Hi Tony,
I just took the chance to post and was not really expecting a response so soon.
I hope you are well and enjoying life. Thank you so much for writing back. I am surprised!
I feel I am on hold in my life. I have not had a decent relationship for 16yrs (I am 42). I am super healthy, I work, I love my dog, and I have in practical purpose a good life. I am also aware of my emotional isolation (I am not physically – I have a lot of friends and I cherish strangers – I do not actually believe strangers).
I dated a lot and felt disgusted with it so for a year and half, I completely stopped thinking and doing dating. It is painful decision but the alternative was also just as painful. I struggle with this like some people struggle with weight...it is easy to say lose weight just as easily to say go on a date. I just do not enjoy it and do not want to waste my time or theirs so I avoid men...mainly by body language. Not looking, not showing interest. I am just exhausted. I do get a lot of attention from men and this exasperates my issues...and that adds more to my defense when everybody is curious why I do not find a man…because it is not lack of them, it is lack of my confidence, self esteem and that deep weird feeling what do I have to offer really? I do not have a lot of money (I can take care of me fine)…I have nice body but OK for how long until age and reality take over, I feel I have nothing to offer. I cannot shake this feeling no matter how much I get credit for always laughing and having good time. I know I could love a person, but can I be loved? I have no reference on that in the past…as far and as deep as I went!
I struggle with this. On one hand, I feel independent, taking care of myself, self sufficient. On the other hand, I feel my life has not started yet without having love, experiencing love, and sharing life with a person. Funnily enough, I use the expression; I am at a bus stop in my life! So maybe that is where the bus is coming from. I want to stop the bus stop feeling.
I am tired of waiting but also I am afraid to admit this is it for life - no love ever! It is hard to swallow both decisions ...accepting life as it is being single and never being loved by a partner or just go through the struggle of always dating and having bad energy left by people that I do not connect with.
I got along much better with strangers than with my family. My family judges me harshly as a result I minimize my interaction by consciously or subconsciously but I am acutely aware of this. I do not have negative thoughts about them anymore or I am aware of my thoughts and I stop when they come up.
Though on the outside, I have a very independent streak, on the inside, I admit, I am not as strong as everybody gives me credit for. I am not sure how to show them how vulnerable I am…without it becoming too theatrical…also I rather not lose my ground, cause who will catch me, if I fall? I simply cannot afford losing it…but I am losing it by holding all up too.
I read your site yesterday and realized more or less, the bus situation was exactly how my life is. I feel stuck of accepting life as it is today no love and I am afraid to even hope or pray for love in the future without losing my head and living too much in the far future.
The toilet scene in my dream was literally very real to me. I felt backed up into a corner. I do not know how to release this energy. I have no one intimate to talk to and I do not want to annoy or bother my friends…Besides, they will not understand what I am talking about since they all think I make being single/emotional independence look good. People come to me with their problems because I am very supportive and extremely empathetic, but if I ever say I feel lonely, I get perplexed look! Just because I have a lot of friends and I am extremely good with strangers…I make friends very easy because I connect with people in a very deeply way that we do not forget each other, even a short interaction. I always had that impact on people and I almost always believe everybody has a story and I am very genuinely interested to hear – this is probably my greatest quality. Unfortunately it does not get me an intimate love but gives me a lot company.