People’s Experiences of LifeStream
LifeStream is a way of opening yourself to the healing and teaching power of Life. Below are some peoples verbatim accounts of what they met. See LifeStream; Life’s Little Secrets.
If you have not done this before you need to leave yourself open to whatever arises spontaneously. This is not done by searching but by noticing any idea or memory that presents itself and mentioning it and allowing any accompanying emotions. Amazingly one thing leads to another and you are taken on a journey into the previously hidden depths of yourself.
John, a 54 year old, says of this process:
“The body postures and movements were near miraculous to me because during the previous nine years, two serious accidents and a disease had resulted in five separate spinal fractures. For a period I had been encased from hips to jaw in a metal and leather support harness; for years I had endured great pain, and never in my prayers for help had I really hoped for the return of mobility of movement which was now shown in my childlike SR play movements.
The return of mobility is the only one of the blessings I have enjoyed since beginning self-regulation. For many years I had experienced consistently poor health; a lifetime of asthma, compounded by TB in both lungs, and poor digestion with its attendant consequences had all produced a dismal attenuation of minimal well being with serious illness. In the first four weeks of my SR I felt great draughts of air pouring into my lungs. At the end of eighteen months my chest had expanded by four inches, which I discovered when I bought new underwear. My spine was moving more freely than it had for years; my indigestion, with its accompanying constipation, had disappeared. I am fitter than I have been for the previous forty five years.”
Ann’s experiences are fairly typical.
“After practising the action of LifeStream for nearly 21 years there are considerable physical changes which I am aware of, in myself. They are not dramatic in the sense of “pick up thy bed and walk” but have come about gradually.
I was always a very cold person – I felt shrivelled up with cold, and wore numerous jerseys to keep warm. I ached with cold, and being thin I felt these keenly. Now however I haven’t worn a vest for a year, I am far more often warm than cold, and feel so much more alive because of this -my feet were usually cold, now I always wear sandals and they are warm – as are my hands. I feel so much more energy and joy in living. I feel it flow through me.
I was often sick with diarrhoea for 48 hours – several times during the year – but not since I began SR because I feel that the sickness and diarrhoea was a form of tension release for me, which I no longer need in this form.
My throat was permanently sore and red inside, sometimes it hurt a lot, other times not so much. There seemed to be no cure for it. Now the soreness and redness has gradually disappeared. This also I feel was a great tension area for me because I was afraid to speak my mind. Now if my throat feels sore and tight I am being told that I am withholding my speech. A lot of my painful throat tension was due to being very verbally suppressed as a child.
As I released my feelings in words through sessions, this tension gradually drained away, and I was often led into singing and chanting quite clearly and strongly in sessions. I felt my throat to be much freer and purer sound could come forth. I am not completely free in this area yet, but this will take time. My voice is already lower and more relaxed than it was.
I had a habit of tilting my head on one side when I sat still- many people noticed this, more than I did. This has vanished now, of its own accord. I believe that I always leaned my head to the left because I was so strongly emotionally motivated – that as I began to develop the capacity for receiving insight into my behaviour patterns – that as I grew in confidence – and I was more able to talk and discuss things, that I became more balanced and my head straightened.
I used to keep my shoulders permanently raised, accompanied by breath-holding. This became my natural position especially in times of stress. Gradually over the two years my shoulders have dropped and my breathing is freer. Yet I do not consciously remember this change taking place. Now, when I raise my shoulders and my breath on purpose, I am amazed to realise that I used to live like this most of the time.
In watching myself more closely over the year I notice that I have dropped another habit of keeping my hands clenched. Again I didn’t especially notice that I stopped doing this, but I have. It was another ‘holding on’ tension. “Keeping a grip on myself”. I no longer need to do this, so my hands remain open.
In none of these examples did I set out to ‘try to stop doing them, or deliberately alter my physical pattern. These changes occurred ad I opened more to myself in SR I have always suffered from constipation since childhood. It has been a great inconvenience, and in recent years I resorted to using suppositories to assist elimination. This was coupled with a lot of ‘wind’ and internal discomfort. Now I do not suffer from these troubles. I find that I can digest raw vegetables and fruit skins easily, and because of this I eat and enjoy more useful foods – it is a circle now which has self-regulated, from being a tense viscous circle before to a freer, more open circle. Yet again it happened over two years – which perhaps is not really slowly, when I had been suffering for nearly 30 years as my memory recalls. I was literally ‘tied up’ inside – full of nervous tension and ‘holding back from life’.
My eyes used to water, and feel weak often, especially in times of stress, also a long-standing habit, now they are getting stronger as I am ‘seeing’ myself more clearly.
I considered myself to be a ‘normally functioning person’ two years ago – not a freak. Probably few people would have noticed anything amiss. I had perfected excellent camouflage, and I handled myself well. Now I can look back and – amazed at how strong human beings are. How I could have gone on year after year, imposing such strains on my system. But I did, as many of us do. It was not until I had self regulated for two and a half years that I begun to understand fully what real living is. Not being manipulated by fears and tensions -’not pushing on’ a self in the morning – dropping those many ‘Self’s. The ‘coping self’ – there are so many – and then the let-down when it didn’t always work out – when things went wrong.
None of these tensions are necessary. Now that I live more fully from what I call my intuitive centre, I find that increasingly I self regulate in situations. I instinctively know what is needed and follow this.
Sometimes I find myself ‘off centre’ but I know when this is happening so can watch to see why – this may take a few days or weeks if a big block is coming up.
Best of all is MYSELF which is so wonderful.’”
Some SR experiences are not simply movements to mobilise the body, or sounds to mobilise expressions of feelings and thought. For some there are sessions in which they express in voice, inner feelings and body movements, being a Negro, an Indian, an Oriental, European or Arab. Or else there arises very clear feelings or being a dog, lion, pre-historic man, snake, etc. Sometimes these are definitely linked with a problem such as is seen with Reich’s patient being a fish, but that is not always so.
A thirty five year old man experiences a wonderful dance
The stamping started, but this time quite unlike the other times, in that my hands and arms soon became involved. I began to turn into the right as if feeling or searching for something with my hand. Having turned right around, it then seemed I found the right spot, and my right-hand began to circle wider and wider, eventually pointing straight up – the rest of the body as if pushing something up. Then a dance began. My stamping, or jumping, was part of the dance. It expressed defiance, warrior-ship, vital manhood. Something above I was holding at bay. Gradually it crushed me down and down until I was on the floor, but still with my right arm raised. Then, from the very position of defeat, strength weld up in me and I fought upward, pushing the adversary up. Then with both arms above my head I held the adversary and smashed it down on the floor with great triumph. Then gradually both hands were pushing down, another flow, I fought it down and down, going on to my knees and vanquishing it.
Standing erect again I was danced on, in an even more beautiful episode. This time my right-hand went up, with first and last fingers raised erect. I felt as if I were in a huge arena, faces, a great multitude, watching. My raised arm and fingers were a sign of victory. I had won. Slowly and with dignity I turned to the left and right, displaying the sign of victory to the multitude. But now I suddenly became aware I had been, or was, wounded. My left hand went to the wound below my heart. Yet still I faced the throng with dignity and victory. As I did so though I became week as death came upon me. But even as I crumpled as life left me, I held that my hand, the victory, and fell a crumpled heap, into death.
I lay in death for some time, and then was moved into the fetal position. Life was renewing me. Gradually I opened up. My head lifted higher and higher, and began slowly to sway side-to-side, rising up and up until I sat between my heels. My body now swaying, moved more and more rapidly in a dance of wonderful beauty, like flames leaping up from a fire, the body weaving, the arms moving like leaping flames, or life pouring out in constant weaving movement, up and down, in a way a friend described as seaweed moved in the waves. Perhaps the message was – death in victory – Life in Death.
Here a man describes a healing experience
Also, for some time I have been experiencing an extremely stiffen lower back. This is not a new problem but it had become very intense. Sometimes it took me half an hour in the morning to stand up straight. Yesterday when I got out of bed it was difficult to stand up properly. So as I used LifeStream and I asked for help with this problem, and for healing. A series of movements followed that I had never done before. It is difficult to describe the movements, but it was like a cowering down and at the same time bending to the left and twisting one’s trunk sideways and up. Then the same thing happened to the right. The sense I had of it was that my lower vertebrae were being opened sideways and twisting. Anyway, the pain of my lower back was immediately relieved, and this morning when I got out of bed there was no stiffness whatsoever. So I am continuing the movements. How wonderful that this sort of healing can occur, when so many people resort to painkillers to deal with such things.
Mark describes one of these sessions like this:
“Started this session very quickly, singing in some foreign language, and foot stamping. The song wasn’t really coming out very well, but my right arm began to swing round and round, and this seemed to lead through bark-like sounds to full African singing. I don’t think I have ever sung as noisily or as lustily as I did in this session. Gradually the singing chant became more and more forceful and fluent. Now I was surrendered into it deeply, and a torrent of words and chant poured out. I really felt like an African Chief chanting to a great crowd of people, not only in the sounds, but in my feelings flowing. The chant became even more forceful, filling the hall with sound, and finally in a tremendous roar or bellow, I called out, just as if warriors had been roused up and up, and the roar sent them on their way to battle.”
MAC describes his interesting experience
Today, with Avril I surrendered, and my sessions started with playful sounds, and then quite a lot about being a boy. This was repeated over and over, “I am a boy. Not a girl.” This was interspersed with many repetitions of, “Yes. No. Yes. No.” Sometimes it would lead to my saying I am not a girl, I am a boy!
In observing and thinking about this as it happened, I thought it might be some childhood trait or habit I was dealing with, or even childhood obstinacy of some sort. But it gradually developed into the circling arm movements, accompanied by the, “Yes. No.” The yes and the no coincided with the direction of the energy flow upwards or downwards.
There was a part also where I was saying, “I am. I am my life.” This has been a theme that occurred occasionally for some time. I took it simply to be a very general statement.
I was still wondering what this was about and so asked the process to help me understand. Gradually it became clear that the yes and no was a switch. For instance, life energy can be expressed in any number of ways. It can be movement, sexuality, thought, emotion, writing, swimming, and so on. The direction, or the way we direct, our energy, comes about through the yes/no action. Perhaps we do it unconsciously, but we are always applying the switch of yes or no to direct each movement, each action, each thought even.
So what was being gradually explained to me was how this action worked, and that the yes no switch not only directed our energy, but in the way I was using it, it was also a sort of generator. The action was that I was using it to circularise energy and in some way build it up and to create a new pattern.
There was still a great deal about this that I did not understand. So I asked again what was happening. As I did this I had a very powerful feeling of emotion in my chest, but it was unexpressed emotion. Then, as the circulation of energy continued the emotion in the chest burst out as very deep sobbing that took me down on my knees.
Although this was deeply felt, I did not understand what the emotion was connected with. So again I asked for help – “Please help me. Help me understand.”
Again I was taken down on my knees with the very powerful sobbing. In between this there was laughter, positive feelings. And the cycle occurred about three, perhaps four times. Then a slight difference occurred. With great joy and love my arms pointed up and I said, “You are doing this. You are doing this to me.”
It felt as if I were addressing Christ or God – certainly a being I had a loving relationship with. Then I asked again for understanding.
The feeling in the chest arose once more with powerful emotional response. But this time it did not take me down to my knees. Instead I began to feel the quality of it. I saw/knew that the Mystery that is existence is gradually unfolding itself in my being. It is creating a new pattern in me. I understood that we live our life out of patterns. For instance reproduction is a very ancient pattern, a natural pattern or direction that we express ourselves in, our energy in. But there are other patterns. The Mystery holds within it other possibilities, other patterns. Because I had surrendered to the Mystery, it was forming another pattern in my being. It was changing me so it could more fully express and be known in me.
I understood that this is something that is happening worldwide to many people. This is the second coming.
Yesterday during surrender it felt as if the Highest/Christ explained to me about my dream of the farmer/Shepherd. It was very brief. Simply that I am being called to work. This will be reasonably soon in the future, and I will understand what it is as it arrives. There was a brief explanation of the Flux dream also – the communion of souls.
Tara entry into herself
I begin my journey by heading towards the ground. As I kneel there with eyes closed, Tony invites me to lie down; I am happy to do this. He has placed a cushion on the floor for my head and now he throws a medicine blanket over me. This feels right. This is where I am in my life right now – at a time of withdrawal and deep let go. SEED STAGE. After a while of sinking into the darkness and restfulness of this phase, I begin to feel the impulse to move backwards very slowly, shuffling off the pillow. Eventually I turn myself around and onto my knees. I am aware that Tony is keeping a watchful eye to make sure I don’t hurt myself. I move myself onto my left side and feel Tony’s presence behind me as a buffer. It’s very comforting to know that he is there containing me. And yet I manage to get myself in quite a tangle at this point. I feel hemmed in, ungainly, awkward, knotted up, clumsy (again there are parallels with my life right now!) I feel the impulse to rise but can find nothing solid to hold onto. I try the cushion but it moves. I flail my right arm around looking for something to no avail. Although I am aware that Tony is there and that in theory I could use him to lever myself up, I am reluctant to do so for fear that I might hurt him and also due to a very familiar sense that somehow I don’t have permission to be that familiar. Reflecting on this later, I see that I actually isolate myself because I tend not to reach out for help. I know that I will have to summon up the momentum to raise myself up. Eventually of course I do, heaving myself up onto my knees and then slowly and rather clumsily to my feet, encumbered as I am by the blanket. I turn and face the sunlight. I allow myself to bask in it, suddenly at peace. I shuffle round to face different directions, until after a while I feel once again the desire to travel groundwards and hang down from the waist, surrendering to gravity, until gradually, bending my knees, I go down once again, completing a whole life cycle.
Afternoon session: Your old stories are defunct
I sit down and and as I tune in I receive the message, ‘Your old stories are defunct.’
Tony then gets me to do rapid eye movements (REM), moving my open eyes quickly down from top left to bottom right and then going within. I feel that to cleanse the gunge that lies deep in my belly, instead of pulling at the rope we could insert a hollow tube through my mouth and have water come in and cleanse that way. I do REM in the opposite direction from top right to bottom left.
As the cleansing programme begins I become aware of a fibre glass or man-made structure, something like a Michelin man, riveted together. There seems to be encrusted material caked on in places, rather like temporary dental filling or Polyfilla. As it has been there for quite some time it is quite hard to remove and I become aware that to do so could mean the whole structure will fall apart. Tony assures me that it is safe to let it die. As the water continues to jet onto the filler I become aware of a new born life form which has been protected by the structure. Its skin is slightly mottled and I become acutely aware of its breathing and the strong sense of magic pervading from and all around the creature. The creature lies in a crib in the centre of a room, alert, curious, enchanted and I am fascinated by this incredible discovery. From death new life miraculously arises! Beneath the man made structure behold a faery child! I reconnected with the magic that lies at my very core; the newness, the freshness, the playfulness and innocence. I am renewed! Untouched, at the centre, whole, safe, breathing, alive, wondrous beating heart, coupled with the capacity to come to each moment afresh and be fascinated by what I discover. This is my birthright!
Shaktipat – an Indian Practice
I have been in India for about four months now and I thought you might be interested in the similarities between Reichian work and Shaktipat or Kriya Yoga. The Sanscrit word ‘shakti’ means energy, bio-energy, or more correctly, bio- cosmic energy. Shaktipat is a practice which is described as the loosening of this energy by a guru from the way it may be blocked in us. When this shakti energy is loosened and no longer tightly bound by the control of the conscious mind it begins to circulate in the body. It is then said to open up energy channels or pathways, and usually begins to manifest in what are known as ‘kriya’. Kriyas are spontaneous movements of the body and of the respiratory system. One interesting aspect of kriyas, which resemble Reichian abreaction, is that they very often manifest as highly involved asanas (body postures) and as mudras (meditational postures involving the hands). I have seen many persons who practice shakipat enter a phase of intense energy flow in which breathing becomes rapid and involuntary and in which people begin with great rapidity to do asanas they never knew and which they ordinarily would never have been able to perform. Although the conscious practice of asanas facilitates this process, true hatha yoga (Indian techniques using physiological processes to integrate ones being) occurs involuntarily in this kriya phase. The burst of energy that results is sometimes astounding and may continue for well over an hour. The movements in some individuals are so intense and frantic they appear dangerous. In other persons the movements are soft, delicate and flowing. Thus some persons may breathe like locomotives, beat themselves repeatedly, stand on their heads, bellow, twist their limbs in the most unbelievable postures; others begin to dance harmoniously, to sing softly in languages they have never learned, to become playful and flirtatious and to utter strange sounds.
The explanation for this is that the shakti is opening or purifying obstructions in the energy pathways, that the individual is working out the results of past actions and experience, and that an evolutionary process is allowed to unfold which eventually will result in an expansion of awareness.
In this kind of meditation the individual sits still, but not rigidly; he doesn’t concentrate in any way, but simply relaxes as much as possible and permits the energy to do its thing. The energy is of course thought of as ultimately cosmic or divine. Hence the path of enlightenment lies in relinquishing ego control and identifications and allowing this bio-cosmic energy to express itself and lead us. The final results of this process is the opening of the highest brain centres in a new type of consciousness in which the individual merges with the universal consciousness. The total process takes a very long time but this should not dissuade us as each stage has its own rewards. The bodily spasms, automatic breathing, asanas, contortions and reflex patterns that manifest spontaneously as the energy gains momentum all serve to purify the organism. Though some of these phenomena may sound strange they are not experienced as unpleasant once the practitioner no longer totally identifies with bodily processes. Thus the meditator can be totally in their body without identifying totally with its experiences.
He had always since youth, been interested in keeping his body healthy and mobile. About a year before he started SR he had this experience. He says:
“I had a peculiar conscious and semi conscious experience without dream images. I cannot remember ever having had it before. My hips and pubic area vibrated. Moved is not the right word, nor shook, as the movement was as quick as that produced by an electric vibrator. I have seen this movement, or something like it, on a buck rabbit during mating. Not really a backward or forward movement, but a very rapid vibration. This occurred with me quite spontaneously and I relaxed and let it happen. There was no erection. It happened for fairly long periods four or five times, then as I became more conscious, disappeared.”
Many people experience this vibratory energy during SR, but as Tom’s experiences are fairly clear I will continue to quote him. After about two years of SR the experience came back.
Tom, in a journal of his experiences says:
“Recently my body has been vibrating more consciously than ever before, i.e. even in waking it has remained. Also, some nights it feels as if it is flowing deeply into P’s (his wife) being. Sometimes she is aware of this too.”
Janov points out that his ‘post primal’ patients experience a different, more conscious sleep. This is my own findings in LifeStream. Gradually a different experience of sleeping occurs. Sometimes one wakes up in sleep. That is, like Tom, although deep asleep, there is an awareness of what is occurring in oneself. How far this can develop I have no means of knowing, but there seems from the evidence I have, typified from Tom’s experience, that the conscious release and experience of one’s core energy as we contact it in sleep and waking SR, leads to quite a different sort of relationship between the opposite and same sexes than we generally know.
This came home to me recently when attending a weekend where most of the people practised SR. I noticed a very different sort of relationship operated between some of the people. I will quote Tom again to explain.
“I was talking to R. who I had never met before. We were alone in the small hall as the others were outside eating. It seemed like an ordinary conversation but suddenly my body began to vibrate and then to shake heavily.
R. could accept this so I did not stop it as I could have done. I sat holding R’s hand and it seemed to me as if my central being wanted to express something to R. It seemed quite beyond verbal expression.”
Gradually this expression from the core defines for people. It is as if our own released energy reaches out and calls up the other person’s life energy. If this happens it may not be pleasant to be near the person. For our own energy to move in great excitation may be very painful because our past agonies have not been cleared.
One woman said of such a contact, ‘It made me realise how I have thrown the beauty of my life away along with the rubbish. This was so painful I felt on the verge of tears all the next day. And when Andrew spoke to me I couldn’t hold it back any longer.”
Another person describes it as follows:
‘The worst day for me was undoubtedly the one where A, letting that other part of himself flow out to me, pushed me into the appalling realisation that I’d been shutting life out and still was. And for the rest of that awful day and the ones to follow there was nowhere to hide, nowhere to go.”
One can only wonder what, in marriage, as a parent with children, with friends and animals, it is really like to contact each other Core to Core.
In LifeStream we often are led to directly relate to our sexuality. Most people at some point in their journey into LifeStream find, if they remain open, they are led to masturbate. Few of us have, in the prevailing attitudes of our culture, properly fulfilled the urge to masturbate when it arose in childhood and youth. As this urge arises and is fulfilled, and the problem attending it worked out, a new feeling grows in us. It appears as a strong feeling of independence. The pleasure in fully released masturbation is so intense and complete we realise we do not need anybody else to fulfil us sexually. Out of this sense of independence a lot of compulsive dependence upon others falls away. In its place comes a desire to share our intense pleasure with someone of our choice. We see this in Mark’s experience where the melting longing feeling arose after his desire to masturbate. The desire to share and give pleasure is quite different to the need for someone else to give us pleasure.
For some people this process is a great struggle and not over quickly. Just to permit sexual feeling to flow more fully is difficult.
Ann says of an early phase of her LifeStream:
“At first the new energy took the form of tremendous sexual feelings. For three months I was engulfed in my own sexuality. I felt the need to masturbate several times a day. I was quite overwhelmed by the strength of these feelings. It was a relief when it died away, because I was not really ready to deal with my whole sexuality. However, by permitting the masturbation I was allowing my sexual feelings to come through and leaving the door open for what might follow.”
The lengthy persistence of Ann’s urge to masturbate is not typical. We might understand it by remembering Rita’s insights into her ascending – into compulsive eating – or descending – into compulsive sexuality – energy. There is a world of difference between basic sexual need and compulsive sexual desire. Rita had begun to find that it was not simply a case of letting herself eat or have sex to find satisfaction through LifeStream. The LifeStream had exposed her compulsion not her need. Until she recognised it for what it was, the problem behind it could not be felt.
Tom shows us another side of this in one of his sessions.
“I had woke that morning with a headache. This was very unusual so I knew another lump of pain was ready to come up. For some weeks my sessions had all been centred around being a tiny baby left to cry. As that baby I had hungered for my mother with every ounce of my being. I don’t suppose many adults can conceive of a condition where any feeling or desire is totally engulfing. We are used to thinking of that sort of being swallowed up and possessed by a feeling as madness. Because of the pain most of us feel when we really begin to experience our deep yearning we do relate to our deepest feelings in a sick mad way. Yet a baby is neither sick nor mad, but it is totally engulfed in its feelings.
I had been experiencing this in the sessions, and how as a baby I had killed my longing when nobody came. And because of that I had not as an adult been able to really let myself feel deeply in relationships. Or when I did begin to go deep into a feeling relationship with someone it brought great pain. So I thought the thing coming up was another lump of baby pain.
As soon as I had an opportunity I had a session. I had been sitting in with a friend while she had a session, and now we swapped roles. As I lay down the pain in the head increased. I felt sick and dizzy. My body began to jerk and it was like words being forcefully squeezed out of my body. It feels as if those words, and the emotions pouring out with them, were literally in the body, like juice is in an apple, and the process of SR, squeezes out this painful juice.
At first the words were just a jumble of noise being pushed out as my body cramped up and squeezed. Then I was shouting out ‘I’ve got VD I’ve got VD’ Then every so often I would gasp out ‘A father…s father…’
I didn’t understand at this point what it was meaning, but I knew from the past it would explain itself if I let it come, and there was no need to analyse or think it out.
Now the body contractions became deeper and I could feel some real deep emotion in my chest just beginning to come up. ‘Dirty, I’m dirty,’ I was shouting. ‘I’m a father and I’m dirty’. Then my body just gave a big heave like I was having a baby or something, or a tooth out, and I was just one frozen block of pain, and a great moan of pain came out. I was sobbing and moaning about my children. Hardly able to say it because of the pain and sobbing, nevertheless the words squeezed out of me ‘D…. Duh …Does.. a… Does a father…’ I just couldn’t go on for a while. My body contorted up with this inner emotional pain again, and a sort of bellow of it came up from deep down. Then the words came again. ‘Does a father…Does a father kill his children?’
I couldn’t take it. I just wept. I knew that’s what I had been doing for years. That’s what most of us are doing, only we can’t and won’t see it. But even though we hide from it, the pain of it is there like poison juice in our body. Now mine was being squeezed out and the words were like pips forcing out of my mouth.
Tony decribes an opening
I had relaxed deeply and entered a state of lucidity in which I felt like I was falling down a very deep hole. This wasn’t frightening, but reminded me of Alice in the rabbit hole. As I fell I passed through memories of things that had hurt me during my life, like the time I broke my nose.
Then I hit the bottom, experiencing a womb like feeling of great peace. I realised as I observed, that it wasn’t the womb, but the very basic level of my personal awareness. But there was still a current carrying me back further, and I resisted, fearing I would lose my identity. But then I suddenly realised there was nothing to fear. After all, I did this every time I went to sleep – trusting myself to the bosom of the deep. But usually I lose awarness, but as I let go I maintained consciousness, and so began to explore the deeps of sleep. So I slipped into what I have called the ocean of consciousness, and it caught me and started growing me as if from a tiny seed. I knew as this happened that it was this power that had grown me in the first place, and that there was so much more of me to discover than I presently knew. Then the Immense Life spoke to me. “Come to me each day like this (with an open heart to the power that had grown me) and I will know myself in you.”
A man experiencing the release of the trauma of feeling castrated
The leg thrashing became intense. My arms were held by my sides as if I were trained or fixed to a wall or the floor. My legs and hips thrashed wildly, as if trying to avoid something. The movements became more and more intense. Then I leapt about with my legs threshing to avoid something, someone, but always with the arms held by the side. I literally leapt about violently, twisting on my arms. Then my hips moved up. The attack now was aimed at my buttocks, and I now jumped about crab like, arms fixed, hips raised as high as possible, legs dancing to keep the hips away. I realised I was reliving the torture of being castrated.
Then the movements calmed for a while. I sobbed very slightly, lying on my side, hanging from my arms. I felt lonely, terribly lonely, for it, longing for the nearness of someone I loved. My face was against my left bicep. It was the only human comfort I could find – myself. I rolled my head back and forth across the softness of my bicep. Then, as my aloneness became more intense, I suckled my bicep like a breast, longing for the warmth only I could give myself at that moment.
My legs were now stretched out and apart as if I were on a rack or held flat I began to cry out, then to scream the most agonised sounds I have ever heard. My whole body convulsed in an attempt to escape, convulsed and twisted and I screamed- I screamed the awful scream of indescribable pain. It was a shout, a bellow. My throat bled that night because of those cries. Then I lay on my back crying. My hand went to my penis, it had been cut off. Over and over I cried out, “Oh God! Oh God!” Then, “Why God, why? Why God? Why God?”
Gradually these cries quietened. I began to shiver with cold. I had a fever and was cold all at once. My teeth chattered, my whole body shook. My face assumed a skull like grin with the lips drawn back. The body twisted slowly and became largely paralysed. Only the right foot, at one point, could still move. My hands were claw like. The body twisted back, and slowly I died. It was peaceful.
I later realised it wasn’t a physical trauma, but the agony of being castrated psychologically through the relationship with my mother.