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« on: July 10, 2017, 09:09:49 AM »
During the same night....
1) I am on a stage with other women. We are all wearing womens clothes, yet I feel and I know I am a man in my body. I feel like, all these other women, I am expected to wear the clothes and play a role. A woman next to me says what is that smell? Your clothes smell like lavender. She says "You have to tell them." I know I am expected to sing...the woman on my right is singing...I think I am her understudy possibly. I take out a mouth guard I am wearing and I cab feel that I have all my teeth and I start singing "Renuzit" which is the name of an air freshener brand.
2) I am in a seminar like room full of women...a woman asks the group what self - esteem has to do with myth...I tell her that I was raised to play a role...be a caretaker...I had a large extended blood related family...and now I am by myself and all I want to be is a lucky star. The point I was trying to make is that, for me, being a caretaker did nothing for my self-esteem. It was actually detrimental to it. I bought into it, played the role and now refuse to play it anymore.
Next I am in my parents backyard sitting at the picnic table...I am repeating what I told the women to my father...on the table there is a Sunday New York Times and the magazine section's cover is back and mostly gold. On the cover it says Self - Esteem and Myth.
3) I am in a Gynecologists office. I lay on the table and have my knees bent but closed together. The female nurse or doctor puts an ultrasound device on my stomach. Instead of two ovaries I see my hypothalamus. It is a beautiful light to medium blue to dark blue color. I know the hypothalamus is considered by some to be the third eye. I ask about my ovaries and the nurse says let me test them...she goes to some small device and an oval indicator lights up yellow and then turns the same blue color. And the second one I ask? Same thing. I get up from the table and a woman who looks like a younger version of myself...thin, long blond hair, a gold nurses outfit...turns and says "follow me." She gestures with her hand and finger to come closer and follow her.
She points me to some spilled liquid on a counter next to a faucet. It looks like water and coffee.