I know that it is important not to be so literal when we work with our dreams but sometimes I have a dream where it just seems so close to real-life and the meaning seems so literal that I can't help but think that way.
In my real life I am juggling full-time study with motherhood to realise my career dreams. I feel that I'm steering my life in a very positive direction. It's a time of great change and challenge as I am currently on my practicum and I deal with feelings of not being 'good enough'.
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In my dream, my clinical educator views a recording of me doing therapy in order to give me feedback. She is playing the tape in a room where my fellow students are, and they are half-watching too. The tape keeps rolling once the session has finished and there is footage of my partner, fully naked, shaking his penis in front of the camera. I am seen laughing on the footage. My heart absolutely sinks as I realise that I will be discredited and I see the look on my clinical educators face and I realise how serious the implications of this will be.
I try to talk to her about it but she starts to cry and says "On top of this disgrace, I received your letter yesterday". My heart sinks even further as I realise that I have accidentally sent her my journal entry which reveals my unflattering feelings about her instead of my clinical reflection document.
I feel so disappointed in myself. I feel that I have blown all my chances at succeeding at my practicum and I almost can't bear the shame. I go outside and just lose it, I feel that all is lost and I just lie on the ground crying. My classmates are all around me discussing my fate with my clinical educator. I don't want to talk to anyone.
I can't get the image of my partner's naked body out of my mind and it makes me feel sick with shame. I also keep thinking "what if" I didn't mail the wrong letter.
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OK, the events in the dream are not so literal as I doubt my partner would ever strip off in my workplace and have fun with the CCTV cameras. But, the meaning feels so literal. I feel like it is highlighting that part of myself that is deeply fearful of ruining everything, and not being good enough, and letting people down.
Any thoughts appreciated.