Dear Kate – I will share my feelings – that you are fighting your greatest healer. But let me explain.
Waking consciousness exists as a tiny part of the total being it manifests in. Maybe I am exaggerating, but in its tiny room it has a few buttons it presses and the voluntary muscles move. There are a few screens which, through some of the body senses give a view of a tiny range of the phenomena of the universe. The rest of our being, the remainder of the universe, we give the cover-all name of unconsciousness. It simply means – we are not aware of it. It is a bit like having a web camera stuck in a certain place, and that is all you can see through it – yet there is the whole wide web to explore. But when we start to see beyond our webcam we often get scared.
Many people as their awareness reaches beyond what they feel is their normal self feel scared. Such resistances cause us to create awful dreams and fears as a means of avoiding our own inner world and its wonders. We feel that we will be swallowed up and we will die. It is important to say that when we meet the experience of powerlessness through becoming aware of the hugeness of your Life, which we are usually unaware if, it feels like something alien or attacking them, and it is a shock.
In life and sleep we have two powerful actions working in us. The first is our waking experience based on having a body, its limitations, vulnerabilities and a particular gender. Our second is the power that gave us life and continues to express as spontaneous movement in dreams, in our breathing and heartbeat – our Life. This I have given the description as the Life Will.
While we sleep our conscious self is largely or totally unconscious, and while we sleep and dream our voluntary muscles are paralysed – therefore another will or motivating force moves our body. So we have a Conscious Will, and what I will call a Life Will. The first one we have experience of as we can move our arm or speak in everyday activities; but the second will takes over when we sleep.
This Life will can move us to speak, to move our body, and in fact do things that we cannot do with our Conscious Will, all that while we sleep and dream. For simplicity I have called this experience, of what is actually waking lucid dreaming, see
http://dreamhawk.com/dream-encyclopedia/the-waking-lucid-dream/ The Life Will is usually blocked in its ability to express in waking consciousness its ability to move our body, our voice and all our energy functions, by a part of the brain the pons. It does this to protect us from injuring ourselves while sleeping. But we can, if we overcome our fears, allow it to express while awake. Links to hpw this can happen can be seen in The Waking Lucid Dream.
The Life Will is the self regulating – homeostatic – function that all the time keeps us alive. But because we feel we must always be in control we fight any spontaneous action, and so put ourselves at risk. See
http://dreamhawk.com/approaches-to-being/lifes-little-secrets/ -
http://dreamhawk.com/approaches-to-being/opening-to-life/ You have been experiencing the Life Will, often called the spiritual force trying to move you toward inner growth. See
http://dreamhawk.com/dream-dictionary/growth-of-something/ Tony