only pierce the top layers of my skin but it went all the way through and out the other side of my finger. I didn't intitally realize a needle could be used in such a dangerous, harmful way. I removed it. However, this is when I realize just how deep the stab was. Once I removed it I saw that my finger was completely sliced through so that it had cut off the top portion of my finger. Completely unattached. Totally severed. I tried to place it back on, joining it back to my finger, but it was a superficial "keeping it together." It was for appearances only so it could look like I had a whole finger and a "normal" hand. The truth was they were no longer attached. The truth was I had half a finger. I was amputated. A clear severing, not even dangling by a thread. No fibers were attached. Part of my hand was completely cut off from itself. Yet I put the top of my finger back onto the rest of the finger from which it had been severed and willed, prayed for it to gel and reattached somehow. But it just wasn't working. Not even on a minute cellular level. No physical healing. No magical healing. The parts of my hand were not reuniting. I asked God, or whatever higher presense was there with me "What can be done to get this healed? I can't just leave it like this. Tell me what to do, who to go to for help. There must be a specialist, a surgeon with the skills to heal this?"
I can't be expected to continue to go through the rest of my life carrying around a raw peice of meat and passing it off as my finger. Or worse, walking around with no finger, just a bloody stub. I've been at this for years, surely something can be done, if not medicine, then prayer, help from above if no help is to be found on earth. The answer I received was an unsatisfying and unconvincing "Maybe with time it will heal."
Although I am dreaming I know this dream is an answer to my prayer, an answer to my call for help in healing damage from years of abuse and conditioning, a sort of brainwashing. It was very unsatisfying to hear "maybe" it will heal with time. When I'd already been languishing unhealed for years. I was very clear in my prayer. If there was something I could do to move on from it, if there was anything that could be done on this earth, and if not then an appeal to spiritual help. The answer was there was nothing I could do, nor any other person, nor even God. Just wait some more, and MAYBE time will heal it. Since this voice was from higher source, it was disheartening. I took it to mean I am meant to go through life damaged. Like it's my life contract to simply live with crippling damage.
The dream so accurately reflected back to me my real life situation: being damaged, then separated from myself spirutally, personality-wise, no longer whole; and my masking this damage (placing the severed half of my finger back onto it's other half, tying it together, gluing it together...all superficial, for appearances only. Once I stopped holding them together they fell apart). In life, I hide my damage. If all the preceeding aspects of the dream were true to form, then why not the words from above? In other words, there's nothing that can be done about the damage. There's iffy chance I'll ever be whole again, but maybe with time, maybe there's a chance it will heal with time. I've had plenty of time. Time seems so passive, so ...out of my hands. So disempowering. Yet I asked for the answer to my question and I received it.