Madzwezwog – I feel there are lots of things in what you have written. In the first place most of us have been raised in a culture that has pushed into us with advertising and the media a strange view of love, one not based on who we are, but on a fairy tale of ‘love’. This usually means that one will fall in love with a perfect human, who is everything to us and fulfils us totally. Marriage is the real world isn’t like that. None of us are perfect and in our meetings we have to take this into account.
Your dreams of you man cheating are often a sign of insecurity in yourself. There are usually a sign that your parent didn’t themselves know how to love you, and so you feel your man will go with other women.
I am not saying that he doesn’t go with other women, only that insecurity tortures you.
Another issue is that there is an issue of why did you go with this man and why do you stay with him. Some couples stay together because they know but maybe do not admit to themselves that it is difficult to get man, and what are their chances of getting someone, or someone better. And it is worth really thinking about those issues. If he isn’t the man for you and you know you can do better then think about what change would mean.
Sometime, if we are to stay with someone, perhaps we need to learn how to ‘make love’. Not being able to rely on our rather disturbed habitual responses that were put into us as we grew; put in by a society that in no way demonstrates real lessons of love and survival; we need to form our own loving relationships out of an awareness of what is fundamental. Having sex as a pastime, as a form of no handed masturbation in which we make no real connection with a partner, is not fundamental. Making fun relationships is not fundamental to the way life works. Most interactions in nature, even to the frequent sexual interactions of Bonobo apes, have individual and social meaning. Such interactions are for bonding and connection. But those are just suggestions, and the best way forward for each of us is to honestly admit what is or is not working. And when something is not working, we need to avoid blaming everyone and everything else. That doesn’t mean completely blaming oneself. That is anti-productive. It means daring to look closely at what assumptions, pains, and feelings of dependency, loneliness or other factors contributed to what did not work – in both partners.
It might be easy to completely blame a partner who simply walks away from a relationship. However, you were the person who chose to connect with that partner. Why? If you don’t understand that you might do it again, or avoid all further relationships. So check any person’s track record.
I know that is a long reply but our model of love has been so screwed that it needed a little explanation. In fact it might help if you read
http://dreamhawk.com/approaches-to-being/growing-up-to-love/Tony
